Bio dad back now she's 2 years old
Hi everyone, new to this so bare with me but wanted to ask for help from people with similar situations. I am in my first 'real' long term relationship, in fact we have just passed the 1 year mark. My partner has a 2 y/o daughter who I absolutely adore and for the last year have treated like I would expect to treat my bio children in the future. Her BD has not been on the scene since birth, in fact he upped and left just before my partner found out she was pregnant and despite numerous chances he has never committed to having a part in his daughters life; he isn't even on the birth certificate. Today my girlfriend calls me to let me know she has been on the phone with the BD who want's to meet with my partner on Saturday to talk about my SD. I felt very jealous and had a knot in my stomach at the prospect of this and said to my partner that he has no reason to be in contact, he had his chance 2 years ago and blew it etc ect, yes I know i'm an idiot. After talking to my friend who has experiecne with skids he told me I was being unreasonable and at the end of the day it was a decision between my partner and the BD and no matter how much I didn't like it she is still his daughter. So I spoke to my parter and apologised for how I acted and she is meeting the BD on Saturday but has asked me to accompany her, she has told him he has one last chance to make this right and if he messes it up or lets my SD down the door will be closed for good. My question is to all SD's out there how do you deal with this? I know the BD from working with him previously and have to see him on a daily basis at my current job where he constantly tries to get my back up. I love my SD with all my heart she is such a sweet, perfect kid and she has recently started calling me Daddy, with BD back in the picture what do I do and where do it leave me as the thought of losing her to him makes my heart break. It's not just the case of me fathering her whilst he didn't bother but how does it work when real Dad is around, what do I become then?
Any advice would be appreciated TIA
You're just Mom's BF. You're
You're just Mom's BF. You're not even Mom's DH, so this small child needs to not call you Daddy.
One year is not that long to date someone, much less have the child look at you ask Dad. It's asking for heartbreak, as you're experiencing. My SSs called their SF "Daddy" even though my DH was in the picture and had regular visitation. It broke my DH's heart, and when BM left her now-XH, the boys had to deal with the fallout of losing their dad.
Tell your GF that she needs to handle this on her own. You'll support her when she gets home, but she and BD need to talk this out. Then, they need to hash it out in court. If he wants visitation, great! He also needs to financially contribute to his child. You can be there to support your GF, but then you need to step back and let Dad be Dad. Even if he is a bad dad, that is who your GF chose to father her child, and she'll have to bear the weight of that decision on her own.
So, step back and stop being daddy. It's not your job or your place, especially if he is serious about stepping up and being a dad.
Honestly, you're investing
Honestly, you're investing yourself fully into something that is
1. Not on solid ground (Marriage)
2. Not yours to begin with.
That girl is going to love her Dad, especially if he actively wants to be involved. People change all of the time, and he gets to pick when he wants to change.
Get married, have your own child. It's a feeling that's like nothing else, and you don't have to worry about any of this. Your stepdaughter will be fine, especially if her actual father is sliding back into the picture.
He already contributes
He already contributes financially as he has to in the UK through CPA, so your suggestion is to stop treating my SD like a daughter and just like any other child how is that going to work out as she grows up? I find it extremely hard reading through these comments on various forum posts that you can't be a Dad purely on the basis that it wasn't your sperm, surely nurturing, loving and caring for a child is what makes you a parent not providing DNA. Thanks for your promt reply though I'll bear it in mind
Yes, that father will love
Yes, that father will love that child because she is a part of him. She will fawn over her Daddy. The biological bond is real.
I hate being negative, but I feel like you're fighting the wrong fight. When it's all said and done (and I've seen this story a billion times), he will be the one walking her down the aisle, and you'll be the one paying for it.
If you love being a parent so much, get married and have a child. You could surely do it with this woman, and you could treat them equally, but have the ability to share a bond with your own child that will be unique and personal.
You can care and love a child
You can care and love a child and not have them call you Daddy.
I love, nurture, and care for my SSs without them calling me Mom.
I love, nurture, and care for my niece without her calling me Mom.
There are various levels of loving a nurturing a kid that doesn't involve them calling you Daddy, or that doesn't come with the responsibility of a father.
Fact is, right now, you have no claim to this girl. What happens if tomorrow her mother decides she doesn't want to be with you anymore and runs off? That little girl is going to lose the second "Daddy" in her life.
You don't have the authority to be Daddy. But you can be Swings. You can be fun and read her a bedtime story and call her sport. You can tell her you love her and eat dinner with her every night. You can be a positive role model and another loving adult in her life WITHOUT being Daddy.
You set this little girl up for loyalty conflicts and a potential broken heart if you let this continue. She has to understand that many people can love her many different ways, but she shouldn't have to feel like she has to choose you to be her dad over her real father. You recognize that you overstepped by saying he had his chance and threw it away. Now realize that you being called Daddy is a step too far, too.
1) just because you’re not
1) just because you’re not married and have only been together for a year doesn’t mean you won’t be together forever. So don’t listen to that marriage trope. Married people can divorce within a year too, so owning a piece of paper where the government has sanctioned your relationship is unneeded.
2) continue doing you but realize that if dad comes back into the picture that he will be dad and you may or may not be the other dad. If you can go with the flow and allow things to manifest as they will while still loving that little girl and being okay with her dad being her dad then you’re golden.
3) my grandpa was really my step grandfather but my mom’s dad had been out of the picture since she was 11. He was a pile of shit. But blood is strong and she still loved her dad. However, my grandpa and her dad walked my mom down the isle when she married my father. Blood runs deep but good relationships can and do run deeper.
Sorry. #3 was somewhat
Sorry. #3 was somewhat confusing. I didn’t express that as well as I would’ve liked
I guess you are right and I
I guess you are right and I know deep down I am just being selfish, jealous, overprotective and just an idiot really. It just seems so wrong that a man who swore himself away from his daughter and said he wanted nothing to do with her can pick up 2 years later and try again, how many chances do you give him then before you say enough is enough? My parents have 3 grandkids all boys and they have taken to her like their own GK. Do I just carry on as normal then with BD maybe now playing a part until he lets her down again?
I would carry on as normal
I would carry on as normal and just be open to her having her bio father if he stays in the picture. Your parents can love her up like their own and you can too. At no point should you withhold the affection that you’ve given thus far. Again, just maintain as you have been and be open to anything. Openness and honesty will get you a long way. Let’s hope this man is okay to co-parent with.
The courts get to decide when
The courts get to decide when enough is enough. Not you. Not even your GF. Until his rights are terminated, he can choose if and when he wants to be a father.
Is that fair to your SD? Absolutely not. However, your GF chose him to be the father. With that comes rights without responsibility. He can be as flakey as he wants, but that doesn't give you or any other man the right to step in and replace him. Not Until a court tells you that you can.
Your GF has a lot of power to protect her daughter, including telling BD no visitation until he gets himself on the birth certificate and goes to mediation with her to set CS and a custody schedule. If he wants to see his daughter, then he needs to establish, with her, a parenting plan and CS. If he isn't willing to make it "official", then he's going to continue to be flighty.
In UK law he doesn't have any
In UK law he doesn't have any parental responsibilty though he would have to go to court to fight for it not the other way around
Welcome to ST (steptalk) . It
Welcome to ST (steptalk) . It can be blunt on here so get ready. Lots of great advise too.
Your girlfriend with held her childs biological fathers name on the most important document a person has, her Birth Certificate. Your girlfriend should have made things right for her daughter at birth and given her a bio dad name. BUT she decided--yes your girlfriend decided not to. You should have a problem with that as a man AND possible father of children if you decide/or not that she becomes pregnant.
Yeahh I know, she told you they had a falling out, he wasnt around Maybe she also told you he abused her, he is a deadbeat. SHE gave him chance after chance and he refused her. BUT now he wants back in his daughters life.
GOOD... a mother, who happens to be your girlfriend should always make it her priority to bridge the relationship between dad and child. SHE can hire a lawyer and they can hash out a fair and balanced custody agreement. Dont give her 1cent to pay for this. Do not interfer with the inherant bonds between a Father and his child. This child is not like your own. When you decide to have a child you will know what this means. Doesnt mean you dont love this precious childd...I can tell you do.
You seem like a nice guy. Be careful---dont offer to adopt your girlfriends child either until the child is of emancipation age, usually 18-21 depending on your countries laws.. Usually is a set up. some women 'daddy shop" $$$$$$, if you follow me. Being asked to adopt a child feels great, makes you feeeeeel loving, kind, a HERO for the child ...wow girlfriend must reallly love me. Wait,,,just wait until the child is an adult.
Totally different if you went to adoption agency seeking this out yourself. OR you were a foster parent. Big difference.
Years ago I knew of a woman--2 babies under her belt. She left bio dad, hooked UP with dude who made a lot more money then bio dad. She ended up marrying $$$dude. RAN 1st guys money to the ground keeping him in court filing motion after motion. Finally SHE turned on the charm, got new hubby to agree to adopt her kids. First guy agreed to terminate his rights---$$$$ dude became the hero. You know,, he loved those kids LIKE HIS OWN how could he NOT adopt the innocent bystander kids. They just need a real dad.
Before you knew it, SHE filed for divorce and $$$ dude on the hook for big child support payments and 80percent of college expenses.
be careful...and GoodLuck.
I have noticed haha! I knew
I have noticed haha! I knew both my partner and BD as we all worked together, I get that there are two sides to every story but this isn't one of them times where the female wanted to scourge the male. She didn't put his name on b.c because over here at least it relinquishes rights, the idea always was that if SD ever wanted to have a relationship with her BD she could but he has never up to this point shown an interest himself in doing so. I don't as a man begrudge her for leaving his name off the b.c she never stopped BD from seeing SD in fact she is taken up to see her BGP quite a bit but once again he made up excuses to not see her. My problem obviosuly is being worried that I am going to lose her but I have been told quite blatantly here that I never had her to begin with. If truly like everyone says a relationship with her BD will be healthy for her then I will swallow it and let it be as long as he commits to his promises but I would have loved one day to have been able to adopt her as my own maybe that just isn't a reality wither way now
What a lucky girl! She would
What a lucky girl! She would have felt abandoned if her bio father never wanted anything to do with her. But he does. Don't deprive her of that chance just because you are afraid she will love him more than you. She can love you both.
After not wanting anything to
After not wanting anything to do with her for 2 years yeah!
It doesn't matter. He came
It doesn't matter. He came back. A lifetime of not being wanted by your father is damaging. Don't wish that on her out of your own selfish desire to be her father.
You all sound very young so I
You all sound very young so I'm going to give you a few freebies as none of us had a manual (although life experience helps!).
Just slow down a tad. I agree the child should not be calling you daddy. That's only confusing for a kid her age and entirely avoidable since she didn't teach herself to call you dad.
Your GF left biodad's name off the BC because she wanted 100 percent control in the event he came around to accepting his role as dad. Make no mistake about that. You can downplay that as "her decision," but it is very telling on how she views fathers. She wasted zero time finding a replacement daddy and she's already threatening BD with their daughter. Do not be quick to impregnate this one. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's bad news.
Yes, I love the whole "he
Yes, I love the whole "he gets one more chance." What?!
Okay I get we are all blokes
Okay I get we are all blokes here and I'm all for equal rights for blokes when it comes to parenting but only when it is due. I am telling you the guy is a waste of space not because I've been told he is by my partner so don't assume. Why shouldn't she have 100 % control in decisions for her daughter when he never wanted to be a dad to his daughter in the first place? I'm not going to bow down to your point of view because I am male, I take everyone at face value. He said he wanted nothing to do with his daughter, he wasn't told not to have anything to do with his daughter. Since then my partner has given him numerous chances to be a part of my SD life and he hasn't come through, so I think it is only fair he is given an ultimatum. He should not be allowed to pick and choose when he wants to be a part of a young girl's life don't be so stupid. You aren't morally sound so don't act like you are. Not everyone deserves the same rights as everyone else if they used and abused them to begin with.
Mothers don't own their
Mothers don't own their children.
If he shapes up and wants to be part of his daughter's life, he shouldn't be told he's "used up his last chance". Yes, she should be protected from a father who might harm her or let her down repeatedly, but that doesn't mean your SO gets to cut him out entirely because she feels like it.
When she does that to you with your child with her, you'll understand.
And we are mostly women here.
You people make me laugh, so
You people make me laugh, so you are telling me that it's perfectly okay for somebody to neglect and even deny they have a child fight having to pay anything towards the maintenance of that child and then 2 years later when the child is established in a loving home to then decide I know I think I'll be dad? I told her to only give him a chance you happy with that now? None of us can keep living our lives starting for him to have a time with her then for him to back out over and over again it's not fair on anybody involved. Regardless of what legal rights he has morally, socially and everything else that actually matters if he doesn't shape up then he is obviously not genuinely interested in being a parent. Stop dillying round people who feel hard done by they don't see their kids when they don't put the bleeding effort in to see them in the first place. It goes both ways
Yeah, he sounds like a young
Yeah, he sounds like a young guy who has some bad chioces under his belt, too. That's why birth control is important. But we're kinda past that.
Oh come on. People change,
Oh come on. People change, they make poor decisions, and they grow up. If it was you that wasn't allowed to see your child because her mother said "no more chances", you'd be singing a different tune.
Children aren't property. They aren't cars that get repossessed if the owner doesn't pay. They are human beings who are harmed by one of their bio parents being missing, and who benefit from them being present in their lives.
Maybe he's cleaned up his act and will be a great father from here on out. And the court will most certainly give him another "chance".
See, you're confusing rights
See, you're confusing rights and privileges. And that isn't a matter of morality, but a matter of law.
BD has rights, or has a pathway to establish rights. He can use or abuse those rights until a court takes them away. If BM tries to interfere with his ability to use his rights, as a father, she risks losing her rights.
Now, his rights extend to being legally this girl's father. He will also have the right to see her. How often - now that is the privilege. The court gets to decide how much his rights are worth, and how much privilege he gets in regards to make decisions for his daughter. Same goes with BM.
You may not agree with how he lives his life. You may not agree with him being able to spend time with his kid. Fact is, though, that a court gets to decide whether he gets to be the father in righta and privilege. Not you. Not BM. The courts.
If BM wanted a better father for her daughter, then she should have chosen someone better to breed with. But she didn't, and this is a consequence of that decision. She has to share even if it seems unfair to you. That child is equally his whether you like it or not until a court says otherwise.
Key part of that being
Key part of that being pathway to rights as at the moment he has none. He is not present on the birth certificate so therefore is not a parent unless he decides to fight for that right. The system quite obviously allows any deadbeat to them parent their child whether a father or a mother when they feel like it as that is what you have described to me. She did not choose to have a child okay there was intercourse involved but there was no conscious decision to procreate with him and we have all made bad decisions havent we
Unless he raped her, she knew
Unless he raped her, she knew having a kid was a possibility. And you live in a country with socialized medicine, where getting BC or Plan B should be simple and cheap. Her decision to remain pregnant was hers alone, so don't pull the "there was no conscious decision" BS with me or anyone else.
Some bad choices have worse consequences than others. This is one of those times.
Look, you're a good man with a good heart, but you have zero control or rights in this situation. Being angry that the world doesn't work the way you want it to won't solve anything. You either accept that this is a crap situation or you move on. You don't have the ability to change it long-term.
If he is paying child support
If he is paying child support, paternity has been established and it won't be hard for him to receive those rights. And the courts take a dim view on super controlling biomoms who demand everything be on her terms.
I see - HER bad decisions are
I see - HER bad decisions are to be forgiven, but HIS bad decisions mean he can never see the child again. Love it.
She shouldn't have 100
She shouldn't have 100 percent control because the child has TWO parents, and she is a human CHILD, not some puppy. I'm guessing the conception wasn't some planned, blessed event and under those circumstances, many people balk at parenthood.
The time for deciding whether or not this guy is worthy of being a parent was well before your GF decided to have unprotected sex with him, carry his child to term and keep her to raise. She doesn't get to decide that any more. He is the father and has every right to be involved with his child without your GF directing his every move and interfering with that.
You dont need to bow down to anything. You can keep ignoring the red flags your GF is sending. You can be complacent in screwing up that little girl. Shit! You can even knock her up with one of your own kids and then you will see what we've all been trying to tell you... You do you, dude.
You need tough skin if you
You need tough skin if you put yourself in this kind of situation boyfriend to a women with a child.
1. Your not a step parent. Your a boyfriend. A duck is not a cat nor a cat a dog...as much as you may want it to be.
2. Your girlfriend deciding SHE is the one to give bio dad one more chance...should be a huge red flag in your face. Do not see that as a protective mother. A real mother knows the value and inebriant bonds a child has to a father. She doesn't seem to mind taking his money though, does she?
If she tells you that she MUST except child support because of the laws---tell her to give it back to bio dad IF he is such a dbag.
Next. You wrote; My parents have 3 grandkids all boys and they have taken to her like their own GK.
Your parents are treating your girlfriends child kindly, generously because of you. Would they treat your Childs daughter this way IF girlfriend was a neighbor and not your girlfriend? Its because of you. IF you break up with current girlfriend then date another women with 2kids, they may do the same. It's not about the child it is about you.
Dad screwed up two years ago.
Dad screwed up two years ago. That’s pretty obvious but that doesn’t mean mom didn’t either. She’s had two years to pursue legal abandonment charges or force at least some sort of support. She had two years to simply prove dad is dad which she didn’t.
The claim is he left as soon as she became pregnant. He made no attempt to establish his parental rights and she made no attempt to establish his parental responsibilities and now she wants to blame him for everything. She was just as wrong as him and it seems like she hoped he would just disappear which is a disservice to the child.
Now you’re a year in and understandably worried. You’ve established a bond with the child. That’s fine and if it’s real biodad being back won’t break it. Thing is sooner or later the child would find out. With or without dad in the picture there would be challenges. You would hear “you’re not my real dad” one day. With dad coming into the picture there is a chance the child could have a healthy bond with BOTH parents which is very important and the evidence shows that kids CAN do just as well in two homes as one if they have secure bonds in both. Sure you’re focused on the past and ready to punish dad by blocking him from the child but again that’s wrong to do to the child and if court is involved like they should be you guys don’t get to make that choice.
Sounds like mom plans to handle this outside of court which is the worst thing for biodad but amazing for mom. She gets to call all the shots and be in complete control. It’s also the worst thing for the kid because mom gets to say jump and if dad doesn’t jump high enough for her kid doesn’t see dad and it’s done in the disguise of mom protecting her from bad daddy.
Basically if anyone cares for the child you’ll go through court to establish paternity and then legal / physical custody. Of course dad should have limited contact at first so the child has time to bond but that should be managed by the court and not mom. If dad fails you have the legal backing to protect the child but right now there’s nothing.
I came here for answers and
I came here for answers and some of you have given them, others have decided to just bad mouth my partner. You do not know the full situation so I forgive your naivety and not every situation is the same as another. I'll take your comments on board but some of you the really bitter ones I mean need to take a good long look at yourselves and think if shaming a victim of abandonment is really a cool thing to do? I'm sure a lot of you have been through hell and back I don't doubt that but don't tar everybody with the same brush yeah. I have told you all he is getting the chance to do what right but those that say he is allowed as many times as he likes to fuck it all up on the off chance that maybe one day he will actually decide to be a dad are pathetic. People deserve chances when they earn them I would understand if he had not been given a chance but he has he decides that swanning off with his mates or meeting up with a girl are far more important than bonding with his daughter but still finds using her to get out of work or studies is perfectly acceptable. Do not stick up for a man who find that's okay to do whilst belittling a woman who had to bring up an child on her own its disgusting.
You like to think he has no
You like to think he has no rights and no recourse because his name isn't on the birth certificate, but there is a little thing called DNA, and he can request a DNA test of his daughter. Once he's the proven father, the court will give him chance whether you and your SO want it or not. So you may as well accept that he the right to see his daughter, even if you can't see, for some reason, that it is in the little girl's best interest to know her father. If he screws it up bad enough for the court to remove his rights, then that's that. But until then, he's her father.
I'm not disputing whether or
I'm not disputing whether or not it will beneficial to her I would like to know why as I said he can do as he pleases as many times as he likes and not be held accountable?
Once again as well I will say
Once again as well I will say he has been given NUMEROUS chances to see his daughter by my SO so there is nothing in it where she has tried to stop this from happening or been the case where she doesn't want her daughter to know but surely you must see after him not bothering for all these times it gets too much
No, I don't see it at all. It
No, I don't see it at all. It's his DAUGHTER.
If she doesn't want to personally deal with him, she should direct him to file papers in court and they can go from there. He will have to pay child support as well if he goes that route. I would not blame her a bit for telling him to do that, while at the same time telling him that she will not keep his daughter from him.
I'm confused because you said that he just came around - so what are all these "chances" she's given him if he hasn't been there?
He will have the right to see his daughter until she's no long a minor, then it's her choice.
So he is allowed to fuck his
So he is allowed to fuck his daughter around as much as it suits him because shes his blood?? After 2 years of him being given opportunities to see his daughter he now again wants to be involved I said.
She is not trying to stop him in anyway to see her you've all got the wrong end of the stick he doesn't want court he wants to talk it out between them but if he doesn't follow through this time what then we just wait until the day he might genuinely be bothered how can you possibly say that is fair on anybody. Dad or not it's not right
Do these offers of seeing the
Do these offers of seeing the kid involve your GF being present? Has she actually offered to send the kid with dad to do their own thing, or does she demand that the child never leaves her sight?
My hopes are that he will not
My hopes are that he will not continue to abandon his daughter. At this point shes only two. When she gets older she'll start to learn. At that point if he decides he wants to see her I wouldn't say anything to her until hes pulling into the driveway. Nothing more heartbreaking than a child looking out the window for a parent who never shows up.
My friend was in the same situation. Chance after chance, he kept backing out, cancelling. Showed up the first time, then never again for a long time. My friend stopped bothering him about visits. It took him 10 YEARS to finally grow up and make contact.
Hes not allowed to be alone
Hes not allowed to be alone with her for reasons I did not want to bring up
We are all adults here. That
We are all adults here. That's a pretty extreme limitation for which most reasonable people would need an explanation before agreeing is necessary.
We are all adults but as
We are all adults but as something that would no longer make this story anonymous I dont feel the need the bring it up especially as it is completely private in a different way. All I will say is he did something which resulted in a court mandate of only being given supervised time with SO daughter due to the nature of what happened.
I wouldn't allow my two year
I wouldn't allow my two year old to be alone with someone who is essentially a stranger to her, blood relative or not.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your perspective on this. Your points are very valid. Just remember on this board that there are MANY women here who are jaded and biased against your SO strictly due to the fact that she is a BM. Some are unable to look past that.
Thank you 2Bloved I came on
Thank you 2Bloved I came on here for a view from people in similar situations but seem to have been inundated with comments from people with a bone to pick with my SO without even knowing her. I know there is a huge movement of father's rights and many father's never get to see their children due to selfish mother's but this is not what this is about. He has been given opportunity after opportunity and he never came through with his promises to that little girl. Yet people on here think it fine for him to do that
Swings I'm with you! I'm all about ACCOUNTABILITY
I don't buy into this shit about the a$$hole BD being mistreated by your GF. He only deserves a chance LEGALLY. People are responsible for their actions, period. And I don't blame her for keeping his name off birth certificate under those circumstances. You sound like a nice guy who will make a great dad - in whatever capacity you remain for this little girl, and for your future children. The only thing I agree with among everyone attacking you here, is to be careful not to get too attached because kids are so hardwired to know and love biological parents. Many won't have room for both a Dad and Stepdad in their hearts, that's all I'd caution. Good luck!
Thank you I appreciate that
Thank you I appreciate that sentiment. What people have said here has been tough to take in mostly because it's like people are telling me to stop loving another man's child. She is and always will be God willing a part of my life and I will continue to love her and care, provide and nurture for her to the best of my abilities because she is a child. She looks up to me and comes running to me not because her mum has been a bitch and stopped her BD from seeing her but because I chose to step in and play that role that he never wanted to play. Fair enough to him if he wants to play a part that will happen but I'm not going to be told that her BM and I are in the wrong for making sure he doesn't think he can do what he likes around the little girl and be in and out as he pleases. To the people who have genuinely been sincere here I thank you, you've reassured me that I am doing the right things. To those trolls who are bitter and twisted because your lives or your partners lives have been torn by the actions of others I feel for you but don't spill your vile actions and thoughts onto my situation
Sorry man, I know you've felt
Sorry man, I know you've felt attacked a lot of the time here. These folks were just laying out facts based on 100% personal experience.
If every man who was a scumbag was not allowed to see their child, it would set a horrible precedent. The courts already favor mothers in many cases (not all.) That would make it a thousand times worse for the man who just impregnated the wrong woman.
The buck is going to stop with a judge. If he's a violent scumbag, the courts will order supervised visitation (probably once a week) for awhile. After a clean record for a period of time, he will get 50/50 custody, since he is financially supporting his daughter.
Nobody told you not to feel for the kid, just go in with the expectation that the father is going to prevail in his quest to see his little girl if he cleans it up.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are on this. I have been where you are now plus every point on the journey between where you are and when your daughter turns 26yo.
First, you are not losing her. You are her dad. The other guy is merely the one who knocked up her mother. Any POS with a functioning dick can do that. It takes a REAL man to be a REAL father. So, get that set in your head immediately.
This POS walked, hell, he never even showed up. Purge him and keep him purged. IMHO of course.
Next... rather than meet with this POS on Sat, your SO needs to immediately file to terminate this POS's parental rights on the grounds of child abandonment. She can have him served with the papers at the Sat meeting. It is far better to beat the shit out of him now with a full court press legal attack than expose a baby to a POS waste of skin non adult who far more likely than not will just be a manipulative POS for her entire life.
My bride and I met when our son (my former SS-26 now adopted) was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I have raised him as my own every minute since then. Our son will turn 27 in 9 weeks. His mom and I spent decades mitigating the machinations of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. We destroyed them any time they deviated from the path of reasonableness and pulled their toothless moron manipulative crap. It would have been far easier if my wife had not sued for paternity when SS was a baby.
While the Spermidiot was always a presence, his presence was intermittent at best. SpermGrandHag was our particular PITA burden to bear. Keep in mind that your daughters SpermDonor nor anyone in his family have had a relationship with your child. Or at least that is my presumption.
You will save your daughter immeasurable drama, heartache, and angst if you just nip this shit in the bud now before it has a chance to fester into the oozing cesspool of crappy gene influence that it has started out to be. I would cap off the termination of rights motion with an RO to keep him the hell away from your family. His harrasment of you at work should serve as the grounds for the RO.
Get a lawyer, go to war. ... and WIN! Winning is not an easy path. In the event you don't win... SO needs to have a CS motion ready to smack him with if the abandonment motion fails. Either way.... she needs to nail this POS to the wall by his gonads.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Trolls are not step parents
Trolls are not step parents who have been on this site for years.
"Trolls" can be vile posters who come here clear out of the blue asking questions, looking for guidance, suggestions and THEN the Trolls usually hit and run OR post and fight with step parents who, are cps' workers, social service investigators, nurses, teachers, counselors, Military spouses, Military parents, stay at home moms, dads and Grandparents, retirees coming from all backgrounds.
Most if not all have years and years of experience as a step parent. Equal amount of time being married to the bio parent.
We have seen it all, we have heard it all in real time AND also on this site.
Sounds like your girlfriend should strongly request via the court, Termination of all Parental Rights for the childs bio father. You dont want him around anyway...nor does your girlfriend. Based on that alone, and by your own words it is easy to conclude that bio dad really doesnt have a chance with the two of you only involved. A court may find girlfriend in contempt.. Custody can change especially in this day and age if courts find mom is making a parent/child relationship difficult.
I suggest "YOU" STEP UP get married asap--and adopt your girlfriends daughter.
Good Luck
You seem like someone who
You seem like someone who would know.
Couldn't the biofather just compel a paternity test after the adoption, have himself listed on the birth certificate, and have it reversed? Couldn't that potentially be more damaging to the kid?
Even if the guy's a total loser, he shouldn't be alienated from his daughter, you know. I have no idea how courts in the UK work, but my own wife filed for a termination of parental rights on her ex, while he was in prison, and it was denied.
I did not mean to offend
I did not mean to offend anybody with my troll comment, I did come here for information and it was given to me yes I accept that. I am sure everybody who posts on this has been through issues of their own and dealt with their own problems their own way but not all situations are the same and I have tried to get my pov across on that. It's not the case of we don't want him involved well truthfully I'm not keen on it but my SO has tried to keep her daughter in his life and she is so worried that in years to come her daughter is going to blame her for him not being a part of it which is why she keeps giving him the chance but he NEVER steps up to the mark and always lets hsi daughter down as well as my SO. I have researched this termination of PR and it doesn't seem to be a clear cut thing in the UK as it possible is the USA. He has said in the past he wants nothing to do with his daughter it's not me or my SO trying to make him out to be some monster he is just not bothered about being a dad.
Alienation is bad..very bad
Alienation is bad..very bad for the child.
bio dad should request paternity test. AND a solid custody agreement. Unless bio dad was convicted of child neglect and or child abuse the sup visits are questionable.
It is unfortunate that many women use the silver bullet to gain full control AND custody of a child. OP didnt say bio dad abused the child. No need for sup visits then because the child is not in danger OR police would have charged and convicted him.
JME (just my experience)
He did not abuse SD as he has
He did not abuse SD as he has never wanted or shown any want to have a part in her life up until yesterday. Supervision was requested on courts grounds for contact with all children not just his own. He was not impisoned as offence was not deemed to be serious enough to do so but was made to abide by certain conditions when being around minors.
OP Thanks for taking the time
OP Thanks for taking the time to clarify.
A court order is needed. To protect the child, and both bio parents. Whether or not dad exercises his visitation is in his hands. Here in the states non custodial do not have to. BUT custodial parent must have the child ready to go when it is non custodial time.
Now sounds like a good time to have an appointment with a family law attorney. Ask the questions, What are moms rights and what are dads rights. Start there.
Leave out the emotions and only discuss equal, fair and balanced agreement.
Good Luck