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Step daughters father is very difficult...

woodj3's picture

I'm engaged to be married. I have a 6 year old daughter and my fiance has a 7 year old daughter. First, I love being a dad. I love hanging out hanging out with my daughter and my partners daughter. They are the most interesting people I've ever spent time with and I have a strong drive to provide them with the oportunity to recognize a realistic sense of self worth. V is my daughter and L is my partners daughter.

L's father is a difficult person to work with. He and my partner have been out of their relationship for almost 3 years and he is persistant in shaming my partner for her difficulties to pay the bills, making appointments, cooridnating visits etc. He calls her lots of names and yells at her when he comes to pick up his daughter. I make it a point to keep a distance from him. I've reached out to him asking him to stop with the verbal assults only to be threatened with violence.

He does not help with money time or really anything for that matter. Some how beyond my beliefe and what I consider to be the realistic odds, my partner manages to make it all happen while still being the most amazing mother and partner to me and team for my daughter.

I own a graphic design company and we make shirts. L has some of the shirts my company produces and he has told her that she isn't allowed to wear those shirts. He told her that he hates me and hates my company. Which I'm mostly okay with. He is clearly troubled and having a difficult time somwhere. My problem is him shaming his daughter for spending time with me. She stopped being okay with me taking her to school and when I asked her if there is anything I can do to make her mornings easier and to let me taker her (her mom goes to work early) she said she can't ride with me because it makes her dad sad. This makes me so sad to see her carying the burden of a 30 year old man. I'm trying to figure out how I can help. As of now I talk to L about how I think her dad is confused and struggling with some things and that I'm sorry she has to carry his weight. I explain to here when she talks to me that he should not say those things to her and that she is not the reason for his anger. I don't know what else to say. I always make a point to tell her that I know he loves her and that I hope to be friends with him when he is ready.

I've come up with a few ideas:

1. Be there when he comes to my partners house in an attempt to let him see how involved I am and to potentially be a reason for him to not start yelling and cursing (at my partner, she responds but not with yelling or cursing but she is firm and sometimes a little antoganistic).

2. Reach out to him via email and let him know that his behavior is worrying me considering my daughter and I will soon be living with his daughter and daughters mother and that if he chooses to continue the same behavior in our new living situation (or at all), that I will choose to go through the system to ensure our safety and security.

3. Not do anything and hope with out much hope that he will settle down

4. Try to just be as available to L and possible and hang in the background.

 

My daughter is not witnessing any of this but I have heard her asking L why her dad hates me. I usually just let them talk about it without asserting myself, inveitably one of them asks me a question about it and my response is always pretty consitant.

"I think he is feeling alot of emotions that he hasn't been taught how to express appropriately. I'm sorry he puts that pressure on you and I am here to listen if you need to talk" I try to leave it there.

I'm a terrible writer/speller and I hope this wasn't too confusing. I'm hoping to some perspective and possible advice.

Survivingstephell's picture

My ex tried pulling the tough guy act.  My DH is a corrections officer with Emergency Response training, (cell rushing)  He was all mouth and I knew it  but had it with his tough guy act.  One day ex was acting up and my DH came to the door of our new house and stood tall and made it clear that he was not allowed to come to door and he could wait in the car when picking up my bios.  He backed down and behaved after that.  I acutally saw him shrink in size.   You do have to find a way to defend your boundaries with him.  Its your home too and you do not need to put up with his scenes.  Maybe a change of pick up location to the local police station would help calm this down.  

Don't think sitting down for beer and hashing out things with him will make it better.  It will only cause him to futher bad mouth you to your step daughter.  ( as you're weak, etc...)  Next time his starts up, tell him that if he doesn't stop the yelling, you will call the cops and they will stop it.  Follow thru because he will test you.  Defend your home and force him to respect it as YOURS.  He's a caveman and unfortunely you will have to resort to cave man things.  Defend your wife, take her side no matter how she handles it.  She has way more experience with him than you do.  

He needs to see a united, iron wall of a couple from you and wife.  And don't forget to  have wife tell him that you know he bad mouths you both to daughter and it won't be tolerated.  New sheriff in town and new rules.  

Once my ex realized that, he calmed down.  Oh he still acts up and says things I'm sure but the bios are 20, 23 and 26 and they have their dad figured out.  For the most part he does right by them and I have nothing to do with him.  Period.  

Now my BM is another story but basically needed to be taught about boundaires too.  She took longer because she's not as smart.  That's another story but I did have to call the cops on her.  

woodj3's picture

I probably should have mentioned that we do not live together at the moment. We will be moving in together in about 2 months. My hope is to get this in order before I have to worry about preventing him from coming to my house. I appreciate your advice and input. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're dealing with a high conflict parent, which means most of the reasonable, adult things you SHOULD be able to do CAN'T be done.

If he threatens violence, file for a restraining order. If he comes to your door after you all move in together and misbehave, tell him to get back in his car or get off your property or you'll call the cops. Your SO needs to learn to ignore much of his spouting and not engage, even with a form tone. Her being antagonistic in any way just justifies and intensifies his anger.

This is not a man that an email, a beer, and a chat will work with. He is using his own daughter and emotionally manipulating her to make himself feel better/get a rise out of your SO/cause issues for you all. Set firm boundaries (e.g. no getting out of the car at drop off/pick up; all communication goes through email to SO) and enact firm consequences (e.g. actually call the police if he starts threatening; take him back to court for less visitation if he is trying to PAS his daughter or using violent threats against you all; have drop off/pick up at the police station and get it COed).

He won't stop until it is no longer fun. Even then, he may not stop until he "wins", or thinks he has won. I think you are handling things with your SD well, but her mother also needs to be talking to her about how, no matter what her dad thinks, she is to remain respectful to you and listen to you. That may not be an issue now, but if Dad keeps feeding her crap about you, as soon as you do something she doesn't like, she may start believing Dad. That is probably Dad's hope - poison her against you so he can laugh at the chaos it brings.

So boundaries, consequences, and your fiance learning to ignore the BS that isn't threats. 

Ispofacto's picture

This.  These parents are exposing their child to unnecessary conflict.  SO needs to put a stop to this crap.  Get a video camera and point it directly at him every time he gets close.  Then mandate that both parties will stay in the car at exchanges, and he may not approach either of you at any public events.  No telephone calls, he can text or email only.

Rags's picture

The situation you are struggling with is challenging. 

I have a couple of questions.

Does your Fiance have a Custody/Visitation/Support order in place against her XH? If not, why not?

Is your Fiance the CP (Custodial Parent)? If so, you and she collectively can own this idiot's toxic ass and should.

My SS-25's SpermClan was as toxic as they could be.  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  Our version of your SD's dipshitiot father was SpermGrandHag.  She presented many of the same behaviors that the SpermIdiot in your situation is presenting though we never had to deal with threatened violence. Lucky for them.  That would have been extremely painful for them. Even more so than the consequences we applied for their non violent toxic crap.

I recommend that go you full confrontation mode with your SD's idiot father.  Leverage all of the advantages that you have to put that POS in his place.

We held the financial  upper hand and we leveraged it fully to our advantage.  You seem to have that upper hand in your situation so use it to the fullest extent possible.

First... nail this idiot to the wall with the full consequences of the law for his threat of violence.  File charges ASAP addressing his terroristic threats. 

If your Fiance does not  have a support order in place, motivate her to get one. NOW!!!

Your SD and your own DD will see you as what you are. A confident man of character, a strong partner for your bride, an example as a responsible father, a good provider, a professional, etc, etc, etc....  

As the girls get older season them both with the facts of the situation in an age appropriate manner. You seem to already be doing this with  your SD.  Don't forget  your DD.  She needs to know the situation as well as the rest of the blended family and to know that SD's SpermIdiot is a jackass whose crap will not be tolerated.  You indicate that your daughter is not witnessing any of this yet she knows that your SD's SpermIdiot doesn't like you.  She is witnessing it and she is aware of it.  That is why she (and the SD) need to be seasoned with the facts in an age appropriate manner. So that they can learn to protect themselves in this situation.

As for interfacing with the SpermIdiot.... he is past being dealt with reasonably. Take the initiative and put him in his place with a clear understanding that his crap will not be tolerated and that  you and your bride will bring ever legal, financial, and social consequence to bear that is necessary to get him under control.

My SS was keenly aware that his SpermClan disliked me and was extremely controlling of his mom.  Like your bride my amazing bride had zero use for them and did not cow to their crap.  Follow your bride's example and partner to protect the best interests of the kids in your home.  You are as much SD's dad as her own father is. More so in fact.  Because while he is a toxic, immature POS waste of parental skin... you are a man of character and a good father. 

As for your ideas.... I suggest the following.

1. Be there when he comes to my partners house in an attempt to let him see how involved I am and to potentially be a reason for him to not start yelling and cursing (at my partner, she responds but not with yelling or cursing but she is firm and sometimes a little antagonistic).

Yes be there.  Also have the police there to observe hand offs.  Of course file an RO in response to his threats and make him wait at the end of the drive way or meet as the police station for Skid handoff.

2. Reach out to him via email and let him know that his behavior is worrying me considering my daughter and I will soon be living with his daughter and daughters mother and that if he chooses to continue the same behavior in our new living situation (or at all), that I will choose to go through the system to ensure our safety and security.

No...  All communication needs to be through your bride and lawyers.  This guy has no earned reasonableness so don't give it too him.  He does not need to know a thing about your moving in. That is entirely between  you and your bride. You and she are equity life partners and as such you both are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  Neither her H nor your W need to have any knowledge or say on what occurs in your home.  Keep it t hat way.

3. Not do anything and hope with out much hope that he will settle down

While to do nothing is always an option... in this case I don't think it is a viable option.  This guy will just run with doing nothing and escalate. Get his mads firmly in hand early and keep them there so that he has immediate clarity that his crap will be met with total confrontation.

4. Try to just be as available to L and possible and hang in the background.

Yes be available to your SD.  She needs you, your bride needs you and your DD needs you.  However, the background is not where you need to be IMHO. You need to be front and center for all of these ladies and do what is necessary to protect your marriage,  your family and the best interests of your bride, SD and  your own DD.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck and congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials.

Don't tolerate  his crap.

momjeans's picture

All really good advice so far.

Her ex husband sounds just like my husband’s ex wife. She was (and still is...) a miserable, insecure, high conflict ass. She too threatened me with physical violence, was physically and verbally combative at exchanges at our house, used emotionally abusive dialogue with her own daughter to turn her against me, told her daughter “It makes mommy really sad when you tell me you like momjeans,” and she stalked her own daughters school to make sure I wasn’t doing morning school BY MYSELF. I wasn’t, but occasionally rode along with dad. It must’ve got back to BM, through hazy details, and thought I was taking her by myself. My DH was livid at this behavior of BM’s showing up at the school on HIS morning drop-offs. 

I finally reached out to her and it backfired on me. She wanted nothing to do with being adults for the sake of her daughter.

I wouldn’t even try with this guy. You’re right - he has his own issues, and no matter what you do, you aren’t going to help matters. Don’t engage with him. Keep a record of threats, etc in case you need it for later. Keep being a positive support unit for your fiancé and role model to the young girls.