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What can I do about this situation? - Long

MsNiceguy's picture

I'm not sure if anyone knows how I am feeling here, but as divorced parents, somebody may be able to relate...

My ex and I have been divorced since 2000, and yet he is still bitter and mean! For the last 8 years, he's been a pretty big deadbeat. His child support payments are very sporadic because he's hopping from job to job. He hasn't filed his taxes in a few years either, because he doesn't want the money to go to me. That in itself has been greatly frustrating, but what I don't get is why he has to be so mean to me?!? I have no idea where he is coming from, as everything he says is a lie - and I mean everything! It's like I'm talking to a maniac! (the guy doesn't even have a substance abuse problem). I've always allowed my children to see him, and yet he never even tries. He saw his kids (3 kids - 15, 13, and 10) once so far this year - this past Easter. He picked them up for a couple hours. The time before that was Christmas. In between this, there have been no phone calls, no contact. Not even a birthday call or card or anything! When he quits his job, that is when I usually try to make contact with him (honestly, I'm to the point where all I want from him is the CS), and I'm not going to let him get away with not taking care of his responsibilities! It's hard to raise my kids without his support! On top of the huge lack of communication, when I do ever get a hold of him, he is mean as a snake!

My two older kids are pretty much over him, but my 10-year-old is still holding out hope for a relationship with his father. I have never tried to stop that. So, he asked me if he could call him to see if he could go out to lunch. I was almost certain he would not answer the call, because we had been trying to make contact with him for weeks, and he would never answer. Low and behold, he answered the phone, and his son asked him to take him to lunch. He said he couldn't do that, but he could pick him up and take him over to his place (his place being his new wife's parents' house - what a story! This family will actually support their adult daughter, her deadbeat husband, and their new baby! Neither one of them will work!) So, they set a time - 10:00 a.m.

Here's where the story goes from here:
10:00 Saturday rolls around, and my son is anxiously waiting at the window for his father to show up. There is no phone call, no contact, and he rolls on in at 11:00 a.m. This time, I was determined to speak to him (usually I just hide in the house when he picks up his kids) Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Thanks for being late.
Him: I said 10-11 a.m.
Me: No, you said 10
Him: I don't want to argue with you.
Me: Fine. Do you have a job yet? How about your taxes?
Him: Ya, I got a job and contacted friend of the court, and you ain't getting my taxes.
And you have a police report on you for harassment and trying to accuse me of doing drugs.
Me: What are you talking about?!?
Him: You'll find out.

I said a few nasty things as he walked away from me, I just couldn't help it. He speaks to me this way every time, and I only speak to him about twice a year! How is this harassment? And why won't he pick up the phone for his very own kids?!

Well, two of my kids went, and he kept them for a few hours. My youngest excitedly told me that his dad promised to pick him up next weekend so he could help clean the in-law's pond. He was that anxious to see his father again!

So, he called practically every day for assurance from his father that he would be picked up. His dad told him he would be there at noon.

Noon rolls around, nothing. About a half hour later, my son called him, and he said he was in a work meeting and would be another hour. Now I know this man is just trying to mess with me, and my 2 older children were anxious to go shopping with me as soon as their little brother was picked up. So, we wait another hour. Another hour and a half goes by, and I told my kids we would leave in 15 minutes - I have had it! Sure enough, 15 minutes later he calls to tell his son he was on his way and would be there in 35 minutes. It must have been about 10-15 minutes later when he called again, but this time I was on the phone, and he beeped through, so I was forced to answer. Here's how the conversation went:
Him: Son!
Me: You can speak to me.
Him: Let me talk to son!
Me: You can speak to me.

this went on for a few then:
Him: I'm already halfway there so I'll be there earlier than I told son.
Me: Fine. Will you be here in 10 minutes?
Him: Do the math! What's half of 30? Can't you do simple math?
Me: Why do you have to be so mean? If you're not here in 10 minutes, I am leaving and taking son with me!
Him: Fine - you'll just ruin his weekend!
Me: I've have enough of your sh*t! You are a useless f**k!

I hung up.

I finally made the call, I told my kids we would wait exactly 10 minutes, then leave. My son, of course, was upset - but what else was I supposed to do? I am so tired of that man treating me this way! It's really hard to explain in words just how vicious he is and has been. He doesn't even try to be nice!

Anyway, after 10 minutes, I left. My son was in hysterics, he was very very upset! I remained calm and comforting towards him, and I tried to explain to him what I cannot explain to myself.

So then, as we are heading down the road, who pops up but DAD! I continued to drive and decided to go to a police station to - even now - let him have his son! He hung up on his own kids, then he tried to say he wasn't in the area and so it was too late "tell your psycho mother to stop harassing me!" What the heck is his problem?

Anyway, no contact since then, and my son calmed down, but he is still consumed with negative feelings for his dad. I was proud of him, however, when he decided he would rather go to church on Sunday morning instead of calling his dad to beg him to pick him up.

So, if you've gotten this far, you may be able to relate. Please explain your thoughts on this.


everythinghappens4areason's picture

Looking at it from the same side as you and changing my thoughts on things....

I have an ex that has not paid support in 10+ yrs, nor filed his taxes in that length of time either. He refuses to pay support and always works under the table. I have come to terms with this "not getting any support" (owes me 100,000 in arrears) because I had to for myself...I was becoming so bitter about it, that it was consuming MY life.

I have NEVER been able to financially swing things...always robbing Peter to pay Paul kind of thing....ALWAYS. But with this being said, I have 3 kids (18,16,13)that all appreciate & respect things that they get or have, they ALL have jobs (18 full time) and they respect me for the fact that they know it was me and only me that made sure that they had what was needed. They have NEVER gotten extra's unless someone else in the family has bought it for them because I could not afford it....there are many times when the food bank was used because there was not enough to have both a roof and clothes on their backs and pay for food. Times have been very, very tough financially.

Visitation has always been supervised because ex was convicted many times for wife assault on me, but HE chooses only to see the kids very once every few years. They are lucky to get a phone call from him once every 18 months...and that is at best...he has never to this day in 10 yrs called them on their b-days, sent them a card for any occasion...squat!

My son (18)just this past winter decided that he wanted to live with dad & got a hold of him....aside from everything that I have just described. My nerves were shot thinking of what horror would take place, but all I said was, well....I wish you luck and if you need help you can always count on mom but you already know that. (This was very, very hard for me to do...broke my heart & I was scared to death for him knowing dad's temper). The living with dad was good for apprx 6 wks, then dad punched him in the head for not listening to him. Son caught a ride home FAST. Son refuses to even speak to dad now. It was hard for me keep my personal feelings out of this and my gutt feelings because I knew that my son needed to see his dad for what he he idolized his dad...BECAUSE IT WAS HIS DAD. I was just glad the assault was not worse then it was.

As for the other kids, the 16 year old has decided she is saving to change her last name...all the kids go by dad's surname. She is so disgusted with everything that she has seen that she wants no association with him. Younger one still misses the dad she really doesn't know, never has really because she was just 26 months old when we separated....but she misses dad just because it is DAD.

I know what you are going through because he and I used to have conversations like this for the first couple of years. I had to remove myself from it though because I was having problems dealing with it. I had to open up and see the Big Picture that support probably would not come to me whether I addressed it with him or not because it shouldn't be an issue. You have kids, you should help support them whether they live with you or not. I even suggested at one point in time that he just drop off milk and bread, that I would appreciate that....just something...but it has yet to come.

I too remember my kids sitting by the window waiting anxiously for dad & supervisor to show up to get them the few times it actually happened or was supposed too. Their faces were all bright with excitement and they would keep running back and forth to the clock...time would tick by...minutes...going into hours. I watched their faces crush when they realized that he was late or was not showing up at all. It broke my heart to see them like this. I tried my best not to knock him down as much as I wanted to hit him over the head with a shovel for doing this to our kids. I could never understand why he did this, other than he just has no respect for why show it for his kids. I do not doubt that their dad loves them to this day, but his love and my love are two very different things....that is what I had to learn to understand/accept and my kids are learning to understand/accept.

My heart goes out to you, because I can see your little guy sitting their so impatiently waiting on his dad, just to get crushed in the end...that was my same little boy looking out the window so very excited, then to see him devastated with tears rolling down his cheeks. I am not sure what the right way to go about it is, but I know what I had to come to terms with has worked for me & my kids.

Hugs to you,

MsNiceguy's picture

You really have a good point. I have stopped letting him consume me for a while now, but unfortunately my new BF cannot believe he is acting this way, so I feel like I am having to face his nastiness again because the BF is still feeling the anger and frustration I have felt for so long. Regardless, I have a sneaking feeling that my kids will all figure out their father in the end, and so far that has worked for me. They will figure out what a jerk he is on their own without my help. It sure is hard to get the cold shoulder from a man whom you planned and welcomed 3 babies in the world, but I'm getting over it. I know he's not happy.

Anyway, I appreciate the fact that you have gone through the same thing, and that's all I needed to hear. I feel better. Thanks!

everythinghappens4areason's picture

I still to this day wonder what happened to the man that wanted these 3 kids just as much as I did. And aside from the way he treated me, he did treat the kids very well when we were I think that is what shocks me the lack of understanding his reasons for things.

I know my (current) hubby does not understand how I can accept and just go on without causing the ex piles of grief...maybe because he is a father that always see's his kids since he and his ex parted ways 8 yrs ago..and he always pays his support.....and his ex still puts us through hell. I once said to her, you should be so very thankful that hubby continues to be a dad, regardless that you are thankful that he wants to be a part of their lives, continues to love them & shows it, provides for them without even a slight hesitation...if she only walked a mile in my shoes, maybe, just maybe, her eyes would open wide and she would stop her nonsense. But I honestly can not see that ever happening.

I don't know what to suggest to you when it comes to your BF. I can understand how he is upset & how it can cause issues between you and you feel obligated to ask for support. The way I now look at it is, I have court documents that state he is to pay, I have an enforcement order in place, but unless he is willing to step up to the plate and pay (or at least start working a job where deductions can be taken off), then is it worth my effort to become upset & upset MY HOUSEHOLD over his lack of consideration or responsibility? It doesn't seem worth the effort for me when I know things will not change.

Good luck to you with your kids....especially the little guy..cause I think he is the one that is suffering the most over his dad.