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Sound Familiar?

Ispofacto's picture

Him: Killjoy wants to go early to her mom’s house.

Me: I thought you said she hates her mom. I told you: She’s been playing you.

Him: She wants to go early because her mom is baking treats.

Me: So she hates her mom unless there’s something in it for her? So, what you’re saying is Killjoy doesn’t really have values: it’s all about her and what she’s “getting”? BM has always used food to manipulate her, and that is why she is overweight and has an eating disorder. I don’t want to see it or hear about it anymore.

Him: Should I let her go early?

Me: Why are you asking me?

Him: I value your opinion.

Me: Really? Because whenever I say something, you either say, “I don’t want to hear it”, or you just do whatever you want anyway. You know what I would say. If you give BM something, she thinks you are now BFFs, and she’ll start calling and texting 20x/day asking for things, and berating you, right where it left off.

Him: I know.

Me: Then why did we have this conversation? Now I’m pissed. You keep telling me Killjoy sees through her mom’s toxic bullsh!t. It’s never going to happen. Killjoy is enmeshed with her mom, always has been, always will be. She tells you what she thinks you want to hear. Get it through your head: She’s playing you.

Him: She’s better now.

Me: What do you mean?

Him: She stopped the pouting and the tantrums.

Me: Really?? That’s another thing I don’t need to hear constantly. How could she be better when there was nothing wrong before? You told me for years it was all in my head.

Him: I saw it.

Me: So you GASLIT me for the last 8 years???

Him: No, I saw it, it just never bothered me. But she’s better now.

Me: So you’ve been f*cking lying to me for 8 years and you expect me to believe you now??? How would you know if she was better? You said she wasn’t doing it, but now she’s stopped??? Let’s just stop this. She’s manipulative as f*ck. That won’t change. I will NEVER believe either of you again. So don’t bother. She wanted me out of her life, she got what she wanted.

Him: She misses you. She wants a mom.

Me: That’s a steaming pile of bullsh!t. Stop telling me that. She wants you to feel sorry for her her, and it’s working. She’s playing you. Things aren’t going back to the way they were. Ever. Accept it.

Him: I miss doing things together.

Me: So, it's all about you and making you comfortable? Want to know what I miss? I miss my mental health.

Cara1128's picture

Wow...that is some big BS right there...I really dont even...which to tackle first...hmmm
Yup send killjoy to bm(not your problem if shes fat or...)
Then tackle the problems right there
This man has been making you responsible for his choices now (dunno maybe the whole time) he blames you for gis daughter's choices.(your oppinion matters only when he needs a shield against his ex or other things ugh despicable)
Tell him he can do whatever he wants
Then the lying and disrespect that entails.
Take some time for you. (With money you should be using for groceries lol..)Go to a spa make yourself pretty.

steppingback's picture

This is so familiar! The "it is in your head" bullshit gaslighting! Don't let them make you think it is you! By the way if you haven't watch the movie Gaslight it is so good and on point!
Big hug to you.

sammigirl's picture

GOOD FOR YOU! It's not easy to stand on your boundaries and disengagement.

Your DH is doing exactly what mine does. He is trying to make you feel guilty and draw you back into the blended family dream.

You have to take care of your mental health; but after 38 years of marriage, trying with the blended family for 30+ years, it has taken it's toll on me. I'm over it and slowly gaining my health back. My disengagement began 8 years ago and finally I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there!


Exjuliemccoy's picture

BOOM!! Love how you handed you delusional DH truth. Clarity is truly a thing of beauty.

Every. Single. new member should bookmark this post and refer to it whenever they start to doubt themselves.

Ispofacto's picture

Thanks for the support everyone, I feel like this site is a massive reality check in a world of gaslighting!

In DH's defense, I will say that I think he really does believe that bit about Killjoy wanting a mom, he's sad for her that he made a poor choice in her BM. But it is pure projection, really his wish, not hers. Killjoy really does NOT want a relationship with me tho, of that I am very sure. DH is just a giant smurf, he's super nice and doesn't see any evil in the world. He's too damn innocent. I told him he's lucky I'm not a black widow or gold digger or something. He's lucky he survived his relationship with Casey Anthony.

I will survive the SD from HELL's picture

I so understand where you're at right now....My situation looks the same. My DH's favorite line is "I hear you babe. I really do." He may physically hear me, but that's as far as that goes, no follow through....ever! Then the gaslighting... how is it ok to emotionally destroy someone you "love". Thank you for posting this, it helped a lot! Smile

Ispofacto's picture

DH: Killjoy has MLK day off of school, so she made plans to go to the mall with her friends.

Me: Killjoy is not in charge of this household. She doesn't get to 'make plans' without consulting an adult first. Months ago I put on the calendar for her to spend that day with her mom.

DH: She doesn't want to go to her mom's. She doesn't like her mom.

Me: She doesn't care about anyone either way. It's all about 'getting' something. And controlling what we do. She keeps reminding us that her mom is her mom, let her enjoy her boring mom as much as possible.

DH: Well, she doesn't want to go.

Me: Whatever Killjoy wants is always a ruling argument for you. I don't give a rat's ass what she wants. You are not going to be home and you are not leaving her here with me.

DH: She's not going to be home, she'll be at the mall.

Me: She'll be at the mall from 7am to 5pm?? I love being home alone.

DH: You said she needs a social life.

Me: Yes, she needs to get a life. She spends every waking moment in the same room with you when you are home. Funny how she was able to make plans when you are not going to be here.

DH: You can't have it both ways. She is trying to do something and you are saying NO.

Me: SHE doesn't get to have it both ways. She says she has a mom, I'm not her mom, but she doesn't want to see her mom. I am not her parent and she is not staying here with me.

DH: But she was going with NiceFriend. NiceFriend was going to move away but now she is not.

Me: She hasn't made any effort to see NiceFriend in two years. Maybe she should see her on your next weekend.

Acratopotes's picture

but Killjoy is only a child, she needs to go to the mall and you will jump if she demands coming home, I give a rats ass about your view, Killjoy comes first in this house hold..... if you do not accept it you are an evil SM and I dont know if I can stay married to you..

Killjoy Hon... you can sleep in SM will take you and Nicefriend to the mall , wait in the car for you and bring you back.. Oh if you need money simply take her my Princess

QTsmum's picture

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sad It got under my skin and I'm not even involved.

I hope you stick your ground, because you KNOW that she'll end up back home (or not going at all) with you. Men are so blind to manipulation (the ones I've come across anyways!) Makes you want to shake the shit out of them.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Ipso, I enjoy your writing very much, and these dialogues you share are the best! They have me laughing and shaking my head. Please keep posting them.

Ispofacto's picture

Thanks everyone. <3

This is actually the second time this exact conversation has happened. Last time was November 10th for Veteran's Day. We said "NO. You don't get to decide whether or not you see your parents." In the intervening weeks, Killjoy has not made any plans with friends on DH's weekends. Methinks she is playing yet another one of her idiotic control games. She's what I call passive-aggressive Oppositional Defiant Disorder. If we say go she wants to stay. If we say stay she wants to go. Up down, left right, yes no, dark light, pancakes waffles, tacos pizza. It's always a saga. It's not about the friends, it's about being told NO. She has to keep asking until she gets her way.

There's actually a lot more going on here than meets the eye. Our BM is like a toddler. If you tell her she can have something, she doesn't want it, if you tell her she can't have something, she HAS TO HAVE IT. It doesn't matter what it is. She'd spend two years and thousands of our dollars to legally pursue $10. The consequences of being petty and childish have never fallen on her, so she can be as stubborn and ridiculous as she wants. She HAS TO WIN. She has to TAKE something she was not freely given. Adult ODD. For those of you who haven't seen my other posts, our BM is a psychopath.

Right after DH got sole custody, Killjoy started 3rd grade, and DH voluntarily gave BM afterschool pickups as a gesture of goodwill. BM rewarded him by removing Killjoy's homework from her bookbag and disposing of it. DH found out about it much later when a midterm report showed over a dozen missing assignments. Stupid BM implicated herself by taking one of the missing papers to the GAL to "prove" to him how badly Killjoy was doing in school now that she was in DH's care. It was a spelling test Killjoy bombed because the list had not come home with her, and her teacher was frequently in the habit of cancelling the weekly spelling tests, so DH didn't miss it. As sole custodian, he was further deprived of the opportunity to correct the situation when the failed test was not brought home. Killjoy had to make up all the assignments, some of which she had already partly completed previously. Another thing BM did was force Killjoy to write "I hate my dad, I miss my mom, I want to live with my mom" in her weekly school journal. So DH cut off BM's afterschool pickups.

Well, BM couldn't have that, so she filed for expanded visitation, including afterschool pickups. It dragged out for over a year at a cost of over $10k to us, but we wouldn't budge on the afterschool pickups. And the GAL backed us up. In the end, the only thing BM got out of the mess was half of the school holidays, which unbeknownst to her, DH gave her willingly. He came home laughing, "BM has to pick her up at 7am and return her at 5pm. It's great. Free babysitting." BM thought she'd "taken" something DH didn't want her to have, and thought she'd "won".

For BM, it's never about her "relationship" with Killjoy, since BM completely ignores and neglects her. It's about getting her fair share, not letting anyone get over on her, and having a point of conflict to bitch about. So at first she'd complain if the rotation was not exactly his her his hers. Frequently DH would try to time it for maximum convenience, so the days off would just be an early friday pickup on a weekend that was already hers, so she didn't have to make a special trip. If she sent a text complaining the rotation was wrong, he ignored her. No doubt she called to bitch to the GAL, and he ignored her as well. How deflating. Poor BM.

Well then Killjoy pissed me off for the last time, and I decided to run BM around even more, as well as force Killjoy to get her lazy ass out of bed early when she didn't have to. I set the calendar to give BM 80% of the school holidays, at the most inconvenient times possible. And she can't complain, because DH is being nice and giving her extra time, which is what she claimed she wanted. She has to get her obese, lazy ass out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to do all of the driving and give me a day off. The joke is on her. But it seems she is beginning to suspect she is being played. So now she doesn't want the school holidays anymore. She can't come out and say so, so she no doubt complains about the driving, the early hour, how sick she is, how unfair it is that Ipso is sleeping in, booo hooo hoooooo, and makes Killjoy miserable the whole day. Good. That is who Killjoy's mother is. She wanted her, she got her. Have joy.

So I'm sure most of this is coming from the BM making her manipulative suggestions about how weird it is that she is getting more than half, when she supposedly wanted all in the first place. Let BM wear out the car she can't afford to maintain because she doesn't work, and get her drug addled ass out of bed early on cold days. But I see these pathetic, stubborn control attempts for what they are, and they are not going to work. BM lives 31.5 miles away. The CO said that if either parent moves more than 30 miles away, they have to do all the driving. Out of spite she tried to move 29.5 miles away, but miscalculated. It's hilarious.