You are here

Don't want SD with with BM

nevaland's picture

My Step Daughter is 9 and she is the oldest of her mom's three kids from three different men, but her mom is a mess. She can barely take care of her own life and a lot of times it is not safe for me and husband to let our daughter see her. She does have a mental illness and I don't blame her for having it for being a victim to it, but I feel like I can blame her for not seeing a counselor, or taking medications, or doing anything to help herself. 

My husband has been able to figure out, over the last 9 years, when the BM is in a good place or a bad place and we don't our daughter see her BM when she is in a manic period because we know that she will not be a good parent.

BM is having major family drama and I can't get my husband to stop caring. (Becuase even after they divorced my husband continued to take care of her be the only person she could turn to for support.) Now she wants our daughter to help her move. We have full custody of our daughter and I think when she goes see her mom she shouldn't be put to work. 

I would love to take our daughter away from it all and adopt her myself. My husband and I have both thought about pursuing a legal court case, but we think it would lead to our daughter resenting us in the future. She is still so young I know that as she grows older she will want the chance to spend time with and know her both mom, but it is so hard to send her someplace where we can only assume and hope that she is safe.  Especially with all the drama BM brings into our life. 

24 years as a SM's picture

Until you adopt your SD9, she is not "Our Daughter" she is your DH's daughter and your step daughter. It's tough when you have a Bio parent that has mental illness, they try to depend on their children as a support person. If the BM is having that bad of issues, do you think approaching her about adopting SD9 when send her over the edge? It's understandable that you are trying to keep SD9 in a safe environment. 

nevaland's picture

My husband calls her "Our daughter" all the time and he gets kind of upset when I don't call her my own or use language that implies any future children we have are my kids and she is not, so there is nothing wrong or incorrect with me calling her my daughter. 

I don't think BM would ever give up her rights and let me adopt SD.

elkclan's picture

I completely understand the pain and tension in having stepchildren who have a mentally unwell BM. But she is not your daughter. My stepkids' BM has a personality disorder. I also understand what it's like to grow up with crazy. My mother has a personality disorder.

I have a quasi parental relationship with my step kids. That's what makes me a step-parent. 

Your step daughter, however much loved, has a mother. Her mother is not a good mother and apparently she has been lucky enough to have an involved dad and loving stepmother. But no matter how much you wish it you cannot undo her actual biological and lived family history and to try to pretend otherwise is not helping her and is denying her feelings, her complicated relationship with her mother and her reality.