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Picture of BM

nevaland's picture

I was playing with my SD last night and I saw a picture in her closet. It was of her mom and my husband. They had obviously gone and gotten pictures professionally taken. 

I think it is strange that my SD has that picture because my husband and BM got divorced 6 months after my SD was born so she never knew them together. It makes me wonder if (like all children do) she wishes her mom and dad would get back together. I understand that my SD would want a picture of her mom, but I hate that it is of her and my husband. 

I am worried that it would be overstepping or overreacting to ask my husband and SD to get a new picture of BM.  

I asked my husband about it and he said that he was getting rid of some stuff and when SD saw it she wanted to keep it. My SD is nine so that means he was only getting rid of the picture a few years ago. I feel like my husband did not do the divorce right and maybe that is what upsets me, because if he had gotten rid of the pictures of his ex-wife (as well as other things I feel he should have done differently that I won't get into) in a timely matter then my SD wouldn't have the picture and I wouldn't have had to see it and I could forget that my husband once loved someone else enough to marry her, before me. 

I'm fine with my SD having a picture of her mom at our house, I think it's great, but I just wish it wasn't of her and my husband. It's really bothering me and I don't know how to get over it. Any advice?

MurphysLaw's picture

Um, you have been a member of this forum for 3 days.

In your bio it states that you are NOT married yet.

So I gotta ask …are you currently on your honeymoon?

LOL

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

People move fast in Utah MurphysLaw. I was there for ages. people would meet, date, and marry in like a few months. It was crazy.

Cbarton12's picture

I really think you need to take a step back and not take it personally.

Yes it can be very startling to encounter this and maybe feel a twinge of jealousy. I once found a box that had my husband's wedding CD (photos of the wedding with his ex wife) and some other photos from when they were together. But my DH is saving these for SD as well as some of BM's jewelery. 

SD was an infant when her parents divorced. But I am sure she will love to have the above-mentioned items when  she is older because they are her parents. 

And I can't selfishly ask my DH to not keep those items for SD. It doesn't harm anyone.

Same thing in your scenario. The photo is in your SD's room. It's not harming you and it's a photo of her parents that she deserves to have. 

ITB2012's picture

My son had a pic of him, me and my XH in his room for a long time. It was a way, I thought, for him to know both parents love him and keep them around even with a split house (and we never did the nightly phone call thing, that would have been a fiasco).

Anyway, I still have my wedding photos from my first marriage and so does DH. They are of a happy time in our previous lives and it's nice to know there was a happy time.

That's what's going on with your SD. She probably just wants a happy picture of her parents. And it's in the closet. It's not like it's hanging over her bed or in the living room. She may not harbor a desire for them to get back together but I bet she harbors a desire for them to love and parent her.

tog redux's picture

Let the poor girl keep a picture of her parents, and get over your insecurity. Yep, they were together and they had sex. They were even happy enough to take a picture of themselves together. It's a reality and doesn't mean anything other than that.  I bet you had past boyfriends that you were happy with, too.

 

 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It’s in her room and it’s her parents. Leave it alone. It has nothing to do with you. You have an issue because he’s YOUR Husband. He was her FATHER first and that is her mother. Nothing will change that. Get rid of the picture and you’ve still got the girl staring you in the face that YOUR husband has an ex.

Of course she wishes her parents were still together. I was 25 when my divorced. I HATED my father and yet I still wished my mom and dad stayed together. I wish my dad could have been a better person because I feel like it tore apart of family. At least I had them while I was a child. At least my peers didn’t know. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to grow up different.

One of the things that does bother me as an adult is that I don’t have any family pictures. I grew up before cell phones and all that so it meant going to a photographer which my father HATED doing so I only remember it happening twice as a family. The pictures were expensive so they didn’t get to many copies and who knows where are those went. Then shortly before the divorce my mom tossed the photo of her and my father before I was born. I hurts and I’m a full grown adult. I remember seeing that on the wall every day of my childhood. I remember how beautiful my mother looked and how kinder my father seemed. They really looked like they were happy and now it’s gone. I have two different photos of two people who created me but nothing of us together.  

That is my family. It doesn’t matter who comes into the picture and I HOPE my mom and dad both get new partners. I want them to be happy. They have a pretty screwed up relationship as it is now but that’s a different matter.

My point is divorce or breakups whatever suck. I would give up my relationship with my partner if it meant him and his ex could work it out and truly be a happy family with the kids I love. Even if it meant I’d never have met them. I know that would have been best for them but that’s not reality so we make the best of what we have. I respect the kids’ mother as their mother and her importance to them. I respect that she and my partner have a past and nothing I do will change that. I can think she’s the worst person in the world but she is still their mother and he chose to have not one but two kids with her. We’ve talked about their relationship. We’ve talked about what happened and why they didn’t work out. From there we move on but I remember that she is their mom and they need her. I will NEVER refuse to allow them to bring any picture of their parents in our home because that’s not my place and what does it matter. He’s with me an 100 pictures of them together doesn’t change that. That doesn’t mean I’m going to put the picture on the wall in my living room but their room their choice and that’s how it should be.

Harry's picture

You should really think about this.  This is just the tip of your life.  Your SO has kept these pictures for some reason.  All parents with kids always make excuses for keeping thing from the past. You can not keep pictures of your biker BF because you don’t have kids.  But he can.

There will always be reasons for thing “ because of the Kids”. Joint party’s, birthdays, Christmas together to play Happy Family,  even through its so happy they split.   If that the way you feel, your are going to have a tough time. Give up that you are going to be s mother, your not.this kid has a mother, your are not it. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

age to know that they are the result of a union that was at one time a happy union. 

We all have a desire to know about  our history. There is an entire industry built around the where and from whom did I come?

The picture serves to add another layer to the little that she likely and about her parents ' history.

The picture has nothing to do with you or her relationship with you. At her age, she may not even understand fully why she finds trying the picture meaningful.

I would imagine  even at your age, you take pleasure in finding pictures of your parents.

Do not let your insecurities effect  a child's harmless collecting of family memorabilia.

You find your insecurities troubling,, do not use them to make trouble for others.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Child of divorce here. I jave a couple of different family pictures with my mom and dad, and my siblings, all together. They are my family.

Wanna know what else I have? Pictures of my mom and SF and me. Pictures of my dad and his girlfriend and me. Those pictures are *also* pictures of my family.

Her definition of family will never be the same as yours, and her want for pictures of her bio parents together, with her, will likely never go away. That doesn't mean she wishes they were still together. That doesn't mean she won't ever see you as family. It means that she wanted a picture of her with her parents. That's as deep as it goes.

You're going to have to get used to the fact that your SO had a life before you, and during parts of it, it was a happy life that brought about new life. If you can't handle that, it's not your SD that needs to conform to you. It's the other way around.

fourbrats's picture

have the same here. One of my favorite pictures of my dad (who has sinced passed away) is of him and DS at my wedding to my first husband. It is often my Facebook profile picture. The kids have family pictures that include their biological parents, bios with steps, grandparents, step grandparents, aunts, uncles, step aunts and uncles, and aunts and uncles that have been disappeared from the family through divorce. We are a huge group on all sides and why toss photos of their history? Plus my ex happened to be my high school sweetheart so basically every high school photo I have would have been trashed and my kids have the right to see me in all of my big hair and grunge glory lol! 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I once found my DuH’s wedding album from when he made the worst mistake ever: marrying that masculine she-beast lol. I looked through it, shaking my head and dry-heaving.

Then, in disdain, I made him disappear it. He may have tossed it like the trash she is but I’m not certain. 

I have never seen shit like that in stepdemon’s hovel but I rarely enter the pit of disease and despair.

I'm out's picture

Hmm I'm going to go against the grain and agree with you that I wouldn't be very happy about that either. If sd wants to keep the picture then fine, she can take it back with her to bm's house and have it there and bring a different picture of her mum to yours.  

I agree with Harry that an sm already has to put up with enough stuff "for the kids" and a picture of their happy little family that once was, sat in your house, is not one of those things that you should have to look at. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's in SD's bedroom. It was in the closet. It's not like it's out on display in the front room. It's in a private space for SD.

StrawberryPie's picture

It was a picture of her parents - in her closet.  Let the kid keep the picture. There is no need to open her closet door and look at it.  If it were a big fat head on the outside of her bedroom door, then I may feel differently.  

GirlfriendMom's picture

It's in his room. Its framed nicely. It used to be in the closet but he moved it to his desk. Did it make me a little upset? Does it evoke a feeling of insecurity?... Yeah. But do I realize that this kid probably enjoys seeing his parents during a happy time instead of hating eachother like they do now? Yeah.

He was older when they got divorced (l think 9?) so I get it even more. BM even tricked SO into letting her live with him like 5 years ago "for the kids". She stayed for a week ot two sleeping in SDs room before she said Haha just kidding gonna go live with my boyfriend and dipped out. I can't imagine being my SS... 

As much as it hurts to see SO and BM happy together with their family before me, making me feel like they had something that we dont/never will, I can rationalize that this is absolutely for SS, and has nothing to do with me. That these are MY problems and MY insecurities that absolutely cannot be taken out on either of my SKs. It doesn't even have to do with my SO because he has gotten rid of every single trace of her in the house and even on social media. 

It is what it is. Kids will always feel some kind of connection to their parents.

On another note, SD has taken photos of our animals, of her and I, of myself and SO, etc. to her mom's house and now somehow they have disappeared.... and SD slowly seems to resent us/me more and more these days... its upsetting... Don't be like BM, trust me. 

fakemommy's picture

We have pictures of skids and BM and DH. If you are this insecure in your relationship, you may want to rethink it.

I'm out's picture

This is a good point actually . I've been in 2 relationships with men with children and in the first relationship I was treated as an equal, he was not a Disney dad and I was a priority and now that I think about it his dd brought round some pictures of when she was a baby with her mum and dad ( so my so at the time and his ex) and I happily looked through and literally thought nothing of it.

The last relationship I was in I was not important, sd ruled, bm ruled and I was not a priority at all. I would have been furious if there were pictures of him and his ex around the house, even hidden in a closet.

So yes this is a very good point, maybe see if you can see any reasons why you would be feeling insecure about it,  is bm too much a part of your life already maybe?

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

tbh it being a family picture is different to me than it being say a super lovey dovey picture of DH and BM. Would I be super happy in your shoes? NOPE! But this is really on your DH, he kept the picture around, SD9 saw it, so she kept it. In a closet though. Which to me says she wants to know they love her, but she has enough sense not to rub it in people's faces. 

DH and I have talked about this, and the only things on display will be of DH, myself, and the girls. They may have a picture of Psycho if they ask, and if it stays in their rooms, and they'll have to get it from Psycho. (we don't have any, FIL burned them all. LMAO. We were living at my in-laws, I stacked them all up, upset that he even still had those hanging around, asked DH to do whatever he was going to do with them, but I really didn't want them just sitting out. FIL was around, DH stuffed them in a garbage sack to "deal with later" - probs would have just trashed them- But FIL, the gem that he is, walked in, walked them out to the yard, threw gasoline on them, watched them burn. Ah, he's great.)

Disneyfan's picture

"...and I could forget that my husband once loved someone else enough to marry her, before me."

WOW

It looks like the summer shenanigans have started early this year.

 

 

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, I wouldn't like seeing a picture like that. She may have had it in her closet because she knew it would upset you, who knows. And yes she probably does wish her parents would end up together. My SD is 11, BM and DH have been broken up (never married) since she was under 2, and she still has that fantasy. I think most kids do. Try not to worry about it - he's with you now but they are both her mom and dad. I definitely would not have any pictures like that out in the open in my house though, but if she wants to keep it in her closet I guess I would allow it.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I wouldn’t like to see a picture of my two parents together, they don’t like each other. I never had photos of the boys father and I lingering about when they were growing up, and they have never minded this. But they would have had their own photos of us ‘not together’. I can see why some people would want to keep photos, but for me personally, after a year or two. It’s gone, done and dusted and in my bin. 

Sigh's picture

Uses a picture of her her kids (adults) in front of my Christmas tree as her profile pic on facebook. At first it kind of pissed me off but then I laughed and laughed and laughed some more.

 

Sandybeaches's picture

Having it around where you have to come upon it is another.  In my case the BM is crazy and a huge trouble maker.  When we are having a break from her antics I don't want to stare a picture of her in the face! It doesn't matter if it is her all by herself, I am not really seeing why the picture can't be kept at her mother's house.  I didn't want pictures of BM in our house.  My stepdaughter had one when she was little and it was a good reminder to stay out of her room!!

I really think if this child doesn't live there she doesn't need to keep the picture there.  

I get along great with my ex-husband but we don't have pictures of him..

 

Rags's picture

My SKid has nothing commemorating the short time his mom and the Spermidiot were a couple.  Many years ago wife was about to pitch all of those pics in the garbage but I rescued them.  I told her that those experiences were part of what makes her the woman she is and that I love and I didn't think that she should destroy the momentos of that part of her life and our son's life.

Those pics resurface whenever we move.  They are put aside for SS to look at. He takes about 5 minutes to go through them and laughs his ass off at how rediculous "Gangster Dad" looked them.  When we talk about the pics he corelates his guffaws over the pics to how pathetic it is that "Gangster Dad" still looks rediculous and worse.. he is rediculous.

How badly that POS screwed up any chance of a relationship with my amazing son makes me sad.

They look a lot alike now that SS is an adult.  Appearance is where any resemblance ends.  The Spermidiot is a useless POS. My son is a man of character and standing in his profession and community. His memories begin with me and his mom and the three of us being the three musketeers.  There are many picures commemorating our family.  Those get laughs of joy and fond memory rather than ridicule and disgust.

If you and DH make actually memories with SD, she will in short order relegate that picture to a box that rarely gets looked at and will have zero lamentation over something she doesn't remember.

 

1wonder woman's picture

 I can see how the kid would want to keep the photo after all her parents are not together anymore so that picture becomes even more precious to her... You could tell her she can have the photo in her room as long as it is put away where you can't see it or if she has a home with her mother you could also just ask the kid to take the photo to her other home. If the kid has her own cell phone she could just take a photo of the photo and store it on her cell phone. My SO has a 12 year old and she has her own bedroom here and we have printed out photos of her and her siblings and photos of her and her pets that are in her other home that she has scattered throughout her room in frames but she has no photos her mom in her room. I know my SO would not allow his daughter to have a photo of him and his ex together in her room no way... heck he made his own mother take down a group family photo of him with his kids and his ex wife.  He told his mom she can have the photo hung up on her wall but if she knows we are coming over to visit he said to his mom out of respect for his feelings and out of respect for me his girlfriend he does not want to see photos of himself with his ex-wife in her home.  She respected his wishes... deep down I know his mom wishes they never were divorced. She too is grieving the loss of that family unit that she use to be a part of. 

My parents were divorced when I was 7 years old and trust me every kid that has two divorced parents will always want their parents back together no matter what... I know I did! 

Monkeysee's picture

I see both sides here.  I understand why your SD would want this picture around, even if her parents split up when she was a baby. Every kid wants to feel loved by their parents, and seeing a picture of them all together likely makes her feel good. 

At the same time, I can't say I'd want BM's face anywhere inside my house, so I can see why it makes you feel icky to have a picture of the three of them together in her room.  Keep in mind though, having pictures taken, even professional ones, doesn't mean they were happy.  Having a baby together doesn't even mean they were happy (clearly they weren't if they split up 6 months after she was born), so don't let it send you into a spiral of insecurity. 

I know a couple who is constantly posting 'happy family' pictures on FB, posting the mushiest, most cringe-worthy garbage about their OH.  Anyone from the outside would think they've got it made, and are so in love.  This couple has been on the brink of divorce more times than I can count.  They'll post nonstop pictures & tributes to each other when they go anywhere, then turn around and complain in private about the things that happened while they were away that p*ssed them off.  Pictures mean nothing. Seriously.