Example of How to do it
YSD has been acting up more - because #1 she's 13.5 and more moody and #2 PAS.
I have told DH I'm stepping back from some things (I only did this because we've discussed it, I do not discuss disengagement in detail, use the word 'disengagement' or give any reasoning beyond what he and I have talked about - I just do it).
Noticing lately YSD is leaving her towel on her bathroom countertop or on the floor instead of hanging it up. These are new towels. This is new behavior. I don't discuss it, she knows better. Yesterday, walking by her bathroom, see the wet towel on the floor right at the door. I pick up up, going to wash it and then it disappears. I will do this to all towels I find on the floor. Done it before with OSD, will do it again. Don't treat things right, then I guess no one needs them - and my NEW floors will not be damaged. No discussion, nothing.
I think you are on the right track.
Princess needs to learn there are consequences for her behavior. If towels are left on the floor, and she knows this is not acceptable, then the towels disappear. If she whines to daddy about it, he needs to tell her that things which are not put back in their place or are misused will not be available for her use.
Then hand her a roll of toilet paper and tell her she can dry off with that. (Message: If she's going to act like a little sh!t, then she'll be treated like one.)
Dont pick up the towels. Let
Dont pick up the towels. Let dad deal with it when he gets home.
If those towels get that funky smell...go buy new ones.
THIS is on your dh. He will either set her on the right path OR pay for new floors. Teaching kids life skills is part of being a parent.
BM and dh should have taught their daughter these simple things a very long time ago.
I believe it will work out ok. "SWEETIE, please tell your daughter to hang up the towels'....while you rub his shoulders.
See, the things is DH will
See, the things is DH will not pick up the towel. He will not ask SD to pick up the towel(s). He will ignore it.
So if falls on me - and therefore I get to decide how it's handled.
Been there, done that with OSD.
And nope, I don't replace them. If DH and SDs run out of towels, then he can go buy more. I keep my own towels in my closet for a reason.
* Life skills taught by DH? LOL.
So, pick up all of the kid's
So, pick up all of the kid's shit, dump it on daddy's side of the bed with a note... your kids are a disaster. Either they pick up their crap, you pick up their crap or you can sleep with their crap.
My forecast is that it will take once and he will either boot his kids butts to pick up their own shit or ..... he will call the marriage quits at which point you can call the locksmith to rekey the locks and the attorney to gain your freedom from this failed parent and his nasty spawn.
I would grab the nice new
I would grab the nice new towel because I would want to protect my property. I would go to goodwill or dollar store and buy used or cheap towels. can't take care of nice things.. you don't get nice things.
If she is leaving them on the floor... you tell your DH.. "I had to get SD's towel off the floor again, if they leave a mark, it is going to be on you to pay to have the flooring/carpet replaced"
Or you could do what you are trying to do now.. but expect SD to pillage everywhere to get a towel.. including taking them out of your bathroom.
SDs know to never set foot in
SDs know to never set foot in our room or master bath for anything. I set that rule in place as soon as we moved in and not very quietly demanded compliance.
DH tried to give OSD one of our master bath towels once when she 'didn't have any clean ones.' Because she refused to do laundry and left god-knows how many towels to rot on her bedroom floor...that didn't go well for him.
LOL that’s only necessary if
you have a skid that showers.
Its even easier if you stop making comments or reminding DH about the lack of showers and hygiene. No showers, no towels.
I only grab the towels that DS has used. Floor towels have never been a problem. No idea how old and used or unused the skid towels are (though the fact there is a towel means it happened at least once).
My SD would take showers and
My SD would take showers and somehow manage to leave standing water on the floor with the bath rugs soaked. She, my BS, and I primarily used the upstairs bathroom (we don't have a master bath), so when you would go in after her, you would have wet socks and more than once I slipped. It was a battle to get DH to address it because at the time he wasn't addressing any issues with her. When he finally did (because he finally saw how ridiculously excessive the water was when it was literally dripping through the floor to the laundry room below), she used the "I don't have to clean up after myself at BMs house" card, and filed this away for her list of future complaints. Poor oppressed SD, expected to take responsibility for herself and be considerate of others. I think you are doing the right thing, taking care of it your way without opening it up for conversation. It will probably turn into poor oppressed SD, mean dad and stepmom don't even provide towels to dry off with. Ugh. I am so tired of feeling like we aren't supposed to have any standards in our home if they don't agree with mommy's
Allrighty - so YSD is
Allrighty - so YSD is officially being blatantly disrespectful of DH.
Last night DH asked her to please help him with dinner, basically to put something in the mircowave for two minutes. He had all the sides done and set the table. I had been outside working on the house after work so was not helping in the kitchen. She just walked away. He called after her, she did not come back or answer. Eventually she wandered back (I think to see if dinner was all ready for her) and DH did that thing he does, "...could you maybe please help...pretty please...it would be nice if you could..." the passive voice kills me every time. Then she says, "I'm going to go take a shower."
At that point I go into the kitchen, tell DH, "I'm happy with eating cheese and crackers tonight as it's getting late. I suggest that dinner remain NOT done until she helps, period." DH actually agreed. So things sat. It's close to 8:00 at this point. SD eventually comes back and guess what, no dinner yet. I guess she actually put the thing into the microwave then, DH said she actually did it, but then left again! DH had to call her to the table, at which she was seething. I had the distinct impression that this had something to do with my being there - I cannot put my finger on it, but ever since the stupid event night (on blog posts) she's been really crappy to deal with.
She then refused to help DH unload the dishes or clean up after dinner (I did a little clean up too). He just let her go, again, so freaking passive.
I cannot care more than the parent and I cannot parent if the parent will not.
Daddy needs to blister some
Daddy needs to blister some disrespectful kid ass with a belt. She learns to do what she is told when she is told without lip or she can't sit due to a flaming ass.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
This ball-less wonder makes me want to puke.
SD has never done any work in
SD has never done any work in either house, I brought this up once when DH and I had finally moved in together. She is a slob and somehow gets away with refusing everything. I mean what do you do when a teenager straight up refuses to do anything? The most entitled little defiant bitch I have met, I would have gotten my ass beaten for pulling the shit she does. I am glad she hasn't been in our home for 5 weeks, so much easier not having to deal with this.
All of this sounds familiar.
SS15 and SD14 have been getting disrespectful to DW and me, and while I won't take it, DW doesn't want me confronting them. OK, cool. I have "loaded the mouth magazine" with some thoughts and am ready for their next display of disrespect, where I will open with:
"Around here, we don't play disrespectful games. That behavior will stop, RIGHT NOW."
If needed, I will progress...
"Don't consider my well-mannered restraint a sign of weakness - or of tolerance of your horrible manners."
Next up...
"I've noticed you both like to be disrespectful to your mom and me. If you say something disrespectful again, using only my words, I will reduce you to sweaty, anguished tears in a matter of minutes."
And then... if needed, I'll unload onto them.
UPDATE
I overheard DW and SS15 having a conversation and he complained about some familiar sounding things:
And a lot of that reminded me of how my SMom and I got along. Only thing is, I can see why he says what he says:
I'm moody. For no reason, we'll have a good day, then a bad day. - For no reason means he's not aware how his willful avoidance of chores makes my blood boil, and DW doesn't want me correcting him. So, yeah, I may seem pretty preturbed with him much of the time. For instance, when we get back home from somewhere, and there's a chore that he should be doing, he'll skate out of it by going to the toilet. So the rest of us pick up his prodigious slack and do it for him. As soon as he hears the coast is clear, he emerges from the Toilet Of Doom, sometimes even asking what chores need to be done and acting a little bummed that he didn't get to help out. DW says, "Aww, that's okay, honeyyyy..." I guess he takes that as permission to skate. He skates, she enables, and the cycle repeats.
I'll be nice to his sister, then not nice to him. - Ah, because his sister will pick up and vacuum the house without even being asked to. She can be a PITA, but at least she does help, and quite a bit! I can get a little aggravated with her at times, but I know her work ethic.
I treat him differently when DW's in the room than when she's not. - Uhh, no. I'll sometimes be talking to DW and he enters the room and starts talking as if I'm not even there. Rude. Then there are times I'm feeling good and he'll walk in after skating out of yet another chore, and BAM, I'm all too wise about his games and I haven't been allowed to say anything.
I'm no different than his dad's new wife; neither of us, she nor I, talks to him. - Umm, well, can you see the one common ingredient in both of those relationships, kid? But still, I know she is a bit immature at times, so I resolve to be conspicuously better.
When she defended me, he said "Stop covering for him!" - Heh, she covers for him all the time, too. Plenty of times I've caught her and didn't say anything - "Thing 1 took out the trash without even being asked!" - Umm, we have a Ring security camera, and I saw her putting out the trash LOL...
Also, for some reason, he's expecting a similar relationship with me as he has with his dad, or how his dad and HIS stepdad get along so well together. Actually, DW told him how Thing 1's dad and his stepdad DID NOT get along at first, that the SD was always hitting him till one day, Thing 1's dad hit back. I'd heard about it before, that this guy was bragging that he "kicked his SDad's axx." Well, now I see he was being abused - news to me. And I assure you, I've never laid an angry or disciplinarian hand on either of these two kids. Still, I could hear SS15's response, "He did? He hit him back? 'Cause I sometimes... really... Sometimes, I feel like..." Wow. Some days, I've thought that'd make my day, but...
So they went to the store, and I texted her that I heard the whole thing, and I think we all need to have a chat.
It seemed like someone was throwing up all sorts of obstacles to make it hard to have the chat, but we had it.
I started off, "Hey, so, I overheard your conversation with your mom."
"Oh. Yeah."
"And I just want you to know, the complaints I heard you make sounded a lot like complaints I had about my own SMom. Only thing is, literally, she'd be making a show of how she was ignoring me by reading a magazine, and then my dad would walk into the room and she'd put down the magazine and be all 'Hiiiiiiiiiiii1 Well, don't YOUUUUU look WONNNNNNDERFULLLLLLLL!' - which was obviously all contrived, just to SHOW me she didn't really want me around. I went to my dad and told him, and he said, 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' I felt alienated by my only biological family member in a house that was MY home, till it was essentially taken over by these three other people. But here's a difference... If you'll think back, remember on vacation, you were sitting in the car behind me, and EVERYTHING
I
SAID
you made the 'Tch' sound or said, 'I doubt it' or 'that makes no sense.' Remember that?"
"Uhh, uh... oh, yeah." with a sheepish smirk.
"OK, and if I was to do that every time YOU spoke..."
"I'd be mad."
"...wait, I wasn't mad. I just thought you were being disrespectful, which you and your sister have been doing a lot lately. Openly and willfully disrespectful. And your mom, here, doesn't want me to correct you, so I don't. And while she doesn't seem to mind it too much, I do. And one thing I know is we all get to set our own boundaries, so let me set this with you: I will not let you be disrespectful to me. And I will make a reciprocal commitment to not be disrespectful with you. Now, I'll ask you to set a boundary with me: When and if you are disrespectful, how would you like me to handle it?"
He looked at me like I was from Mars. "Huh?"
"That's right. How you want me to treat you, within reason, is how I will treat these situations. I know it'll come up, so how would you like me to treat you?"
"I guess, call me out."
I said, "OK, instead of 'calling out,' I'll point it out, tactfully. And if I'm not being tactful, I want you to know, you can tactfully point that out to me."
He looked astonished. I added, "And now, this is a relationship. We have now established an adult relationship."
In that conversation, we cut DW out as mediator, as I really felt like she's been unintentionally keeping him and I from establishing our own relationship, and I hope we'll do well.
All that said, I also pointed out to him that there are MANY KINDS of relationships, and his mom and I have one kind, he and his mom have another, and he and his dad, and he and his stepmom. We're all different people, and this is to be expected. Then I told him, "Your mom is THE MOST IMPORTANT person in my life." I turned to her and said, "Who's the most important person in yours?" She said that's hard to answer (which I know she struggles with because she told me her kids come first and always will, and it's unreasonable for me to expect to be number one in her life) and I put her on the spot. I said, "Well, I say it without hesitation. You are THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life. Does that mean I love you more than my own kids or my folks? Does that mean I can't love anyone else? No, because all of those relationships are different."
Then I explained to Thing 1 that while my own kids are important and I love them completely, they are not living under our roof, are working on spreading their wings, etc - so in all actuality, since he and his sister are living under our roof, they are a little more important to me. I have their backs and I expect them to have mine as well. And I went on to say his mom and I are a team, and one of my struggles is he hasn't shown a desire to JOIN OUR TEAM. He said, "Gosh, I never thought of it like that." So I said, "Please, JOIN OUR TEAM. You'll have responsibilities, but also rewards."
Overall, I think it went really well. We'll see if he keeps it going or reverts back to just laying around playing with his electronic toys... I think even DW thinks I handled it well, though I did put her on the spot with something she struggles with.
SS is the common denominator.
SS is the common denominator. Those who are the source of their own problems seemingly always blame it on someone else.
HE wants to have a relationship with StepDad but... HE doesn't.
HE is part of both the good and bad days. Dollars to donuts HE is the impetus for both but HE won't admit it or HE is just being a manipulative PITA.
StepDad is nice to the sister but not to him because HE (The common denominator) is illbehaved and his sisten isn't.
StepDad treats him differently when mom is in the room because HE (The common denominator) behaves differently when mom is in the room.
StepDad and StepMom (Dad's new wife) treat him the same and do not speak to him because HE (The common denominator) behaves crappily and who wants to speak with a little asshole?
Mom defended HIM (The common denominaor) it was because HE (The common denominator) was perpetrating his usual shit and StepDad has had enough of the his own wife enabling HIM (The common denominator) and is tired of HIM pulling HIS usual shit.
Yep, the common denominator is not all that hard to calculate in blended family sitautions. It is... the one who is at the heart of all of the issues.
Focus on the common denominator and finding the solution is not all that hard to accomplish.
^Heh, TRUTH, right there!^
Funny, DW and I are actually on the same page these days. She's conceding that SS15 makes his daily choices to play video games instead of other stuff all summer vacation. So, instead of working out or doing outdoorsy sports things in his "baseball off-season," he's atrophying. So, in less than 2 months, when he starts back with baseball in school, he's gonna be right down there in the bottom 50% of the team because he'll be outta shape. I told him last summer, "There IS no off-season. For the guys who go on to the MLB, they have NO off-season. They have OTHER seasons, but they always do SOMETHING." He has opted to believe that life will always give him a summer vacation. Man, is he in for a rude awakening, and guess what? DW is saying that that's probably what will happen. And she's OK with that, if that's what he actually wants. She's saying that she can gently tell and remind him, but his lack of will is his choice, and while disappointing, it'll be his future that he opts to limit by a lack of action today.
SS15 was supposed to pick up a Drivers' Ed form in school, but he kept dragging his feet. The day came and went, and he told her, "I'd rather wait till the school year starts again." I said, "What's up with kids these days, not wanting their licenses?" She said, "He wants one, but wants to wait." My notoriously closed off biokids said the same crap, and just kept delaying the inevitable growing up/rite of passage. I said, "I don't think he does. My kids said the same thing, and look at them. They just delayed till they were essentially backed into a corner and HAD TO. Besides, NOW, by WAITING, his driving will all need to be done after work or on weekends, and I assure you, that is TOUGH, since sunset comes earlier and he'll be in school or at baseball practice till sundown." He really shot himself in the foot on this one - or manipulated it like a fox to set it up so he won't have to drive.
Here's a little something I haven't said... He turns 16 in January, and if he needs a ride from me if his mom isn't available, ANYWHERE, I will tell him he's got to walk, since he had his choice to get his license. Rain? Grab an umbrella. Cold? Put on a thicker coat. Too much to carry? Get a wagon or a wheelbarrow. Too far? Ride your bike.