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Your lack of planning is not my problem

Cover1W's picture

Your lack of planning is not my problem. Repeat.

So the other day I tell DH I'm heading over to a friend's house to drop something off. I won't be long, but may stay for a quick chat (i.e. 20 - 30 min) but will be home in about and hour (to include drive time).  No issues.

We have ONE car.

At my friend's place I leave my purse/phone in the car since it'll be a quick drop by. It is. I'm on my way home in about 20+ minutes. As I'm about 1/2 mile from the house DH calls me in a panic "Where are you! Why didn't you have your phone! You need to get here now! I need to pick up YSD!"  WTF? 

I pull up to the house and he's heading to the car - yelling at me that he needs to pick up YSD as she's "stranded" at the transit location and why did I take the car and he tried contacting me as soon as I left because HE forgot he needed to pick her up....wait a second DH....

1. I did NOT know she was coming today - it's not on the calendar, you did NOT tell me this, it's a TUESDAY, not her regular schedule. HOW am I supposed to magically know she's coming. He continues to tell me he told me - NO you did NOT.

2. DH, your first contact to me was 30 mintues after I left, I was already at my friends house. Why did I need my phone? It was a quick trip and I DID NOT KNOW you needed the car!

3. She is not "stranded" - it's a completely amazingly safe transit stop with lots of personnel there. It's a gorgeous day. She knows the area. She's 15 dammit!  What about HER phone, does she know that you are late?  FFS.  BTW: at this point he's only 15 min late.

I ended up giving him the keys and not responding further. When he got home, I ignored everyone the rest of the night. He apologized but I just shrugged. Not taking it DH - totally unaccepatable behavior and if it happens again you go buy yourself car.

This is part of disengaging as far as I'm concerned - HE made the mistake and I don't compensate, I don't scheudle around what I am unaware of nor do I make it my emergency. It's up to him 100% to inform me of YSDs schedule, esp. if it's off her normal times. It's my car and i do what I want on my time. I do not apologize for something that was not my fault nor do I promise to make it better. I hold him accountable.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Man oh man the way he acted was like she was in the ER and needed to get there ASAP.

You are aware rule#1 of the doting daddio is NEVER I mean EVER make SD wait. 

Good you stood your ground. If he doesnt communicate to you thats on him.

He really should get his own car .

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Cover, I have a very bright flashlight I'd like to give your DH. He needs it with his head so far up his backside. Then he can shine it around, find his tonsils, and know which direction his mouth is so he can stop talking out of his arse. 

Evil Aniki would tell not-so-D H that he could have called a freaking Uber OR that he needs to use Uber or a taxi or buy a bicycle built for two. Wanker. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I bet he will be more likely to inform you of things that affect your household and your life in the future! Don't enable him to make custody/visitation decisions without you! 

advice.only2's picture

If only there were ways you could contact a vehicle to come pick you up and use that to get around...oh wait I think they have that, it's called Uber! Your DH needs to invest in some gift cards for himself.

Cover1W's picture

Unfortunately you all, we live in an area without regular mass transit and no Uber/rideshares - it's a rural area outside the city. 

Since school is out in only 2 weeks (YAY) and there's only one more week of 'regular' time I'm not gonig to push another car option at this point.  HOWEVER I have my limits.

1. One more situation like the above and he goes and gets a car. My car is not for his convenience.

2. If she's 16, and this is highly likely as she's got no interest in driver's ed - blanches from the idea even, and no DL and no car for her and DH is going to cater to any social needs (see, she has none and unless she magically changes overnight...) it will not be done with my car.

In any case, next year she'll be living mostly with BM as she cannot get from here to BMs/high school in time due to the travel options - not a way to make it work so she'll probably go to EOWE and holidays.

advice.only2's picture

Well that sucks, the lack of uber part, we live in a small town and have at least two ubers, three taxis and a small bus that drops off at different locations all over the town. Reality is our town is small enough you could walk wherever you want to go and get there, it will take some time but it can be done.

Cover1W's picture

There's only one bus that goes by our side of the area, three times in the morning (stops at 7:30 am) and three times in the evening.  It's for commuters only.  Sometimes it doesn't show up - BUT I'm going to start riding it more often once a week until I can get back to my bike commuting.  I'm just crossing fingers for the bus not to fill up on the way home....I think they are still limiting capacity which is going to be a HUGE issue now that many people are going back to work.  If I miss that bus, I'm stuck and DH wil have to come get me.  Same issue for YSD and getting that bus - it's simply not reliable enough really.

Yeah, one can get a ride with other people often enough if you know them....the one rideshare person here does reservations only like if you HAVE to get somewhere on a certain day and doesn't work for commuting.

SteppedOut's picture

If public transportation is not readily available... why doesn't he have a car? A second person using a car adds a lot. 

Cover1W's picture

We had a lot of discussions before getting rid of his car. One car has actually been working for us for over a year now. Until this last issue there's been no major problems - he just has to remember that if he NEEDS the car he must let me know and vice versa. Even when we were both leaving the house for work regularly it was ok.  And now since we are both mostly remote it's less of an issue.  Less cost, less upkeep.  BUT he has to keep his end of the bargain; make his car need clear and in advance and treat my car well - it's not a garbage dump.  He also pays for most of the gas and half of any maintenance.

caninelover's picture

But he needs to be realistic and from time to time there may be some crossed signals like this.  If he's not willing to be patient and tell SD to hang out for awhile then he needs his own wheels - even if its a scooter or something.