Hi everyone! Happy belated holidays! Can't believe VDay will be here before we all know it!

I'm curious what everybody's take is on what transpired over Christmas. 

DH and I have been together for nearly 11 years. Until SD22 was 17 and began living with us, DH bought gifts for her to give me (expected, and I did the same for my DD17, they were minors afterall). But when he left her to provide gifts on her own, I was no longer included. The superficial relationship I had with SD22 when she moved into our home then, became strained and quickly nonexistent. She made it very clear that I didn't mean anything to her, and I was not a part of her family. I foolishly tried to buy her love at Christmas in the past and always spoiled her, trying to make her feel welcome and wanted in our home. After she moved out, I spent way too much on her again at Christmas later that year, trying to find a way to reconcile and heal our relationship (her love language is gifts), as DH and I now had a BS together. The next year, I decided to do Hope Chests for my SD and DD for the next few years, to help prepare them for when they eventually moved out on their own (I will admit this was my passive aggressive way of telling SD to adult and stop mooching off of her grandparents that she was, and is, living with). The next year, no gift again for me or BS. He was just over 1, and didn't really know what was going on so it didn't bother me SD didn't get him anything. I also chose to work (I worked nights at the time) 12/23-12/25 to minimize my time with SD (I didn't want to ruin everyone's holiday because of my bad attitude, and I wanted DH to be forced to put his focus primarily on BS, NOT his adult SD). The next day DH went for a road trip and when he came back a few days later I asked him if he had seen any presents for me from SD, as I was cleaning up the decorations and didn't see any from her for me. DH lost it! He began talking about how selfish I was, how none of my presents said who they were from, and I was rude, and didn't like SD, etc. I tried explaining how it hurt to be intentionally left out by SD, as she couldn't even bring herself to write my name on the card she gave DH. He wasn't willing to back down, and was being irrational, and this was not a hill I wanted to die on. I apologized and ended the conversation. The next year, SD made a big scene about having presents for "everyone." She had us all sit around the table, and then passed them out to everyone in our family - except for me (again, not even my name was included on the card for DH). No one said anything about how rude that was. My DD wanted to, but I told her to wait to talk to her until she moves out when she starts college. The worst part was DH didn't say anything, and it was such a blatant disrespectful slap in my face, that hurt more than anything. After what transpired with last year's gift debacle, I didn't say anything negative about SD or being hurt by her behavior (Thank goodness for ST! Later that night was when I discovered this amazing site, and the world of disengaging.) The next day, DH waited until SD and I were in the living room (not talking to each other), and he sat down next to me. Then he mentioned how the gift card SD got him was going to be used by both of us on something of my choosing, as it really was meant for both of us. SD didn't say a word, but got up and pouted in a different room (I know she was trying to make me upset, causing DH and I to fight - her ultimate plan for us to be divorced).

Now that you have the background of Christmases past, here is what happened this last Christmas. After learning about disengaging, I began doing it. Whenever she visits, I don't talk to her unless she talks to me, and I stopped trying to buy the love she will never have for me (DH and I have always had separate finances, so that was easy to do on my end). I worked Christmas Eve, and took call that night and the next day (again wanting to minimize my time with SD). Everywhere we went, SD NEVER acknowledged or said 1 word to me or my dad (Christmas Eve service, my MIL's, then back to our home). I said a general hi to everyone, and they all responded each time - again except for SD. I told them all at my MIL's that I had to work in the morning, but would hopefully be home by noon. When we got home, DH asked if I wanted to have SD and DD open their Hope Chest presents (they both knew this was the final year of this) now since SD22 wouldn't be able to stay after 1200 (this was longer than she has ever stayed with us, as she usually left around 0600 to spend Christmas Day with her BM and their family) and I agreed. I grabbed some presents for BS4 to open, too, so he wouldn't feel left out. After the presents from me were opened, DH went outside for a break for a few minutes. SD22 then announced that she had presents for "everyone." She brought out 2 bags for my DD (SD adores my DD and has always given her thoughtful gifts), their tags read, "To: DD17 Love: SD22." Then SD sat down near where DH was sitting earlier, and she had 3 small gifts in front of her. BS4, being an innocent child, asked, "Hey SD22! Are any of those gifts for me?" SD replied, "No." I tried to prompt her, saying, "SD22, are you sure one of those aren't for BS4 AND your dad?" With a flat affect, non-emotive response, SD22 again simply said, "No." My poor little BS4 started bawling, and it broke my heart. BS's preschool for the past month had been focusing on kindness (what is it, how are others kind to me, how can I be kind to others, etc.). I used that lesson, and I told SD22 what I've been wanting to say for the past 5 years, "BS4, I am so sorry that SD22 was so unkind. It is bad manners, and not kind, to come into a home bringing gifts for everyone except for 1 person. It is not kind to exclude others like that. I'm so sorry BS4... SD22, don't you dare pull that stunt again in my home. You either bring gifts for everyone, or you bring gifts for no one. That was bad manners." DH came back inside right after I finished talking, and asked very concerned why BS4 was crying? Was he hurt, what's wrong? I said very calmly, but I'm sure coldly, "SD22 has a gift for everyone except BS4. He is hurt and sad because SD22 was inconsiderate." Then SD22 said, all smiles, "Here dad!" And gave him 2 presents ("To: DH Love: SD22"). DH saved the day, and said, "Hey BS4, SD22 was wrong! This one says it's for me AND you. Come help me open it." BS4"s tears finally stopped. The 2 gifts for DH were candy! Why wouldn't SD22 just lie and play along that at least 1 box was for BS4 and DH?! Then SD22 gave me 1 gift (all the tag said was "Duck"), having waited until DH was there to show how wonderful she was. Then we went to bed, and I went to work in the morning. Thankfully SD22 was gone when I got home, and I was able to genuinely enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Here's where I need all of your sage wisdom and insight. I think SD22 deliberately didn't give BS4 a gift to hurt me and BS4 (he is clearly the favorite of DH). My DD17 thinks I'm reading too much into it, and that this wasn't about me at all. That it was a simple mistake that unfortunately happened. I call bullshit on that though! DD17 said that SD22 told her that she didn't know BS4 would want a present, and was horrified that he would always remember this and would hate her forever. I think SD22 was lying because: she gave BS4 a present last year and saw he enjoyed it, she has younger cousins around BS's age (I know she's seen them open presents for bday, Christmas, etc.), and what 4 year old doesn't like presents?! Besides, if you're only going to buy presents for part of the family, you should only buy for the children. I think SD22 was just trying to save face so DD17 wouldn't have another reason not to like her (SD22 and DD17 do get along).

What do you all think?