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B22S22's picture

About a year ago I posted about this conundrum, but I have deleted a lot of my old blogs so I'll quickly recap:

My DD17 had a friend whom she was very close to from 2nd grade on. About a year ago, it came to light that friend had a major crush on my SS, and they started dating. My DD17 and SS (now 19) don't really get along and never have; however DD17 said it wasn't her business who friend dated, because as DD17 put it, "There should only be 2 people in a relationship anyways, not 3." However, we quickly realized that friend was always wanting to come over to "see" DD17, but really only wanted to hang out with SS. DD17 started feeling pretty used, and would suggest alternative arrangements like going to the mall, a movie, going to friend's house instead... this apparently only served to piss of friend.

As a mom, this broke my heart, because I saw my DD17 losing her best friend. And... the fact that all those years living in a difficult step family, DD17 had shared a lot of "secret" with friend, who then felt the need to tell SS (and BM!!!!!). Yeah, it wasn't pretty.

Rather quickly, friend told DD17 they couldn't be friends anymore unless DD17 was willing to love and respect SS (who doesn't give any of us the time of day). So, friendship ended.

Six months passed, and friend and DD17 didn't speak. Then out of the blue, friend called DD17 inviting her to friend's birthday party. DD17 thanked her but declined, resulting in a shitstorm of phone calls and text messages from friend berating DD17, calling *ME* a nasty bitch for putting DD17 up to this (I had no idea about DD17 being invited to the party), and it was all *MY* fault that friend wasn't able to spend time with SS on the weekends because he was here visiting his dad. Now, what I had said about that was friend was no longer going to spend the night here with DD17 if SS was here - not that she was never welcome here. DD17 was so upset about the whole text war that she showed me, then showed DH (text war included comments from friend about how she told SS and BM things my DD17 had shared in confidence with her since they were 8 years old - not just about stepfamily life, but lots of other personal things too).

I was really pissed. DH was so pissed he called SS and told him to tell friend to cease and desist with her nonsense. Then friend got BM involved, which just added fuel to the fire. Urgh....

We didn't see nor hear anything more about friend, except that SS was still dating her (and my other SS and his girlfriend couldn't stand to be around her).

Last week SS's stopped by, and guess who gets out of the car.... friend.. much to our surprise. She walks in and immediately asks me where DD17 is, she wanted to talk to her. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. Friend went thru the house looking for DD17 (who had no idea friend was here). When DD17 saw friend, DD17 went in her room and closed her door. Friend came back to the living room and cried on SS that she was angry that DD17 wouldn't speak to her.

It was uncomfortable. REALLY uncomfortable. DH and I talked about it, and we are at an impasse. How do we handle this? I don't want friend over here - she's become a drama queen, and obviously my DD17 doesn't want anything to do with her. I see this as my DD17's "safe place" - she shouldn't have to worry about friend hanging out here on the weekends with SS. DH disagrees, and says that he can't tell SS he can't bring friend over here, because what if they get married some day?

And I hate to say this, because I really am trying to be open-minded, but this particular SS has done nothing nice since the day I met him. He is the one who 9 years later refuses to acknowledge me, and after all this time will STILL compare anything I do, or anything in this house to BM just to try to get a reaction out of me. He was also the one who told DH he didn't want us (meaning me, DD17 and BS14) living with DH, and hated us. He intentionally will snub DH at every turn, yet expect DH to come running when SS needs something(I know, that's DH's problem, but it pisses me off). So quite honestly, I see this whole thing playing out as a jab at me and mine -- because he knows his dad won't tell him to not bring friend over, and he delights in making us all uncomfortable in our own home.

Am I being too dramatic? Am I wrong to NOT want friend here?

zerostepdrama's picture


B22S22's picture

"What if they're married someday"... I know, right? Although.... this is one of those unfortunate situations where I see at least a baby coming out of the relationship. Sadly...

And as far as DH telling SS to tell friend to back off, he was defending me and my daughter. All he said to SS was he didn't appreciate what friend was saying about his (DH's) wife and stepdaughter, and it was going to cause a lot of problems if this is the way she's going to be - therefore, it would be wise of SS to let friend to know she needs to stop the nonsense and just leave DD17 alone.

kathc's picture

You're not wrong but think of this:

If you say NO it will make SS want the girl more.

If you allow her over (but with limits) maybe he'll get sick of her because he can't use her to upset you. (Which, I am willing to bet is at least part of why he's still dating her)

B22S22's picture

That's exactly why I never said too much about it when the whole relationship started to bloom. Interestingly, I was the one who, after BM got into a few knock-down, drag-outs with friend, told DH to be careful. BM was insisting DH "put a stop to the relationship" (the one she promoted, friend was ALWAYS at SS's house, sometimes staying overnight{!!!!!!!}), I told DH if he did that, it would push them closer together. However, I still have my daughter to think about, as THIS is her home.

Problem is, friend is burning bridges left and right... apparently one time she and BM got into it, and friend's parents took a RO out on BM (funny as all hell to me, but sad too but friend's personality and BM's personality are too much alike -- alpha bitch who loves to yell and make trouble). I'm not sure if it's still in place, or if it was just one of those flash in the pan things. DH's parents ended up deleting her from facebook (they keep in touch with SS's that way, as they live 7 hrs away from here) because she friended them, then was always posting crap about SS's/arguing/shit stirring. When SS's grandparents were here for SS's graduation, they made it clear they did NOT want to be around her.

So obviously, she has either changed from the polite, kind pre-teen I knew when she was friends with DD17 as they grew up, or this is her true self. Not sure on that one.

My own opinion, SS has to learn to deal with it -- if he can't see she is effectively alienating everyone around him, that's his problem.

fuckitall's picture

Aw your poor daughter. Girlfriends since they were 8, and then betrayed like that? You can bet she's hurting, and if she sees this girl at school you can bet there are some awkward moments for her there too.
This girl has no class, searched for your daughter in your home? Right then and there I would've said "Hey, it's obvious she doesn't want to see you and we've told you that already. Didn't your parents teach you any manners. It's time for you to leave, you aren't welcome in my home until you can be a better friend."
What an ungrateful little hussy.

Willow2010's picture

Tell DH that you are amazed that he is OK with that person being in his house. That person called you a nasty bitch. Has cause extreme pain to your DD. And is crazy.

Best case scenario is that he tell SS that the girl is not allowed at your house. If SS wants to hang with him and the girl, they can do it elsewhere.

I do understand your DHs thought process on this, but I think he is just looking at it the wrong way. He is seeing it as his son not being able to bring GF over to his house. He is not looking at it from your angle.

OrangeUGlad's picture

I agree. Tell dh *firmly* that the girlfriend is not allowed in your home as long as dd is living there. Period. If they get married (eyeroll) then you'll deal with that when the time comes.

The best way to deal with drama lovers is to set boundaries. Don't get upset, don't let them see you frazzled, but don't let them intrude on you, either.

And if they show up, as has been said, tell them to go. Don't engage in an argument, just tell gf she is not welcome in your home and tell ss he can come back without her any time he wants.

Ss is an adult. Dd is still a child living in your home. She has rights you need to protect when it comes to that space. SS is now a guest in the home. He does not have the "right" to bring anyone into the house. And I wouldn't care if they were biokids or stepkids.

It might be different and other arrangements might need to be made if he were younger and living there. Certainly you want him to feel welcome, but that doesn't mean you (or your dd) has to be the welcome mat.

B22S22's picture

Thank you for putting into words some of the things I've been feeling.

I didn't want to sound like I was living my DD's life for her, but I feel betrayed just as my DD does. I can't even BEGIN to imagine what friend has told BM -- whether real or imagined. And honestly, I know I don't have to wonder too much what my DD may have confided in friend thru the years, even DH realizes there is no love lost between DD and SS. And now knowing all of that has been shared? Ugh.

It suits me just fine if I don't have to see friend darken this doorstep. I know it's hard for DH, because his son is the type (he's done it before) to cut DH off if he (SS) doesn't get his way. DH hasn't had an easy life of connecting with his kids, despite all of his efforts and I'm pretty sure he sees this as one more reason why SS wouldn't want anything to do with DH.

Not that I'm going to be trying to convince SS, but he's making a huge mistake. As I said in one of my previous posts, this girl has stirred stuff up with every single person surrounding SS, yet they remain together. *SHRUG*