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To remind or not to remind?

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture
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Hi everyone! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

I am still new to being disengaged from my SD22, and am curious as to what you all would recommend.

On Thanksgiving, DH and I were busy with a houseful of my DD17 and DS4, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and some extended family. It was a lovely, and exceptionally busy weekend! The best part was my SD22 was nowhere around. No one mentioned her, including my DH. Then on Sunday evening (all of my family left by late Saturday afternoon), my DH attempted to call SD22, but shocking - no answer. The rest of the night DH's energy was a little off, and he was sad. When I asked him what was wrong he stated how guilty he felt for not calling SD22 on Thanksgiving, or at any other point during the werkend. He tried to call her twice, each time she never picked up. I tried to console him a little by rationalizing how busy we were with all of my  family, and how chaotic it was with all of the cousins together. He persisted that he felt terrible for not calling SD22, so I countered that she is an adult and she could have called or texted us but that she didn't. He cpntinued moping the rest of the night.

My question for you all is should I remind DH in the future to call SD22 for holidays (ie when the day is almost over so that she cannot invite herself)? Or should I continue to be disengaged and let DH see SD22 and her actions (or lack thereof) for what they really are?  

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

Thank you both for your insight and your direction regarding Karpman's Drama Triangle. I had never heard of it before. So much to learn about...

ESMOD's picture

I wouldn't remind my DH unless I wanted to have a more active SKID presence in my home.  It is a 2 way street.. she could have called.. he could have called (and did).  You don't need to be the one to remind him.. it's his daughter.. it'snot like he forgets he has one.

Ozlady's picture

I really feel for both you and your partner, I have disengaged from the adult skids but also have a bioD who doesn’t want any contact with us. She has been like this for a number of years and whilst I don’t call or text I never fail to send a card or gift for significant events and holidays. Unlike others here, I remind my DH to get gifts for kids, encourage him to keep contact when his kids are being ridiculous (always!). I like to keep the moral high ground, we have done nothing wrong to any of our adult kids and if they choose to behave like brats so be it but they will never be able to say but you didn’t ....call...text....send a gift....care about me because we have always done the socially acceptable thing. 

This is possibly due to my daughters father never making the effort and the hurt I saw her go through at birthday or Christmas time but I also feel like it is the right thing to do. 

Disengaging, for me, doesn’t mean rudeness but self protection so if asking if my DH has sent a text and him spending 20 seconds to do so makes your lives happier, do it.

 

PS I hate the holiday period because of this stress and from now on we are going on holiday and avoiding everyone

MissTexas's picture

From SD's when they feel excluded, or if DH has put them in their place. They retaliate by giving the silent treatment, or going cold, or ghosting him, whatever you want to call it. It's SD's way of making DH "pay" or feel guilty.

You're on the right track.

I used to remind my DH of everyone's BD, Anniversaries etc. I no longer do that, nor do I shop for everyone any longer. Wasted time and energy I can never retrieve. I've adopted this quote from another poster:"Not my circus, not my monkeys" and have seen tshirts with that quote!

Keep up the good work! Your future self will thank you for it.

TrueNorth77's picture

Leave your DH to it. He’s a big boy, if he can’t remember to call her on holidays (although you said he did call, so...?) that’s on him. My dad didn’t call me on Thanksgiving and I’m not over here moping about it. 

Siemprematahari's picture

"Continue to be disengaged and let DH see SD22 and her actions (or lack thereof) for what they really are?" 

I would continue to be disengaged and not remind a grown man of making calls, texts, gifts, etc. He forgot so its on him. He wants to mope around that's on him too but don't put that burden on yourself. Also, his daughter could have called also, its a two way street.

Don't get involved in their relationship and let it be.

still learning's picture

From my looooong 6 years in stepland I've learned not to rescue or remind DH about anything concerning skids or gskids.  He would love for me to take over his relationship responsibilities but the minute I've dared step in the arena I became public enemy #1 and they've all bonded about how horrible I am.  So now I just sit back and let DH do it all, or not, either way it's on him. When he's cranky because he never sees skids or get invited to things I just listen, give him a hug and let him know I'm here for him.  

Rags's picture

I'm on the fence on this one.  My mind says nope. Do not remind DH.  On the other hand you are the one that has to live with the moping husband and are the one that cares about him.

I remind my bride to call her family.  She usually does not. So if we are driving somewhere that is when I just dial someone in my IL clan and tell her to talk to her mom, bros, sister, aunt, cousin, etc......  I am a connector.  That is what I do. So I connect her with her family when I perceive that it needs to happen.

Java_Junkie's picture

that is when I just dial someone in my IL clan and tell her to talk to her mom, bros, sister, aunt, cousin, etc......  I am a connector.  That is what I do. So I connect her with her family when I perceive that it needs to happen.

Sometimes, that's best. DW's mom passing was tough on her, and there was a time I reached out to her brother to have him call DW. They had a great conversation. 

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

Thank you all for your sage words of wisdom and advice. I will let DH be in control of his relationship with my SD22 and stay out of it, unless DH explicitly asks for a reminder from me. We just celebrated our DS's 4th birthday the other night and no call, text, card, etc (anything requiring effort and consideration on her end) from SD22. Disengagement is a beautiful, and liberating, experience.

Siemprematahari's picture

Disengagement is a beautiful, and liberating, experience.

^^^^^^^^^^^It really is and you'll feel so much better and have peace of mind because of it. Hope your son had a wonderful birthday.

Merry's picture

I might be old, but in my family once kids left home, they were responsible for calling the parents. It was a sign of respect. I can't think of a single time my Mom called me, unless she needed something specific. But I called her frequently and we had a good relationship.

I know things are different now with social media and cell phones, etc. My relationship with me own kids is much different and we all initiate calls. Still, these things go both ways and your SD is just as responsible for the relationship as your DH. 

My DH also mopes. Know what I do? Find something I want to do. Get a mani. Take a walk. Make cookies. Clean out my closet. I do NOT join him in his moping. I might acknowledge it, but I refuse to go down that rabbit hole with him. "Honey, I can see that you're sad. I'm here if you want to talk about it, but if you don't I'll leave you to it. I'm going to go run a few errands." I have learned to take care of myself. His moods are not my responsibility.

Rags's picture

"It was a sign of respect."  Yep. I completely agree.

I am the one who calls.  Particularly my parents. I also used to regularly call my GPs.  I do the same with several very close friends and though less so, with my brother.

The funny thing is that occassionally I hit a wall, particularly with friends, and I stop calling.  Often for quite a long time.  Eventually my phone will ring.  The first thing I hear is usually an appology for not being the one to call followed by "What's wrong?". lol.

As for my brother.... my heart was crushed for so long by his disengagement that I just quit.  Now he is the one to call me.  I love speaking with him. For decades we were exceptionally close. Until he married. His wife can be very manipulative and is the most self absorbed person I know.  He allowed her to separate him from his family.  I called him on it.  He took exception and quit taking my calls.  For years I tried. Then I just gave up. When I stopped, eventually he gained clarity and he started.  Even though he is now the one to make an effort, I just don't.  Being aloof drives his efforts so... I stay aloof. It really isn't a conscious decision on my part.  I suppose subconsciously it is self preservation. It hurt so much for so long that I just don't think about calling him.

But I do smile when his name pops up on my call waiting.

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

That is exactly what I want to do, and will do in the future. Acknowledge, be available to listen if desired, and then move onto something i want to do. 

Thank you!

sammigirl's picture

No, your DH needs to deal with it.  He'll get glad again.  

I have a small dayplanner, open and available in plain sight.  I post absolutely everything in it for the entire year.  DH reads it every morning; he still never remembers, or should I say act on the occasion.   

Not my deal.

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

That is a great idea to leave a planner easily available for DH! I doubt he would use it though...

sammigirl's picture

Then you no longer have to be feeling guilty, his problem.  

This is where you remind him that it's his own deal, after you prepare the dayplanner.   

I Don't even mention the planner now, I've had it set up for years.

One more chore off your list.

sammigirl's picture

I just set up the 2019 day planner.  They are less then $5.  Then you are free of It!

Stepaside-1987's picture

Just recently, for the first time I let the SGkids birthdays slip by without reminders. I figure they post on FB anyway so he will see it then.  I don't follow them - I just know the dates.  I am getting better at my disengagment and feeling comfortable about it.  I didn't send any texts or acknoweledge the birthdays.  In fact I just recently said to my DH I am in the position where if I try then I am pushing too hard for a relationship, if I don't try then I don't care (advice from someone on ST I can't remember who) and he acknowledged what I said was true and he understood.  Xmas cards will be signed with just "Merry Christmas" nothing more from me.  I don't even get a thank you for birthdays or holidays so I quit.  I actually have started walking out of the room when they call - which has been rarely.  I have also noticed that he is starting to see they only contact him when they want something - he has accepted that and I don't say a word.  I focus on us and our marriage.  Like others have said "not my monkeys -  not my circus".  We just recently received pictures in the mail of two of the SGkids - in the past I would have sent a text or messaged on FB saying Thank you.  This year - I haven't said Sh*T and I won't.  They will receive the same treatment they have given me.  This past Thanksgiving was the first one I did not ask him if he called the SKids.

I believe I went off on a tangent here so my answer is NO do not remind.

Mountains's picture

... it is too easy to get sucked back in when you begin engaging with reminders.  Adults can and should manage dates, especially their own dear children’s birthdays and the holidays.  Sorry your DH gets down but that’s what the SD wants most likely.  It is a rough situation but hopefully he will see the manipulation at some point and decide to ignore it.  Happy Holidays and all the best.

WaterOffaDucksBack's picture

I think you're absolutely correct! SD22 is one of the most manipulative people I've ever met. Especially after Christmas, I have no doubt that making her dad feel bad about not contacting her on holidays is her ultimate goal. I don't know if DH will ever wake up to it though...

sammigirl's picture

It bothers you to see it happen, just do not make it your problem.  

Happy New Years!