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Is is wrong to ask to not email during family trips?

Biostep7777's picture
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HCBM is awful. She's literally an awful hateful cruel human being. We had went on a family weekend trip and she started texting/emailing him the second we left. He kindly asked her to please respect his time with his family and stop emailing/texting while on a family trip. (If he doesn't answer she tells the attorney's he's not communicating) unless of course it's an emergency. She told him she can do what she wants and sent three more emails that day alone  (that he did not look at or respond to) now she's saying he won't respond and her attorney said it's not appropriate for him to ever ask her not to contact him. What do you think? She will not leave him the heck alone!

Step575's picture

"Lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on yours"

 

... there's a difference between 'urgent' and 'emergency'. If its an emergency- that's one thing. If its urgent- that's another.

Step575's picture

Thinking about this further... is there a response time he NEEDS to get back to her by? Is there a ticking clock that he MUST respond by a specific time? No? She can go pound sand. He can get back to her at HIS earliest convenience. Anyway, tell her that no response is a response and just sit back wait :) 

Biostep7777's picture

Working on this!! They are negotiating. I'm just wondering if it really doesn't look good that he asked her not to contact him outside of an emergency while on a family trip. 

Step575's picture

It sounds like she's desperate for control. Now that she's no longer with him (IDK this history) she can't control him in the same way. This is an effort at trying to insert herself to control him. 

There's nothing wrong with trying to establish boundaries. An emergency is one thing- but what is so urgent that he needs to get back to her right away? I would come up with an agreement around communication. Be very specific and hold her to it.

Step575's picture

Like, text me ONLY if its an emergency. Email me for all other things non emergency and I will get back to you when i can.

AgedOut's picture

responses.

1. all messages will be read and replied to if an emergency or immediate concern.

2. any non-emergency messages may not be replied to as other activities may take precidence. 

Biostep7777's picture

That's the issue. She wants to just take up all of his time on s trip reading messages. If he doesn't read and it's an emergency than he will look bad so he asked her to stop emailing while on our trip. She just kept going! 

ESMOD's picture

I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit.  

How long exactly does it take him to read an email and determine whether it is an urgent emergency issue.. or something he can wait until monday to respond?

A quick, "I will get back to you Monday" response... that's it.... if he has the kids.. it's unlikely there could be an emergency to do with them right?

He can't ask her to "not email".. but if her communication becomes intrusive.. he could get it ordered that they have to use family communicator application instead... not sure that would stop her trying to contact on "his time".

and again.. he can ask but she is under no obligation to comply really.. she can send as many emails as she likes.. he can ignore reading emails on his weekend.. or just quickly skim and respond to an urgent issue... but I would hazard a guess that nothing is truly urgent right? no harm would come from him waiting until monday to respond.

 

Biostep7777's picture

She sends paragraphs!!! Honestly. It takes a lot of time. Her last email was 16 paragraphs. 

ESMOD's picture

What does he think would constitute an emergency? surely if there is an emergency on a weekend.. it would be apparent from the beginning of her thesis paper of an email.

I would worry less about her attempting to make him "look bad".. when it could be clearly  shown to any sane person that "hey.. she wrote 17 pages of email to me over a weekend when I was out of town.. and every issue was some routine issue that could have been dealt with at any time.. there was no urgency or emergency to any of it... so I didn't respond immediately? I'm not obligated to be available to her 24/7"

tog redux's picture

Not to mention it's extremely stressful to repeatedly get emails from someone who is harassing you and threatening you, even if it is cloaked as "co-parenting".

justmakingthebest's picture

If it was an emergency she would have called. 

Emergencies consist of : Car accident, hospitalization, natural disaster, death. 

If it is not one of those things, he can respond when he gets around to it. If there is something that she needs to know about the kids while in his care, he will be sure to get a message to her. That is the end of the argument and anything else is harassment and should be treated as such. 

Ursula's picture

Idk, my husband basically never responds to BM because it's basically always some BS.  He only responds when it comes to things like pick up/drop off.  And obviously he would respond if there were some kind of emergency.  

Your BM sounds like she just wants to control everything and ruin your trip.  What did these messages say?  I can't imagine in the course of a weekend there could be that many emergencies that would constitute constant contact from BM.  

tog redux's picture

Ignore the whore.

You can't control what she does, but he can control what HE does. Have the emails redirect to another folder and IGNORE. If it's a real emergency, she will find a way to get in touch with him.

Nothing a HCBM hates more than the thought that her kids might be having fun with the other parent. Don't let her ruin it.

CastleJJ's picture

DH used to get up to 4 emails per day but they were all one sentence emails. DH used to get irritated and asked her to please send one email with all updates rather than four separate emails with one liners. DH also asked that she only send important information because she was sending photos of a flower SS found and other nonsense.. She used this against him in court saying he told her to "stop communicating with him" due to this email. 

I don't think you would have an issue though given that you are on vacation, she knows that and is sending nonsense. I believe that a judge could see through that. 

To be safe, I would tell her very simply: As you know, the children and I are on vacation from this date to this date. I will have limited email access during our trip. If there is an emergency, I will respond within 24 hours. If it is not an emergency, I will not be responding until we return home from our trip. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes, agree with the above. An emergency is totally different from "I want to ruin your time my inserting myself every few hours." In our CO, it's specific to one phone call per day. I wouldn't even tell "no" to HCBM. Just call back/email whenever you get back in town. If she gets pissy, DH needs to let her know he notified her of out-of-town plans and that should have served as purpose. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So, she's sending these emails while the kids are with you guys? In that case, there's no possible emergency she could have to tell you about that directly impacts the kids' safety. What kinds of things could she be sending daily paragraphs about? If she wants to involve her lawyer, save the emails, tell the judge the situation, and it makes her look batsh!t crazy. Let her keep digging her own grave. 

advice.only2's picture

I think the BM is doing a number on you and it's time for you to step back. Your DH needs to learn to set the boundaries and for too long he allowed her free reign. Of course she's going to go crazy and up the crazy the more he pushes back. He is going to have to figure out how to deal with her and not allow her to invade on every aspect of your lives. Also the knee jerk reaction anytime she says "My lawyer said" take it with a grain of salt, that's mostly a scare tactic to get him to do what she wants. If her lawyer really did say, then have her lawyer put it in writing to his lawyer.

Rags's picture

DH needs to cut off all contact with BM except for through an attorney and court monitored conduit.

I would immediately instruct your attorney to send BM a cease and immediately letter ending all contact except through Our Family Wizard or some other monitored application.

You and DH have to smack BM on the nose with court action, cram her toxic manipulative and interfering ass in a box and keep her there.  I check my email regularly, except when I am on vacation.  Then I do not check that or texts, or even missed calls until I return from vacation. 

BM is not special. When you and your family are on vacation or even just a weekend trip, do not answer her communication. PERIOD!

As for BM's attorney's opinion regarding it being inappropriate for DH to tell his XW not to contact hims, F that idiot.  You need to find a killer shark attorney that will shred that idiot and spit them out.  

Quit giving BM and her idiot attorney any respect or any credibility. They are both manipulative POS people who need to be shredded.

So shred.

ESMOD's picture

My thought is also that just because she may have left something to the 'last minute".. does not make it an emergency... 

"EX... Today is the last day to sign up for Soccer.. I need you to agree to pay half your fees and commit to taking SK to practice on your custody time which happens Tues and games on Sat".

Honestly... if this is the first thing dad is hearing about said soccer league.. and he is being asked at the last minute to consider an activity that will restrict his custody time.. and cost him money?  She doesn't get to make it a last minute thing.. unless she has asked him previously (by more than a day or two).. he is within his rights to ignore this and the kid misses this soccer opportunity because BM didn't do what she needed to in time to make it happen.  

A more reasonable emergent issue would be if dad has Custody for the week and she gets a call from the child's DR that they have to change their appointment and it will now be this Tuesday at 9:30 am vs the next week during her time... and BM wants to confirm he can make that appt.. or does she need to try to get a reschedule for this appt.. that is hard to get with a specialist for example.

But peppering him with last minute requests.. or requests for reimbursements for things she has had on her desk for a while... nope.. no reason for dad to take that moment to deal with her issues.. 

If he has X days to reimburse her for costs.. and it is not at the end of that time for a known reimbursement need.. no reason for her to expect immediate action right?

 

Jcksjj's picture

Its not up to her attorney to decide what's appropriate. Who cares what he/she says. Attorneys say all kinds of dumb things to try to intimidate the other party. Tell BM if she doesn't knock it off he'll only be communicating with her through our family wizard and block her on other forms of communication.

Agree with others above that this is a form of harassment and maintaining control.