Unblending...
Anyone who's folowed this far, thank you. So last week we officially got to the "unblend" point in our family. So for us, this means I continue to parent my bios including ours baby day to day as a parent would, and on his court time with his bios with toxic ex wife he will share the time with them in their grandmums where they have an extra room (aside from their primary home). We will still make plans and spend time together as a family, but this will be as necessary and not forced when tensions are high which is mostly always due to HCEX.
He had his first contact this way recently.... few hiccups handover wise on his part but very relaxing and no dread and sickness for me and my kids. Then he returned home the evening after drop of quite upset. He found some homework in almost 5 year olds bag that he did with his mum (ex wife). Nothing unusal. However... the homewok was a family tree, in which they were asked to discuss their families with parents and add boxes for bigger families if they need.... So what did BM do with their 4 year old you ask? Well she put together a very eclectic family tree, with her and daughter at top on one side, followed by her boyfriend, some cosuins, her parents, her brother and neices and other people and then in the very bottom scribbled "dad". 4 year old cant write obviously or read for that matter. No mention of step family hes only ever known (just turning one as we met) or me of course... but even more bizzare no mention even of his baby brother, ours baby, whom he is very very close to.
Now, I suppose im way ahead of my healing game in that I understand their children are being heavily alienated by her, but he is stuck in his old wounds and reacting by clinging on, thus the issues in our new blended situation. She will continue to do this and thankfully I wasnt part of the conversations because of this set up and my bio daughter also didnt have to hear the rejection and critism she so often receives. So thats a positive.
My question is - how do I continue to support other half as a partner in growing through this and learning to accept what she is doing he may never have any control over. They're in a power battle still and I have ducked out on my part respectfully. But I know he adores their children and if not careful it will mentally break him.
Thank you for any suggestions and advice
Do not shield him from it.
Do not shield him from it. Don't run interference for him. Do not make it easy to run from for him. This is his situation and baggage to manage. If he had managed from the beginning you wouldn't be here. It doesn't matter who the woman is, Ex would still act this way so don't take it personally.
I watched my DH thru his accepting of his bad life choice choosing ex to have skids with. It was done in our case with therapy, three very wise male therapist thru the years that helped my DH see the truth of the matter. Gave coping tools and support.
You can validated his feelings and struggles but you are utterly incompetent to solve his problems. If you are confused on that , the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is highly recommended by me. It was immensely helpful for me in my struggles in steplife. It clarified who is responsible for life stuff.
Thank you. I think time will
Thank you. I think time will play out and show him the biggest issue soon enough but I do find it difficult having him feel so vulnerable I suppose. He is very exposed to her and her persistence and he completely struggles with his own boundaries. I will just be here as soundboard I suppose. We did try to briefly discuss some things my daughter had said yesterday re his daughter of the same age (who is usually used to send her mothers venom) and he just didnt want to hear in any way his kids could be bringing in a problem. He wanted to make it a general discussion about our childrens behaviour to one another. But I just kick myself for even thinking he could hear it. Time is probably the answer on this now.
I'll check out the book too
I'll check out the book too thanks
Partners are to partner... together.
This is not a partnership.
I would not tolerate it and would not stay in the situation if my partner was too much of a coward to keep their failed family shit children and X in line.
Nope, not happening in my world.
I do not understand why anyone would tolerate this from the person who is supposed to be their equity life partner. That partnership is for making a life together. A whole life. Not just bits and pieces of a life.
IMHO of course.
No I completely understand
No I completely understand that. I think it is bizzare to some I guess and that's fine. For me, I dont want to be the person who is the reason he "lost" his 3 children. So for that to be possible I'd have to step back abit and let that flow without me in for the ride. But as a partner I am still open as though day one, for advice and opinion etc. My advice will always be, shut her down and cut it off and its too painful for him to consider not seeing his children because of it. They are still quite young so he is hopefully it can change. I think he will see very quickly now away from me that they are an extension into our world even though they were his world first. Its very complex. I think made harder by fact that one is a teen and one is just starting school and the girls are the same age as my girls. He draws the wrong comparisions.
He has been to meet with the techer today to express concerns for their son and point out the family tree on his side and can update her direct himself now. I agree its all b*llshit but in reality what can he do "literally" if it is her being persistent. Do you suggest he cuts off his children and continue to live a life as though they dont exist but with mine there? I dont know how else to go about it.
He needs to keep his X in control to a CO.
No CO? He needs to get one. That way he has COd visitation that he can have ostensibly without interferance from his X.
Just being his X's beck and call boy does not let him have a quaity relationship with his children. Better to have limited but dedicated time than time that his X controls.
IMHO of course.
"My question is - how do I
"My question is - how do I continue to support other half as a partner in growing through this and learning to accept what she is doing he may never have any control over. They're in a power battle still and I have ducked out on my part respectfully. But I know he adores their children and if not careful it will mentally break him."
Um, no. It won't work for you in the long term. Well, in my humble opinion. Been there, done that. For decades. It got very tiring trying to show my DH that I'm there for him. I got physical symptoms from giving my blind support with nothing in return which only enabled my DH to continue being cowardly to his ex and my SKs. I finally figured out that I do not have enable a dynamic that hurt me under the guise of unwavering support. Your DH needs to not totally abdicate his role as dad. He's 50% of the parenting equation. It's on him if he relinquishes his role, influence and authority as a dad. It's on him if he allows his fear of losing his kids to be greater than his love for them. I do not support such a thing any longer.
I feel like I should add he
I feel like I should add he is incredibly generous, fun, caring, funny. Pitches in and keeps our household floating. Would not hesistate a second if I needed anything financially, constantly planning fun days and date nights etc probably too many given how busy we are day to day so he is not idle through life. My family adore him and we are generally happy with each other. The issue is the tug of war on dad guilt and naivety on how damaging the toxic behaviour is from ex wife. He supports me also where I need it in terms of my own children but he is quicker to turn an eye where it's his toxic ex wife's rubbish. Like he just wishes it would go away because he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. He is losing the power battle with her for fear the kids will reject him outright absolutely. He does not engage his own dads new wife and step sister as an adult and still hasn't healed from the wound that he feels his "dad" chose them. I see it from step mums perspective
What about you? What about his relationship with you?
He puts you behind them. If he is not all in, you need to be all out.
I would not be in a marriage/relationship where my supposed equity life partner was not truly my equity life partner.
It is possible for adults in a blended family relationship to keep each other and their relationship as the sole top priority. Kids should never be. Kids are the top adult responsibility but not the priority.
Except in the apparently rare case of an X who is a decent person and who behaves decently, X's are the shit that was scraped off of the shoe. They have no place in our lives and our partners need to make absolutely sure they never do. At least if they are our true partners. The cry of a failed adult/parent is "But he/she is the mother/father of my child(ren)." That fact is irrelevant if he/she is toxic.
Again, IMHO of course.
I feel like his kids are very
I feel like his kids are very young.. like well under age 10... I don't think your solution is workable long term.. and it's actually likely to cause more problems than it fixes.. and you can't expect his kids to have a connection to yours when they have been kicked out of the home.. (which I really have a hard time going along with when you have very young kids unless it's a horrible danger to them being there.. and I don't count some name calling or broken bits a horrible danger.. that is poor parenting and oversight territory).
It also sets up even more ammo for them to see you as an alienator and to cause resentment between your kids... because their dad is with yours full time (even ones not his).. and he only gets sparing time with his kids.. outside his home.
I don't see things improving by basically letting him off the parenting hook.. (you know his parents probably do a lot when they are there)
They are young and spread out
They are young and spread out. So almost 5, 9 and 13. His mum is very involved (always was) and is with our son too while we work but he is very hand on, more so than her but of course she helps out in terms of pick ups and such (he volunteered to do all drop offs and pick ups as their mum refused to travel where he moved out 10 miles away). The original plan was a home big enough but with 6 kids that proved very very difficult, but that is where we are at at present in terms of goals. the children between us are presently in 5 different places childcare/school.
it has pros and cons of course, for me it's a healthy space for everyone to continue their relationships in a way that's not negative to everyone, albeit it is very hard to balance. For instance, this weekend was my daughters birthday so his daughter was invited to and enjoyed the sleepover as her sister, then Saturday we had a family day out together, Sunday the youngest have their hobby together and then we stayed separate as he had an extra night with his children but it meant we could all de stimulate. I've explained to him he needs to parent in terms of stopping the nasty comments being repeated In The home. Also I have to disagree in terms of name calling being ok, in the past this was "my mum said my dad doesn't like brown skin people and he's picked one" infront of and to my brown children. Racism is not something that I can turn a blind eye to as I'd be doing a disservice to myself and my children as their protector. That includes psychological and emotional safety. It may be that they grow to agree with their mum or they realise the persistence and become angry at her in later life, that bit no one can predict. But if protecting myself emotionally makes me an alienator then I'll have that title. At present this woman is planning on going to the next wedding of my Indian ex husband where my children will be present despite all this. It's a solution to a complex dynamic for the time being