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Knowing when to call it quits?

Mumofsix22's picture

I love my DH immensely, he also loves me, the attraction our time together is still nice. BUT. then in direct contrast to that when all the kids are together it's becoming hell. A constant grind. He has 3 to his ex wife Ihave 2 to ex husband and we have our son who is 2 years old. It's HARD. BUt to make it harder his ex wife is HORRIFIC and toxic in every manner. Shes persistently alienating his children with her and also our son from his siblings and then from their step siblings. But it doesnt stop at the adults, she befirended my ex husband and they formed a team to basically always know what were doing, where we go, who were with etc so I always feel under surveilance. She sends nasty pessages through her own children. This week his nearly 5 year old said to my 9 year old "my mum said youre a stupid, fat cow". My daughter sobbed and sobbed. Shes pulling her own hair out through severe anxiety and struggling to cope going back and forth to her dads home knowing he allows this woman into the home. 

I asked my DH for space to deal with changes and constant barrage of attacks from his wife via the kids. If this means the kids staying separate and spending time together then that. But he refuses to accept this is a solution and this is where we lock. So he says he's either going for good so I have another broken home or I deal with whatever comes from his ex wife and I cant have our weekends separated as my home is his home too. 

I dont know what to do for the best. Im really torn on not letting her be the reason we call it a day but also, how much trauma is this worth it it's hurting absolutely everyone involved including my own baby son whos starting to be labelled as "the baby who daddy loves the most" (in actual fact I beg to differ he feels like the booby prize). 



ESMOD's picture

Six kids has to be a very chaotic life... just in itself.. that is a LOT of moving parts. personalities.. messes.. etc.  

But.. I don't get why he doesn't manage his kids?  Why are they allowed to say mean things to you?  To the point that it upsets your other child.. 

I mean.. I remember crying as a kid.. kids cry when they are young.. they get their feelings hurt etc... that's not totally abnormal.. but if she is traumatized to the point of self harm.. I hope you are getting her help because that level of being upset is not normal.

Mumofsix22's picture

He panicked straight away and just highlihgts " hes only 4 hes repeating his mum please dont blame him" and i dont... but my child is still hurt because of it? So what are we doing about that? Then he phoned the mum and she denies it and it goes around in circles. He just spoke with her again about scaring the kids with adult conversation about changes etc but still they just came repeating things that just arent true. Its exhausting truly. 

Winterglow's picture

So what is he doing to teach his kids NOT to speak to your and your children like that? He should be teaching them that nice people don't say things like that. Also, calling his ex is a total waste of time so he might as well stop that. He needs to deal with the effects, not the root cause (which is bulletproof). However, he is a parent and it's part of his duties to raise his kids to be decent human beings not a bunch of uneducated yobs who spout whatever pops into their heads because they've never learned to think things through before openining their mouths.


ESMOD's picture

His child is 4.. he is old enough to learn to not repeat mean things.  His dad should be teaching him  to not parrot every mean thing someone else says.  As far as your daughter.. it's a "sticks and stones lesson".. she can understand that people can say mean things.. that aren't true.. and that she needs to not take it as any kind of truth.. and that some people are mean bullies.. but she has to rise above.

Maybe your SO needs to have his lawyer draft a letter to his EX to threaten charges of alienation?

ndc's picture

I would choose the well being of my children over the marriage in this case.  No child should have to live in that toxic environment, and it doesn't appear that you or your husband have the ability to make the ex and skids stop. Get your kids out of that household. 

ESMOD's picture

he can't control the ex as easily.. he can teach his child to not be an echoing little puppet.. the kid gets consequences for spouting off.. he will learn that is not acceptable.. and that he can't treat OP like that.. he must respect her as head of household.

I wonder if OP is having to discipline her SO's kids.. and THAT is why he is rebelling.. against her discipline.. when his dad should be parenting.? dad sitting over idly.. letting his kid say crap.. then throwing up his hands.. he is just 4.. when he put OP in a bad place having to care for his kid.. when he won't insist his kid is respectful?

Mumofsix22's picture

He is very very hands on. I never changed a single nappy as his youngest was a baby when we met. He did everything for them all. But he will sit back and let them misbehave and Ive had to tell him it's his job to do not mine. His trigger point is a lot higher than mine.

Winterglow's picture

This isn't an isolated incident, this has been going on since OP got together with her husband. This particular skid is only 4 but there are two others who have been insulting and destructive. They are also very racist. There's only so much a 9yo can ignore. She can't be expected to keep on turning the other cheek. This child is being bullied in her own home.

I don't know what it's like in the US but here in France there have been children commit suicide due to intensive bullying. Children.

OP's huband needs to wake up and actually parent!

ESMOD's picture

I'm absolutely in agreement that her husband should be insisting that his children are respectful.  THAT is something she should be holding his feet to the fire over. 

I absolutely know that my DH's kids heard things from their mom that were probably not nice about me or their father.. but they NEVER repeated a word of it to us.. they knew better.


Harry's picture

He should be parenting his kids.  When kids called your DD a F cow. What happened to that kid.  Was this kid punished,  really punished.  was this kid talked to about hurting peoples feelings.  Was this kid made to do a kind thing every day.  Or did he yell at the ex?  He not parenting his kids.

Mumofsix22's picture

It's only now Im seeing he never got punished in any way at all. I dont even think he spoke about it to him. I went to my daughters room and replied on her behalf that his mum is very silly calling little girls names. So yea here lies the problem. I wont have it any longer. 

Rags's picture

her toxic spawn. If your DH is so ball-less that he does not address it brutally, immediately, and constantly then.... good riddance if he leaves.

As for it being his home.  It is your home too so turn his idiocy around and bombard him with it pointing out that HE is allowing his baggage to disrupt your home, your life, and the lives of your children. Including the one you share with him.

Get an emergency custody and CS order in place and keep his nose scrubbed in the failed family stench that he is perpetrating against you and your children.

Mumofsix22's picture

So this is basically where I'mat now. He exhausted all reasoning in September and then joped I would forget by October. I havnt. I came down harder as he was well aware it was coming. I gave him a choice. We call it a day on our family set up and go about our lives separately or he takes his children on his time and stays in another home with them. Now, this means my BD and OURs son have a consistent home thats theirs and they can feel safe and secure in day to day. His children have their stable home because he gave the last family home to them for that reason. And he has the benefit of his mum (their grandmother) using her free space (2 extra bedrooms) to support him in dealing with their foul attitudes.


We did this after our son was born because the ex was so so volitile it was causing more stress than worth on top of normal day to day life with 6 kids in tow. It was heartbreaking for me as a new mum but in hindisght thats the cost I likely have to pay for my self and my children. 

We had the MOST AMAZING 2 days in the most luxury spa, relaxing, walking, talking, laughing, eating good food. No talking about the exs or kids no worries. Then BANG. Collecting them all when home for weekend visit and sick to my stomach with dread and discord. Yuck! What a contrast. I believe this may be a period in which I tell him this is the way it will be until I am confident his ex wifes vitriol has ended. Or if he intends on buying us a 5 bedroom home that we can separate and everyone have their own space instead of in eachothers pockets for 72 hours bickering for space in which is actually my very little home!