SS11 thinks he's an adult
DH has 50/50 custody with BM, and SS11 honestly believes he is an adult. It comes from BM and SF treating him as an equal...Probably because they both have the same mental age as he does...nevertheless it is causing a problem with the way he interacts with adults in his life, including my family members and his teachers.
DH told me this was discussed today in therapy, and they made great progress with it. I feel like I can see very clearly what's going on, and have for a while, but waiting for everyone else to catch up to what I already know is taking forever.
I feel like I'm scrutinized for basically telling it how it is, from the most objective point of view I know how, and it can still get turned around on me, like I hate the kid or something. It's not that it always gets turned around on me, but it definitely sometimes will. It's just not fair.
I'm just not feeling well now. Just not in it, and I don't really want to get into the myriad of other things bothering me right now. I'm thinking maybe it's Friday night, and it's definitely cocktail hour.
Unless the kid is starting a
Unless the kid is starting a fire in the living room I'd just let all of them work it out. As a step-parent you have no authority and long with that comes no responsibility providing you play it that way. This means to dis-associate yourself from discipline the similar aspects of raising the boy.
You may find the following article linked below to be useful as have uncountable others:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Thank you for this. It was
Thank you for this. It was very helpful, I think when I'm feeling in a better place, I'll have DH read it.
I totally get it. Thank you.
I totally get it. Thank you. Disengaging is something I have done in the past, and when things REALLY irk me (last night for example, I brought DH to bed after he fell asleep on the couch, knowing fully well the SS11 was up watching TV, and would be until 5am this morning....a pretty normal routine for him at this point, one which DH says he'll nip in the bud, but has clearly forgotten, or just doesn't care this time...) I just took my xanax to sleep through the night and told myself it isn't my problem.
It just gets confusing for me to disengage, because we seem to go back and forth with it. The other day, we took the kids tubing, and while I waited in line with my two kids, he sat with his two kids, and SS11 was really "pissing him off." He didn't bother to dress appropriately (my iritation, not DH's), and said he didn't even want to come with us. I, without missing a beat said "Then he doesn't need to come with us, he can wait in the car until we're done." Didn't even think about it, and DH told him to go. I wish I hadn't said anything, but in the moment it seemed like DH had no idea what to do with him, and I did it more without thinking about it. Things have been fine for a while, and I tend to pick my battles usually when it comes to Skids, but it's just irritating me now, and I want to talk about it, but I know no good will come of it.
On the other hand, when we got back to the hotel, my SS8 declared he was taking one of the beds, which really upset my BD8 because it was where she wanted to sleep. Of course I didn't let her have her way, but she got mopey and sullen and recluded into herself. I have never once given into this. I pulled her into my room and told her that just because things don't go her way she needs to make the best of them, and she wasn't going to ruin everyone's time because she didn't get what she had in mind. She said okay, and when I came out of my room she asked if she could have a place to unpack her stuff. I told her yes, when DH interjected "What's her problem?" and...another shut-down. So I took her out of the room, and talked her out of her second reclusion, to which DH inquired why I would coddle her when she is clearly over-coddled by her dad and my mother. I was getting very frustrated...with 6 of us in a confined space for a period of time, I just wanted to make it as pleasant as possible, and again, felt criticized for it.
I guess I'm just in a place where I can do no right, and if I try and talk to him about it, he gets super-defensive. We're just in an aggravating time right now. Usually things go rather smoothly. I just hate vacationing together.
It may be that you're
It may be that you're struggling with what disengaging means. It does NOT mean "putting up" with poor behaviour (i.e. your SS at the water park) it means not letting it affect you emotionally. So the fact you offered your opinion on a solution to the problem to your DH isn't a mistake - it's only a mistake if you get upset. HE chose to tell your SS to get lost. YOU didn't tell SS to get lost.
Here's the rule I follow to help me whittle it down to easy-to-manage bites, which by the way make it much easier to stick with the disengaging plan:
"______, when you (complain/whine/curse/ignore/taunt/mope etc.) I/we will ask you to stop. If you continue to (______), I/we will remove ourselves from you for (insert time frame here) to take care of ourselves."
I swear, this works. But because you aren't telling them to change, only that you won't be a part of what they've chosen to do/behave. There's such a big difference.
You and your husband don't seem to be on the same page right now. I hope you can come together and work as a team - sounds like he's frustrated too. Try looking up setting boundaries with people with borderline personality disorder. Not because you are dealing with BPD! Just because the tools are amazing and apply to every relationship.
Best of luck!
I understand your feelings
I understand your feelings regarding being ahead of DH and BM regarding the Skid's issues.
I tend to find that I am often way ahead of my bride on not only Skid stuff (we have one child SS-21) but also on career and interpersonal issues. Invariably she will ultimately do what I advised but only after a coworker or friend gives her the same advice I previously provided. We have been married since a week before SS turned 2yo so the trend is of notable duration.
People often tend to take exception when significant others express opinions and are confident that the situation and solutions are obvious on some issues while the first person struggles with the issue. It is infuriating when we understand the issue far more clearly than our partners and present viable direct solutions very early in the situation only to have the partner procrastinate and go for many more opinions only to get the same advice we already gave and only to make the same decision we recommended long before. When the advice that we already gave comes later from a resource that is being paid it is that much more infuriating.
At least that is how I feel in my own similar situations.
Good luck.
Definitely not on the same
Definitely not on the same page today. Usually it goes between being on the same page and DH is suffering his chronic pain issue, and can't be bothered to care. So am I supposed to pull all this together when he's not feeling well, or do I just continue to allow SS11 to ditch out of his responsibilities and consequences for his poor choices. DH just told me today that he thinks he's an adult because of the way he's treated at his mom's, and he's not going to take the "teach him a lesson by treating him like an adult" route, because it's not his fault.
I'm not sure I agree with this one, I can definitely go about my day and get the things done around the house that need to be done, and get my kids in on it too...but at the same time, I do not want myself or the other kids to be Cinderella in our own house.