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Should bio kids & Step kids share toys? or do step kids get "special" rules cuz they're mentally un-stable?

Buzybee82's picture

Ok, my dh is so weird when it comes to this issue! If SD10 (his daughter) wants to play with DD2 toys he says that's fine... BUT if DD ever touches any of SD things dh says no and takes it away from her! I've asked him before what the big deal is with this and his reason is he doesn't want SD to freak out, he's trying to prevent a fit from SD before it ever happens. SD is very f-d up little girl... she throws tantrums over everything! whines, pouts, walks around with a hunched back bottom lip sticking out, fits I've NEVER SEEN ANY KID ANY AGE throw but she does all the time! So even though SD can and does play with anything she wants, DD can't even touch something of hers! to me this is teaching both girls bad lessons. We're trying to teach DD2 about sharing and not throwing fits, but at the same time SD doesn't have to share and can throw fits. I called DH out on this, and again his response is he's trying to prevent SD from having any reason to freak out. That's bs! I'm sorry but the spoiled little brat should know how to share by now, and if she can't and she freaks out SHE should be punished for that! Not out little 2yr old by not being able to play with sis-ee's things. I think if DD has to share then SD should have to too!
Today dh noticed a build a bear that DD was playing with, and was like... "what's some doing with that?! that's sd, she can't have that!" he ever accused DD2 of going through SD things and getting it out! i said" actually that's mine, it was MY b-day present from 2 years ago, and she CAN play with it!" then tonight when we were tucking DD in to bed he saw another different build a bear and said " see, that's another one of SD that DD got out!" i said "nope, that's 'luv' and DD got this for Christmas this year"
like seriously... grow up dh. jezus! and they're both HIS daughters, but as always he's being un-fair and catering to SD dysfunctional ways! over his DD. Just cuz SD's f-d up and had serious behavioral issues doesn't mean DD should pay the price LIKE ALWAYS!
So my question is, do your bio & step kids have to share with each other, or is it one sided to favor the step kid? Am i wrong that it should go both ways? is he wrong that dd can't play with her stuff, by sd can play with hers? all to prevent psyco sd from freakin the f out?!?! uggg I'm so sick of everything being 1 sided when it comes to precious SD!

herewegoagain's picture

Yep. Loser skid would do the same when she came over. DH would of course do the same as your husband. I put a stop to it immediately. It never failed that skid would break my son's toys to top it all off. After a while I said very nicely, "ok, then she can't have her toys at my house if my son can't play with them...OR she can't play with his toys...which one is it going to be?" DH stopped allowing her to play with her toys in front of our son and we also stopped allowing her to play with my son's toys.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

No way that your immature SD should do that.She only does is because your DH reinforces this bratty behaviour by tolerating it.
He is very unfair, but from your blogs I knew that anyway.
We have a few rules here
- we don't tolerate show offs with toys or lollies("Look what I havvve and youuuu can'ttt"this is mean and unnecessary, so if they have a new toy and don't want the other kids to touch it, they can go in their rooms.Also we remind them next time if they want something from the other children not to take that for granted as well.
-we respect other peoples property.Breaking or not playing properly with things are not tolerated.
-everybody has some special toys that they don't have to share, but they stay in their rooms.Never anybody walks into somebodies room and simply take things without asking.
- if we are allowed to borrow things , we make sure we treat them with respect and give them back in the same condition

We have SD 7, BS9, BS12 and DD 16.Actually having no big problems with that issue anymore.
The thing is the big age difference, but unless SD has fragile things that are completely not age appropriate she still needs to share.She is a single child , isn't she?They are the worst, have many times no idea of socialising and sharing, many times so spoiled from their parents that they have no clue what to do.Only if your DH will teach her or let you teac h her and back you up, she will not learn it.Sadly your SO seems to treat her like a princess and has no idea about parenting.
What could happen, if he would listen is....SD is encouraged , look at the capital words:)to be a GREAT BIG SISTER who shares some toys with her baby sibling, who is VERY HAPPY BECAUSE OF THIS.ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL HOW HAPPY DD IS NOW SINCE YOU SHARED....DD HAS TO LEARN TO SHARE, SO YOU HELP HER BY SHOWING IT. GREAT JOB SD.Also encourage her to keep some toys away from DD that are more for her age:SD , WHY DON'T WE PUT THAT( LEGO )IN A SAFE PLACE TO PLAY WITH LATER,AND FIND SOMETHING FOR DD AND YOU TO DO TOGETHER.
Just suggestions, this only works if your DH is not such an idiot - since SD would most likely not be responsive to what you say unless he backs it up.SD would surely be proud if she gets praised to be a great older sister .

Jellybean76@hotmail.ca's picture

This is a touchy one. I found when I blended my home I did feel defensive over my own kids toys but probably because his kids would take my kids stuff out of the house. I would ask my husband why he let this happen and he said " I don;t know wo;s toy that is" Well DUH, did you buy it for your son? NO, then it is not his.

Our problem was we were living in a very small house with 3 kids sharing a room and all the toys in that room, no boundaries.

I found it funny that my kids had to share all their toys at one time, but his kids toys were "special". It is easy to get angry when other kids play with your kids toys but mosrlty because they broke them.

Now his kids share a room and my kids haVE THEIR OWN room, They are here more. My youngest likes his privacy. My oldest does too. But they have a playroom and I guess the rule is, whatever is in the playroom anyone can play with.

luchay's picture

We have a similar issue here.

Sd11 and ss8 have no toys here, so they play with my bd's 6 & 9's toys, which my girls are happy to share, but they are rough and break things - we have Vintage Barbie stuff from when I was a kid, and from my two older girls (19 and 22) so my kids have been taught to be careful and treat their toys respectfully. The skids not so much!

My girls also do lots of craft and again, share everything, happily.

SS brings things from bm's sometimes (pokemon, huge texta set etc) but refuses to let my kids play with them, they are his special things.

Only last night I spoke to OH about their birthday presents (next month for both of them) and Christmas presents staying here so they have their own things to play with etc, and he said no, if they want to take them home they can because it's not fair on them to only be able to play with them Weds and EOWE.

I pointed out that it is not fair on MY kids for his to be coming here and expecting to play with and break their stuff all the time.

I said they could take ONE thing home each visit and if it comes back unbroken next time they could take something again.

If your DD is expected to share at aged 2 then SD should be as well. I would just start taking DD's stuff off her whenever she touches it and explain that until she learns to share her own things she can't expect dd to. (not everything of course, there is always special or age appt stuff)

Buzybee82's picture

we have a rule in our house that all toys & clothes sd gets while she's here stays here ( with very few exceptions) because skeezebag bm is total white trash and lives off child support/wel fare/state and has never worked a day in her life... all clothes and toys we would send sd home with never came back. she would send sd back in dirty UN matched to big/ small clothes. the toys NEVER came back. so we would keep buying more and more only for them to disappear. finally my dh put his foot down and said no more! plus this way sd has clothes and toys here for when she's here. i get that your dh doesn't think it's fair for the kid to not be able to play with his toys while he's with bm, but I'm sure he he toys there too! and the way they're more excited to play with them when they're at your house.

SebringLad's picture

If the stepkids break them,that's it....have them bring their own toys "to destroy",we aren't TOYS U BREAK !!!!!

ownedbypedro's picture

Your sd is going to continue to freak out and not know how to share if your dh doesn't see the light. Good gawd, what is wrong with these men?

When my ss was 14, my dd was 2. Every day I would find more of her things in his room - baby toys. Stuff that belonged to our infant son too. CREEPY. JUST CREEPY. Of course dh always made some excuse to defend the brat.

Maybe...this is just a suggestion...maybe you could designate certain toys that belong to both kids for sharing and certain special toys that belong to just each child and don't have to be shared.

I used to do daycare in our home and I always told my own children that any toys they didn't want to share had to be kept in their rooms during daycare hours. That seemed to work well. Does your ss live with you full time?

janeyc's picture

Sharing toys is a good lesson for children, one rule for one child and another for the other child most definately is'nt, I would not be held to ransom over the whims of one child, maybe your So needs to let her freak out and then deal with it, kids are clever they know how far they can go and how to play it, she has Daddy wrapped around her little finger, I think your hubby is being very unfair, as your daughter gets older she will notice his behaviour, this needs to be sorted out before she does notice, it is so unfair, 2 year olds don't know much about ownership, I would not accept his behaviour.