SD mind games

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I have a 2 year old daughter with my fiancé his daughter is 17 and never liked me because of BM of course. I always gave SD chances because after all she was 6 when I met her I just assumed she would gr

ow out of it and see for herself that I am a good person.
2 years ago I have my daughter her half sister with her father.
I try to make a peace offering by choosing my C section in the 10th if the month which is her birthday day as well. I get pictures made at the hospital I chose to put a little sister outfit in her. In other wards I did a lot of things to show her I am including her.
anyway once my daughter is born little things that seemed like nothing at the time are becoming bigger and seeming like it's ruining my time with my daughter and I just need advice someone to tell me what is happening, am I taking it to far, or is she really still playing games with me.

when my daughter was born SD said to me she is probably going to be a Tom boy right? She will probably hate pink right? She throws like a boy. Ok when I say she said these things they literally came out of no where at all and I am very girly so I don't know why she would say that u less she is insecure with herself. I really just want my daughter to be who God made her to be Tom boy or girly girl whatever and never really thought about it but my SD influence over her own insecurities scare me. This is only one example of many many quick remarks from her.
Also since my daughter was born she comes over 2 hours a week and always brings a friend or a boyfriend acts really really loud and crazy in front of my daughter to get her attention almost like mocking her and acts like she is the best thing around she also comes on holidays and co platelet steals the show with my daughter which wouldn't be so bad but she literally only shows up once a week or holidays at our family's house and expects to be the center of attention with my daughter expecting people to compliment what a great sister she is and she makes sure to get a picture but when everyone stops looking she leaves and doesn't come back one week two weeks a month we never know lately she comes to our house once a month the past 5 months expects to play with my daughter whenever she decides to stop by I never know when it is but my fiancé gets upset if I am not available sometimes I don't even know she's coming till late the night before or she calls when she is in her way out of nowhere and says she's coming to hang out with us and gets pissed if we are not available. Well after the first year of this I was done it's like she does things to look good she wants to look like a good sister but she isn't one she comes over once a month now just to get things or money from her dad get in his good graces and then plays loud crazy with my daughter for a little and then disappears

i told dear husband I am done to be honest I am bitter

SD is just like BM they do things to "look good" but don't really care and our family doesn't know what she does

there is so much more so many games she plays with us and when I confront her dad he says I am jealous of her or picking in her she is innocent lol thing is I don't want to be against her I just want the games to stop she has no consequence and if we say anything to her she denies it and if I say anything to him it's a fight it's like my daughter is going to suffer in this and I feel like I have no say. It's a lot and so much more she has done and the worst part is she pretends like everything is perfect but clearly it's not but with her pretending that no one can ever confront her on anything and she can keep playing her games torchering me in the process she can literally insult me in a kind manner and almost make me feel like she is on my side lol her mom is big on the passive insults or pretending everything is perfect but planning her revenge silently I have torchered myself these past two years trying to figure out her games and what hurts worse is that I pretty much know what she is doing but it doesn't matter because if I say anything her father is on her side and I have no one to talk to for advice on how to deal with these mind games so I come in here. I'm not sure what's worse a SD who would openly aggressively hate you or one that silently hates you and has a knife to your back lol a little dramatic but seriously

I didn't read the entire post

I didn't read the entire post yet, sorry, but just wanted to confirm I read that correctly.

You had a planned C-section on your SD birthday so her half sister could share her birthday?

Yes

Yes not on her exact birthday month but the day yes when mine was the next day I could have chosen mine instead I chose hers

Oh gotcha. I thought you

Oh gotcha. I thought you meant the same exact birthday and I was going to point out how that would not be special for a teen lol but I misunderstood.

Lol

Lol I get it

Holy run on sentence Batman.

Your SD is insecure and I think you are giving her too much of your mental energy. All the things you do for her and to include her aren't appreciated. I used to be the same with my SD and I gradually stopped because she didn't acknowledge or appreciate anything, in fact she barely acts like I exist. She also puts on an act with my daughter about being a great big sister and I find it annoying because it is disingenuous and stops if my husband or her aunt's aren't watching. It's all about appearances.

Keep your distance and focus on your daughter. You don't have to act like you are SDs friend. You don't have to go out of your way to include her or do special things for her. Let her dad worry about keeping her entertained when she's over. Take a step back.

Thank you for taking your time to read and respond to my post

Run- on sentences and all lol.
id you ever confront your step daughter when she played these "appearance" games with your daughter? Did they eventually stop and did your husband support you on your thoughts? I'm asking because I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with it

my daughter really likes her sister possibly because of the clown show once a month and that bothers me a lot. It's like, my daughter gets crazy excited when SD comes around does a clown show and then disappears it almost makes my child more obsessed about something that isn't real. I get scared and pretty upset that she may get hurt by this when she grows to understand and also a little "ticked off" that I bust my butt for my daughter 24:7 and whenever his princess decides she feels like finally showing up just to show face she has full say when she can and will hang out with "my child" and it's not even real. She took a lot of my first time holidays with my child making it all about her and her and how perfect of a sister she is when others actually don't know she never comes to our house if you haven't seen her since the last holiday chances are we haven't either but nobody knows that. It's his family and I don't talk about our issues with them but I know she does to her cousins and tells them lies in me they have told me many times. I am worried that this will eventually hurt my daughter and it's like SD is getting her way in everything because if I try to avoid her games and walk away I am called the jealous SM and picking on her lol and if I sit and "hand over my kid" then I have to be disgusted watching her play perfect while my little one is so happy only to know her sister is going to disappear again for another month or so

and when my daughter gets tired of playing with her sister my SD will get extra extra loud again and even try to do what I am doing just to refer her attention back to her

she takes pictures on holidays and special days she posts on Instagram on holidays about her BFF my daughter lol meanwhile she doesn't know anything about her really

she has a salu if pictures to show my daughter one day to pretend how close she was when she was never around and the lie itself bothers me and if I tried to ever say the truth I would cause anger in my own daughter which I wouldn't want or my SD would try to blame it on me somehow like she already does with her cousins

the lie itself this whole lie is what's getting to me and the fact it's almost as if I have to play along.

thank you again for listening this website is my only relief and source of advice so it's really nice to have kind people taking their time out to answer

thank you

I never called her out on it

I never called her out on it because I would have been the only one, my husband's entire family falls for it and thinks she is a wonderful big sister. Then I hear SD say she hates her sister at BMs house and they even think that's cute as if she loves my DD more. No it's all a show.

Little kids like anyone who gives them attention. If your SD is only around once a month they aren't going to have that much of a relationship. Once your daughter is bigger and not so fun to play with your SD will hopefully move out and be on her own, or will move on to other ways of getting attention. You might think about signing your DD up for some activity that happens on weekends so you can go off with her doing something fun rather than have to watch SD use her as a prop.

I agree with taking your DD

I agree with taking your DD somewhere when SD comes over. DD is not a toy or a prop!

TY

Thank you,

I actually just looked into a few activities what a good idea!

Disengage from SD

Take your DD someplace fun when SD comes to cause problems, sorry visit. It's hard going from only child to not only being the only girl but her sister gets more Daddy time. But that not your problem and you do not have to solve that. That is what her BF is for.
Do not do anything for SD. No buying her anything , No taking her anywhere, No trips, No vacation. Do not spend your time or money on her.
If DH insists on family vacation, or trips only go place that young children will like.

Stop doing anything for SD.

Stop doing anything for SD. She calls when she is on the way over? Don't answer. DH tells you SD is coming over tmrw? Be at the park. Don't revolve your life around a bratty SK.

We just announced to SD10 that we are expecting a boy in April. She CRIED. Boo hoo tears. A lot of times I think SKs feel jealous that their Dad ends up having another kid with someone NOT their mom. Sad, but true. There will be almost 11 years between the two kids, so I honestly feel like she will be indifferent towards him when he arrives.

I read a post on here a while ago, that to include their SK, the SM asked her to PICK THE NAME for their baby. No way.

I’m sorry about

I'm sorry about your step daughter cried when you told her mine did the same. I know how that feels especially when you just want everyone to be happy. I went through so many emotions and being scared when my SD first found out and wasn't happy but it will get better. A baby is innocent and positive so I pray that will have an influence over your SD and help her to see the positives about someone so precious. and it's a boy so her being the only girl may help her feelings and hopefully fall in love with her baby brother.
oh and yes I almost had her pick the middle name but the way she is being I am so happy I didn't! It doesn't mean much to her as of now anyway and it's my first child so I would have regretted not choosing it. I somewhat wish I would have chosen my birthday day instead of my stepdaughters in means nothing to her and everything to me but oh well.
I wish you the best in your pregnancy and for the growth and positive transition of your family.
thank you for your advice

I can't understand living

I can't understand living with this level of tension and angst. It is a choice that I would change if I were you.

While I do understand that the SD truly bothers you, it is your choice to let her have so much space in your head. She is an intermittent invader of your home, she spends very little time there, your own DD will really not have much interface with SD and the influence SD has and will have is minimal. SD will likely get to a point where her baby sister will pretty much be little more than an occassional after thought. The problem that seems obvious though. Will you be wrapped around the axle when SD pretty much has nothing to do with her sister instead of playing off her her sister to try to show off?

I think that you owe yourself and your own child to get this kid out of your head, consider her as the afterthough that she actually is, and stop sacrificing so much of your bliss. Of course her father thinks that she can do no wrong. Instead of poking him on the shit his failed family pelvic spewtum pulls after the fact, just confront her directly on it in real time. Of course her father will be defensive when you bash his spawn to him. But, does he have the balls to interject when you address her behavior in real time directly with her? I doubt he does.

So, get her out of your head, cut your DH out of your angst over SD, choose to purge that angst from your life, focus on you and your DD, and make it crystal clear to SD that she will not be tolerated to try to polish the turd that she is using her sister as her polishing tool.

IMHO and how I would deal with it.

Be good to you.

Thank you for this

Thank you for your advice it really puts things in a different perspective for me.

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