How much can non-custodial parents parent?
My husband and I don't agree on this topic at all, so I want to hear what you all think. I believe that when SD is here he should patent her similar to how he parents our DD. As in punish her if she doesn't do what she's told, or throws a fit, or does something bad, etc. He says she's 10 and she is already set in her ways, that there's very little we can do in the time we have her, that she needs to be treated more as a guest in our house than his daughter, that we can't do anything about her pooping her pants, that she had special treatment. He tells me all the time that she gets "special" treatment cuz she's not being raised by us. I think he's her dad and her only hope of turning out some what normal. Keep in mind she's not what people would call a " normal" kid. She acts like a baby all the time, throws fits worse than our 2 yr old, doesn't do what she's told, poops her pants, lies, uses DH & I against each other, plays games, is way too rough physically/ mentally/ verbally with out DD. She acts like she's stupid all the time, can't do anything without asking tons of questions, and needs everyone to do everything for her...ex:" how do i turn on the light?" " where do i put my garbage?" " how do i use the microwave?" ( all things she knows how to do, but she acts like she doesn't to get attention from anyone) also just so it's clear, my DH gives her more attention then he does our DD, me, or anyone. He's tried with all his might to get her as much as he can, but baby mama is a real piece of sh*t!!! All baby mama cares about is getting her child support, well fare, state assistance... not what best for her daughter.
So I'm always telling DH to step up more with the discipline, parenting, and stop playing her games. He is afraid she won't want to come over if he does cuz seriously it would be miserable how much she should be disciplined.
How much can non- custodial parents do when their kids are here? Should it be all fun, or should he parent her like he does his other kids?
He should parent them
He should parent them similarly, but if he won't, there's precious little you can do. She sounds like she is very much in need of professional help. 10-y-olds are not set in their ways but, if he thinks so he will do nothing to help her. If you take over, can you endure the rows that will cause? Equally if you disengage according to the frequent advice on this site, what is the impact on your DD? Sounds like you guys should go to couple counseling or parenting counseling to find a middle way because this child is shaping up to do damage to your family if you do not do something to head her off. It's not her fault, the poor little thing. Her parents are both letting her down.
Hmmm, I expect the "guests"
Hmmm, I expect the "guests" in my home to have respect for me and my home. I expect that if they don't respect me or my home, they won't be welcome back. So if she is a "guest" she can start behaving like one or stop returning.
The sad thing is that if SD10
The sad thing is that if SD10 were parented properly by Dad, her need for attention would diminish greatly. I have noticed with my kids a sense of relief when I reel them back in. Sometimes I get too slack, and when I realize they are getting out of hand, reel them in. Their demeanor changes. They are relieved; someone has rescued them from themselves! Discipline means love. Even when a child says, "I hate my Dad (or Mom)," what they are really saying is, "My Dad (Mom) loves me enough to make sure I do the right thing...that I turn out well...that I don't end up 'bad'." Kids who have no limits set for them literally feel unloved. Nobody cares enough to make sure they are doing right. That greatly increases their neediness and it's a vicious cycle. Do whatever you can to convince your DH he is wrong. She is his child, and his responsibility. Even stating that she is set in her ways at 10 is just ludicrous, especially given that she appears to be on the emotional level of a toddler.
I actually went to couples
I actually went to couples councelling to fix this same sort of issue. I felt SO was treating his kids like guests and not parenting them enough. He had a similar response of "Everything I teach them is undone by the time they get home anyway".
I liked my councellors words. I will share them.
Did you behave the same at home as you did at your Grandparents house? At school? Were the rules always the exact same?? All are NO.
You can have your own set of rules and guidelines in your home and expect your SD to follow them. She may not want to and it may take time, but she will accept them if you stick with it. Tell her she has to count to 10 in her head before asking a question that she probably already knows the answer to. She will get so sick of counting that she may stop asking the questions! If she poops her pants, let her know that isn't an option in your home. She is definately old enough to know the difference. She is also old enough to clean up the mess. She is old enough to work the washing machine and dryer. She should be responsible for her mess. My skids clean their own bedding if they have an "accident at night" and they are 8 and 10. She is obviously doing that for attention. Same with acting like a baby. Tell her she has to act her age... not the age of her sibbling.
If your husband doesn't support you.... tell her these things on your own. She will get the hint and you will feel better about at least making a small amount of impact on her behaviour.
Once my SO and I layed out some rules for our house, things got a lot better. I'm not even just saying that. The skids know the difference of rules at our house and at their moms. They follow them without fight and it's great.
Good luck.
Thank you all for such great
Thank you all for such great advice, just being on this site makes me feel so much better!!! I'm so afraid to talk to my DH about this because he always takes it offensively and it always turns into a fight. I kind of think he's so defensive cuz deep down he knows what I'm saying is right, he just doesn't know how to change. Seriously he tells me all the time that she is "a perfectly normal kid"!!!! He thinks since her parents aren't together she ok to act how she does. He thinks I'm out to get her all the time.... he told me yesterday that the only reason other people think SD has issues is because of me brain washing them with all my bulkshit! I'm trying to explain to him that people have formed their own opinions of her, not from what i say. I don't just talk smack about her, nor do they. We all talk about her cuz we care and its sad how she is. Sometimes i feel like I'm fighting him & SD so much, he's just gonna think/ do the opposite to be right! This situation is so hard, its the hardest thing in my life. I really wish it would change, we've had meetings with both sets of our parents over, and he only hears what he wants to hear...I need to find a way for him to realize what's really going on. He's so blinded by his love for her, and has it set in his head that she's dealing with her parents not being together. They haven't been together since she was 1! I tell him all the time that these days 50% of kids parents aren't together and they don't act like this....
Baby mama got SD in counseling and would go in the apt with her and coach SD to only talk about me, now DH has bought into all that and blames me for SD having issues and not wanting to come over! It's all bullishit games that baby mama is controlling to keep the attention off herself! She is the reason SD is like this!!!
Buzybee, Look up parental
Buzybee,
Look up parental alienation syndrome and google dr. Richard Warshak. It sounds like your DH's ex is trying to alienate him from his DD. You both need to know how to combat this, and Dr. Warshak's site has great materials for parents AND kids who are victims of it. Consider buying some of those materials for DH and SD.
another question... what
another question... what about her pooping her pants? We've gone to doctors, it's not a medical condition, she controls it, she's NEVER done it at school, or at summer camp, or any where she doesn't want to. DH thinks ( like with everything else) there's nothing we can do about it! I say, we're her only hope! As it is now SD is supposed to clean it to herself without being asked, but she will sit in it until she gets attention for it.... then make the " cleaning" processes as long, drawn out, and as much attention she can get! Now DH says it's not fair we make her clean it up, and usually tells her to throw them away. I can't tell you how many things were tried. Now, just like everything else DH says there's nothing we can do, she shouldn't have to clean it up cuz she's embarrassed! Our 2 yr old DD poops in the potty more than our 10yr old. Now our 2yr DD talks about how "sis-ee" poops in her pants and if DD goes in her diaper she doesn't want it changed/ cleaned cuz sis-ee poops in her pants and doesn't clean it!!!! I was pissed! Told DH this has got to change, it's already hard enough to potty train, we don't need our 2yr knowing her big sister isn't!!!