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He’s left-I’m not family, I wasn’t a stepmum

Shazloo1234's picture

So he's left.

He's not communicating.

I think he's gone to his mum's.

They got at him at the hospital. Making him apologise to his mum for me being nasty to her when we lived with her!(absolute bullshit).

Telling him I'm not part of the family.

Telling him I was never step mum.

Telling him I'm not allowed to the funeral.

10 years of my life a lie.

I'm numb and more empty than I ever have been.

Never again.

Steplife is shit unless you have a partner who has a backbone, otherwise you end up losing.

To them.... the vile, greedy and selfish "family".....


Rags's picture

Get on with your life.  Do not give them any more than you already have.

Your life is not the lie. His is. Theirs is.

Be good to you.

He left, re-key the locks, get an attorney, lock every Cent down and let him figure out how much he is actually loved by his family when he needs them to house and feed him.  They won't. At least not for long.  When they kick him to the curb, don't take his calls. He has proven himself unworthy of you.  Even with the tragedy of his deceased son, this makes him and all of them a write off.  Go pay your respects after the funeral with a visit to your SS's cemetary.   Do that in private.  Be the person that they are not and could never be.

Enjoy your new life adventure. Live your best life. Relish at least a little bit in knowing that living well is the best revenge.  Get on with your revenge . I mean, get on with your best life.


Take care of you.

Give rose

AgedOut's picture

If he is willing to turn his back on you, no matter if he was in a vulnerable state due to the death, is he really even worthy of being in your life now. After all you've done for him, him treating you this poorly is a reflection of who he is. Pack his belongings and stack them near the door and he can come get them and you can move on to someone who will love, cherish and appreciate you. You deserve better. 

BethAnne's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. My condolences. Of course you deserve to grieve and should in all reasonable circumstances be at your step son's funeral. I'm sorry that your attendance has been banned. I hope that you can find another way to mark your loss to help you with the grief. 

As for your partner if you think the relationship might be revived I might be tempted to hold out for a couple of months and try to give him time to work through his grief and see if he finds his way back to you. Perhaps find a couple of small ways to reach out to him to let him know you are there for him, while giving him some space too.  Maybe make a commemorative photo album or in a few weeks you could offer to help sort through any of your ss's things in your home.

If you can get the support of a therapist to help talk you through this time it might help you to deal with all the conflicting emotions that you must be going through.

Look after yourself.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I read your past blogs. He never truly cut the cord from BM, so he never was "life partner material." Please take his leaving as a gift, and don't fight it. Don't take his call if he hoovers back.

ETA, and it looks like his mother has been "team ex" for years, pressuring him to only visit the kids with his ex at their former marital home, which still hasn't been sold or transferred. And he is too weak to fight them. He is too weak to fight for you, too, or even to go against them enough to have you around as his partner. Move on. He will never be your life partner. 

Harry's picture

Good that you are not wasting any more time and effort.  We all fall for that trap of not seeing what is right in frount of you.  I done it. I bet most here have done it .  It's not you,, it's him.  He broken. 

Winterglow's picture

Losing a child has to be one of the worst things that can happen to you. So now he's lashing out in pain and you, unfortunately, are the easy target. There is no excuse for his behaviour - he knows exactrly what he's doing and he knows how hard this is on you and yet he's still doing it. This is unforgiveable. Do you really want him back? Mommy dearest is sure to twist things so that it's your fault that his son died and he's going to swallow that hook, line and sinker.

I'd cut off all forms of communication with him. Block him on all sides. If he, someday, wakes up and realizes what he's lost, make him work to find you and get you back ... but don't count on that ever happening.

How long did you stay with his mother? 

Want to bet that now is the time that BM chooses to get him to sign off his rights to the house?

BanksiaRose's picture

You're the person he supposedly loves, yet he chooses to twist the knife while you're grieving, and he knows exactly how it feels, because he is grieving too, so he's doing it very consciously. Depriving you of supports while he's enjoying his, at this awful, sad hour. 

I'm sending much love your way. Lean on your friends and family as much as you can, and maybe find a grief therapist.

Rags's picture

On losing a child.  The grief never ends.  It tempers some, it spreads out, but it does occassionally surface in full force.  I recently saw a graphic that demonstrated grief as a large ball bouncing around in a box.  Peak grief/hurt happens when the ball bounces against any surface in the box.  As time passes following a grief filled loss, the ball shrinks.  With that the frequency of the ball striking the surfaces of the box decreases.  When the ball hits the box, it still hurts just as much. It just does not arrise as often.

I have not lost a child. My parents have. I am the eldest of 3 boys.  My youngest brother passed when he was 10mos old. I was 9yo.

Last night my dad sent me a text at nearly 11PM their time. Extremely late for my in bed at 9 parents.

Mom is having a serious crying jab thinking about (your brother).  She wants to know that you are okay.

He passed nearly 51 years ago.  Mom was 28 when he passed. She is 79.  I replied last night that I was good and that I too had thought about the baby quite a bit recently.  I said that he is always with us.

I called mom this AM. She was good but said she certainly wasn't last night.  I know dad was right there and probably dropped a tear while holding mom.  

Mom and dad did not backstab or abandon each other and their marriage when he passed. Quality people do not do that to each other. Not even during a tragedy.  Not even when they are in a blended family where only one of them has a child.

Your SO will have these grief events regarding the loss of your SS for the rest of his life.  He has proven how he will behave towards you when it happens. It never stops.  It happens less frequently. Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior, he will do then what he is doing now. Don't be around for that to happen.

Take care of you.

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry your partner is not able to understand that you are also hurting here.

I don't know really what the balance of your relationship was like with him.. has he ever been loving and supportive?  or did you always feel you were putting way more effort than he was?

I am also sorry for the loss of your step son.  And.. while I know you are grieving, it's just undeniable that as a parent.. there is likely no other loss in your life that will ever compare.. and it is something he will always carry with him.  Losing a child is not anything a parent expects to face.

The fact that there are issues with his mother.. with the ex.. those are not necessarily helping this situation for him.. but he has little control over those people. .who to be fair, are grieving an enormous loss in their own right.  You can understand how upsetting it would be for them to have you there.. you don't like them.. they don't like you. I get that you are also sorry for the loss of your SS.. but you are not the parent or grandparent of this child lost way too soon from his family.  And.. there's the crap part of step life.. we are NOT their parents.. and when the going gets tough.. we can be painfully reminded of that.

I know a few people have suggested you go to the funeral.  I can absolutely tell you that is not the right thing to do.  The funeral is for the living family of that boy.  You can have your own spiritual prayers about this.. you can visit  his grave at a later date to "say goodbye".. Your absence is not showing you don't care.. it's that you are allowing his mother.. grandmother.. and yes.. father to grieve without the added drama that you KNOW will come up if you go.  I know they have not behaved particularly nicely towards you.. none of them.. but they were going through a very horrid time.. and pushing to go to the funeral will surely put a nail in things.

If... your SO was a good and loving partner prior to this tragedy.. give him some time.. and then perhaps see if couple's counseling could help.. he may need counseling already to deal with the death of his son.  

If this is just another slight he has against you.. then move on.

I know that step parenting is difficult... and you are dealing with a devastating situation.. for everyone.

but.. in the end.. this was your SO's son.. and while you may have cared for the kid at one time.. I think it is safe to say.. that losing a bio child would be much more of a loss to bear than losing a stepson that you only knew for some years.  

I truly am sorry you are hurting.. but the parent's loss is greater than yours.. and my personal take on this is that dealing with your hurt feelings should have waited.. I don't think I would have put any ounce of my own pain on my sleeve for my SO to bear after he lost his son.. I would have sucked it up.. and done my crying alone.. and later.. when things were more normal.. perhaps that would be something to unpack.. but you know your SO can't deal with what he has.. so adding more for him to try to take in.. kind of made his mother's point in a way.  and I know that you just wanted to be supported too.. and it would have been great had he been capable of seeing that.. but right now.. he just isn't.