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SS gravely ill

Shazloo1234's picture

My bf of 10 years is at the bedside of his son(15 years old) who has recovered from sepsis. He had 30% of his stomach removed which was dead and 8 litres of black bile extracted from his body. Doctors put him in an induced coma. He looked like he was making  progress, but now they have found his stomach has ulcerated.

Further complications so they have put him back in to an induced coma and back on all the medications.

Understandably my bf is devastated with anxiety through the roof. His ex is there and she has the support of her daughter and parents. My bf is alone, he is staying at the hospital and the ex goes home.

We only have one car, so my bf has it and he is 3 hours away.

Our lovely neighbour has offered to take me to be with my bf. He said I should be there, and I want to be. I'm finding it extremely difficult under the circumstances.

I told my neighbour that the ex would not want me there. He was shocked.

Anyway I told my bf of the kind offer, and he said that he did want me there too but his main focus is getting his son better. He said it would cause stress with the ex and daughter. I said under the circumstances can we not put all this hatred to one side? I said I would go late afternoon after they had gone home. He said he would run it by them and let me know? I said you are considering asking their permission for me to go?? He's going to ask the ex and daughter permission for his wife to be there to support him??

I'm devastated.


ESMOD's picture

IMHO.. you should not go anyway.. it's not the right place.

you don't like his kids.. you don't like his ex..

they don't like you.

The kid who is sick doesn't like you.

your husband is an adult. if he needed you there.. he would make it happen.. he doesn't want you there because it would add stress on him to an already stressful situation

your should do your part to assure him everything is fine at home.. and he can call you any time.. day or night if he wants to talk.

You can tell the neighbor.. thank you for the lovely offer.. but your BF is just focused on being with his son.. and since you aren't a blood relative.. it would just make visitation complicated.. and in the end.. your SO needs to just focus on his son.. he gives you frequent updates while you hold down the fort.



Shazloo1234's picture

Hi Esmod,

Thank you for your reply.

I have always loved the children, so not sure where your information came from stating I don't like them?

The son has no problems with me and the daughter has been poisoned against me.

Don't you think that under these dire circumstances any ill feeling or hatred should be put behind us all?

I would be going to support the man I love who is not coping too well, and to support his son who has been in my life for many years. I would not go whilst the ex and daughter are there?

I would purely go to show I care and hold my partner to give him hope and reassurance.

ESMOD's picture

In your last post it said you had been alienated for 2 years.. that doesn't speak well for them having a great relationship wtih you.. I felt that that was probably somewnat mutual given years of it. 

But.. if you love his kids.. that's fine.. but it really doesn't change the situation much.

Should people be able to put things aside for someone else's benefit?  yeah.. of course.. WILL they?  well.. it seems he doesn't think that they will... and for him to have to broach this.. when he is already dealing with so much?  I don't think he has it in him to have that fight with them.. the mom.. the daughter.. that DO clearly have issues with you right?  

Honestly, the bottom line is that a parent watching their child go through a health struggle like this is never going to cope well with the thought of losing their child.. and there is probably little you could do to help.. 

probably the best you can do is remain supportive where you are...  he knows you care.. but he has told you he doesn't want you to come.. I know you wish you could do more but in this case, I think it is all you can do.

ESMOD's picture

I went and read your other recent post about fishing.. and in that you seem to want your SO to "do" something about the fact that his kids have been alienated by the EX.. you were upset you weren't getting as much "normal" time with his son.

Unfortunately.. this is not necessarily something your BF can do anything about.  He can't control the EX.. and if he doesn't have enough of a custody order to beat her about the head with for not allowing visitation? there is ZERO he can do about her not wanting them around you and not allowing her kids to see their dad when you are around.  Is this right? no.. but it may not be in his control.

Is this likely very difficult for him.. sure.. but he has apparently decided that being with you is worth the trouble.. and when pushed on it has told his SON to deal with you being there.. 

there is not much he can "do" to his EX.. again.. like now.. if she is going to pitch a fit that you are there.. she can do that.. she could let the hospital know you are banned from seeing her son.. she probably can do that.

Apparently she doesn't have a lot of interest in your feelings.. or his feelings.. she cares about herself and what she wants for her kids.

he can't make her be a mature adult.. and you can't push in there and force the issue.. and actually in this situation.. with their son so ill.. it would be the wrong thing to put your need to be involved ahead of their need as parents to be there for their kids.

CajunMom's picture

the world we live in. And you have to get to the place where you say confidently, it is what it is. Learn to disengage with emotions, too.

Fair? Not at all. But so much of what we deal with in StepHell really has nothing to do with's the bio parents who let their kids rule the roost. Hence, all the issues we must deal with.

Regardless, this is NOT the time to cause issues especially with the state of your relationship with your SO's kids.  A 15 year old is in the hospital fighting for his life. Let his bio parents handle it. Your SO can be alone with his son. You can support him via phone calls and texts. No extra stress needs to be added to this current situation. 


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Unless something has radically changed since April, the best thing for you to do is to stay away - unless your SO tells you he wants you there. It will cause him more stress to have you there if it will make things worse with BM and SD - and it sounds like it will. Please don't add to his stress by being upset that he is asking them for permission for you to be there. It is not right that he feels like he must do this, but it is the reality of the situation. Now is not the time to try and make a point.

Shazloo1234's picture

Hi all,

Thank you for all of your replies.

I wasn't planning on going when BM and SD were there.

Just late afternoon to be with my BF alone.

I'm not trying to make a point or cause any trouble, just be there for my bf.

The SD's boyfriend is there too and he's only been in the family a few months.

I've been there since my SS was 4 years old until the BM poisoned them against me.

I am praying for his son.

This shouldn't be happening, life so cruel?

Shazloo1234's picture

My bf has been booked in to see a psychiatrist as a result of not coping.

I am waiting to see what is said, and if the psychiatrist recommends me to go there when the ex/daughter are not to support my bf I will go.

Thank you for all your advise.

I have taken it all on board.

As for my bf's son.

The doctors found his stomach had ulcerated.

It looked like progress was going backwards.

However, Specialist stomach doctor stated that stomach lining was coming away(healing), and infection levels were low so it's progress.

Still early days but everything's crossed for a speedy recovery.❤️

ESMOD's picture

I know that you want to be "there" for him.. but, the reality is that your BF isn't coping because his son is gravely ill.. not because he can't put his head on your literal shoulder. 

It is probably entirely stressful because

1.  His son could die.. this is the first and foremost worry and concern for him

2.  He has been estranged from his son over the past.. and while things were getting better.. he has to have some serious regrets about the time missed.. when he sees how fragile life can be.

3.  He is having to deal with his toxic EX.. and his daughter.. that has also had a problematic relationship.. so.. he is dealing with a super stressful situation .. and it's even more stressful because he has to deal with people he would rather not.

4.  Tensions and emotions are high.. all the way around.. the last thing he wants to do is upset the apple cart and have any chance that his ex will go balistic if she finds out you visited "HER SON".  It doesn't matter if your plan was to sneak in while she was away.. she WILL find out.. and right now.. your SO does not have the band width to deal with the fallout.

5.   I really hope you have not expressed any negativity about him not wanting you to visit.. because if you did.. you added more stress for him.. because now he is also dealing with worrying about hurting your feelings and right now.. the reality is your feelings don't matter.  His child's potentially fatal illness matters.. and even if he survives.. there could be lasting health impacts.. this is real life serious stuff  here.. this is mountains more important than some concern over you being left out of the visiting room.

6.  If you had your own transportation.. perhaps it might be more feasible for you to go make the 6 hour round trip to see your BF.. plan a stay at a local hotel overnight.. so he would be able to see you.. I'm not sure where he is staying right now.. but in the end.. if you want to be supportive of your BF and see HIM.. that might be reasonable. but I think pushing for a visit with his ill son is probably a bridge too far.  Have you thought about suggesting THAT?  "Hey.. why don't I rent a car for the weekend.. I will come and we can stay in a hotel.. and we can at least spend a little time together outside visiting hours. .I won't go to the hospital.. but I want to be there for you, BF"

I'm not sure why the psychiatrist would recommend you go visit his son.  His son isn't the one that needs help coping..Your BF does.. if you want to go see your BF.. maybe THAT is more reasonable.. I'm assuming he isn't spending 24 hours a day in the hospital room.. and maybe if he is.. he would benefit from an evening away from the stress of the hospital?

Evil4's picture

I totally agree with #6 for the purpose of tending to your SO and getting a good meal into him. You could bring some clean clothing for your SO if he doesn't already have some, bring something he might have forgotten, bring him some coffee and get some fluids into him. People stressed to the hilt like your SO must be don't often look after themselves. You could focus on your SO and not have to step foot in the hospital. There are ways you can show your concern for your SO and support him without entering the hospital. In fact, I agree that now isn't the time to expect your SO to stand up for you, and your SO really doesn't need that stress right now. Focus your attentions on your SO and do what he wants you to do. By staying away from the hospital, you ARE showing support because it won't be an added stressor for your SO as he won't need to fear all hell breaking loose should BM and your SD find out you went to the hospital. 

Shazloo1234's picture

I am not seeking visiting stepson in his hospital bed.

This is not about that at all. Although obviously if I could see him without any consequences it would be a bonus!

My bf is staying in hospital accommodation 24/7.

We could have gone for a walk, got a coffee or just basically get out in the fresh air!

I am not so insensitive that I wanted to barge into the hospital room when my stepson is so very ill!

I also would not take him away to stay in a hotel. I understand he wants to be 5 minutes away from his son's bedside which he is at the moment. I did not want to infringe on his time being there for his son.

Just maybe a bit of time outside the hospital to give him a hug and find that closeness which he is probably not getting.

I wasn't wanting the psychiatrist to recommend I visit his son, I was hoping if they thought it would really benefit my bf then of course I would go!

This has been all about my bf and taking him away from the stress even just for an hour. His ex and daughter have parents/grandparents for support and the comfort of the home and their beds to go to every night, where I'm sure they find it easier to de stress.

ESMOD's picture

Is bm also staying at the hospital? or does she go home because she has a home to go to?

Look.. your SO is in survival mode right now.. and honestly.. since his son seems to be somewhat improving.. it would be a good thing for him to take a small break.. not hours away.. a hotel within minutes of the hospital.

You said he wouldnt ask their permission.. why would it even come into play if he met you down the street at a coffee shop?  I think he thinks you want to come visit him AT the hospital.. and THAT is a no go for him.

I really think you need to approach this differently... I'm not sure how many days he has been there.. but he HAS to take care of his own basic needs.. he needs a fresh change of underwear.. clothes.. he needs a meal.. a nap in a real bed.

If he is trying to make due in the hospital room lounger.. he is not only mentally stretched.. but physically.

Again.. it's not your comfort or presence he needs.. he needs to take care of himself.. what he is doing is not entirely healthy.

If his son is out of the woods enough for mom to go home and take a break.. then his son is healthy enough for HIM to do the same.. maybe he and his EX need to coordinate so that she can be there when he is not?  that seems the most logical.

There is no reason why he can't rent a room to go to.. is it?  he is sacrificing himself.. as if that would make this turn out differently.. but why is he the only one to do that.. why does his EX go home and sleep in her bed.. why can't he go sleep in a bed too.. I get his home is too far away.. but you booking a hotel for a weekend.. to give him some refresh.. that he could come.. sleep for a few hours.. and go back to the hospital why is that so unreasonable?


ESMOD's picture

Perhaps your BF misunderstood your offer to come see HIM.(not his son).. that your intention was to just meet him out for lunch away from the hospital.. that would not even be anything the EX would even know about etc.. your original post seemed pretty clear you would be going to the hospital.. becasue you said you would go when the ex wasn't there.

In fact.. you should be going WHEN she is there.. that way your BF can simply say.. Oh.. good EX you are here. .I'm going to pop out for a bit.. grab a bite to eat and get some fresh air... your name doesn't have to come up at all right?

The reality is that if this has been going on for longer than a few days.. your SO must be exhausted from trying to sleep in his son's hospital room (I"m assuming that's all that is possible.. our hospitals don't tend to have hotel suites for family).  

If you approached it from the "look.. you need to take care of yourself.. you are no good to your son if you get ill from not looking after yourself better"

If it really is that he doesn't want to leave his son's side?  well.. then it's his own fault that he is exhausted.. his ex goes home. he could similarly get a place to stay there.. where he could get away a few hours a day himself to rest, shower, recharge.. and that has nothing to do with his EX.

I know you feel helpless that you can't do more.. but if he won't accept a visit because he can't leave his son's bedside.. then please don't tell the neighbor it's the ex'es choice.. because it isn't.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think the reason you will get varying rections on this site  to you wanting to go to the hospital have to do with cultural differences. Different cultures and different families react differently when someone is in the hospital. For example, i come from a "give privacy" family/part of the country. I currently live in an "everybody shows up" part of the country. My ex MIL and SIL were offended that i didn't want them in my hospital room when i was giving birth. It felt wrong for them not to be there, to them. What i would recommend is to let your DH know you are willing to be there for him. To sit with him, bring him clothes or other items, take him to eat, whatever he needs. If he will not accept your help, you have to honor his wishes at this time. You are there for him. It is up to him on how much he wants to allow you to help. 

Shazloo1234's picture

Thank you for your support all.

I understand about people's perception of hospital visits etc. This wasn't about me visiting stepson, it was about taking my bf outside the hospital as he's been there 24/7 without a break. He has been given a room to sleep in. They have a family room and accommodation.

Ex and daughter go home to the comfort of their beds.

Doctors have found that Stepson ingested fungus.

So now they can appropriately medicate.

I'm hoping within the next 48 hours there will be an improvement?

By Sunday my bf will know whether he can leave his son at this stage, or if he wants to stay I might have to go to collect the car so I can get to work!

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure why your BF would object to you going to the area.. and seeing him outside the hospital.. unless he truly was so concerned about leaving his son.. that he was not going to leave.. by his own choice.  

Frankly, his EX has no control over you.. if you go to that area.. see him outside the hospital.. how would she even know?

So, while I know it must hurt to have him rebuff your offer.. and to quasi blame it on not wanting to upset the EX.. the reality is.. I don't think he was up for anything that was going to distract him from his son's condition.. he seems dedicated to staying there.

Now.. the car issue is separate.. what I would tell him is that you will be making plans to come up and get the car on Sunday.  You will be having neighbor drive you... unless the son is well enough that dad can go home before then.  If he is at a hospital.. I would think that he would have access to more transportation options there than you do.. and he has been staying in the hospital.. so he really does not need the car like you do.

I would say that you will be there.. you can meet at X cafe near the hospital.. he can give you the keys.. you can visit.. then he can go back to his son.. or can go home with you.. if his son doesn't need to have him there any more.


I know your heart is in the right place.. you want to be there for him.. but he appears to not want this help.  Now.. if he goes on and on to you complaining that he has no support there.. you can remind him that you could come see him.. outside the hospital.. but that he said he was not up for that.. and if he changes his mind.. you can surely make plans.


Kaylee's picture

I think some of the comments to the OP have been a bit harsh really.

I'm sure, at the end of the day, she just wants to support her partner in whatever shape that may take.

I applaud her for that.

OP, I hope your SS continues to recover, and that you and your partner can be a great support to him and to each other.

Shazloo1234's picture

Obviously I am distraught for my bf and son. The whole situation is devastating. 
I have been supporting and understanding and not waivered in my love for my bf.

His son is improving and has all of the top doctors looking after him which is fabulous of course.

i need to go and collect the car to get to work as it's been 10 days now without it.

i mentioned in a text to my bf that I have no money because no car and he ignored me.

The fact he doesn't want me there is causing me so much hurt that I'm shutting down. I've had so many years of it that it's just got too much.

My son said to me that him and his gf would come up to support me, because that is what families do in times of crisis.

That hit a real nerve because yes, that's exactly it!

I am not family to my bf otherwise he would let me be there with him(outside of the ex being there)

All my friends that know us are shocked that he has this attitude towards me, and are basically saying he should  have tgrown some balls and put the ex in her place long ago. I kind of foresee this day coming.....

I'm beginning to feel I can't face talking to my bf other than to find out how his son is.

i'm trying to distract, detach, do nice things, listen to calming music to help me sleep but it's not happening.

My body is shutting down to protect myself and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Sadielady's picture

It's sorry you're dealing with this and I agree that some of the comments have been harsh. I agree that you shouldn't be at the hospital unless your bf wants you there. But why wouldn't he want his partner with him??  When I'm going through a tough time, all I want is to rest my head in my partner's shoulder for a minute and draw strength from him. That's what a partnership is. It kind of sounds like he's put you on a shelf, to pick up again when his life is less stressful. And that would feel terrible. 

Shazloo1234's picture

Dear Sadielady,

Thank you do much for your very understanding and supportive message, and there was another from a fellow member before which I was so very grateful to receive.

i guess this is where I'm coming from about being cast to one side whilst the going is intensely tough, which is the time we should be pulling together. We've always been a team!?

If it were the other way round I'd want him by my side even if momentarily as you say to draw that strength and comfort.

Most people from my support network(I've been very lucky and grateful to have)have said more or less what you're saying? I am family, but I get the feeling the ex has made it quite clear to the hospital ward that I should not be allowed in.

But that should not stop me from being with my bf outside of the room where their son is? I was told the mum and dad had to decide on whether I visited or not, because I'd rang last week just to see what the protocol was should I get to go down there.

So I guess he's had to go along with her wishes, which again makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and bad that I'm really such a terrible person?

Winterglow's picture

Don't take it as a criticism of you,  BM is suffering and  lashing out. I agree with the others,  there's no reason that your SO can't see you outside of the hospital. Doesn't he even leave his son's side to give BM some time alone with him?

Kloewent's picture

You have a legitimate reason to go, you need your car. Make a quick trip, bring some clothes and comfort from home and then leave. 

Harry's picture

One to show that I am a person, doing what's required of me.  15 yo are kids. Kids don't get into mind games for reason they only know.

TWO. You want to let DH you are there for him... SO he can't throw it in your face latter on. [my kid is dieding and you are playing bingo]

Rags's picture

I would inform, not ask, your SO that you will be at his side.  

Question, Is he your BF of 10yrs or your DH?  You call him your BF of ten years then toward the end of your OP you refer to yourself as his wife.

It may not be highly important, but it does make some difference in your position and in the nature of your relationship with your SO.

I am praying for your SS's recovery.

Lillywy00's picture

I think if you are legally married then I personally do not agree with him pushing you away because his ex wife is there. As a wife you have every right to expect to be present wherever he is present. 

If you are not married then unfortunately this is the downside of being unmarried 

However I do agree in very sensitive circumstances, it's not a good idea to play power assertion games. 

So I personally would just respect my partner's wishes if I were you but I would take note of how he handles situations like this by choosing not to have you around and decide if this is a coping mechanism you can deal with when/if something of this magnitude comes up again. 

Harry's picture

Or SO..Choose his ex wishes over yours . He out you in a unimportant place in his life,  he should want the person he loves at his side. Ex seems like that person.  I personally would not be treated that way.  Go pick up the car. Change the locks on your home.  This in not the relationship you want or need . He did it 

Shazloo1234's picture

It's been 3 weeks now since my SS was admitted to ICU.

Unfotunately his condition is deteriorating.

I have seen my bf once for less than 2 hours in this time, when I went to support him, take fresh clothes and collect the car.

We met in a pub just outside the hospital.

Last night he called me, in pieces saying the situation is not good. He was crying and saying he's not coping.

I said everything thing I could to console him. I said I'd get down to support him again but he refuses me saying I cause him more stress and anxiety?

I am at a loss.

I said in times like these he needs me, but he just keeps pushing me away. I asked if there is something else and he just shouted telling me to "not go there" and to "back off".

I've only ever been looking out for his son and him.

We've been through hell and back and always supported and loved each other unconditionally.

Now he's able to pick me up and drop me down and not let me be close when anyone would normally need that.

It's making me shutdown emotionally because there's enough anxiety and hurt around his son without him rejecting me in such a devastating time.

It's making me ill.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Please try and see this from your bf's side. This is not about you. His child is most likely dying. There is no comfort you can give him. He is consumed with pain and heartbreak and focusing everything on his son. You can't give him what he needs right now: for his son to recover; and it sounds like that is less and less possible. 

IMO, you pushing to be there is causing him stress and anxiety. His focus is his son and spending every moment possible with him. 

ESMOD's picture


I said everything thing I could to console him. I said I'd get down to support him again but he refuses me saying I cause him more stress and anxiety?

You know what?  NOTHING you can say will console him.. his son is likely dying before his eyes and he is helpless to change it. He is already having to deal with his EX.. and the situation has to be horrible for him.  You have already likely made things worse by calling around to see if you were able to visit.. he doesn't want to even think about broaching any of that with his EX... you have to understand.. he has ZERO ability to take on any more.

The only thing he wants to hear from anyone right now?  Your son is going to survive and be just fine.  Can you say that? NO??? well.. then you need to take a minute and think about why you are being so bullheaded and not listening to what he has asked from you.  He does not want you to visit.. is it because of his EX.. probably partially.. is it just because he is overwhelmed.. and doesn't want any distraction.. THAT too.  

What can you do?  Take his calls.. send texts to check in on him occasionally.. ask if he needs anything and then.. just listen.. and tell him how sorry you are that this is happening.. that's it.. about all he wants or can deal with now.

As others have pointed out.. not everyone deals with grief and stress the same.. he may not want to put his head on anyone's shoulder.. and the stress can't be relieved by you or anyone.. 

You have to remember that keeping after him about visits.. IS bothering him.. he is dealing with enough.. this is something you can unpack with him at a later date.. but now is NOT the time..

This is a case of you needing to read the room.. it's not the time to make it about your hurt or rejection right now.. and you have to accept that you don't have the ability to fix any of this for him.. so all  you can do is what he asks.. which is to listen without giving him more stress.

ESMOD's picture

I will say.. that I AM sorry that you are taking what he is saying as a rejection of you.. making you feel unwanted.  

It's unfortunate that the way he feels he wants and needs to deal with this.. and the way you would like to be involved.. are two different things.

I am also a person who brushes away people who are trying to "help and comfort" me.  I don't like to show my emotions.. so I don't want to be hugged.. or anyting.. 

Your SO is devastated by his situation.. there is no help anyone can give him right now.. so you have to be strong for him and let him make his way through it the way HE wants to.

Telling him you are there for him.. no matter what he wants.. day or night.. and that you love him is all you can do.. and you have to accept he may not tell you how important you are right now.. it's not personal.. he is overwhelmed.. and I know you think you can help.. but he has clearly said you cannot.

Harry's picture

Shazloo was under the impression she has a special  10 year relationship with her BF / almost DH.  That she was in the role of a DW.  His actions is now showing otherwise.  How can you go back after this.  His DS is dying.  One needs the one they love in these times. To help them get through it. He getting something from his ex. Not Shazloo.  
Unfortunately m it's time to reallocate this relationship.  10 years and not married ?   10 years and told to get lost.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Not necessarily. He may be wallowing in pain alone. When I lost my daughter, I didn't want anyone. I wanted to be alone with my grief. 

Winterglow's picture

Aniki, I am so incredibly sorry to learn that you lost your daughter. (((((HUGS))))) Words fail me. I had no idea.


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Thank you, Winterglow. It's difficult for me to talk about it, even after all this time. 

Rags's picture

We lost my youngest brother 53yrs ago this year.  He was 10mos old.  His birthday every year is both a celebration and a day of sadness for my parents.  My youngest nephew was born on his birthday within minutes of the same time.  That intensifies both the joy and sadness for my parents.

I am so sorry for your loss Aniki.  



ESMOD's picture

I don't think there can be any worse loss than of a child.  I mean.. when we are adults.. and it's our parents.. especially if they may have had some ongoing health issues.. it feels like it's more in the "normal course of life".. but when it's children.. it's out of order..

I'm so sorry for your loss.. you certainly are a strong woman.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

it's out of order

Exactly that. Thank you, ESMOD. 

Winterglow's picture

We don't always react according to expectations when we are in pain. When my mother died, I took the call and went downstairs to tell my daughters and husband. They tried to hug me but I wriggled away and yelled that they weren't helping me - stupid, inexplicable,  I know. I  have no idea why I reacted like that. Grief does strange things to a person.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

We don't always react according to expectations when we are in pain.

When my mother passed away, I cried a few tears in front of DH when I got the news. We had stopped at a wayside and I asked him to get out if the car so I could ugly-cry in private. I didn't cry in the presence of anyone else - I was the Stoic Finn.

At the funeral, both of my sisters were sobbing so loudly, I could barely hear the reverend. I didn't make a sound. My oldest brother apparently thought I was about to collapse and treated me like a fragile vase. Nope. For me, my grief is very personal and private and I hold a tight rein on my emotions in public. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm so sorry to hear your SS is doing so badly. Right now, you can only honor your SO's wishes. If he says don't go, don't go. When this situation resolves, whether with SS's recovery or death, you can reassess what to do. If SS passes, let your SO know you are there for him and want to help with the funeral. If SO doesn't want you there either, honor hos wishes.

This doesn't mean you have to feel ok about it. You must take care of yourself right now as best you can. Evaluate your relationship once the crisis has passed. Whether or not your relationship can come back from this remains to be seen. I understand your desire to be there for your SO. That's what couples do. For some reason, probably due to dysfunction that has nothing to do with you and existed before you came into his life, this isn't what your SO wants. I would feel the way you do. That your SO isn't allowing you to be his life partner. Because he isn't. But forcing the issue now is not the best course of action. 

Kaylee's picture

This above is a very kind post.

Some other posters here need to take notes from Rumpelstiltskin on how to be kind and tactful.

Sorry for everything you and your SO are going through, OP.