You are here

Adult Stepdaughter need advice from stepmums

Mystery23's picture

Hi all

The reason I ask is because I feel like I am under pressure for my son to call my SM nan. I don't feel he should he has nans a live. He is use to calling stepmum by her name now and just don't feel that I should feel this way. He loves my stepmum to bits but she is not his nanny.

I was at the local bus stop and an old lady who is a family friend knows my dad, stepmum well. So was talking and said to lo we go and see so and so now and she corrected me saying nanny. Also my stepmum introduces me to everyone as her daughter and for her she might see me or lo as grandson but I don't. I suppose maybe she is doing it to not make me feel funny.

I have now started saying to people that she is not my mum. I can't pretend no more.

Then with lo I am kind of torn because my OH would never let our son call her name. However when he gets older and understands the situation more if he wants too it's entirely up to him.
Then again don't want my partners mum or my mum to feel upset. As my SM sees lo more that both of them as we live close to my dad.

Jsmom's picture

Come up with another name just for her. It means something to her. You shouldn't diminish that. You are hurtng her feelings whether you mean to or not. I have a Step-mom, but she didn't come into my life until my 30's. I call her by her 1st name and so does my son. But, she is just as much of a grandma as the rest. Had she wanted my son to call her something else, I would have done it out of respect for my father. Not Grandma, but something. My Stepkids have a grandma on their moms side and a Sabba and Softa on their dad's side. It is a jewish name for grandma and grandpa. Find something else to make her feel special. You can be nice here and have it cost you very little.

sixteensmom's picture

I can honestly say that until this week and my disengagement situation, i would absolutely have treated step and real grandkids the same and spent the same money and loved them the same. Now that skids asked me to get out of their life and stop doing things for them so they don't feel obligated to say thank you it'll be hard to be FAIR. Maybe they'll appreciate me and what I do for them by then. If not, I can only do what I can do. I'm certain MY kids will ALLOW me to buy toys and help decorate rooms and babysit and their kids will call me NANA. With six children ages 19 to 26 it's very likely we will have a house full of grandkids in the next few years.

Ps the STEP label drives me crazy. Idk what would be better but if they call me STEP gam I won't take them anywhere.

Cdngirl's picture

It would depend. I know for me that I am raising my SD. My DH and I will never have children of our own so the only grandchildren I will have will be from my SD. When she has children I do expect to be referred to as grandma or some other special name. I don't think it would be fair to say to a stepmother, treat my child/grandchild like your own and then not allow them any of the perks. I mean seriously I have friends who have children and I am no relation however I am still refered to as auntie. If grandma is too much let your son and stepmom come up with something as the relationship is between them.

Cdngirl's picture

I guess to me that is it, she betrayed you. Now the question is has she betrayed your son? How would you feel if she didn't want anything to do with your son? It sounds like they have a good relationship and it is their relationship. It is hard to not let our own feeling play a major part in how we want our children to behave around someone we may not have a postive relationship with, but isn't that almost like the BM who doesn't want the SM and child to have a positive relationship because her feeling are being hurt. And I know what some will say, your SM wasn't good to you and you never did anything to BM. However I am just trying to have you see another side.

Jsmom's picture

My suggestion was to find another word that you were comfortable with. There are so many to choose from. Stepaside, I understand you have had issues with yours, but this was asking for suggestions. It does sound like your SM has had issues, but seems to be trying now.

As for the OP, she should just try and come up with a special name for her child to call her SM. That way you aren't diminishing their relationship and instead you are promoting it for the child. A child can never have too many people to love them and this way, maybe that relationship can be something special for both of them. When my son was born my mom wanted to be called GG for Gorgeous Grandma. Didn't work much to her chagrin, but she certainly tried. Be creative.

Mystery23's picture

My son is 3 and he calls my stepmum by her name which I don't think she likes. My dad has told me she likes to known as nanny. I said to him that I would prefer he call her by her name not grandma.

What made my partner funny was the fact his mother lived abroad and our son never saw so he was like thinking if his mum came over how would his mother feel if he was so close to my stepmum. This is a whole other issue but he already funny with how much I see my family and not seeing him mum as often hurts him. Even though his mother is here now she is going back soon in August.

My lo loves his two nans and my sm. I must admit he loves sm to bits he always talking about her etc.
If my son gets older and does feel to himself that he wants to call her nanny or something special then I would let him. I still don't trust her entirely with looking after him either and this is an issue aswell.
My dad wanting to take lo to seaside at the weekend and both myself and Oh said no. It's because my little brother is getting getting of my son being around our dad. So don't think it's fair for him to being the end of my little brother jealous outbursts either.
I'm not being funny even though i know my dad would look after lo fine just feel that something would happen to my son in her care. She can't control my brother

Although we get on now for me to approach the subject with her about this would be hard. She still makes me feel intimated and I'm 27. The way she is I suppose.

Mystery23's picture

I meant my brother is jealous of lo and when my lo sits on my dads he has to go sit their aswell.
I also forgot my partners mum saw this once and she took lo off my dad. I was thinking of doing the same as got a bit fed up with hearing my dad say u don't want to sit on me unless your nephew on me. My little brother is 8.

I think my dad must of felt funny and my bf mum said to him so and so is jealous of him. He said yes. Don't think my sm liked it.

Just afraid one day I will end up in an argument. My SM and I had a terrible relationship from when I was a child. She was jealous of me spending time with my father and worried about my son and his relationship with my dad aswell.
She had two grandson but don't see them often and my dad is all for my son but he does see his stepson as his son.
They called my dad once by his name and my SB went mad. The thing is with that is different. SB father abandon him and his mother when he was young child. So my dad adopted him and dad brought him up as his son. I can just be brought up as SM daughter as I do have my mother feeling to think.
When she visits me as I live near my dad. A lot of people know my dad, stepmum so feel very funny if someone comes seeing me with my mum asking hows your mum maybe talking about
SM. If dad didn't let this go out I feel fine.

JustAnotherSM's picture

I have a couple of perspectives to share.

First, from a grandchild perspective. Both of my bio-grandmas died before I was born. Both of my grandfathers remarried so my s-grandmas were the only grandmothers I had ever known. While my grandfathers were called "grandpa", my s-grandmas were called by their first name (taking the lead from my parents, of course). For one s-gma, she let us know that this hurt her feelings so we all adjusted to call her Grandma FirstName. The other grandmother never made an issue of what we called her, but we all ended up calling her Grandma FirstName too. It just seemed natural since she was part of our lives for so long.

Next, from a SM perspective. I recently posted how I will not be a grandma if SS ends up having a baby, but rather I will be grandpa's wife. I have been a part of SS's life for 16 years and I love him immensely. I will also love any baby he brings into this world. But I don't feel that I need to be labelled as grandma for the baby's sake. I have never been called Mom or any variation of the word by SS, but I still feel a motherly bond with him. I can also have a grandmotherly bond with his baby without having to carry the title of grandma. To me, the name is not as important as the actual relationship.

I think it's acceptable to have your child call SM by her name until he decides that he wants to call her something more affectionate.

Mystery23's picture

My sm and dad wanted to take lo to the seaside and we said no. We just really really overprotective over lo.
My partner just brought out a valid point that my little brother whom I love to bits is always troubling the kids my sm looks after. So I feel if he is like this what is he going to be like with my lo.

I am just hoping this don't cause a wedge with this grandparent thing for my sm. He

majones1716's picture

I didn't get a stepmother until I was 30, she is a wonderful person and I love her. Then I had my daughter, she now has three grandmothers and I feel she is very fortunate, most people have only two. She called my mom Bama(she couldnt say grandma when she was little and bama stuck) She calls here dads mom Bama Della and my stepmother Nannie. I feel it is fully acceptable and so does my mother.

majones1716's picture

now my stepkids call my mom bama and she doesnt mind and neither fdo their bio grandmothers

Thinkingabout's picture

Perhaps you could think of a name that would suit? For me, a S nan to be, the child will have its own bio grandparents. I did not do the hard work of raising the kids, now parents to be, and while I have a reasonably good relationship with most of them, it is a senstive issue that needs to be addressed respectfully. It is a privilege to share in a family... not a right. It seems impertinent, to me, to insist on the same status/name as the bio grandparents. So I have thought of a name for myself that draws from my own history but which will also ensure respect for my status as a member of the grandparent generation. The child will love the step grandparents just the same, on their own terms, whatever they are called, and will be all the more enriched by the good humour of the surrounding adults. Smile

sixteensmom's picture

I want to be nana to all my kids and step kids children. If one dares call me a step grandmother I'll kick their parents to the moon.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

I have disengaged, so I truly don't expect to be called "gramma" or involved in their lives. And, I firmly believe that is is the grandchildren's loss, but I simply cannot condone nor praise SD's life choices. However, there was a point where I would have been glad if they just called me anything but "bitch"! :0)