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Extended family drama

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

My truly wicked adult SD has turned my husbands extended family against me  by saying absolute lies about things I have supposedly done her. My husband knows they’re not true, do I let him defended me or do put myself through the grilling of his family? 

Rags's picture

You defend yourself as brutally as necessary to bare the ass of the toxic SD and confront your IL clan.  Clearly communicate your expectations of support and defense to your husband and make it crystal clear that he will have your back as  you shred his toxic gene pool if they so much as twitch in the wrong direction.

Zero tolerance works.  Try it.

IMHO of course.

In our life......

Before we travel to SpermLand to visit with my IL clan my wife and I synch on all of the most recent IL clan drama and put contingency plans in place for what we believe will be the most likely drama scenarios.  Rarely are our forecasts accurate but when we are prepared with some basic contingency plans we can adapt quickly to confront any bullshit... and there is always toothless moron bullshit to confront.  Just maybe not the bullshit we forecast.

 

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

I have been planning what I will say to my ILs if they do confront me but I feel no matter what I say they will take the SDs side as she is their blood

Rags's picture

challenge them to defend her poor behaviors and decions with fact... no feelings, no "yeah buts".

It matters not whose side they take. What matters is that they are not using their heads.  So go after them on that.

Each and every time they pull their toxic BS.

sammigirl's picture

When you do not react to their aggression and just sit there and smile; they wonder what you are thinking, what you are going to say, and what you will do next.  I love to see them squirm just wondering.  Silence is an excellent weapon.  I have never responded to my wicked SD57 nor her daughter SGD34.  They are vicious women and I will not respond to them, thus giving them what they want, a fight.  I just sit there and smile and sometimes just glare at them, without a word said. 

My SD57 even had a melt down and wrote me a 2 page hate email.  I printed it out and handed it to DH to read.  He was shocked and took it up with SD57.  What DH said to her, I do not know, I didn't ask.  I am totally disengaged and they are blocked from all of my social media, they do not know my phone number, email address, nothing!  It has made both of them furious, because I ignore them.  I love the peace.  They are now trying to be nice to me.  It's only to pull me back into their vicious circle, NOT happening.  I do not go to their family gatherings and they are not invited to our home for social events.  They call before they come to visit DH.  I do not hostess them during those visits.  It is working well for me.

With that said, I do prepare myself for the verbal attacks; it helps me not respond.  These women cannot help themselves with the nasty remarks, no matter if they are around me for only a few minutes.  Their mouths are in neutral.

(((hugs)))

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Sammigirl....I have always chosen silence in response to the SDs  bad behaviour to keep the peace and also because I know they would love to engage  in a war of words with me. But taking this stance has also made me feel like they just ‘get away with it’ and that they think I’m a weak push over. I feel like either way, respond or say nothing thing I can’t win

ldvilen's picture

It depends on what you mean by Win.  If you are thinking that you will be believed by everyone and gain the upper hand with your SKs, you are correct in stating that you can't win.  That all too familiar saying, blood is thicker than water, holds very true, and especially true in step-situations.

Because of the way our culture looks at SPs, you are starting out at a huge disadvange to begin with.  You have BM (or at least her memory) and bio-dad you are dealing with.  You have COD/SKs.  You have in-laws that may have already been put in a position to choose sides before you even entered the picture.  And, you have society's expectations that somehow you are supposed to make everything right for everyone pretty much all on your own, otherwise there is clearly something wrong with you.  Unless you at least have both your DH and BM to smooth the way for you, you pretty much can't win.  Ever.

Sounds dismal, but this is where you get to make decisions for yourself, alone.  I always say a SM has to do what works for her, because no sooner does she try or do something, then there will be someone there telling her whatever it is is wrong.  You see, in our society, it is also accepted that pretty much anyone OTHER than a SM knows how to be a SM.

So, do what works for you.  Disenage, speak with DH about it and agree that he is to take some sort of action, bring it up on your own with the parties involved to "discuss."  Tell them you are married to DH and will be at least respected as his wife, otherwise they can go to H-.  And, so on.  Do what works for you, because you are already at a huge disadvanage.  The only thing you have to accept is that you can say "No," even to your own DH, and that you will be considered Evil SM no matter what you do.  So. . . do what works for you and what keeps the most peace for you (and your marriage).  Take care, and best of luck to you!

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Idvilen, mmm that’s a good question, what do I mean by win. I guess, yes I do want the upper hand, I want to be able to respond to the crap they throw at me and say something that will shut them up forever and they leave me alone...  a fantasy right lol

For 12 years I have had a great relationship with all my DH family (expect SDs) and they know a lot of the hell the SDs,  along with their BM have put me through and they were actually sympathetic towards me. I think they appreciated the fact that I stayed silent, always forgave the SDs and kept the peace. 

Recently one SD in particular said outrageous lies about me and that was the last straw, I told my DH that they weren’t to come to our home anymore (which they have never lived in so it’s not their ‘family home’) and  DH supported this.  Once the ILs found out about this they have all turned against me and I’m waiting for the fallout from them. As you have said, blood is thicker than water and obviously they expected me to continue being a door matt and all the goodwill of 12 years is out the window. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

of  years, they likely have an opinion of you based upon their interactions with you. If you are meeting them for the first time, they may be swayed by the SDs accounts.

If they have interacted with both you and the SDs over a period of time, hopefully, there knowledge of the both of you will inform their opinions. If they have  experienced your SD as a liar and s troublemaker,  they may not be swayed by her telling

 

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Yes curious georgette you would think that 12 years of a great relationship with the ILs would cancel out the vindictive lies of the SD but because I have taken the step of not allowing SDs into my home anymore, any goodwill is out the window. 

A case of blood is thicker than water. 

steppingback's picture

I hope there are more pockets of support in the inlaw family than you might suppose. Definitely defend yourself if questioned at the next event. Keep an eye open for family members who remain silent and don't attack. They may be thinking more in your favor.

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

I hope you are right but I know my MIL and SILs are  really riled up and I’m absolutely dreading the next ‘family’ get together as the SDs will also be there, I will be the lamb to wolves