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Handling snide comments

Stepkidsfromhell's picture
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I have disengaged from 3 SKs, the only time I see them is if DH extended family has a function where everyone is invited  eg Christmas, Easter, a birthday party. I normally ignore the SKs completely as they do me but one SDs  at some point always makes a snide comment aimed at me. It’s  done subtlety that probably no one else hears it but of course I hear it loud and clear. I have always ignored the comments so not to make a scene at the host family members function but it’s making me feel like I’m a pushover and they once again get away with being a bitch. 

What would you do in this situation, continue to ignore them or say something  back and risk a ‘scene’  happening?

Kes's picture

Personally I would not attend any gathering where I am disrespected verbally by any family member, especially if DH doesn't defend you.    In your place I would be inclined to get a cab home if DH did not intervene on your behalf, as would be the proper behaviour of a spouse.  What I would not do is put up, and shut up.  Spent too many years doing that.  

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Unfortunately I have to attend at this stage due to having young children with DH. I take my own car thought for a get away but haven’t had to do that ...yet

Swim_Mom's picture

No way would I take that $hit - I'd  be ready and armed. And you should not have to miss Christmas or other holidays - I assume there are other people at these gatherings you'd like to spend time with. If not by all means do not go. But do not be pushed around and be ready to fire back what some stinging ammunition. It will be totally gratifying.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Swim_mom .. one thing good about attending these functions  is I know the SKs hate me being there lol

Curious Georgetta's picture

not create a need for you to act childish particularly in someone else's home.

Her saying something does not make it so. You are only being disrespected if you allow yourself to feel that way; otherwise it is just so much inappropriate noise from a childish person.

Your host have a right to expect you to behave in an appropriate manner. Because your step daughter chooses to be inappropriate does not give you an excuse to be inappropriate.

If you cannot ignore her inappropriate behavior, you should avoid the event. That, however, is probably her intended goal. If you otherwise enjoy the events just continue to go and have a good time.

I would not bother to tell your husband about such nonsense. That  reeks of a need to " tell on her. "  In my opinion, that too is childish.

You are an adult and you should have an"I've got this attitude " about such childish nonsense. You do not need a champion or supporter to handle such trivia. You can handle this.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

STaround It’s both, they say things when Its only me near them or if it’s infront of others it’s either iso subtle that it goes over others heads or if it is rude and loud enough, surrounding people just zip their mouth and say nothing. 

tog redux's picture

If no one else hears it then just ignore it. Nothing worse than trying to get under someone's skin and they don't even notice, so don't give her the satisfaction of getting upset so she knows her comments landed.  Or give her the old Southern, "well bless your heart!" which is really an eff off in disguise.

This doesn't rise to the level of needing a response, in my book.  Be the classier person.

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Tog redux.. so true, I know they want a reaction from me, they thrive on drama 

hereiam's picture

Just pretend you don't even hear it.

My SD once thought she was making an oh-so clever snarky remard towards me, and I just kept on doing what I was doing, without even glancing her way. I saw her in my peripheral vision, though, and she was very disappointed. It took a lot for her to get up the nerve to do it, only for it to fall flat. And she didn't dare repeat it, so....

 

susanm's picture

If there is anything a skid trying to get under your skin hates it is being ignored.  They hate it more than a toddler hates brussels sprouts.  

Harry's picture

You not understand her comment will upset her more them knowing what she said.  It will force her to make her comment more understanding to everybody.  It make her look like the sh*tty person she is.

 Think about it’s only four days to six a year you have to deal with her.   You are lucky by most SP standards 

You also should be supper nice to every kid there except SK

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Oh this is good! I can think of many times in the past I should have outed the SKs by asking them to repeat the nasty thing they said in front of everyone. If only I could go back in time lol. 

Yes I’m ‘Lucky’ that it’s is only a handful of times at most throughout a year that I cross paths with them  

Ispofacto's picture

This.  

Also tell embarassing stories from when they were littler brats.

 

simifan's picture

I would call them out on it. People like this expect you to be the bigger person and ignore it for social niceties sake. 

"Wow, SD that was rude. I know your Dad taught you better manners." 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Samifan... I agree totally! For years I have witnessed (and been the target of) their rude and obnoxious behaviour and people don’t say anything! They get away with it time after time. 

MurphysLaw's picture

Just say real loud

”WHAT DID YOU SAY??”

or

”Shut the feck up before I shut you up b!tch”

or

just head butt the twat

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Murphyslaw oh how I have fantasied about doing and saying such things !! Haha haha 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Murphyslaw oh how I have fantasied about doing and saying such things !! Haha haha 

Rags's picture

Confront it immediately when it happens.  Each and every time.  Baring the asses of toxic pricks changes their behavior.  Be direct, confident, and stern.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Rags I wish, if only I was a direct, confident and stern person... in my mind I know exactly what I want to say to the pieces of sh*t but in reality with any confrontation with them  I physically turn to jelly, I shake and my voice trembles I can barely get my words out. 

Merry's picture

Ever so politely, you say, “I didn’t hear you, SD.  Would you please repeat that?” Presumably you’ll be talking with someone else, who now will also heat her snark. 

She’ll either slink off, say something irrelevant, or actually repeat her comment. If she does say something rude, keep asking her more questions. “Why would you say that?” “I’m curious why you feel that way.” She’ll eventually be cornered or your DH will step in.  

You demonstrate that you’re smarter, wiser, and strong. 

Goodluck's picture

Dont be caught in the kitchen alone with them  either...

Its a darn shame their dad doesnt put them in their place.

 

MurphysLaw's picture

“Don't be caught in the kitchen alone with them”

This sounds like the intro to a horror movie …

”Don't be caught in the kitchen alone with them…That’s when they’ll STRIKE!!!…THE SOULSUCKERS!!!!”…In Theatres (and your HOME) this Holiday Season”

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

No I can’t rely on DH stepping in, he’s ignorant when it comes to their games

sammigirl's picture

I do not attend family gatherings and have not for 5 holiday seasons.  The first season DH attended SD58 and family without me, I went to my family alone.  It was not fun.  After that DH would not go without me, so we have people in to our home.  SD58  and SGD34 won't come to our home for gatherings, they are punishing DH. 

I have open house for friends and family, pot luck.  It has been very successful.   SD58  and SGD34  refuse to even acknowledge our event.  DH has seen their true colors.  It is not even discussed.

If you choose to go, I would call your SD out on her remarks.  With a smile say "Wow, what did you just say?"

Sorry you are putting up with this.  I did for years, not now.  My SD58  is now trying to be friends, when she visits her Dad.  I am civil, but do not, nor will I, engage with her again.  DH and SD58  are narcissist and nothing will ever change towards me.

The two of them are partners in a separate relationship.  I have accepted their enmeshment and have a life of my own.  Our marriage is not a marriage, because of my mini wife SD58.   My marriage is a  peaceful arrangement.  My choice, never will it be in their control again.

Good luck.  Hugs.  

Aniki's picture

Sammi, I'm with you in regards to SD23.She didn't just show her true colors - they exploded like fireworks. I will be civil, but will never again engage with her.

disrestep's picture

I know it isn't easy to have rude comments from adult skids aimed at you at family functions. I've had to deal with this many times, not only with rude comments made when only DH and I can hear for the most part, but also with the games they play. Games like always acknowledging DH when I am right next to him and completely ignoring me. I don't care anymore, it use to be hurtful, but you just begin to expect that as the norm. or the game of having busy body in law call DH over then have skid run right up to him so I won't  hear them...happens all the time.

What DH would say to his hateful brood sometimes would be things like, "you remember my wife Disrespect, don't you." when they played the ignore game. When they would insist to corner DH alone for a "family"'pic DH would say to me loud, "Disrestep come over here, it's time to take pictures."' There were also many times when DH would say he never heard the comments or would not say anything and just pretend like nothing was said. I don't expect DH to say anything  in my defense though, although it's nice to have a guy who has your back.

What I'm wondering is what comebacks can DH use or I can use when those comments are said to him. DH has received a ton of rude comments in the past from the adult skids, like "Your flipping wife has you by the b@!!$" or "Here is your holiday present from last year since we didn't get to see you" or "Oh how nice to see you, since we never do." and "Those aren't your words, those words are coming from your bleeping(insert swear) wife".

I've tried everything from being nice and smiling right at them, to giving it right back to them to avoiding them all together. What I find is less stressful is just avoiding them as best I can at family functions. That way they can spew all the hatred they want, I won't hear it or tell them off like they deserve. 

Good luck...do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Rags's picture

On the you have him by the balls comment..... "Yep, and she rubs them so nicely.  You should have your wife practice on you so maybe it will get that immature baby crap out of the way so you can get your head out of your own ass and grow up. When she does massage your giggle berries for you I suggest that she use a nice lavender oil with a couple drops of mint oil to give it a nice tingly cooling finish. Or better yet, have her use Drain-O so that you won't be polluting this planet with any spawn because I for one am tired of your crap and don't want you ruining the lives of any grandchildren of mine."

"Thanks for the gift.  I will tick that off against the XXX gifts I have given you over the years and the $XXXXX.XX I paid to your mother to support you when you were a snarky little shit.  So, when am I going to see some return on that investment demonstrated by you acting as an adult rather than a brat?"

"I wish I could say it is good to see you.  It rarely is since you have yet to grow up and be a respecful adult. If you weren't my kid I would punch you in the face for speaking to me or my bride as you do. Since you are my kid I will abstain from knocking your offensive disrespectful teeth down your throat... for now."

"No, these are my words but you are correct.  My wife and I discuss everything in our life together including how disappointed we are in how you turned out. Now, grow the TFup and be an adult or STFU because both my wife and I are sick of hearing about your childish issues yet again."

Just restate the comment directing it to them with a highlight of their crap.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

They will catch a clue and grow up... or they will stay the hell gone.  Either way... you  and DH win.

Just keep rubbing their noses in the stench of their offensive behavioral shit.  With some toxic "adult" crotch droppings it is too bad that "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" isn't a thing.  Retroactive abortion would solve so many problems related to the shit outcome of Skids raised by a toxic blended family opposition.

What is truly sad is that it doesn't have to be this way.

smh

 

Dash 1

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Disrestep your SKs behaviour is very much like my SKs..My DH was told to "grow some balls" when she was  told  she is no longer welcome in our home. As much as I feel like attacking them at the jugular I know it will fuel the fire and make them attack me more...so I guess its a case of 'silence is golden'

MissTexas's picture

I know when someone used to be particularly fowl mouthed, my aunt would say, "How do you manage to eat out of the same filthy mouth you talk with and avoid infection? I'm truly baffled."

My other aunt would say, "Your daddy would be proud. Why don't we go get him so he can hear too? I don't want him to miss out on what he raised."

Filthy talk is sometimes rude's cousin. They can be closely intertwined to those who are skilled and practiced.

It's happened to me personally, when SD decided to try to take jabs. The one time I elected to respond at all, I chose: "Fortunately my class level will not permit me to go to your level, that would somehow make us equals. I choose to scrape the excrement off the bottoms of my shoes, rather than wear it as an accessory."

 

Disillusioned's picture

Be upbeat, happy and positive. Don't for a minute let them think their snide comments bother you at all. If they've said something obviously meant to disrespect you, you can calmly question/call them out on it without causing a scene. Do so maturely and calmly. If your SD's lose it and make a scene, that's on them

For your part, the calmer, and more together/confidently you handle them, the less likely they are to behave like idiots (unless they really are that, and then hardly worth the time and energy you would put into correcting them)

CANYOUHELP's picture

My husband corrects nothing and that is why they behave the way they do. I cannot go back into the mess, not ever.  It is a horrible waste of my time and emotion to even have to navigate it any longer, seriously. They have an agenda, I have no support, I do not want to be there. Husband goes alone and if he ever pressures me to go, we are done. He can either be a father and a husband in their presence for ONCE or he goes alone as usual. Not betting on ever going back.

He does not have those skills, it does not appear. I found peace away from the dysfunction. When you are done, you are done.

I agree with Rags, isn't it a shame, it doesn't have to be this way? 100 percent.....

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Thank you everyone for the advice.... ideally my choice would be to never attend any of these functions but because I have two young children with DH he would insist on our children going  if I didn’t and there’s no way I’m letting that happen. Too many times in the past DH has sat like a mute dummy while SKs were mean to our children. I need to be there to protect them from their nasty half siblings. 

I think at this stage the best bet is to continue to ignore their petty Bulls**t . They are high conflict trouble makers and anything I say will just fuel the fire. Also because they love drama so much it probably bothers them more if I say nothing, I guess I still really get to them if they feel they have to have a dig at me. 

BUT if they dare say anything nasty to my children I will definitely call them out on it.