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Letting go of anger and hatred

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

After 10 years of hell from 2 SDs and 1SS,  I finally disengaged 3 years ago. Although it’s been great not having anything to do with the evil spawn,  I can’t let go of the anger and hatred I have for them over the things they did to me and my young children (their half siblings). I feel like  it’s taking over my life, I’m constantly rehashing things in my mind and what I should have done or said differently. I imagine comforting them and giving them an earful of what I think of them. I’m also angry  at myself for letting myself and my children be doormats for years  just  to ‘keep the peace’ Any advice to help me let go and move on???

ESMOD's picture

At this point, would confronting them help or change anything?  What do you want from them?  Would anything make you feel better?

This is a situation where you are literally drinking the poison and expecting someone else to die.  It won't happen.  Maybe you could see a therapist to figure out how to not let it consume you.

Because ultimately, we have to accept we can't change everything or everybody.  Things that are out of our control... we need to learn how to move past it.

Disengagement is that.. thing.. but with disengagement it's the "mental" "I don't care" that you need to work on... it's not jsut not doing things for or with people it's really not caring about them.

I mean, are your kids ok now?  Do they continue to suffer?  THAT would be something you could do something about.  Could you apologize to your kids for not protecting them?  sure.. maybe their forgiveness might help you heal.

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

ESMOD  you really put things into perspective ... in reality confronting them now would only cause a s**t storm of trouble and I’d have more things to be angry about. It would also show them that they still bother me which of course I don’t want them to know.

Yes my kids are ok, because they were young they didn’t understand a lot of what happened. I have many things documented that when my kids are ready I’ll let them know what their half siblings are truely like. 

The analogy of the poisen is so true! I know this and I really do need to get a grip because I can literally feel myself getting sick over it. 

Maybe seeing a therapist is the way to go. 

 

Inluck's picture

Part of disengaging is no longer giving a crap about how they might feel about something. Disengaging is no longer taking care of their feelings. Feel free to say how you feel. Release the anger and resentment. Take care of yourself. Stop taking care of them. Stop sacrificing yourself.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Inluck  that’s a good point about disengaging that I didn’t really think about ...yes I physically have nothing to do with them  but not caring about what they think or say is something I really need to work on

tog redux's picture

When people hang onto bitterness and anger, it's because they see themselves as innocent "victims" of the other party.  It's not healthy to hang onto that feeling of victimhood forever. 

You can change the way you think, and instead of feeling so victimized, see it as a choice you made (to marry DH) that had unintended consequences, but at least you've gotten away from them and can have a peaceful life again.

It's really about how you think.

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Tog redux you’re spot on about me feeling like an innocent victim... I absolutely did nothing to deserve the crap the SKs did to me, so I guess that’s what makes it hard to get over cause it was all so unfair... 

tog redux's picture

I think it's always really important to examine feeling like a victim, because it's not healthy to stay there.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

You know just thinking now about being a ‘victim’ I  actually feel really disempowered ... like I’m the weak one,  ‘they’ won,  they’re better and stronger than me  ...this is really  an eye opener for me, maybe I need to get out of the ‘victim’ mode  to help me move on.. thanks for this advice, very thought provoking 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

does the knowledge that your partner is very supportive of you help a little?  Esmods advice of a therapist is a good one.

when my step kids annoy me, at the time I am thinking ‘I really hope you have kids one day, then you will understand’. 

- I am currently disengaged from them. So it tends to be less of an issue these days. Every now and again feelings creep up a little. 

I know that my some of my husbands family are a little clique -with his grown up children - that it wouldn’t have mattered what I did, they still wouldn’t have accepted me. 

I think I’m more a angry at myself for being naive and not expecting it though, than anything else.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

DHsfamilyfromhell...the great ‘triumph’ out of all the misery I have been through is that my DH supports me 100%. He even supports my wishes that they are to not come to our home anymore. He saw my behaviour and theirs over the years and he knows I did nothing to deserve what they have done to me and realises that they are very much like the BM who is a very nasty toxic person.  In a way it’s my only ‘payback’  I have, at the end of the day they didn’t break us up or turn DH against me, that he in fact ‘sided’ with me. 

 

 

Rags's picture

I do not hate the SpermClan nor am I angry at them. I completely detest them and I always have.  Their crap is a consistent source of belly laughs for me as they always have been. In between having to bare their asses and smack them with the stench of their bullshit during the CO years.

Being cognizant of the historical crap and never forgetting is something entirely different than hate and anger.

We documented everything and maintained that documentation for a number of years after SS turned 18 in order to be able to give him the facts and clarity regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  He learned to protect himself from their crap.  How he has dealt with them over the years has given all three of us a number of belly laughts.

Give up the hate, embrace the smirk that they give you, keep your own kids fully informed of the history and facts as needed in order to arm them to be able to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted portion of their gene pool represented by their elder half sibs, and make them a favorit hobby. At least regarding their toxic history and continued effluential behavior.

It has worked well for us and for our son (my SS27, raised as my own and adopted when he was 22 at his request).

Take care of you, take care of your kids.  Enjoy the pathetic drama of your Skid's lives.  

Drinks

 

Rags's picture

Pick a suitable descriptor that shows how much I don't give a crap about them.
That will work.

I will go with not caring for their repugnant existance.  Or something like that.

tog redux's picture

Your endless posts full of nasty names and anger at them suggest that you do in fact hate and detest them. Just saying they have a "repugnant existence" says you hate them.

Just own that you still hate them after all these years. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be posting about them like you do. The opposite of hate is indifference, and I don't see any indifference.

mommadukes2015's picture

Mmmmm I get that anger. Have you tried writing a letter and burning it? Let all that vitriol out and then just sending it all up in smoke? I thought my friend was crazy when she suggested that to me, but I gotta tell you-it works. Do it as many times as you need to and when you’re done take a long hard look at why you’ve held onto that pain. 

 

I have leanred that often often it isn’t actually us-our real self-who needs the validation of our pain and our anger. It’s our ego. The truth is lover, no one can give you the validation you seek except yourself. Often our pain is rooted in that need to be recognized in a pain state-we need someone to understand. I recently was very very mad at my Uncle. I’ll save you the story-but I realized, I was holding onto this pain and it was poisoning me. I didn’t know how to let it go. One day I realized I didn’t want an apology. I wanted him to change his behavior. But his behavior will not change until he realizes it needs to change and that may not come to fruition in his lifetime. That’s the path his soul is on here and no amount of my suffering is going to change that. Nope. What he needs to do is look in the mirror long and hard and forgive the person looking back at him. Then he needs to wake up everyday and keep that promise. Whoever hurt you may not care they hurt you. But you can’t allow them that power babe. Snatch the reins back and realize you may be down, but you’re not out and you sure as hell aren’t them. Then figure out what it is inside of YOU that has held on to this for so long and forgive yourself for it. THAT my love is how you let go. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Mommadukes2015 Yes I tried the write it and burnt it, tear  it up, put it in the freezer ect  lol... it helps at the time but doesn’t last long. You’re right, I do need to take the power back and do some soul searching why I im letting this crap affect me so much... thanks for the advice. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Rags you made me laugh... it hasn’t been all misery,  I have had a lot of laughs over the years with the SKs ridiculous, pathetic behaviour, the bald faced lies and always a good laugh... the ones aimed at me, not so much but I’m working on getting over that. 

Rags's picture

Laughing at the pathetic crap perpetrated by the blended family opposition is great therapy.  I find that when the opposition is lying about me, the best thing to do is to publically compare what they are lying about to their reality. That usually shuts them up.

And it is so much fun to watch them squirm.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

I wish I was good  at confrontation and quick witted to put them in their place but my nerves get the better of me and  I literally can’t get my words out ... on the other hand they are the most obnoxious loud mouths you can find. Makes it very hard for me to confront them at all 

Rags's picture

I create scripts based on the behavior I have experienced with toxic people. That way when they pull more of their crap, I have something ready to reply with.  If you have a few basic ones you can quickly modify them for variables in the toxic crap the perpetrate.  

e.g. "Do you hear how pathetic and ridiculous you sound? You may want to keep your mouth shut in public so that you don't confirm what everyone is already thinking about you."

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Rags, I like what you say and have done it in the past.  Unfortunately, my T would break into tears and demand to be taken home (even if we were out in public) loudly.  Seems allI accomplished was making everyone feel sorry for her eventhough she was being mean and nasty to  me.

BUT, I like your style - keep it up.

Rags's picture

I am so glad that you are back with your family and have left DH to navigate the T thing without having to take on that toxicity yourself.

Keep taking care of  you.

Kes's picture

I actually did confront my SD24 a few years ago and told her some home truths about her behaviour.  It did help my feelings a bit at the time, and the situation was such (she'd just been chucked out of NPD BM's house for hitting SD22) that she had nowhere else to go and had to listen to me.  However, in the long run it hasn't really changed SD24 at all, and caused me such a lot of stress at the time that I'm not sure it was worth it.  I still can't stand her and I think she feels the same. So actually, disengaging is probably better for the mental health. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Yes I can relate... in the last 13 years I did muster the courage (I’m terrible at conflict) to confront (more of a meek talk)  my SDs about certain issues a few times. At first I felt good that I stood up for myself but the aftermath of me daring to say something  to them was unbelievable, the demons of hell were released and I paid for it each time with more crap from them 

Swim_Mom's picture

Not that I've done this often - in fact no particular example comes to mind. But why not? Smile Done the right way it sure would make me feel better!

Evil3's picture

Right now, I'm making plans to leave my DH after 24 years. My SD30 is such a hag and it would take a novel length post to describe the mini-wife crap and her relentless efforts to get rid of me, but I'll save all that jazz for another time. Four years ago, my DH jumped through hoops to make changes for me. Our marriage was fabulous, but I just couldn't enjoy it. I was constantly on edge and waiting for the next slip up on DH's part. I wanted revenge and knew I could never have it. I wanted validation, but whenever I'd get it from DH, it wasn't enough. I was seething with anger and resentment and just couldn't get over the past even though the last four years was great. I have no idea why, except maybe there was still a need of mine not being met. I don't really know. On Mother's Day, DH arranged for our DD19 to take me on an outing. DH felt that since DD was taking care of me, he was free to drop everything and pick SD up from the airport after a lengthy trek through India. I was so pissed! I wanted my husband with me on MD, but he went running to his "mistress" instead. I was so hurt, felt so betrayed and I felt traumatized all over again. I had to fake enjoying the outing DD took me on and I had to choke the tears back. I was in a rage and I was ready to leave DH's ass. Something in me really broke that day. Today, he does not understand how I feel so betrayed and why I want to leave. I've tried to tell him that if SD could afford a three week trip to India, she could afford a cab ride home. I was convinced that she orchestrated her return date just for an excuse to divert DH away from me. I know it sounds crazy, but the depths of her manipulations over the years has been unreal and I wouldn't put it past her to have deliberately picked that return date just so she could put DH to the test yet again.

In my head, I know that the kids can't count on BM. I had no problem at all when DH went running to SS to give him a ride home from the airport. Yet when it comes to SD, I want so badly for DH to ban her from his life. I know that's unreasonable. I sound like a crazy woman and it's to the point that I'm no longer reasonable. I see DH's side that he thought that since I "was being taken care of" on MD by our DD, it didn't matter if he was with us or not. He's jumping through every hoop to try to stay with me and I've given him an outrageous list of conditions and yet I still might leave.

Don't let this happen to you. I know most of this is that I just couldn't get over the past. I don't kow why. I'm in counselling and maybe it's time to switch counsellors, because we can't seem to figure out why I just couldn't enjoy my marriage for the four years leading up to MD, which when I type it out, doesn't really look like a big deal. Yet, I made it into a huuuuuuuuge deal.

Maybe go for counselling, because that festering anger will not die down and it might cause an explosion like it did for me and now my life is a mess. I even royally screwed things up at my workplace, because I had seven years of anger built up for those assholes too. I get to go on three weeks vacation knowing that when I get back, I have to relentlessly apply for competitions to get the hell out and I know that I'm partly to blame.

Sorry for such a long response. I just wanted to let you know what happens if lingering anger isn't handled. I really regret not addressing it when I first realized that I wasn't getting over the past.

piegirl's picture

I'm so sorry to hear this news, but thank you for sharing. It has hit home with me, perhaps I should think about taking steps now.

sandye21's picture

Evil, the MD thing might not have seemed so important at the time but it was the small straw that broke the camel's back.  I was like this for a long time after DH wimped out of supporting me when I was being verbally attacked by a man who was accusing me of something I didn't do.

For some reason this episode just hit me much worse than other times that he failed to defend me or at least show his support.  As a result his life has been a living hell.  I thought I had lost all respect for him.  Like your DH he was on good behavior but didn't seem to be too serious about it - not as much as he should have.  Then he backtracked a bit on a recent vacation with passive-aggressive crap - which was relatively minor.  But a strange thing happened at the airport on the way home.  When got up to the ticket counter to check in he said he thought he had left his passport at the motel.  There is only one flight a week from this particular airport to our home.  I said, "Go back to the motel and get your passport but give me the keys to our car (parked at our nearby airport).  I have things I have to do tomorrow."  The look on his face was priceless.  Luckily for him he found his passport a few minutes later.  It was certainly a reality check for him - and me.  In the months since we returned from our trip he has shown me that he is serious about supporting me.

Your DH should be able to see SD on his own and he should allow you space and extreme understanding.   He must also demonstrate to SD that his marriage to you - and yes, even Mother's Day is important enough to him that he tells SD she can get a cab from the airport.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

Evil I have read your story for a few years now I remember when you were in Honeymoon 2.0 phase, chasing each other around after DH finally recognized and admitted some of the crap SD had done.

However, it just never seems to stop does it?

My OSD (now mid 40's)  is so selfish and twisted that when YSD was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 5 years ago, OSD called DH crying on the phone that now YSD was going to get all the attention. I remember sitting there on the couch next to DH when his phone rang thinking that that OSD was going to be so upset and worried for her sister. But no - she was only upset for herself and the attention she would be losing out on. She was in her late 30's at the time.   I could not believe it when DH spoke to her; he knew she was unreasonable but did he call her out on it? Of course not.

Then came time for YSD's surgeries. OSD was in charge of assigning family members to stay with YSD after these surgeries. It was no coincidence that BM had 3 days with YSD, but DH had 7 days, leaving on my birthday. I didn't say a word about it, and when OSD and YSD were driving to the airport to pick up DH and called me to see how upset I was that DH was on his way there, I could hear the disappointment in their voices that they had not created another division between DH and I.

Ok, long story above. But where I am now is I won't put up with any crap. My kids are grown, so are his. I can afford to live on my own, so can DH. We have a lot of fun together and he is supportive of things that are important to me. In the past, DH used me as Sacrificial Lamb to prove to his babies how important they were. If that were to happen now, he knows he is out the door.  I have  a very busy fulfilling life, and if he is not my partner, he is out. There is plenty of time for him to spend with his kids and it does not need to fall on the date of another event unless they need for that to happen - and that should be questioned.

Evil, you are correct that your DH's True Wife arrived home from India and concessions could not be made. He had to attend to her immediately. 

 

somethingwicked's picture

Evil,I wish I could say ,write something to help you and free you from the pain and the hate ,the anxiety and anger that has made a home in your heart and head after years of being abused.That is what it was/is ~ emotional abuse from the skids with your DH giving them access and approval when he remained mute for too long or played Helen Keller refusing to see, hear or react to any of their disrespect towards you .

I wish I could purge all those feelings from you  and clear the decks , a clean slate to start fresh .A memory enema or something.

Sad

I understand your bitterness, the grudge you bear because there will never be any accountability or judgement where you get closure  knowing somehow, someway the perpetrators got their comeuppance. ;  never will you  square with the understanding that ~”You  tried so hard and gave so much and were so good ..you tried your best so just let it go”.That is because  there was such inequity and such blatant hate directed at you and NO justice .No One rode in on a white horse to save you or straighten out your tormenters ~those  adult skids and even the DH who by the silence condones the disrespect and delinquent behavior of his adult children.

Deciding  to live your BEST life is your best and  only “revenge” .If it means something  as daily consciously putting all the painful memories aside and refusing to give these aholes any more head space or any more access to your emotions do it . They are only ghosts  in the machine and you can banish them.

 After  21 years in StepHell ,now out of it for 6 come this Sept, my go to mantra is F*ck Them. 

 That is my quick and dirty personal  version of the Serenity Prayer. I can’t fix these crazy  f*ckers.So f*uck ‘em.

AND I KNOW  someday KARMA will gift them ~ and these self absorbed harpies  will meet a person ,an inlaw, a work contact  —someone in their life that will treat them with the same malice, disdain, out of left field unable to be explained and not based on anything tangible except that they breathe crazy pants narc logic. 

My DH learned he was out if he could not find his balls ,step up  and own his part in the creation of the monster “girls” . 

Do what you need ,whatever you have to in order  to  find your peace and closure from the painful and unfair  past that still bleeds into your now. Sometimes  the passing of time is all that is needed. And ,too,decide to  stop looking back only forward.

Big hugs to you.

OP same goes for you.Decide to live your best life and keep the negative out and far away..no matter who it is bringing it and you down . If that person is erasing YOU, the person you are , trying to manipulate and mold you into their puppet and won't stop  then they get the boot.

bedazzled's picture

I agree with you somethingwicked. I love your Mantra. I am to that point also. After 15 years of stephell. I am disengaged also.

DH created these monsters they are his and his alone to deal with. I have put my foot down. They will never step foot in my house again ever.I do not step foot in their homes, why should they be allowed in mine? I would not allow anyone else in my home, who has abbused me for many years, so just because they are related to DH does not give them a free pass. I put my foot down also about pictures of his daughter from H@LL's kid. I have never seen the kid. DH daughter lives in fairytail land that her Dad is not married.  I am not allowed anywhere near her kid.. So do I want his picture in my home? NO

I told DH why would I want to see a picture of a kid who means nothing to me, in my home.  When they have a picture of me on their matel I will allow one on mine. Nothing to argue about there  So no more pictures of some strange kid in my house. As you say F@#k them all. 

DH still lives in a dream world thinking it will all work out someday and we will be the next Brady Bunch. Way to late for that. They are his nightmare to deal with he created the nightmare. I do not want any relationship with these sick, evil, narcisstic people. SS is 33 years old. Had a girlfriend once in his life. She woke up and ran. He will spend his life alone. No one should have to be abused by him. SD is 36 she is the text book of a narcissist. If her husband ever cuts of her money supply he will see what he really married.

Put it where it belongs. Take it off your shoulders. You did not creat these monsters. They were created long before you came along. Put the burden where it should be. On their parents. Their lack of parenting created these horrible beings. If the situation makes my DH uncomfortable,, he needs to look in the mirror. He is responsable for the situation. He allowed it. I was making my self unhappy. I let DH put the blame on me. He could not shoulder the blame himself for raising such narcisstic children. He found a scapegoat to take the blame. I have removed myself from that role. He admits his children are abusive to him also. That is his cross to bear. He allows it. He will always allow it. That is his choice. I chose not to take anymore of their abuse.  The part he cannot get past is that he thinks others should be willing to accept their abuse also. Not just me but others also. 

DH will never have the "normal" relationship with his GKid. Not might fault. His fault. He could have found his balls and stood up to his children. He did not. He has live with what he created.

These people don't like it when you stand up for yourself. DH daughter has already moved on to her next targets. She will always have a target. SS now takes all his anger out on DH. DH choses to take it. DH is afraid his son will kill himself if DH stands up to him. Sad sad way to live. DH created it. 

The bottom line. These people with their sick dynamics cant face it themselves. They look for somebody else to blame for their sickness. Don't be that somebody. Their sickness was created a long time ago before you came along. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

bedazzled I could of written your post, so relatable to my life. I too don't have any pictures of his evil spawn up my house, none of his grandkids either as it just makes me think of the SKs. I love how you put it that these are his monsters that he created and its his burdon...I'll be using that one on my DH 

MissTexas's picture

"...DH who by the  silence condones the disrespect and delinquent behavior of his adult children." Very well phrased. My DH thinks because SD isn't coming around anymore, (narcs have to make it look like it's their choice, but she knows I'll slap a protective/order on her nasty ass. DH's way of handling things is to "not handle them." Sad, but true. At one point he asked, "Why do you want to destroy my daughter?" What? Excuse me? You let her verbally pistol whip me for almost an hour and DID NOTHING. Your balls retreated like snail's eyes, and you think I want to destroy her?? What part of his rational psyche thinks my objective is to destroy her? My only goal is self-preservation and protection, since he is not willing to set her straight, or confront her actions.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Evil3 I’m so sorry that you are going through this after so many years of marriage. On one hand I’d say to not let the SKs ruin your marriage but on the other ‘relalistic’ hand I know the the irreversible damage SKs cause. Like you, although my DH has ‘appeased’ me by not having them in my home, and therefor he also doesn’t have his grandchildren over, which is a huge sacrifice for him and backed me up in recent years when they verbally attack me. It has not helped reduce the long held anger and hate I feel towards them or the resentment towards him for letting them get away with everything for so many years

I also am constantly on tender hooks waiting for the next possible drama from the SKs. I have two young children with my DH so the SKs often pull the ‘we want to see our brothers’ crap which is a joke as they are always nasty to them.  Its purely to get at me as they know I will not allow it and it causes conflict between DH and I. I still have to see the evil spawn at my DHs family events, birthdays, Christmas ect and they always manage to make snide comments towards me and their half siblings (these are the only times they see half siblings). So there is always the ‘threat’ and stress of them always on my mind. 

I have also had my breaking points over what seems it be ‘minute’  issues but it’s a the build up of all the little and not so little s**t that makes one straw break the camels back

In hindsight I wish I had called out the SKS and BM antics right from the beginning instead of being ‘understanding’ and keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace...I probably wouldn’t be married if I did lol. 

At this stage I’m staying with my DH as we do love each other very much and the only problem we have is his lurking SKs and my hatered of them that is on a high simmer inside me. How I’ll get over it or if I ever will I don’t  know. 

Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you all the best and hope you can find happiness.. take care of you xo

Bethany's picture

I am disengaged and I am relishing the PEACE! One comment: it is usually the ex who insitills a hatred toward a step parent. Parental Alienation Syndrome....google this. it is very real and is a form of child abuse. MY DH agrees his ex has abused our grandson because we once had a great relationship, but she has indoctrinated him to hate me. 

My son is a loving young man who suffered due to all the chaos the ex created. She constantly wanted more money. I once had to PAY her 250.00 for an OVERNIGHT as her daughter had moved in with us and we were going away. She told me I needed to pay for the utilities her daughter would use at HER house. Mind you, she never paid US a dime of child support, yet we paid a LOT while the SD lived with her. She abandoned her daughter, at age 14, sent her here while I had my 9 month old to care for. She NEVER came to visit in 5 years! Her words: "I will not ruin my happy marriage for my daughter". This SD was 14 and very, very out of control. 

See a therapist. You need to be able to let go of that anger. Don't give them space in your head! They don't deserve it. Wishing you peace. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Bethany I totally agree that BMs cause a lot of the hate. The SKs BM is a true  narcissist and put her kids through emotional hell. Even though my DH and myself supported them through all the drama, we even had them living with us full time for years at a time while she chose boyfriends over them or ostracised them for some petty reason. But the sick thing is that they always defended her and went running back to her whenever she commanded. They all live near her now and  have over the top loyalty to her,  meanwhile Im the worst person in the world and their dad only gets a call when they want something. 

Thanks for your well wishes 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Bethany I totally agree that BMs cause a lot of the hate. The SKs BM is a true  narcissist and put her kids through emotional hell. Even though my DH and myself supported them through all the drama, we even had them living with us full time for years at a time while she chose boyfriends over them or ostracised them for some petty reason. But the sick thing is that they always defended her and went running back to her whenever she commanded. They all live near her now and  have over the top loyalty to her,  meanwhile Im the worst person in the world and their dad only gets a call when they want something. 

Thanks for your well wishes 

still learning's picture

Hello and Welcome OP,

Fellow SM of adult skids here and I completely understand the feelings of anger and rehashings over what could have been said or done differently.  We naive subsequent wives think all will be well because the divorce happened so long ago, the kids are adults, everyone's moved on, we can all be friends, I'm a good person so they will like me...  Stepfamily relationships are a minefield and you never know what will trip off some deeply buried first family issue that you had nothing to do with and had no idea existed. I was engaged in DH's family dynamics for the first few years but soon realized it was a game that I could not win. I only found peace when I took my "Queen" off their board and started playing by my own rules.  

The advice of "not caring what they think," is valid and a great place to start. It will enable you to remove yourself from their dynamic.  Next step is to focus on what YOU care about, your thoughts, you and your family's lives.  Your job is to take care o yourself, your marriage, and be momma to your kids. DH is responsible for HIS relationship with HIS kids, the buck stops with him.  

It's important to come to terms with what you have power over in your life.  Skid and first family drama = zero power or control so take yourself out of their arena.  Hyper focus on your own wellbeing.  

Even though I'm not an alcoholic, I have family and friends who are. I'm not particularly religious yet the 12 steps and Serenity prayer were very helpful to me and can be applied to any addictions, including addiction to family and stepfamily drama.  Just insert skid or whoever you're having issues with.  

"God grant us the serenity to accept the {things} (skid drama) we cannot change, courage to change {the things} (myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions) we can, and wisdom to know the difference." 

Step 1 of the 12 steps:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (skids) – that our lives had become unmanageable.

...If you're interested you can look up the other 11 steps as well.  This plus personal counseling helped me break free of DH's family baggage.  

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Still learning you’re  absolutely right, we can’t win..I thought all the same about being a good person, knowing my place ect ect,  they will like me but it was all for nothing. I wonder if I had been the bitch they say I am, maybe things wouldn’t have got so out of hand with them. But then  they’re the type of people that love a fight so again I probably couldn’t win.

I love your advice of the prayer and 12 steps, I will look into them. Thanks 

Nursejulee's picture

I have dealt with two horrible stepdaughters for 18 years and I’m going through rage and hate right now. I don’t know how to make it stop. Like you, I have just tried to keep the peace. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s a living hell. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Nursejulee it sure is hell. I tell anyone who’ll listen to never be part of a blended family. They are doomed  to fail, I’m yet to met a blended  family that works and is happy. 

piegirl's picture

Believe it or not I used to be a part of a functioning blended family! We had out ups and downs, but they were so small and minor compared to what I am dealing with now I wouldn't even bother mentioning them!! The BM was a lovely lady who had repartnered herself and was so happy to share adult parenting of her children with me. The BF (my ex) was the one who ended up being the problem...

I have told my DH that I never knew blended families could be so toxic before I met his wonderful and delightful offspring, because my previous experience was actually really good!

Sorry for the crap we are both going through now (hugs)

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Nice to know that they do exist. I’m sure that having a nice, decent BM would help in breeding nice decent children,  especially daughters

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

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momofoneboy's picture

It's kind of crazy. I have been with my husband for 30 years and the skids never really accepted me 100%. I tried my best to accept them though to the point where I kept lowering my standards to the level of a single cell amoeba. So much dysfunction and yet accepting that this is considered "normal" behavior. Oldest SD45, always in a constant state of financial drama, grubbing money, guilt trips, can't pay this or that (but always money for expensive parties, designer clothes, and leased vehicles in her driveway). Next up is SS43. With him, there is a giant pink elephant in the room. Everybody wants to know, what does he do for a living? Nobody knows, he has not worked a job in 15 years, lives with BM and apparently always has money for something.... hmmm? Finally, there is SS40, in and out of rehab countless times for drug abuse, currently living in a half-way house and put us through years of hell with the drama, money, money and more money.

My own son is 14, when he was younger he thought they were "cool" but now he is beginning to see things for what they are. My husband is afraid that if something happens to him, I will cut off contact with his half-siblings. I said I would never do that, but I did say that as he gets older is he going to want to hang out with them? The answer is no. What happens when he asks his brother "what do you do for a living" (drug dealer is what I am thinking?). Even writing this, I can't believe I went on trying to make things work with these losers. Why?

After 30 years, I realize, not one time has any one of them ever asked me how I felt, where I work, what I do, what I like to do, hobbies, etc. It's always an endless diatribe of "me, me, me" like dealing with 12-year-olds having 2-year-old temper tantrums. However, we are always supposed to support, accept, acknowledge, pay for, fix them. Its a one-sided gerbil wheel of dysfunction and I am getting off too.

My husband is sick now, and I keep thinking maybe now they will finally step up to the plate, nope. They can't even drum up enough money to get on a plane to visit. It's sad, really. I wonder how many years these adults stay in a perpetual state of adolescence? Stunted, still thinking they are small children and daddy is there to help, pay for, or pick up the pieces. What happens when daddy is gone? 

 

Mountains's picture

I have struggled with letting go of anger/resentment over the years towards adult skids and my DH.  I got some great advice from this forum on ways to move on and how to truly disengage.  The first step was disengaging from doing anything for skids.  Once I stopped doing things for them and expecting anything back (like a thank you), I was able to move forward since I was not getting pulled back into the expectation game.  Lastly, my DH finally understood his relationship with his kids is his responsibility to foster/manage/encourage, etc.  

It’s been 6 months since SD (60) has called or written.  I can’t remeber the last time SS(58) called.  We have a nice quiet life - although my DH would like for it to be different with his his kids, he enjoys the life he has.

I took it one day at a time and realized one day that the skids had not been in my thoughts for days.  Now, unless they reach out, they don’t enter my mind.  It’s alot more relaxing without that negative emotion.

I wish you all the best working through this struggle.

CANYOUHELP's picture

After so many years of marriage and complete disengagement I direct any lingering resentment toward my DH; more so than his brats. They are the way they are-- simply because they are allowed to be that way. HE could have corrected them, it was not my place--until it had to be...lol, and then it was all over. I never had any place...so this ts the best place for me to be.

 I have worked away from hatred to only feeling numb.  I seriously feel nothing now as long as it does not interfere with our marriage, I could careless. Now, if I see him sneaking the phone around and doing his stupid secret mess, I go back to feeling that tinge of disgust.  But, it is always directed toward him, entirely; and it should be.  Yes, they were horrible to me for years.  But, he sat right there listened and said not one word; he knew they were horrible too.

As you age and  remove yourself from the sickness over and over again, it stings less and less.  You realize the present you have given yourself to be away from the torment and toxicity. I think the worst type of exclusion has to be when your DH sits there and allows it to happen for--- any other person's benefit, over his wife.....not just his brats. And, "brats." well that is a polite description, forgive me....but you get the picture.

Being numb is good and it is a gift.  Being here is the greatest gift---knowing you are not alone.

Rags's picture

IMHO true relief comes from a combination of confrontation of toxicity and full commitment to deliver the toxic people clarity while remaining at as safe a personal emitional distance from the toxic crap .

Ignoring it just makes us martyrs to the toxic cause and enablers.

 

ldvilen's picture

Wow!  OP thank you for posting this.  It was very helpful, and helpful for me in making the decision to move on (to yet another level of disengagement).  You know, my SKs are not really all that bad; however, I have that dynamic in my life--manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell--enough to know that I have to either put up with it or get out (disengage, in my case).

Sometimes (maybe most of the time) the SKs' behaviors don't matter anywhere near as much as BM's and DH's.  But, since it has been set up by both BM and DH that whenever she (or SKs) are around, BM is the Queen-bee to end all Queen-bees, I can't be around any of these people who have no problem acting like my marriage to my DH doesn't even exist.  One of my favorite quotes is:  No one wants to just be an asterisk in the life of someone they are married to.  When I'm just with my DH, I'm not an asterisk.  When I'm with him and the kids and/or BM, I am just an asterisk, or at least I feel like one, which is pretty much one in the same.  

Wow! Momof, this struck a chord with me:  “After 30 years, I realize, not one time has any one of them ever asked me how I felt, where I work, what I do, what I like to do, hobbies, etc. . . . However, we are always supposed to support, accept, acknowledge, pay for, fix for. It’s a one-sided gerbil wheel of dysfunction and I am getting off too.”  I can make that same claim after 20 years, so I would imagine with things as they are, I could make that claim at 30 years too.

Let me put it like this. . . after I leave here, I’m getting a memory enema!