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Don’t want my children to see their half siblings

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 minor children together. I have put up with the shocking behaviour of his now 2 adult daughters from day one and recently  stopped being a doormat to them and ban them from our home, which they have never lived in. My husband agreed to this as the verbal attacks reached a new level.

The problem now is the SDs want my children, their half siblings to attend their  parties/function without me of course. I am absolutely against this as I don’t want my children around people that have abused me. I have compromised by allowing my kids to attend other family gathers where I am included just not the ones for the SDs. This is hurting my husband as he wants all his kids together and his family have all turned on me but I think I am totally justified and want him to support me and show the SDs that you can’t abuse ‘a mother’ and exspect to see her children when they want. 

Has anyone been in this stutustion, how did you handle it, am I right or wrong? Please help me 

Jzell67's picture

This is a hard one. They're half siblings so a relationship with each other should be encouraged.

what they have done to you is external to that. 

Youve banned them. That is the price they pay for abusing you. Not being banned from their siblings.

either you go with them (if they don't like that then no one goes) or you let your Dh supervise the visits. 

Without a doubt they'll try and turn them against you and paint you as the problem. Up to you and Dh to counter that.

 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

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Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Jzell67's picture

Of course it's just to rile you up. Wouldn't be genuine. They know it'll pee you off.

I hear what your saying re the DH's. If your not confident in him then I'd not want them to go either. The fact they have disabilities changes the dynamics. I wouldn't let them go either.

oneoffour's picture

Why would you put your children in a situation that will be uncomfortable for them? Surely they would question why you are not there. And who will be taking care of their needs and safety when their own sisters have been blatently cruel in the past?

I am sure your husbnd is heartbroken. But they are his daughters and he allowed this to happen as he raised them. 

when (na!) SDs show a change in attitude and aplogise properly and a few yrs pass by with consistent positive behaviour then thisngs are likely to change Until then they do not call the shots.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

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disrestep's picture

Of course you are totally justified in wanting your husband to support you. He is your husband, and last time I checked, a decent husband is supportive of his wife.

I would tell my husband how I feel, and ask him why on earth he would want his children to be around the toxic SD's. Who cares if they are half-siblings, the adult SD's do not sound like nice people. I would never want my kids around abusive people either.

Tell hubby either you and he go with your kids, or your kids don't go at all.

good luck. 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

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Curious Georgetta's picture

cares less about his younger children than he does about his older children and his feelings and wishes in this matter should carry as much weight as that of the OP.

It is natural and normal for him to want his children to spend time together and to get to know each other   The OP will

 Not want her children to one day think that they were not allowed to get to know thier older siblings because those siblings did not like and get along with Mom.

This is a difficult situation but there are 2 patents involved both of whom have the ecxact same rights to make decisions about this matter.  It does not sound as though  the siblings intend to in any way harm or iinjute the young kids.

It is unfortunate that they do not want to have a positive relationship with their SM but that should not prohibit them from getting to know and spending time what their siblings. These are 2 separate relationships. In any family, kids are often with 1 or the other parent at an activity or event and are not traumatized or enen concerned  that both patents are not there.

No matter the relationship between the steps and the SM   the kids are siblings and have a right to interact. The dad is not wrong in wanting to spend time with all of his children together.

The OP's feelings about the steps, although valid for her, should not be passed on to her kids. It is not a family legacy . The siblings should be free to form or not form bonds after getting to know each othet .  There should not be any effort to alienate the siblings as  relates to them forming bonds and relationships.

 

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

That was my initial take, but go back and read the additional info in the comments. No mother signs up her disabled children for abuse from anyone, including other siblings.

Her children are not pawns for anyone to use, including her,  but also not sacrifices so DH doesn't upset his adult children. If they are truly interested in forging relationships with their younger siblings, they can do it over a short lunch or dinner until they show their behavior improves and they can be trusted.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

curious georgette may I ask if you are part of a step family? I just found your comment very text book black and white. Anyone that is or has been part of a step family knows it is far from so straight forward.... not meaning to offend, just ‘curious‘

sammigirl's picture

Be truthful with your bio children and your DH.  Tell them you are not comfortable with them interacting with people that do not have respect for you, thus they are not respecting your DH or children.  Just say "No".  

I always believe in "parenting by example".   I have tried this forever.  My SD57 has had a few melt downs over the years towards me; I ignore her (will never forget), but I do not react to her or respond to her social media.  I believe I am showing respect through example (silence); this includes the way I respond to my DH.  It gives me the winning ticket, when I do not bring myself down to her level.

I suggest that you teach your children the importance of treating others with respect.  This is the perfect time to begin, with your situation.  Maybe you can teach your DH as well, by stepping in now and setting boundaries.  This is exactly why I am here on this site, to learn to take control of my own life. 

Good for you and good luck.  (((hugs))) 

sandye21's picture

By allowing your children to be around people who do not respect you and refuse to include you, your DH is also demonstrating disrespect toward you in front of your children.  Your DH should be ashamed of himself.  If your kids were adults they would be able to make their own choices.  At this time in their lives, this is not a choice for them, or your DH to make.  Stand your ground.

--figureditout--'s picture

My boys are 13 and 15. They have no contact with their step siblings. SD has major psychological issues (non medicated bipolar and SI). When she left our home she told outrageous lies about our family. The boys were told that when they reach adulthood, it will be their decision about contact.

DH has recently reconnected with her. I remain disengaged.

Rags's picture

The rest is just whinney bullshit from the toxic half of your DH's gene pool. 

Rather than lament not having all of his kids together, why doesn't your DH jerk a knot in the tails of his two elder and toxic crotch droppings and focus on a quality relationship with the younger ones who have a chance of avoiding the crap that his elder children represent?

Time to drive some clarity into the skulls of  your toxic adult Skids. They "want" a relationship with YOUR children yet they have shit all over you.  So now they have an empty hand of want and another hand full of the shit they have perpetrated. 

Let t hem bitch, moan and whine but do not let them off of the hook for their toxic years of crap.

I wouldn't if I were  you.

Your DH needs some similar clarity that if he wallows in the crap with his pig spawn he will smell just like them.

As for your kids attenting your IL clan events.... not without you. Your SD's and the rest of your IL clan need to understand clearly that you will attend every event that your children attend and will confront and shred any toxic crap anyone tries to sling at those events.  One of two things are most likely to happen.... there will be fewer and fewer events.... or they will keep their BS under the slime covered rock they inhabbit at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool when you are present.

Either way..... is a win IMHO.

Your kids are fortunate to have you and to not share the entire gene pool that their elder .5 sibs represent.

Take care of you and take care of  your kids.  Shred the toxic Skids et al.

 

Good luck.

pixielady's picture

You don't have to let your minor children be around people who HAVE ABUSED YOU, what so they can fill their heads with lies about you? If they ask why/why not, you can explain it to them in age-appropriate terms. And DH's "right" to have all his children together was rescinded when he didn't step up and protect you and stand up for you against these nasty people. They think they can jerk you around and have your kids around them when they want? No way.

ndc's picture

As long as your children are minors, I think it is totally reasonable to not allow them to go to gatherings to which you are not invited because their disrespectful half-siblings don't want you there.  Since your DH doesn't stick up for you, I wouldn't trust him to have the children there alone and prevent the SDs from bad-mouthing you or otherwise using your kids for their toxic purposes.  It sounds like you are invited and you do attend other family functions with the children, so it's not like you're keeping them from DH's family.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Yes ndc my children see their half sisters at other family functions where I am also invited and I can protect them from their nasty behaviour 

sandye21's picture

If this is so, if the skids see your kids at family functions, I can't see the skids point on insisting on seeing your kids at events where you are not included.  You are not denying the skids exposure to their siblings.   It just doesn't make sense.   It doesn't sound as if your DH has your back either.  I wonder what he would do if your family refused to invite him to events but insisted on seeing his children.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Sandye21,  I guess they feel because they are no longer allowed in my home they are repaying the favour which I can understand but don’t exspect my children to go anywhere  without me. Yes the SDs see my children 5-10 times throughout the year through other functions but they are pushing this issue to cause havoc and drama with myself, my husband and his extended family 

Harry's picture

your kids would not want to go anywhere there Mother was not invited.  

still learning's picture

Depends on the age of the kids, if they're teens they may very well be happy to ditch mom.  

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Thank you so much everyone for your help! These comments have brought me to tears, to have validation and support that the stance I am going to take is what others would do gives me such relief strength. 

I am yet to have the battle with my husband and his extended family about my children and I  not attending  an upcoming SDs party but I will certainly be referring to the comments made here to back me up. 

 

 

still learning's picture

"This is hurting my husband as he wants all his kids together .." 

Then DH needs to reign his adult kids in and put a stop to the abuse. He need to tell SD's that abuse to anyone in his family will not be tolerated. The reason they're this way is because he's allowed it for so long.  It's an unfortunate situation but since the children are minors I would not allow it either until the behaviors improve.  

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

You’re right DH didn’t hold them accountable for many years out of fear of ‘loosing’ them. I also let them get away with so much cause I tried to keep the peace but those days are over, I’m standing up for myself and my kids now and will not tolerate any rotten behaviour I expect DH support 

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

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