Meeting stepkids for the first time
After a year of many, many ups and downs (including parental alienation/ estrangement) from fiance’s children they’ve finally asked to meet me. To say I’m terrified would be an understatement. For many months these kids were told I was the one who broke up their family.
I don’t expect them to love me, but it means a lot that his son has actually asked about it. I know they’re meeting their mom’s boyfriend so maybe it comes from that place, but the way I see it if it hadn’t been for me, their mom wouldn’t have a new boyfriend. this is not actually the truth as their dad really didnt want to stay in that marriage for a very long time and yes meeting me was the catalyst but not the reason why they divorced.
They’re 6y and 10 if that makes any difference and our daughters are actually friends
Go Slow
Be yourself, let them talk. Don't try to be supermom. Let Dad be their parent. Good luck
I find giving that much
I find giving that much control, or any control for that matter, over adult relationships and the lives of adults to a 6yo and 10yo to be pretty pathetic.
What adult does that? That their dad abdicated that responsibility to children of any age makes his fitness as an equity adult life partner suspect at best.
I wouldn’t tolerate it if I were you.
It wasn’t’t his choice. Their
It wasn’t’t his choice. Their mom tried everything she could to get them to hate him. His son refused to see him for a few months. She was hurt so i understand it. She is a new relationship so things are moving forward,
Children under a Custody
Children under a Custody/Visitation/Support order cannot refuse to see a parent. Daddy should have nailed BM to the wall with a Contempt Motion and physically collected his kids per the CO. If that means dragging them kicking and screaming down the side walk as mommy is dragged away in hand cuffs.... so be it.
No kid should be manipulated as these kids have been by their BM. BM should have the biggest legal, financial and social consequence boot permanently up her ass for this crap.
Now for the catalyst for the demise of the marriage of BM and your SO. Were you a key contributor to that or did you come into the picture post separation? Is BM just toxic or are you the other woman/bio dad's extramarital play mate?
It does make a difference. If it is the former then you and SO have the high ground. If it is the later... you and SO will never have the high ground in this blended family opposition situation.
Oh no we’ll never have the
Oh no we’ll never have the higher ground. WE made the mistake of starting our relationship before either of us were out of our marriages. Sure that was only three months, but the damage was done . All kids know this was the case (his and mine) however my exH didnt bad mouthed me at all and my daughter and I have the same (if not better) relationship than before. She’s met my now fiance and they get along quite well.
There is always more to the
There is always more to the story which tends to come out in longer discussion threads. I am a comment on the information presented guy. Often that means I adjust my perspective as discussions unfold.
That you and DH recognize how you stand with your respective children regarding the demise of your respective first marriages is a positive for the long term outcome. The history of adultery on both of your parts makes the journey more complex but keeping well defined boundaries, behavioral standards and teaming as equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home will help.
Good luck.
But aren't you the person who did break up the marriage?
"...but the way I see it if it hadn’t been for me, their mom wouldn’t have a new boyfriend. this is not actually the truth as their dad really didnt want to stay in that marriage for a very long time and yes meeting me was the catalyst but not the reason why they divorced." If you were the catalyst, I think that means you were the reason.
You need to realize that the kids may not like you now, or may decide they don't like you in the future, if they perceive that you were responsible in some way for their parent's divorce. This doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship - it may take some extra time and understanding.
Love the Pleiades too!
Love the Pleiades too! Anyways, no I’m not the reason just like wasn’t for mine. I was in a very emotionally abusivo relationship and he helps me open my eys, i had been thinking of divorcing for the past five years. If I hasn’t met him maybe I would still be in that horrible marriage (hopefully not!)
Kid logic is not like adult
Kid logic is not like adult logic. They cannot - are not capable of - understanding miserable marriages in the same way an adult does.
A 6yo and 10yo takes as truth what their mother tells them - why wouldn't they?
So things are stacked against you.
Choose a neutral location and keep it brief. Even if things are going really well - keep it brief. Have a single, low-key, planned activity - do it and then part ways.
Yup, I know this for sure.
Yup, I know this for sure. The main difference between now and before is that they asked to meet me whereas before they were terrified of even hearing my name.