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Boyfriend's son (9) driving a wedge between BF and I.

Ruby77's picture

I just had a huge blow up with my boyfriend last night about his BS's (9) behaviour. I don't live with my boyfriend (thankfully because I would lose my mind) but spend soooooo much time at his house and am always told that it is my home as well. I'm starting to realize that it isn't the case and that I have no say at all in what happens there.

So my boyfriend was unloading a peice of machinery from the back of his truck. It was parked on the grass in his back yard and he was about to drive off to park it back in the driveway after we unloaded it. We have a very playful puppy that we got together a year ago and I was holding on to her collar and telling her to stay with me so that she didn't run infront of his truck as he drove away. The son saw me holding the dog and purposely called her to chase after him...right in the path of the truck. Now I rarely say anything to him about anything that he does, but as I was holding the dog, her collar broke off and I was holding on to her neck and he's still calling her to chase after him, even after he heard me tell her to stay. All that I said was "don't call her to chase after you!". I didn't scream at the top of my lungs or swear. I was firm. I think I had every right to do it! An aduly should be able to call a child out if it could potentially be a safety issue. Anyway....he ran off to his room and cried at the top of his lungs. His Dad went into the house to 'console' him because he treats him like a baby and told me that I yelled at him and he is now upset. Kidding me?? He says that his some is sensitive....I think that he is entitled and gets upset when he gets called out for poor behaviour. 

This kid is very defiant, rude and disrespectful. He does not listen well at all. He says 'NO' to his Dad alot which is a huge deal to me. Kids who talk back like that irk me bigtime. My DD (9) would never do that kind of stuff. She is in no means perfect, but she is not disrespectful. His Dad will tell him to go and have a shower as it is close to bedtime and the kid says no. Before this incident took place, we were driving and he was sitting in the front seat of the truck and for about 10-12 minutes, changed the channel of the radio every 3 seconds. He does stuff like this on purpose just to annoy others. Well, his Dad just lets him do it. No account of how his behaviour affects others around. I sat there and looked out the window and bit my tongue because if he is called out on his behaviour, he has a meltdown and throws a tantrum. He talks CONSTANTLY....has even followed his Dad to the washroom talking to him the whole way and then continues on when he gets out, he fidgits his hands, flails his arms, squirms and moves ALOT. We can't watch a show all together because he provides commentary and talks through the whole thing. My boyfriend allows this to happen. Again....not taking into account how his sons behaviour affects others. He is very socially behind in my opinion and no word of a lie, has no friends. I've told my boyfriend that I think he has ADHD. Truthfully, I think he may be on the autism spectrum....though I'm no professional, its kindof apparent that something is up with him.

Anyway, our blow up resulted in me driving an hour at 9pm, back to my house to sleep in my own bed and away from the chaos. But it has left me wondering (for quite a while now), if this is worth it. I can't stand the kid. I hate myself for saying this but I cringe when I know I have to be around him......this has been an issue for quite some time and I wonder if it is even worth it any more. The stress and anxiety that is causes me is incredible. I can't even describe how awful it feels to be around him. Unbearable.

I've posted on here previously....I think I just need to vent and maybe here that I'm not a horrible b*tch but a frustrated person who just wants a bit of peace in my relationship.

shellpell's picture

It's not worth it if he won't discipline his little darling. It will only get worse as he gets older. You're not a b for wanting your SO to be a parent!!

Merry's picture

Undisciplined kids grow into undisciplined teens who grow into undisciplined adults -- who live with their parents forever because they can't hold a job and take care of themselves. The poor widdle snookums, it's never their fault either.

Parents like your BF set their kids up for failure. It's no way to live.

advice.only2's picture

The fact that you state you don't ever want to live with your BF should be enough of a red flag.

tog redux's picture

Your boyfriend is the one driving the wedge, by refusing to parent his ill-behaved child. This will only get worse as the boy gets older and bigger. Don't put your daughter through that. Take the puppy and go.

Ruby77's picture

I really appreciate everyone's comments and input on this. I'm just at a loss as my boyfriend is a wonderful man, who treats me very well...but lacks severely when it comes to parenting his son. It's a sad situation no matter how you look at it. 

Picardy III's picture

If he believes his son's manipulative whining and obvious lying about you, he's not treating you well.

lieutenant_dad's picture

A wonderful man doesn't yell at his partner when she is trying to keep everyone safe and doesn't actually do anything wrong.

A wonderful man doesn't allow his kid to sit in the front seat, which is dangerous, and force his partner to sit in back.

A wonderful man wouldn't gaslight you by saying his house is also your home but then give you no authority within it.

A wonderful man wouldn't, after this many years together, still be making you cringe every time his kid comes over.

Exactly how many years does it take for a seemingly wonderful man to learn how to parent, because he has had 9 years so far and can't seem to even get the basics down.

YSS was a lot like your SS at that age. Want to know what DH did when he behaved that way? Sent him to his room. Made him take a time out so he could compose himself. Made him apologize. If he got sassy. ESPECIALLY with me, he lost privileges. And that was with DH only having his kids EOWE, and he didn't like having the weekends be totally soured. But, respect is a BIG DEAL to my DH, and he makes sure his kids show it.

I wouldn't call my DH a "wonderful man" all around. He's a good husband and father with his own set of issues. I love him dearly, but I'm certainly not blind to his faults. It would hurt our relationship if I were because I'd just build up resentment and attribute it to anything and anyone that wasn't him so I didn't break the fantasy that he was wonderful.

You need a reality check. He might have his good qualities, but he is a loathesome boyfriend if he allows other, especially his son whom he has some control over his actions, to be disrespectful to you AND THEN BLAMES YOU for their disrespect.

Bad parenting isn't some special category where being bad there doesn't bleed into other areas. You can't cut someone away from being bad at finances, or having a substance use issue, or having unchecked medical/mental health problems, etc. It's part of who he is, and if it isn't "wonderful" then he can't be "wonderful".

Stop gaslighting yourself in order to keep someone that you have strong chemical reactions for. That's addiction, not a relationship.

hereiam's picture

But it has left me wondering (for quite a while now), if this is worth it.

In your case, no, no it's not.

my boyfriend is a wonderful man, who treats me very well...but lacks severely when it comes to parenting his son

Being a piss poor, Disney parent, will eventually lead to him NOT treating you well.

Winterglow's picture

Your dog is at least a year old and, playful or not, needs to learn to obey. Time for some doggy training!

Rags's picture

Wonderful men do not raise defiant, rude, and disrespectful children.

You need to significantly raise your standards of wonderful.

Take care of you. Leave this failed man, failed husband, failed father, and failed partner and his shallow and polluted gene pool, take your puppy, and get on with your life.

Be good to you.

Ruby77's picture

I am not one to think too far in the future. I try to live my life day to day and in the present moment, but my biggest fear out of everything is that his son will never leave the house. He'll be the 40 year old who still lives at home and his Dad wouldn't ever kick him out or tell him the grow up and get a place if his own.