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Anybody else delaying completing their family?

Blondylady's picture

Posting this as most of my friends are single and childless so do not understand where I
Am coming from. As a lot if women here are in similar situations to myself, I would appreciate any advice. So a little background. I'm 29 and I've been with so for 3 1/2 years now living together for a lot of this time. So has two children by 2 BMs - first pregnancy happened when he was young however both pregnancies were unplanned. So is a great dad to child1 who we get every weekend (lots of issues here but not really relevant to this particular post) and does not see child2 as the relationship with bm was very toxic however he always pays his child support plus extra each month. Anyways I guess the situation with child2 affects our future quite a lot. There are many reasons why I probably shouldn't want a child with this man (please don't mention his past discretiona as they were only fleeting relationships certainly not lasting for over 3 years and living together) so this would not impact upon my decision. However the financial implications of this do in that my best friend once told me "you will always be like a single mother financially because all his money will go to these other two kids and you'll end up paying for everything for yours'. I also have experienced similar worries to other posters here as to my child not being as special as very spoiled ss. Anyway despite this lately all I think about is having a baby. I had initially met so living abroad with a very lavish and party lifestyle. However we moved back to our homeland so he could be with his son and life has become full of responsibilities and routines which is fine and is not the issue. However because of this it has made me want my own baby very badly. It kills me at times to think two other women have carried his baby and makes me very sad. However so does not want another baby. He says it is for the foreseeable future but I wonder if it is longer than that because he constantly makes remarks about his friends having babies now and how happy he is that ss is older. I guess my biological clock is ticking and I become resentful that I am sat in most Saturday nights with "family time" yet I am being deprived of the unconditional love of my own child like so has. It makes me jealous of so and ss and very resentful especially at weekends. Anybody experience anything similar or overcome such feelings? I feel so lost and sad Sad

Rags's picture

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds from your post that it certainly could be.

As a no BKs StepDad married to a former single teen mom I can tell you that there are other issues involved with the StepFamily situation. Primarily the one your SO mentions about all if his friends having kids and he is glad that his are older. The problem is that when his kids are grown his friend's kids won't be and it will be very difficult to synch with his friends.

Our son (my SS) was the only kid in our group of friends for the first few years and the only kid in either my family or my bride's family for the first few years of our marriage.

Now we are the only empty nesters in our group of friends or in either my family or my brides.

Not something that most people consider but it is difficult to spend time with friends and family unless you participate in kid related activities which for even younger empty nesters (my DW is 37 and our son is 21) can get old as we are past the kid focused years of our lives and our marriage while our friends and sibs are all in the throws of kid stuff and will be for at minimum another 17+ years depending on which couple we consider.

I would suggest that you keep this in mind as another decision point in your consideration as to whether to stay and have kids with your SO or to find a more comfortable fit for a mate.

Good luck.

Disneyfan's picture

He doesn't want any more children.

Many men will keep that piece of information under wraps unyil after the marriage. Your SO was honest enough to reveal that now. If having children is important to you, you have to accept that this may not be the man for you.

Blondylady's picture

Thank you so Much for the feedback, I do try to take It all on board. I question what you say about him not being the man for me and then this happens. I'm visiting my parents for a few days and so texts very short msgs. Obv I'm aware he has spoiled ss11 for the weekend. Today he rings me at 745 and I don't answer because I'm a bot annoyed. When I call him out on it his response is he's playing xbox with skid. Fml sometimes seriously. Why would I want a baby when there's already two babies under my roof eugh.

Bojangles's picture

If you feel your biological clock ticking now it will only get louder over the next few years. What I get from your post is that you want, and will soon need the fulfilment of having your own child. You have all the disadvantages of a domesticated kid-centric lifestyle with none of the benefits of having your own child to love.

Your SO is at best reluctant and at worst strongly opposed to having another child. You need to have the big conversation with him where you tell him that you are now certain that you want a baby of your own, and that you need him to make a decision about whether he can do that with you or not. If he can't then he's asking you to sacrifice having children for him, while he continues to enjoy the experience of being a father. The relationship won't be worth it , and you will have to make it clear that much as you love him he cannot give you what you need. If he comes back and say 'I won't rule it out, MAYBE I'll feel differently in a couple of years' then that is No, disguised as maybe because he does not want to lose you.

truffle_shuffle's picture

Wow, I'm so relieved to have found this post - apparently I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I apologize if I'm piggybacking on this post, but I live with my boyfriend, who has a 6-year-old son from a previous marriage. We have him half of the week, and while things go pretty smoothly, I can't help but sometimes feel left out in the equation. We have fun times together, but he will never be mine. Bojangles' description hit the nail on the head: "You have all the disadvantages of a domesticated kid-centric lifestyle with none of the benefits of having your own child to love."

My boyfriend is a good man and I love him dearly. If things progress as it seems they will, I imagine we will be married someday. And several times throughout our relationship, he has mentioned that he never wanted just one child - he always imagined having more. Not long ago, we were cleaning and organizing the house, and he didn't want to get rid of some of the baby stuff he still has, like a playpen and a stroller. So it appears that he may want to have more children.

Here's my predicament - the sun rises and sets on his son. The universe revolves around his son. The bragging about his son is endless. No one else's kid is as brilliant or as cute or as funny as his son. My fear is that if we have a child together, will that child ever measure up? Or will that child constantly be in the shadow of his flawless son? As much as I love this man, right now, I'm a bit hesitant to have any children with him.

Has anyone been there or have any advice?

Thanks in advance!

Bojangles's picture

Only children do tend to be doted on by their parents, but that's no indication that your DH will only have eyes for his first child if you have children together, especially if he is actively keen to have more children with you. You're not talking him into it, he's emotionally invested in having another baby. And believe me when you have your own baby you will think the sun rises and sets on him/her! I have a 2,4 and 6 year old, I adore ALL of them, and so does DH.

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

I'm always scared of DH neglecting our future children! I have an uncle who loved all his children but his first born from a previous marriage received preferential treatment 100% of the time.
It's ironic because my DH also has a step brother (SB) and DH resents his own dad for treating him and his sisters differently from their step bro. He felt SB was always given a free pass and held to different (lower) standards and DH was often over looked and ignored at times.
DH swears he would never repeat his dad's mistakes but it's easier said than done. No one does this intentionally. When you've become so attached emotionally to your first born AND feel guilt because of the divorce, you naturally want to overcompensate. When other kids come into the equation, you might feel the need to show more attention to first kid so they don't feel left out.
I have this nagging feeling that history might repeat itself and DH will become his father. No one knows the future but I am hesitant as well to have more kids precisely because of this.
Because we are adults and can adjust to being second fiddle to their precious angels but our kids should NOT be second or third fiddle!

Esmerelda's picture

I have been struggling with this for a long time. I'm 30, with SS18 and SD16. Hubby had the kids in a stable relationship but it didn't work. They moved in with us full time 3.5 years ago with zero chid support from the BM. Being young, have been building up my career and savings and spending it all on the kids because of necessity, not because I love them pieces. I like them, I don't love them. They are really bad housemates more than anything. My husband doens't really want more kids, especailly as they are getting old enough to move out. But he also recognises that he doesn't want to be the reason that I don't have my own children, especially with all the work I've put into his kids. We tried for a baby this year for all of 2 months before I got cold feet. Thankfully I didn't get pregnant bc I don't think I want them now. I crave the freedom that I would give up if we were to have a child. But I also know that if he didn't have children, we would already have had our own. It sucks to make YOUR life decisions based on someone else's mistake, but its the reality as well.
I dont' know if your man will change his mind, but if his kids are younger, it won't be too much of a stretch to have another little kid running around. The problem I faced was they were young adults already, which was hard enough. Good luck making the decision.

sbm014's picture

Yep! DH has gotten baby fever lately and I would love it to but I am fighting it off.

At this point there is to much going on with BM and SS. BM has been playing games with SS major mind you I know that it will happen even more when I get pregnant however at this time I wanting to deal with the additional drama...even though even SS said last night he wanted a baby in the house I feel like that was on a whim because of DH's bestfriend brining a baby over.

I feel like I have to do additional planning both financially and mentally to be able to give birth to a child for DH - especially as I have additional female issues the mental preparedness is way not where it needs to be, and DH needs to wait for SS to be more independent.

I hate having to wait I would love a child right now I just guess I am trying to be more logical.

Blondylady's picture

Thanks for the feedback and bojangles I think you really hit it on the head when you spoke if all the disadvantages of domesticated life. I suppose this ties in quite nicely with one of the other posts entitled "ever feel you pay for your so/Dhs mistakes".

Executivestepmother's picture

I have been on the fence about having my own because I how little I enjoyed having SD around. Most of the time I was wishing her away! Still do sometimes. When you have a kid, you know you can get his child support amounts amended. He should want to put money towards his legitimate family too. My husband and I won't request his support amended, but then again, BM knows she won't be getting a dime more over here until she acts responsible.

I never wanted to have any kids until I married my husband, and now I want my own. I'm actually sad that it won't be a first born. I will never have a first born. I also, don't like hearing about SD when she was a baby or BM when she was knocked up. Those topics aren't allowed in my house! I don't care about SD before age 4, and I don't care what he knows about chicks being knocked up. If he wants to have one with me... that never happened and she needs to keep it to himself. It's the past, and we are in the very bright future!

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

I'm glad you decided to put an end to " when SD was a baby" crap!
I would listen patiently but now I quickly change the topic. SD herself LOVES to bring every convo about any baby back to HER and how she was as a baby :sick:
I'm sure all those memories will be revisited if we ever have a baby together.
It's true that our kids will never be their first born but honestly, I don't care because they'll still be OUR first born and loved just as much by us!
I think it would be wise to mention to DH (when you have a baby in the future) that SD had her time in the limelight and didn't share it with anyone and now it's our newest baby to have his/her special attention. Please don't bring up or compare SD to our baby because that's taking away from this experience!

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

Aww sending you a virtual hug!
I know exactly how you feel girl! I've had crazy baby fever for the last 2 years.
Every time a friend or family member announces their pregnancy, I start sobbing like a little girl! Trust me, i KNOW how you feel.
I'm happy of course but also want to experience it for myself. I want a baby with DH but still scared that DH might treat SD and our kids differently. Hang in there and good luck! May God make it easy for you!

derb84123's picture

I am currently pregnant with my first. (still in this forum bc I'm still not a 'mom' yet). My sks live with dH and I, but visit BM EOWE. We waited 6 years to try... and for a while I still wasn't sure it was the right call. I will 100% agree with the post above about friends. DH had SS at 16. I am 28, and my friends are JUST NOW starting to have kids, most arent even there yet. Even with my friends who have babies/toddlers, sks are just too old to be around them- yet none of our friends have older kids. I am really excited to have this baby (for a lot of reasons) but one being to finally feel comfortable to hang out with friends who have kids.

I totally get your feelings of having the bad parts of parenthood (low finances, staying in all the time) wihtout having a child of your own. It sucks. There is no other way to say that. Some people can hack it the whole way through sks lives and then get to enjoy the freedom of an empty home. For me, it wasn't going to happen. I am caring for my sks more than either bio most of the time, but I still dont get the "love" that the abusive crazy lady gets (there are reaons kids live with us). It's partially selfish, but I wanted that.

As the post above says, only you know what is a deal breaker for you. I can say now that we are actually doing it, I am really glad we chose to have another