Problems. (First post)
Hello! I heard about this site from my cousin, who lurks on here a lot. She's not registered, but I thought it would be good to tell you about my situation and get some advice.
I'm pregnant. It's been an easy pregnancy health-wise, but on the other hand the situation around me is terrible. My husband has 3 daughters. Their mother is really not much of a problem, she has her own life, is remarried to a man that seems nice also, and does not meddle in ours like many mothers of stepkids on this site do. She seems normal, I've seen her a few times and she was rather polite. I don't think she's alienated the kids because the oldest SD has not been spekaing to her mother for a very long time, even before than she started causing me problems.
My husband has 3 daughters from his marriage with their mother. The oldest one, who is 18, comes less often than the younger ones, but she still manages to cause problems. The middle child is 14 and the youngest is 12.
I am due soon, and I've been having some problems with my husband. I want to have my mother over when I come from the hospital, because my husband does not know how to care for a baby. I will be too tired and I also want some instructions from my mom. I don't think it's unreasonable to have her for like 5 days. I figured that step daughters could come over at least a week after the baby was born. I would maybe want them over earlier but they're horrible to me and I don't need extra stress and trouble, at least for a week after giving birth to my baby.
My husband however wants them over the day I arrive from the hospital. I asked him to please take into consideration my feelings, but he says it's his baby as much as it is mine and he has a right to decide who will come into our home to see the baby as much as I do. But it is different. My mother would be helping, his daughters would be taking away his attention and he'd be unable to help me since they demand royal treatmant. And they don't even care about the baby, they will just cause drama and problems like usual. And he will not stop them, he never does. They are perfectly capable of helping me, they are smart, rather responsible, really they could help, but they do not want to. They don't want to help me, and they do not want to help the baby. Especially not help ME with the baby. And he won't make them which is ok, but I want them to wait at least a WEEK. It's my first baby and I want to get used to all of the stuff that I will be dealing with.
I need my mom to help me because my husband did not help to care for SDs as babies, only occasionally put them to sleep and he will not be helping with our baby because he does not know how to. So I want my mom to be there to help. He wants his daughters to be there. It'd be okay if they weren't troublemakers, but they always cause problems. ALWAYS when they're here.
Is it so bad to ask for a week with my baby? My first baby, to learn and to bond? Am I being unreasonable, unfair?
Please give me advice. I need other people to tell me because I can't tell who is right. 
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Comments
Yeah I think he should learn
Yeah I think he should learn along but he doesn't really plan to. But I wish he would. :?
I agree with tlane's
I agree with tlane's suggestion that maybe the girls could come spend a few hours to see the baby. I don't think it needs to be the day you come home from the hospital, as you will need your DH's attention & help.
Maybe after a couple of days they could come spend a few hours with your DH & the baby while you get some needed rest. I don't think that would be a lot to ask. Your child will be their sibling, & I imagine they'll be excited & anxious to meet him/her.
As far as your mom coming to help out for a week, I think having the help would be beneficial.
Just a sidenote: You mentioned that your DH doesn't know how care for a baby. Don't let that be a reason for him not to pull his weight. You'll be exhausted. Caring for babies is not the task that caring for toddlers is. Be sure to turn some time over to him to care for the baby & you take time out for yourself in your recovery.
It's not a lot to ask, if it
It's not a lot to ask, if it was a good situation. But they're not excited and anxious, they hate me, they hate the fact I'm pregnant and they are not very interested in the baby or meeting it.
They come over for money and fun which is pretty obvious because the second they run out of things to do or money to spend, they start trying to leave. They definitely don't want to spend time with the baby or even see it, that's what they said. They are actually trying to make plans what to do when they come over, even though it's gonna be the first days after the baby is born and it'd be logical that we don't do anything special. But my husband seems to think it's okay that they go do something completely unrelated to the baby.
He doesn't know how to care for a baby, that's why we made a deal that he does stuff around the house that I normally would while I care for our baby.
Yeah, we're having the same
Yeah, we're having the same problem. I hope this resolves somehow, I don't want to lose my husband but it's hard dealing with his daughters generally, let alone a few days after giving birth, and having a newborn to care about.
I don't think your asking a
I don't think your asking a lot at all! If he keeps being an arse go to your mans when you get out, I'm sure that would put the message out there. I hope it sorts itself out, thy might stop coming over once your baby comes due to crying disrupted sleep etc!
"If he keeps being an arse go
"If he keeps being an arse go to your mans when you get out"
Go where?
If you meant moms, even if I went he'd take the baby for half of the time so I don't think that'd help me.
I have a feeling if he lets
I have a feeling if he lets them come over, they will take one look at you and the baby and be uninterested and probably want to leave anyway. I'm sure they won't want to hang around. My SD was 11 when BD4 was born and she never even looked at her. SD lives with us and she did everything she could to not be in the house for the first few months!!
Your DH should learn how to do things for the baby because then its all gonna fall on you and that is not fair to you.
He'll help around the house.
He'll help around the house. Well he said he will.
SDs may not interact with the baby, actually probably won't, but they'll be bitchy to me like usually and that's stress that I don't want to deal with. At least not just after birth. I want it to be a happy time.
If they come, they will not
If they come, they will not only not enjoy helping me, they will not help me at all. They made that pretty clear.
Their visit would not be helpful, it would be stressful and annoying.
They said, in front of dad and me, that they will not be buying anything. "Your baby, you buy it stuff. Not our fault you're having a kid, not our responsibility to buy it anything". And their father told them to be nicer. They didn't become nicer.
I'm not sure if it'd help to ask them.
The needed items will be bought by my husband because they are not interested in helping us. Even if he made them go with him, they wouldn't be picking anything, they'd be bitching around that they are not doing what they feel like. Any time my husband doesn't put them on a pedastal, they get pissy.
He's sure going to be buying stuff, I'm not letting him get out of that, but the skids won't be involved. I just wish they actually were a bit more positive towards their half sibling. It's innocent and doesn't deserve to be ignored by it's half sisters.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable. Your DH is...ALL THE WAY. Have your Mom come as planned and tell him they can come later and that is FINAL. You SO don't need this kind of anxiety being close to term and trying to focus on your first child.
I can't tell him that it's
I can't tell him that it's final, he doesn't agree with my plan and wants to bring SDs as usual.
I agree with you,
I agree with you, completely.
But he says that it's not abnormal to have his children and the baby's siblings around. He says that they are not visiting the baby, they're just coming to their home. I understand he feels this way, but why can't he understand how I feel.
If I were in this
If I were in this situation...I would trust my instincts & say they can come to meet the new baby to individually say "hello, i'm your new sister ______" for a half hour & then leave. Then I would like my time alone with my baby for however long it took to get my head around how to fit this new innocent one into my life, my husbands life & both of our lives regardless of what anyone else feels or says. If your SDs develop resentments, they will anyway regardless if you spend time w/ your baby alone or not. Lets face it, all of us in step family situations whether kids or adults are all a bit resentful. Hence this site.
All of you are already developed human beings---the only concern is this newborn. It comes down to how this baby is going to spend the next few days of its life---with a mother who may be post partum, or exhausted, or overwhelmed, or may be resentful of SDs or of not spending alone time to bond. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone. In fact its healthy physically, emotionally, mentally.
As a SM, whether you think you've done a good job or not you get a hall pass to take time off from the never ending job of being a SM & from having to think of other people's children. Take this time to spend with your own new child. If your husband sees all that you do as a SM, he shouldn't have any problems seeing what's best for you as it will turn to be the best for the family.
Good luck & congratulations with the new baby.
Oh and further to my advice/
Oh and further to my advice/ post above....I have the absolute worse SS's known to man and the courts awarded us restraining orders against their bi-polar bio mom so for sure, I would keep anybody or anything that created me stress during this crucial period of childbirth AWAY from me as far as possible.
This site has helped me to disengage & spend time a lone for myself to deal with all this Step Drama. We are all in the same boat here so I'd give more weight to other step parents advice here. Again good luck & congrats!
If your DH insist SD's are
If your DH insist SD's are there, there is not a lot you can do about it.
But look at the things YOU can CONTROL.
> Do not allow SD's to hold or spend too much time with your new baby. After all the baby should not be joustled or held much and the area needs to be germ free.
> When SD's are there keep yourself and the baby in the bedroom or in the nursery. Then SD's will not be able to be hateful and rude to you and hopefully will get bored and leave.
> You should have your Mother there! What a wonderful time to be with your mom! But do not expect nor let your DH or SD's expect your mother to cook, clean and take care of them. She is there for YOU and her GRANDBABY not to be the personal maid to them.
>Set up a routine for you, the baby and your mom while she is there and even after she leaves. Stay out of the main living areas when SD's are home.
> Read a good parenting book, have morning and afternoon tea, have a nice bath in the afternoon when baby is napping.
**Edited to add: When SD's are there let your husband take care of them and their desires. Make it very plain to him that your mother is there for YOU and baby not them!
Enjoy being a mom!