Well...I’m not sure if I went too far....
I have been posting the past few days and today I think I just lost it. I’m sure I will get some hate on here but I’m ok with that. I think I just had enough. The youngest stepdaughter which is who has hurt me I sent her this. By the way, I’m sorry it’s so long.
I have thought about things for the last couple of weeks and I really feel as of someone in your life for the past 18 years, there are some things I want to tell you. First of all, I want to congratulate you on your graduation. I know you worked hard to get your degree. I have wondered what to say to you after knowing you excluded me from your graduation. It did sting a little but wasn’t unexpected actually. You see, I knew the exact day and moment where I stood with you. It was at Alex’s wedding shower. You introduced me to someone as “my dad’s wife” and that was the moment I knew that you would never accept me. I went home and cried that day. It’s funny how something so little can show you so many things. It’s quite obvious you don’t want me in your life and at this point I don’t think I want to be in yours. I do wish you all of the happiness in the world. When you do think of me, I hope you remember a few things. I hope you remember the time I gave you a ring (I was hoping it would be an heirloom to pass on to your daughter one day). That ring meant a lot to me as it was the first gift I bought myself when I had made a little extra money from work. I hope you remember when you first started driving and you were so scared and I rushed to my car to come find you, the trip I took all of you on to bring us closer as a family, the time we were at your dad’s banquet and you were about to cry because your mom couldn’t afford the boots you wanted and I ordered the boots. You probably don’t know this but I told your mom to not worry about paying me back. More than anything I hope you remember when you were struggling with your faith and I told you the mustard seed story and how when you felt betrayed by Alex when you were at your mom’s and you felt she didn’t take your side. I consoled you and never said a word to Alex. I hope you remember the times you were sick and I spent time and effort to make sure you were seen by a doctor when you were in college. I know I will never forget as I was in ICU and was critical, you didn’t bother to make a drive to see me or to be with your dad. Sadly, an employee of mine had to step in and help out as I had no other family. I hope you remember how when you stole my medications to get high, I didn’t make you feel bad. As a matter of fact I took the time to call your insurance company to find out your benefits because no one else knew what to do or the time I took you to Coach to buy your first beautiful bag or when we had a spa day together. I hope when you use your computer, it will remind you that your dad’s wife got it for you so that you would have the best. You probably won’t remember this and you will understand one day when you get married....your dad and I were going to get married on 12/26 and we changed it in an instant so that you and Alex could attend. It was a huge sacrifice because all of the beauty appointments were cancelled so that you both could be there and that was 100% my decision and I don’t regret it. I hope that the money your dad has sent you, you will know it was truly from both of us. You see, your dad’s shifts would get cancelled but since I was working so much, we were both able to help. You just didn’t see my name. I hope you remember the time in 2012 when you hurt your ankle and your dad and I rushed to get you and took care of you that weekend. I know the year exactly because your dad was going to take me somewhere to propose and instead he proposed to me while I was taking a bath because we needed to stay home to make sure you were ok. I know you are trying to hurt me and exclude me by not wishing me Happy Mother’s Day or inviting me to an event such as your graduation but I want you to know I forgive you. I knew this would happen one day. I have always known but because I love your dad so much, I wanted to be a good stepmom. A true Christian does forgive but that doesn’t mean we have to be around one another. Also, thank you for proving to me that your Dad has been right this whole time. He warned me to not be a bank every time and yet I didn’t listen. Something inside of him knew to protect my heart. I truly pray that you will never have anyone try to hurt you after they have been good to you for so many years. I have decided for my own well being not to see you however I want you to know that as I always have, will still continue to encourage your father to have a relationship with you.
I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong and if I could repeat it and take up for your dad, I would do it over and over again. And yes, him and I do deserve one another and I appreciate the fact you do realize that. I don’t need any response from you because it’s unnecessary at this point. You drew the sand in the line and now I have too. Don’t let us ruin any more moments for you and I will tell you the same, I will not allow you to ruin any moment of mine until the day I die.
A very heartfelt message- but
A very heartfelt message- but aholes will ignore your true emotions and dismiss what you have stated.
You are so right!!
Well now I’m the villain!!!!!
You vented
While it may not have been the best thing to do at least you know it's off your chest
You are a really dedicated step mom and should take that in stride. However they are both beasts right now.
I believe it was Aniki or another poster who had their SD full on apologize later in life.
You can't count on it but try to forget them. You tried and DH has your back.
This grown woman excluded you
This grown woman excluded you by not inviting you to her college graduation. Why would you expose your heart and soul to her? Did you really think she cared?
No, she does not. Your'e going to go through the grieving process for the loss of a relationship you thought you had; the loss of a dream of a happy blended family. Get help navigating the loss of that dream. I understand it all too well....thinking everyone in the party is mature and reasonable. Yeah. Except the SD's don't want YOU there. My Sd's are in their 40's and they have made it clear I am unwelcome, and they shut their father out as well.
In the years to come you will be sickened you sent a letter like this. Trust me; I did too. They will never want you in their lives. You are an intruder to their Original Family Ideal. Remove yourself; protect yourself; take care of yourself FIRST in this situation you are in.
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Why would you do this.
why would you drop to the level of begging SD to be your friend, it’s like you asking SD “ be my friend and I will buy you ?” She does not care. She does not like you. She just was using you. Disengage, make like she is dead. Her and BM. No more anything. That the last cent spent on SD.
I don’t see how in the post
I don’t see how in the post you got the impression I’m begging her to be my friend. I wanted her to see that maybe she should be grateful for things.
May you find peace about all this. *I did edit*
OP .about "forgiveness".../ Good Christians? Who taught you that?
To forgive someone they must ask forgiveness first. Did your sd ask that of you?
Until then you are not morally required to automatically give,, 'as a good Christian',, forgiveness.
Do yourself a huge emotional/freeing favor..DO NOT own sd behavior---ever. When you said I FORGIVE YOU without a sincere apology from her--you took ownership of something you didn't say OR do in the first place.
Even though you wrote a sincere note to her, telling SD YOU forgive her as a
"good christian" , those words by you have not erased your feelings or cleansed your soul so to speak. IT cant and it wont because SHE didnt say she is sorry and SHE didnt ask YOU for forgiveness.
Actually..
I am a Christian and you are right she didn’t ask for it. The person that killed my mom hasn’t asked for forgiveness either. However, forgiving wasn’t for her. Forgiving is for ME. You see, I’m trying to forgive her so that I can move on. Also her mom is a Jehova Witness and I really wanted her to see that Christians do forgive. Even now, I was trying to be the better person. I know I should have just left it alone but after 18 years of being a pushover, I couldn’t do it anymore. My DH is a little upset with me and he’s worried he won’t be able to see his grandkids from his older daughter. I know I can say whatever I want on here but in all honesty all I wanted her to see was..I have helped you, been there for you and I was hoping one day she might finally get it. I don’t know anymore.
If it helps you, that’s what matters
I’m You took the opportunity to tell her exactly how you feel and whether she ever acknowledges it or not, she knows all that you’ve done to support her over the years. You’ll probably be made out to be a villain in this, but don’t give it a second thought. I wouldn’t talk about it and I’d try my damnedest to put on a happy face whether I was feeling that or not. Indifference takes time, and it’s a slow shutting down of your feelings. You have to force yourself stop caring like you have all these years. It sucks but it will get easier!
I completely understand the
I completely understand the intent of and need for your message. I hope it is the beginning of healing for you. Though for that to happen I suggest that you never re-engage with her/them. Ever.
As for sending the massage in writing. Unfortuneately written messages can come back to bite us in the ass. For the rest of their lives the SDs will be able to roll out that message, put their victim spin on it, and caste you as the villian. But, you already know that. You already said that you are the villian. Toxic POS people will never recognize that they are villians, toxic, or evil. They do not have the self clarity or character to recognize it.
My bride's SIL (BIL1's DW) wrote a scathing letter to my FIL calling him everything but human, informing him that he would never be Grampa to their daughter (the eldest of 4), that he would never be a part of their family, etc, etc, etc.... FIL sent that letter to my DW with the request that someday she give it to his grandaughter so that she would know why he was not allowed to be her Grampa. Now 15-ish years later and a year after FIL passed that letter is in our file cabinet and can be pulled to remind the toxic SIL of her crap should it be required. The last years between BIL1, his bride and my FIL were better but any time we were there while FIL was ailing the tension was palpable because BIL1 and his wife know that the letter is in our files.
No conversation about FIL can happen without the two of them cringing. Apparently they can interface with the rest of the family without the cringe but if DW and/or I are there their discomfort is discernable. With us present, they cannot pretend like their toxic bullshit did not happen and they cannot avoid the knowledge that they broke my FIL's heart. Their message was handwritten and mailed with a post mark. They probably don't recall exactly what they said in that letter. That is probably a significant part of their tension.
So, keep a copy of the message. You may need it to provide clarity to the SDs and anyone else they try to pull into their toxicity and manipulation.
Being a Christian does not mean that you have to be a martyr. Forgive yourself, write them off, and live your life well. Evil must be recognized, it can never truly be understood. The SDs are evil. That is all you need to know about them.
Take care of you.