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letter to the birth mother after she said my DH doesn't spend enough time with SS

vanrocksout's picture

How nice of you to give DH some grief yesterday about not spending enough time with your son!! You have no idea what you’re talking about. You, and you alone changed the dynamics of their relationship during the winter of 2009 because of your own selfishness. SS needs to learn that every other weekend is not party time just because he has arrived. Life continues in his absence and events will not be put on hold because he chose not to visit as often. We refuse to get into a situation where SS rules the roost and picks who he spends time with based on who is going to have more fun on what weekend. Nor can we afford to pay for his expensive idea of fun. We still have to feed him and pay for his lodging.
The reality of the situation? DH’s job requires him to be on call frequently and that means we stay close to home. If he gets called out to a job site, he has to go whether SS is visiting or not. And because DH’s overtime goes right to your family I am the one that has to work two jobs to pick up the slack so I am not home most weekends and because it’s summer I work a different shift which ends later. And that leaves DH with a teenager and a preschooler. SS sleeps all day and by the time he does get up, it’s naptime for DD. By then DH has to prepare supper and bathe a small child. Then she goes to bed and I get home after midnight. And god forbid, DH asks for help. SS feels he doesn’t have to pitch in at all with simple things like loading a dishwasher and then he bitches constantly about what’s being served for dinner. I don’t know where he got the idea he was at a resort. And when we do actually get to go somewhere, all he does is sulk and not participate. Why waste the time or the money?
Another reality is that your son’s manners are deplorable. So bad in fact that we have stopped going to restaurants as a treat and mealtime always ends with an argument. This is a constant source of tension in our house because he is allowed to eat like a caveman at your house. The chomping is just downright disgusting and until he learns how to eat properly (I don’t care what the excuses are) he will not be joining us for dinner at other people’s houses or for special occasions where it’s more than just family attending. He’s been reminded enough to learn how to eat properly and what the consequences are. He just doesn’t care. On top of that he is constantly wiping his dirty hands on his clothes or on the furniture when he eats. I don’t understand how he could be so concerned about how white his teeth are but not his manners. It doesn’t cost anything to eat properly and say please and thank you.
We’ve only had a couple of days off this summer……we went to Ottawa to visit my dad in hospital. And yes, we dropped SS off home before we went and didn’t include him. The ICU is not a place for kids and my dad’s health is not really anything he has to be concerned about.
I hope this clears up your screwed up view of things or the misinformation you may be hearing from SS. We are not planning to go away anywhere without him, DH doesn’t have any more vacation time until Christmas and we’re staying at home. DH’s hands are tied. And SS could be more accommodating to his dad’s situation.


unwillingparticipant's picture

I hope this letter was more for you than her. What exactly are you hoping for if/when you send it? Are you expecting her to call you and say "ya know, you're right? I'm awful". Honestly? I understand and sympathize with everything in this letter. That's why I'm here too. However, I wholeheartedly believe it would not be in your best interest to send this. What if BM shows this to SS? How would you answer to him?

stepmama2one's picture

Well I may be wrong but I think this is more of a journal letter for OP. Meaning she is writing this letter to make herself feel better but she doesnt intend to send it..............

DaizyDuke's picture

I had something similar happen to me with SS12 and BM#2... a couple of years ago, she called DH and complained that SS was crying because we went and got a christmas tree without him but took SD AND that there seemed to be many times that I was taking SD to do things and not including SS. I flipped out as this was soooo far from the truth it wasn't even funny! Yes, I took SD and a friend to the movies once... SS couldn't go because he was sick on the couch with Mono, why should SD not be able to go?? Yes, I took SD to work with me one day for bring your DAUGHTER to work day because SHE asked me to... sorry SS that you are not a girl! Yes, I took SD shopping for a Halloween costume because SHE asked me to... Of course SS and BM#2 forget all of the times that HE was the only one with us and got to go to dinners, shopping, movies etc and SD didn't go.

I ended up calling BM and giving her a piece of my mind and the conversation did NOT go well. It was the end of any possible civility between myself and BM. She did apologize a couple of years later for being "offensive" but whatever.. the damage was done. Now I do NOTHING with skids... I'm not playing that game. I have BS1 now anyway, so I just devote my time to him and DH can worry about skids and entertaining them.

vanrocksout's picture

Of course I sent it!! I am so tired of her yelling at my husband in front of my child. She pushes and pushes and pushes all of the time. Nothing is ever good enough. And I'm not just saying this. My DH is a great dad. My husband always pays CS in full, on time, always spends time with SS, never cancels visits,goes to parent teacher nights and SS knows his dad is there fo him and loves him. My husband is very hands on with him. My SS was born after they broke up (they were dating)and he's been there since day one.

There is no one in the dark here. She can show SS the letter if she wants. SS has been told numberous times about his eating habits and how they affect our social life. If I could show you how gross he is I would. We can't even have a normal family dinner because his eating habits are so gross. Going to restaurants is a nightmare and so is everyday family functions. While we have a sit down dinner together at our house every evening he's here (except weekends when it's just DH, DD and SS), we don't have any visitors for dinner ever when he's around. He says he can't change and his mother lets him eat like that. I'll be damned if my daughter thinks it's okay to eat like a caveman.

This BM got mad last summer when DH and I were about to take an adults only trip, she caught wind of it (it didn't affect time with SS) it was to be taken when he was scheduled to be with mom, so she threatened to put him in some $3500 camp in which we would pay %70 and not see him at all so we ended up taking him with us.

BM told me last year to stay out of their business and not get too involved in her son's life and I have until yesterday. I am polite and courteous to her son while he's in our care and I never discuss his mother while he's in our house. he taken care of at our home and I encourage DH to take him out so they can have alone time when work schedules permit. The court (here in Canada, not the States) told DH that he wasn't allowed to quit his job and had to maintain his current salary for his son. If my husband doesn't do the over time he would get fired and there would be no support then. My husband pays the guideline support amount and 70% of everything addition we have a life insurance policy for a huge amount and we have him every other weekend and every other week in the summer. We pay for all of the sports and tutoring and my husband drives 400 kms every weekend (two round trips) to pick him up and bring him home. His kid is not hurting financially......emotionally maybe because mom and dad can't speak in a civil manner.

We are in a bind, my husband can't increase his salary because it goes to them not us at tax time when tax information is exchanged. Her payment is based on his yearly earnings. So I am the one working two jobs to keep the household running and food on the table.

I don't care about being called an evil stepmother....I need to take care of my DD and #2 on the way in 3 months and I don't need BM and SS calling the shots at my house.