You are here

Non-confrontational?

CANYOUHELP's picture

I have just learned that my husband is the non-confrontational type. I am told by his sibling he will never correct adult skids who continuously insult me and our daughter on a regular basis to our face and with him present, (his only legal step daughter). Does anybody out there have a spouse like that? What do you do or not do? I am totally disengaging, which seems to be my only relief.

Am I the only fortunate one?

CANYOUHELP's picture

How do you deal with insults tossed your way by jealous step kids and, what do you do if it happens to your spouse? I cannot take it any longer. It is hurtful as a wife that he could careless about my feelings. I would like to think he (my husband) is strong enough and loves me enough to stop the insults, at least speak back.

Is that too much to ask? Why would he not speak back up for me, his wife? I would like some guidance.

CANYOUHELP's picture

How do you deal with insults tossed your way by jealous step kids and, what do you do if it happens to your spouse? I cannot take it any longer. It is hurtful as a wife that he could careless about my feelings. I would like to think he (my husband) is strong enough and loves me enough to stop the insults, at least speak back.

Is that too much to ask? Why would he not speak back up for me, his wife? I would like some guidance.

ksmom14's picture

I am non-confrontational...I find when I disagree with someone in person I get flustered and it's hard for me to remember my argument or important points.

I've found that when something is important to me to write a letter/text/email works best. I am able to quietly sit down and think of the important things I want to say, while also phrasing it in a respectful way. Because even if I'm pissed at the person, I just am not a rude person, and cannot be mean.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I can certainly respect that attitude, but you address the situation, your way still. My husband does nothing, says nothing, writes nothing...nothing. I think you get the picture.
I respect him less as a man, and I hate I feel this way. I am staying away from all situations now, so that will likely help me.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Pointless it is to have arguments  when people attending irrational. Maybe that is his way of handling it. You  handle things in the way that you deem best, but you are not willing to allow him that same right. You want him to handle things in the way that you think that he should. By doing that, you get to determine how you handle things and you get to dictate how he should handle things.  In essence, you get to control everything.

Maybe, he respects your ability to speak up for yourself, and  maybe he does not always share your take on a given situation.

He may be showing you respect by not saying publicly that he thinks that you be equally or partially responsible for the relationship that you have with his adult children.

In any case, it is hard enough for most people to own and take responsibility for their own behavior with out trying to micromanage the respond of other people.

Your husband probably loves you and his children, and does not want to be involved in what her likely views as unnecessary conflict.

 

 

sandye21's picture

"He may be showing you respect by not saying publicly that he thinks that you be equally or partially responsible for the relationship that you have with his adult children."  The DH is making a choice of taking on the responsibility of having a healthy relationship with SM and the Skids.  If he doesn't take on this responsibility he has to live with the consequences of his decision.  SM has the choice - not the responsibility - of having a relationship with DH's rude, enabled offspring - or not.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Stated he was fat, our possessions "were a piece of crap." Our daughter was a bad babysitter, etc. etc.

ksmom14's picture

What my mother would suggest (which I've never actually used because it seems weird to me lol) she always suggests saying "OUCH! that was really hurtful" or something to that effect. Kind of address it directly and just say how it made you feel

But I've never had someone be THAT directly rude to me/my family. Not sure you saying or doing anything is going to make a difference. If your DH isn't going to say or do anything I guess just try to distance yourself from her and tell your DH that you don't want to be treated like that, nor see him treated like that and ask that he see her without you present.

sammigirl's picture

The only thing I have ever said to my SD56 (she is extremely rude and passive aggressive) is "Excuse me? Would you please repeat what you just said, I missed that". I only said that once and I caught her off guard and she didn't answer me. My DH will never insist that SD56 show respect, so I don't expect any support from DH. I used to put him in the middle; all that accomplished was making our marriage miserable; I handle it myself. It's DH's princess and she never is wrong or does anything wrong.

If you play the game back and forth, it never ends. I just walk out of the situation and find something better to do. I do not like confrontation and I hate mind games.

The more I respond to my SD56 (36 years), the more SD enjoys it. My SGD31 is even worse and much more aggressive, therefore I am totally disengaged from both mother and daughter. I am only around them, when absolutely necessary. I won't let them have any control over my life, including visiting my grown SS's and family; if I want to visit or join a family gathering, I do so; I just totally ignore SD56 and SGD31 and I will never engage with them again. I don't attend every gathering and I take it as it comes.

Good luck; I would never give the satisfaction of responding.

twoviewpoints's picture

Not that it really matters, but weren't you just here within the last few days under a different name? Deleting account and changing names sometimes has to happen if member has been 'caught' by family snoops or too identifying info... so you don't have to answer me. Smile

It was the two ex stepdaughters (who won't go away, lol) and their half sister? Or am I having a bit of heat stroke?

CANYOUHELP's picture

You never know what buttons will work, I bet. But, in my case there is nothing behind --any choice. It is great to know others, like you, who share some of the same experiences. I do hate it for you too...lol. I have already received a lot of great advise in this forum. It has been very healthy. I have found every contribution to benefit me.

The worst part is I look at him now, as less of a man, just weak. Ughhhh....I do not ask a lot of him, but I thought he would "want" to protect me from undue misery from anybody. But, that is just how 'I" think, not my husband. I can protect myself by staying away ...

AlreadyGone's picture

There is a big difference between being non-confrontational and being a doormat. Your DH is a doormat. My XH was too. (Well, unless he had something to say to me. Didn't seem to have a problem with that.) That's when I figured out he was a wuss with his kidults. Like you, I lost all respect for him and when that happened, I decided that whatever those feral creatures did, I wasn't going to silently put up with it. If my xSK's had the nerve to say or write something to me or about me. I confronted them and had a come to Jesus ASAP. Not saying you should take my advice. Notice I did say XH. Wink

CANYOUHELP's picture

Agreed. For a long time I said nothing, of course so did he. I thought he will eventually speak up like a man should for his wife. Like you, I noticed he could clearly stand up to me! That kind of blows that theory, huh?

The last time I saw these pleasant women I answered back because I knew Mr. Manly would just sit there, as usual. That made me realize my plight. I will not be around them again, this forum has given me a lot of reinforcement that I have made the right decision.

As women we innately think our spouse will always be on our side--if we are reasonably correct. It is dis heartening to think of him as a weakling, far from a turn on...Ughhh...I just look at him altogether differently now/

It is what it is and thank you for sharing with me.

sammigirl's picture

Our spouse should always be on our side; but for some reason their DD's are still their "babies", and always will be in their mind.

I also had my eyes opened 15 years ago (SD moved into the same town and just up the street) concerning my DH. I see now that DH always put BM second to his DD. So I have learned to look at it in a different perspective. I don't have the trust or respect for my DH, that I had for 21 years. It was heart breaking and still is at times; although I do realize it's a fact and life goes on.

I feel bad for you, because it's not fun!

notasm3's picture

I am moderately non-confrontational as in I generally just write off people that I don't like. For the most part I don't waste time trying to "work things out." Sure I can let go of individual slights and misunderstandings - but if it's all the time it's adios.

I really do believe in the old "if someone shows you who they are believe them". If someone is a major ass I feel no mandate to reform them and set them on the right path. They can just go live their life away from me.

I realize it's different with a minor child. You can ignore them only to a certain extent. I would not ignore the safety of a child even if I couldn't stand the child.

CANYOUHELP's picture

These are not minors, by any means. It is every time I am in their mist. But, my sightings have been less and less, narrowing down to zero in the future.;-)

notasm3's picture

My SS30 is a totally worthless POS. I have NOTHING to do with him. I did try for a couple of years. But he is just a waste of space. A violent alcoholic who beats up women and the elderly.

SS and his many issues are just not my problem. I honestly do not care if he is dead or alive. Okay to be honest - maybe the world would be a better place if he was not here.

still learning's picture

My husband is a huge non confrontational wuss when it comes to BM and ss31. He did whatever she said during the divorce and eleven years later he's still paying for it literally through alimony. ss31 would always come around for handouts, bills to be paid, large sums of cash all while DH went in the hole. Things changed after we got married but ss31 is still rude and nasty as ever. Not once has DH stood up and put a stop to it. This last time ss accused me and my kids of sucking DH dry financially so after ss left I told DH that if he ever says that again to my face I'm going to tell him exactly how much money his mother is getting from DH a month. I try to avoid ss whenever i can since he's extremely unpleasant to be around but have decided to confront the ass with the truth if he crosses me again.

DH will likely never stand up for me to his nasty children so I'll have to do it myself.

CANYOUHELP's picture

We have the same thing going on here; and, if money was the only issue, I think I could handle it better. It is the insults, along with everything else which adds up to a big dysfunctional mess.

still learning's picture

We have plenty of other issues too. It sucks. The whole step situation sucks. It was really rough the 1st 2 1/2 years of our marriage but has gotten better as I've set boundaries with DH and the ss's. I occasionally slip and then there's a big blow up and we're right where we were years ago of DH having to "protect" ss31 from me. How dare I not allow his precious son to steal from and walk all over me. Luckily I have a life and kids of my own so the ss's are a very small part of my world. Though it's amazing what a large thorn that small part can be.

CANYOUHELP's picture

It is amazing how everything is okay. Wish I could walk blindly through it. But, kind of hard to do when you are the target.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Both of you are accurate.

The LAST time, together I believe they (this group), were baiting me, and shocked I was answering aggressively back...because they know Mr. Testosterone will sit there and say nothing regardless if they chip away with increasing levels of insulting remarks. Like I said, not withstanding death, they will never worry about being in the same location with me again. I am not going to put myself in that position ever again, nor my daughter-- who really wanted to be part of their lives. It's crazy to keep going back for more insults...and why would I do that?

I cannot say I would not like it better for all parties, and wish I could be part of a functional family. but it is what it is.....This amount of dysfunction is way beyond what any women could handle. That is why a lot of people left this family already...lol... I have to reduce stress and misery in my life. That is all they represent to me now, nothing more, unfortunately.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Both of you are accurate.

The LAST time, together I believe they (this group), were baiting me, and shocked I was answering aggressively back...because they know Mr. Testosterone will sit there and say nothing regardless if they chip away with increasing levels of insulting remarks. Like I said, not withstanding death, they will never worry about being in the same location with me again. I am not going to put myself in that position ever again, nor my daughter-- who really wanted to be part of their lives. It's crazy to keep going back for more insults...and why would I do that?

I would like it better for all parties, and wish I could be part of a functional family... but it is what it is.....It is not going to improve. This amount of dysfunction is way beyond what any women could handle. That is why a lot of people left this family already...lol... I have to reduce stress and misery in my life. That is all they represent to me now, nothing more, unfortunately.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi Outlawsteps,

I've already blocked everything, including text. We cannot even text. It's sad. They are dead to me now, I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am highly disappointed in myself for marrying a man who clearly refuses to take his wedding vows to heart. He was not like this in the beginning, not at all. He has morphed into this spineless creature. He is great in so many ways, but this one is hard to swallow. In act, it just sickens me as a woman.

I could clearly understand if I initiated any trouble, or if I purposefully stated rude, crude comments to set anybody off...If I could find one reason to blame myself, trust me, I have looked in the mirror. I do not initiate anything, and he sits there like a zombie. It is so pathetic to watch and experience, makes you sick to your stomach.

I've tried to take the high road, but I see how that is working for me..lol, you are right you have to go back at the bullying behavior.

Like Rags said, I will have to take care of myself, he certainly will not.

Thank you for your response and insight.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi Stepaside,

I never thought of the betrayal feeling, but you are so right, that is exactly how I feel. I still want to believe...he wants to protect me, as his wife. He certainly is afraid these kind women will leave him, as they have already ran off so many others in his life. He will stop at nothing to salvage this relationship for some odd reason, and....nothing they do or say effects him negatively, even personal insults to him.

For example, the one bio daughter got married and asked the mothers' husband to walk her down the aisle. Upon learning this, he came home pale as a ghost (never telling me why and also telling me he was fine--clearly, he was not), and he did not go to the wedding,...of course he has never shared why he didn"t go, and actually what happened that day. But, that was the just a few days before the big event, and she must have laid it on him. He never confronted her about this, as best I understand.

He later tried to tell me he did not go because of me, that is just too funny, huh? lol. I knew I was not the reason, I never am, I never will be....that would mean he stood up for me, and, we all know that will not happen. And, even so, it is her wedding. I would not want to ask him to remove himself. I told him to go! I am surprised she put my name on the invitation actually, as she has left me out publicly so many other times. She easily includes my name when she wants a gift, clearly.

Thank you for the response, very helpful.

sandye21's picture

"If he is choosing to remain silent, that is his choice. However, he does not get to choose when you will and when you won't defend yourself and protect your daughter." Yes, he should know that if he makes the choice to be silent again there will be hell to pay if you have to defend yourself - for both him and his daughter.

The loss of your respect for your DH is the main issue. When my DH ran out the door instead of supporting me when SD was having a meltdown on me, he was not thinking of SD or me - he was thinking only of himself. That was his choice. The thing abut making a choice is that you are also faced with the consequences. One is that he lost my respect for him like you did. The other is that if he wants to see his daughter he will have to do so elsewhere than our home. SD is non-existent in my life so I am not interested in anything to do with her. This means he has to live two separate lives, one of which I am not part of. The responsibility of maintaining a relationship with SD is now squarely on his shoulders alone, along with the juggling act of communication. I have regained some of the respect I originally had for DH because even though he never had the courage to confront SD he decided to work on the marriage.

But there is also a positive result in standing up for yourself. When I was waiting for DH to take action my own needs were put in a holding pattern. DH's lack of support and the realization that he was placing himself first, prompted me to make myself my top priority. I am SOOO glad I made the choice to defend myself. It made me a stronger, more confident person who decided to focus on my personal growth and happiness. This past week I was on the front page of our local paper.

Since your DH values his peace more than he values your marriage you have to think of what is best for you and your daughter. Your DH should be given the choice of either making the marriage his top priority or face the consequences.

ybarra357's picture

"But there is also a positive result in standing up for yourself. When I was waiting for DH to take action my own needs were put in a holding pattern. DH's lack of support and the realization that he was placing himself first, prompted me to make myself my top priority. I am SOOO glad I made the choice to defend myself. It made me a stronger, more confident person who decided to focus on my personal growth and happiness."

This is golden sandye and I completely agree. Once I stood up for myself with the cretin adult SK's, they backed down and disappeared from my life. Oh my DH hated that fer sure but too effin bad.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Yes, he values his peace. I value mine too, they are no longer welcome at our home and I will not be anywhere they are.....peace for all men on earth...lol

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

"The loss of your respect for your DH is the main issue. When my DH ran out the door instead of supporting me when SD was having a meltdown on me, he was not thinking of SD or me - he was thinking only of himself. That was his choice. The thing abut making a choice is that you are also faced with the consequences"

This is so true.  Also when they try to cop out by saying that you should work it out as they are staying out of it.  Cowards are what they are then.....like throwing you to the wolf.

catsmom01's picture

Ugh. Yeah, my bf's mother and sister ganged up on me. Of course they chose to do it when my bf was nowhere in sight. I am 110% nonconfrontational. I tried to defend myself with facts, which the two of them denied. Ugh. I then stood there like a fish with a gaping mouth.

My bf eventually called them out on their bullsh*t. If he wouldn't have dealt with them, his life would have been very unhappy, and I'd most likely been gone. I think at one point my words to him were "Have a nice life with your sister...here's the ring back..."

Unfortunately it takes some unpleasantness and drastic measures to jumpstart these guys into action who would rather sit on the fence and tell us to just let it go.

Several years later...IF I were to ever be around them again, I'd most likely be prepared. I've found the best response is "That's nice, but I really don't care what you think" and END IT right then and there by physically removing yourself from the situation. Then prevent it in the first place by not being around idiots when it can at all be avoided.

However, if someone was badmouthing my kid...uhm...the response out of my mouth, I'm ashamed to say, would probably be something along the lines of STFU. LOL. I'm nonconfrontational but have a construction background and cursing is my second language.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank you so much for your response. Ganging up-is a popular method by these women. It's easier to enjoy individual bullying that way, I assume. They certainly did all appear to be enjoying their banter with me. I did defend myself, for the first time, with eventually stating, "why, are you jealous?"

All this guidance has been super helpful, that is why I started this forum. They are no longer welcome in my home, period and I have installed security to monitor the house anytime away. (I highly recommend it)!

If the husband had any testosterone, maybe he could act like a real "daddy" and husband. This is not likely happen, I am accepting it. But not withstanding death in the family, they had their last group harassment session with me. It is a shame for all of us. After reading everybody's experiences and getting all this great feedback, I know I made the right decision.

moeilijk's picture

My DH is also like that. Not that bad, if my in-laws, or anyone, were actually aggressive, he'd say something. But it's the passive-aggressive, snide, more subtle crap that he tries to ignore. And, tbh, I try to ignore it as well... up to a point.

I think that's been an error on my part. Recently I set up a perimeter line and told DH that any contact with the in-laws was on his shoulders, including picking up DD after time with MIL. Within 24 hours he was wondering what to do since he had a late meeting. I told him I wondered too.

It's just so easy to try to help, to make things easier for others, but in this situation, no more.

I think my decision to cut off contact with my in-laws was over-the-top, as they were certainly never cruel as what you've gone through. But, what else can you do? I tried talking about it, I tried not taking it personally, I tried ignoring it and not caring... but I was stressed out about it and feeling uncomfortable and not like all the time. Now (it's been 2 weeks) I love feeling free as a bird with no one around to make me feel bad about myself.

sandye21's picture

Please go to a lawyer to see what rights you DO have if DH dies before you.  If you and DH purchase property in Texas: "On death the death of one spouse, a couple's community property is divided equally. The surviving spouse gets to keep his or her half. The deceased spouse's half is transferred through his or her will or, if there is no will, as provided in the Texas intestacy statutes."  If the property was purchased prior to the marriage, it may be passed on to the skids if there are no provisions made for you.   Although you may be compensated for any contributions that you have made to the house such as up-keep and renovations - and possibly part of the increase in equity since the date of your marriage.  Plus you are entitled to part of any savings DH has accumulated since you have been married to him.

MissTexas's picture

I have seen another atty.

 

sandye21's picture

Sorry - you KNEW the legal aspects.  Possible confrontation with SD is another (harder) issue to deal with.  My suggestion is to communicate with SD through a (possibly non-related) third party for both financial and emotional issues.  This is how I plan to deal with SD in the event of DH's illness or death.  She has a right to see him at the hospital or attend his funeral but with the understanding that she is to be on her best behavior.  Otherwise she will be instructed to leave immediately - even if it means contacting law enforcement.

MissTexas's picture

sandye21, no worries....I've spent a lot of time researching many aspects in that area.

I cannot even begin to tell you how traumatic this has been for both myself and my husband, and I"m just in shock that he isn't taking charge in a more authoritative way.

Can you message me privately?

Areyou's picture

Then you must step up and confront the devil spawn and you must put DH in his place. 

MissTexas's picture

Unfortunately, it's easier said than done.

I have checked into a restraining order, as I have friends in high places, including judges who can make it happen.

I just feel a clear line MUST be drawn, otherwise this will escalate and that cannot happen. Why should the daughter be so explosive/attacking/offensive and have absolutely NOTHING happen?