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When does non-confrontation become cowardice?

2Tired4Drama's picture

Or are the two one and the same?

Wondering if anyone else is seeing a connection between their DH/DW/SO actions towards their kids/ex, and how they respond to the world at large?

Example. My SO has a very significant non-confrontation streak. When his ex-W cheated on him and filed for divorce, he put up no fight and just rolled with it. When she PASd his kids and said they didn't have to visit him, he didn't object because he didn't want to "force" it. Etc.

Now his kids are grown, he never says a word that his kids make no effort to see him and only contact him when they want something. Of course, whatever they want he will try to give. He never tells them how it hurts him that he doesn't hear from them for months at a time.

That said, I've noticed he has the same attitude about many other challenges that come up in life. Even when it comes to things I am experiencing.

For the last few years, I've been battling my employer via a lawsuit. My friends and family know the circumstances, know how difficult it's been, and tell me they are proud to see I'm standing up for myself and what's right. I feel like they have my back.

My SO, however, seems to always take the non-confrontational approach. He does not think that I will ever beat the system and am on a fool's folly. In his mind, though he doesn't say it directly, he thinks it's all a big mistake and I think he views me as some sort of malcontent/troublemaker. Because of that, I am not able to tell him what's going on in my workplace, which means there are these important events going on in my life that he is not with me on ... I don't feel he has my back. His nature is to not speak up and keep his head down when it's a David and Goliath situation.

This is very difficult for me because I come from a family of "fighters." I think sometimes you have to be a troublemaker to effect a change in a bad environment. It was hard for me to disengage or not say anything related to his ex/skids, because if I were him I would have fought tooth and nail to make sure my visitation time with my children was honored. When I tried to coax him to talk about this when it was actively happening, he refused and would walk out of the room.

I hate to say it because he is a wonderful man in so many ways, but I think he's a coward. In his own business matters, he is very astute and hard-driving. I think in matters that involve any emotion, he would prefer to back down rather than get hurt. And he probably thinks I should do the same. That may be why he doesn't fully support me in my battle because he sees it is hurtful. He'd rather I throw in the towel and walk away. Like he does.

Wondering if others have noticed this same personality issue and how it affects your relationship?

2Tired4Drama's picture

LOL, I agree that letting the BM go seems reasonable! Good riddance!

But what was so odd about this was according to him, there was ZERO discussion about it. He got served the papers without any warning or discussion beforehand, and he immediately arranged to move out/find his own place and as soon as he did, the boyfriend moved into the house with the kids and BM.

That's what I mean by "fighting" ... how can you let your entire world fall apart (including your children's) without so much as an attempt to confront or resolve it? Plus, letting a strange man come in and live with your kids without ever meeting him or knowing anything about him?

The skids stuff is all a moot point since they are well into adulthood now.

Last In Line's picture

Not everything in life needs to be a battle...choosing battles wisely doesn't make someone a coward. Choosing to not waste time/energy on a cause you don't feel strongly about isn't cowardice. Choosing your own peace over constant turmoil isn't cowardice.

Different approaches to life...not right and wrong approaches to life. Let him fight battles he chooses to fight. The concerning thing to me is that you can't talk to him about what's going on in your life because you don't feel supported by him. Then too it sounds like you haven't supported him in decisions he has made about what goes on in his life. Maybe counseling to help you two communicate better and to better understand each other's methods of dealing with confrontations/decisions/problems would help.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I agree that choices about where to expend your energy is important.

My perspective is that we should opt to back up and support our loved ones. And you are right, Last, that I don't feel supported. Because I'm not. He wouldn't have done what I have thus he does not want to engage in it.

I'm not saying he has to be in complete agreement with what my choices in life are, but I do expect that he will demonstrate that he is there for me emotionally. Everyone wants to know they have someone in their corner when the going gets tough.

Just like I did with his kids, I know he was upset, tried to get him to talk about it - so that I COULD let him know I was there for him ... whatever his choice was. So I did support him in his decisions, even though I didn't agree. I didn't keep pressing him to push for contact. But he will tell me he thinks I need to "drop" my issue and be done with it.

The same has been true for health challenges. I've been there when he's needed me but he will tell me, "I'm just not good being around sick people." when I need the same.

Communication, as always, seems to be a challenge for many relationships. Mine included.

sandye21's picture

You have written about a situation I was in over 20 years ago. I was fighting blatant discrimination by the Government while working in what they thought was a 'man's job'. Whatever you do, if you know you are right, fight tooth and nail. I did and eventually won. Do not give up.

My DH is also non-confrontational, and his lack of support hurt very much. At one time, I was experiencing so much tension that my therapist wanted me to take off a week. I wanted to quit work. My DH said, "You better go back to work or they will think you are nuts", then proceeded to complain about women's lib and refused to support me while I searched for another job. He also was non-confrontational with his SD when she was treating me like dog doo. He would not support me when I was verbally attacked unjustifiably by other people. I was seriously considering divorce.

The solution to this is that as far as SD, I disengaged from her. This means the fact that she doesn't acknowledge his existence is his problem, allowing him to deal with it as he chooses, I'm not wasting time even thinking about it. If he wants to confront her because she is thoughtless and selfish, that's his choice - I don't want to be involved in it.

As far as DH's support in my personal life, we agreed that I will defend myself if I have to but he does not give any non-supportive comments. He does not have to fight for me just let me know that I have his back. If he had not agreed to this, we would not be married now.

DH was also bad about dealing with health issues that come up. He refused to take me to the doctor when I had broken my leg, telling me it was just a sprain. If I was sick, like your DH he was not helpful at all, giving me the same BS your DH is. I informed him that I was going to follow his lead if HE ever gets sick. That meant he would have to fend for himself even if it was serious. He decided to be more helpful if I get sick.

One unexpected result was that learning to defend myself gave me the self-confidence and courage to eventually quit being a doormat for SD and DH.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Sandy21, thank you so very much for this! It is so encouraging to know that I'm not alone when trying to fight the good fight.

It's also comforting to know that I'm not being unreasonable with my expectations. Your DH's comments mirror my SO's to a certain extent.

And yes ... the fact I fight does indeed give me courage and confidence. My parents are no longer alive, but I know they would be most proud of me. As are my siblings. I take solace in that.

CANYOUHELP's picture

My husband must have two wives...lol..

Your situation almost exactly matches my own. After years of not wanting to accept my reality, I learned I have to maintain my own self respect and defend myself, period. Unfortunately, my marriage does not maintain the "protect" value I had imagined, two ways. I thought I'd have a two way street, and it works only one way for me--so, I have accepted my reality, but it took many years.

I disengaged from skids (best move ever made by me). And, like you, I keep a lot to myself. Fortunately, others are there for me for support and are capable off supporting me in my life. He cannot. It is ridiculous for me to count on him. And, yes, they are cowards, no doubt. But, I can only depend on myself, and I do-in the end.

I hate to believe he cannot change, or that his is a coward. But, that is exactly what he is....

notasm3's picture

It's not an "if and only if" situation (fellow math geeks will get that reference).

There are many times when non-confrontation is the best choice. But not always. I will confront someone over blatant racism, anti-Semitism (all too common in recent times), etc.

For the most part I will not confront someone that I can just totally eliminate from my life going forward. I don't feel it necessary to tell someone that I will never acknowledge their existence again because they are a worthless POS ahole. That would entail me speaking to them - not going to happen.

But if an interface with that person is ongoing I will NOT just accept their being an ahole. One of the reasons that I have NOTHING to do with SS30 is that I refuse to walk on eggshells around him. If I have to be near him I WILL confront him - and I will not pull any punches. If that happens he will probably knock my block off - and then he will go to jail/prison or else I will kill him in self defense. So see - I am "protecting him" by not letting him near me. Smile