Secrets

CANYOUHELP's picture

There are all kinds of secrets (secret communications, secret gifts and secret get togethers), and because I am disengaged, I know this should not bother me, but still it does. Oh, he NEVER texts in front of me, though I have told him to feel free to do so and never discouraged it-ever.Yes, I have caught him numbers times lying to try to defend them, when they are totally wrong, as well. He will not correct anybody for anything they do to anybody, period.

I have to keep telling myself to not worry about what does not matter--and, really his secrets have nothing to do with me, I assume-most of the time. And, even when it does,(and it does), I do not care if I do not know about it/them and it does not effect my overall well-being, (which he is still great to me 99.9% of the time, regardless of his amount of secrecy I see or do not see).

What bothers me the most is he is how he is doing it, almost as soon as he gets out of my line of vision. For example, he went downstairs, thinking I was sleeping, and started texting as soon as he got down there. I've seen him walk outside from the window, doing the same, many times. I have never said anything to him about it, and he keeps his phone with him like it is an attachment to his body. He only puts it down only to charge it at night. Otherwise, he will never put it anywhere except in his pants pocket. The secret get togethers and presents do not bother me at all, but this secret texting when I am present (and he thinks I am not looking does). I am totally disengaged so maybe I need you to tell me to not pay attention to this and just forget it; I know that is the actual answer. I have nothing to do with these horribly nasty people and I am thrilled to have my peace of mind back and I will never again being required to have them insult me in my own home or go where they are unless I decide. I plan to never be in their company again, not withstanding death, unless they transform into different human beings altogether. Regardless of the myriad of insults, an apology from any of them will never happen. Even though I did ask to talk with one of them after one huge public insult she was responsible for, she told me it was water under her bridge. Disengagement is my only alternative. (Oh, a number of people, some his own children have left him-- because of how they also have been treated horribly by them, before me; I have never met some of his biological children who have nothing to do with him).

I know to have the peace of mind disengagement is the only way for me, and I certainly cannot have it both ways! Go figure why this still bothers me. Uhhhhh.....

Acratopotes's picture

WHy is he walking away when texting his kids? I don't get it... you are not stopping him from having contact with them, you just do not want to know about them.....

Simply tell him he does not have to do it in secret it's stupid.... I'm sorry lady but his behavior is indicating to me it's not only his kids... there's some one else as well that's why he's all secretive.

I'm disengaged as well, I give a hoot if SO text Aergia or not, SO will leave his phone all over the house, I do take a peek just to be informed abut things...... but SO does not know it... he thinks only his thumb print can open his phone, yeah right .......

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank you Acratopotes, yes...the behavior is odd, plan on having that talk tonight. Great advise.

Acratopotes's picture

oh no ... do not have the talk tonight... if you see him run off, wait till he returns and say... Hon you really do not have to run to text the kids, I do not mind if you do it here......

see non confrontational, friendly relaxed and all.... if he dares running after that..... ask him....
only kid or mistress as well.....

never loose your temper and always look sort of bored when addressing this issue

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank you, just do not know the perfect way to handle it...you are right though, I need to put it in the right context before saying anything. More great advise, thank you. Smile

CANYOUHELP's picture

You're right StepAside,

I am lucky, in many ways. Nothing is perfect, I realize...nothing, for certain. I am reasonably sure he is not into other women, other than his mini wives (who are adults and only a few years younger than me).

Even with our situation, he is a fabulous husband to me and terrific to our daughter too. Because they ran off so many others (who were probably a lot nicer people-overall), in his life, I think he tries to overcompensate out of fear and guilt.

You're right, it is a concession I have made...great train analogy too, so true.

Thanks for your candid advise.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank you Echo, he is faithful. He needs anything, but another woman...He would tell you that too.... Yes, you are right, like Stepaside stated, you have to make concessions.

I like the way you recommended I address it. Oh, he's using a company phone-but I get the idea. I am going to do exactly as you say,in the proper context, of course.

Thank you for your wise advise and communication strategy. I am waiting until the proper time now and I am going to watch my delivery as you suggested.

Have a great weekend!

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thanks HeavenLike, it is not an affair. There's just not that much get up and go left..LOL....I was married to a man who did that, and this one is much different from him. We have issues with Skids, but that has been our only issue and we have been married for many years.

I think it is #1, he has tried to protect me by not telling me things, I know that. He has also tried to protect them, by not telling me things. But he will verbally never protect any of us...he never stands up for anything right or wrong. He will not even stand up for himself, after he has been treated horribly by them.

He keeps a lot from me, so I will not feel so left out or hurt. He doesn't know how to handle the situation, that is true, but he certainly knows he has one, that is a fact.

He had a ton of cards once in the mailbox from them, and I told him he probably has cards in there to check--not stating I had seen them. He came back telling me he had none; which didn't go well well because I had already seen a pile in there...lol... Because they do nothing for me, he frequently hides reality from me.

Thank you Heavenlike, I always love your advise.

sammigirl's picture

My DH does all of these secretive things also. He has always, and I mean always, lead a confrontational life. It was a matter of survival when he was a kid, then a 25 year marriage, which was yelling, accusing, fighting, etc. This comes from him and the grown skids, same stories. It shows in his dysfunctional grown kids too.

I think my DH keeps all of these little secrets, that don't even matter, from me to keep the peace. In reality it starts an argument; when all he has to do is be straight forward. I handle "straight forward" very well. If I find out the littlest white lie, behind my back, it infuriates me. My DH knows this, but seems to think secrets put him in control, which he thinks he has to have.

I'm learning to ignore his head games and call him on the spot, if I don't like what I find out. I want my DH to know that I know he's keeping secrets, and he is NOT in control of my life. I don't look at his phone, I don't care how much he texts his kids, or sees them, as long as he doesn't expect me to put up with the games. Then I walk away and let it go.

I understand this bothering you, it bothers me also. It seems like it is a constant game that doesn't need to be played, it's a waste of time and love.

Icansorelate's picture

My former DH did the same thing, but with phone calls to the mini wife (he would "go to the bathroom" when we were out somewhere to call her). It is not likely a mistress- just secrets with the SDs. Been there, lived it, hated it. It is hard to explain and not seem like you are crazy, isn't it?

CANYOUHELP's picture

Yes, Icansorelate...If it is just casual conversation what is to hide anyway, huh? It is no big deal, crazy to hide, but the way he goes about it makes it seem that way. But I do recall a few years back I asked him why he did not talk to them in front of me--now this is hilarious. He said I can do that and to prove it to me he picked up the phone and called one, within 5 seconds I heard her (voice is low and loud), asking him if I was helping him do this and that and then turned the conversation all about what I needed to be doing for him to help him (he said nothing back other than I was helping him, of course); next, he called the other one who was more concerned about who our daughter was dating (very jealous of her--she is in college and not dating anybody), than anything he was wanting to discuss, just questions about her.

Maybe that is why he cannot do anything in front of me---it always backfires...lol.

If he had a mistress-- I think even he would be floored.

CANYOUHELP's picture

HI StepAside,

They are asking these questions because he answers, that is a fact. I NEVER mention them at all and I have asked him to never mention anything about me or my daughter to them. FB used to tell us all we needed to know..lol (all blocked now). He has a severe case of daddeeee paranoia given then ran off his kids and the wife before me. They were horrible to them too, and, he did the same-stood by and watched it go down.

Thanks for the advise,

enuf's picture

I can so relate to the phone issue. My ex, had his phone glued to him. He would keep it on vibrate, and if we were out, would run to the closest bathroom as soon as it vibrated. It did not matter, what we were doing. Sometimes in the middle of having sex in a hotel, and then he would get upset if we did not continue where we left of when he jumped out of bed to talk to his ds in the bathroom.

One time we were on a cruise and his ds was calling him because he was upset that our dog had pooped in the house, as he did not let the dog out. Ex went to the bathroom 10x in 2 hours. It was both funny and upsetting as we were socializing with another couple and the woman could hear the phone vibrating and would mention to him that he had a call. He finally fessed up to what was going on. While I could not say anything about his precious baby. She was not aware about the sensitivities ex had about his ds and was very out spoken. She told him "what does he want you to do about the dog pooping, go back and clean it?" Clearly, that comment put him on edge. But, he refused to tell his middle aged son to cut it off. It really ruined the cruise.

It is really difficult to disengage. I tried really hard. Also, went to see a therapist to help me with ss issues. At the end, dh and ss ended up being the couple, and my dh divorced me. They now vacation together, a 72 year old man and his 48 year old son.

What you need to decide, if the texting is really worth your marriage. You are not disengaged as the texting has emotional space in your head. Moreover, the fact that your dh is secretive about it points out that this is an issue in your marriage. You may not be saying anything when he texts, but he may be reading your body language. As other have mentioned, give him your verbal blessings to text in the open. Texting is the elephant in the room, you and your dh are pretending it is not there. By bringing the conversation about texting to light, in a positive way, the elephant will no longer remain. By the way, to this day, I hate hearing any phone ring. I just cringe!

CANYOUHELP's picture

Great advise Enuf, you are right---if I am thinking about it, it is in my head and it is my issue. Strong point.... it needs to be completely out of my head; most the time it is..it just becomes more visually obvious sometimes, I guess. But, I will work on it. We do not have any other issues, nothing. He keeps most everything away from me. Overall, we have a great marriage, very compatible, and enjoy our time together. Without a doubt, he loves me, though is inability to protect me/us from direct insults has allowed me to question the depth. He does not even defend himself with these skids, so why would I think he would for me?

Your SS sounds like me makes this group of adult juveniles look nice. What a disgusting man with zero life, it appears. Very pathetic. I have been reading your posts and I so happy you are out of that mess, as you are the clear winner. Your husband will not be happy hanging out with SS all the time either, you can bet on that. In the end, you will be much happier than the man you married, if you are not already, even going through this major life transition.

Thank you for your response and I cannot wait to hear of your life twists and turns in the future. I'll keep you posted of my fun too.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am almost 99.9% certain it is not another women, the response text I saw was from his daughter late last night.

I am sorry to hear about your husband, ugh...I know it takes daily courage to work through that....Glad to hear you are trying to make it work.

But I understand where you are coming from lady; he has gone to the DR, has below low testosterone, probably more than you wanted to know..lol, but fully trust again, I am not certain I ever will, unfortunately, regardless of what is going on.

sandye21's picture

How many times a day does he text to each of the skids? I ask this question because sometimes people actually get addicted to texting.

Last week I had an ultrasound. The tech was continually interrupting the test to text. This sort of bothered me because his focus was more on his smart phone when it should have been on the test. If I reported this to the hospital where he worked they would have told him that there is a time and place for texting - the workplace is not one of them.

I also have friend who is constantly texting her kids - in the middle of our conversations at the gym, all of the time. Sorry, but I think it is rude.

So what is the degree of texting that your DH does with his kids? If it is on the level of enuf's exDH and exskid with their constant calling, it is just too much. If his texting is more than three times a day to each skid, it is too much. If DH is overdoing it, ask him what he would do if you were texting your relatives as much as he is the skids?

If he is not really overdoing it, you need to give disengagement a bit more time. The more time you are disengaged the less you care about the calls he makes to the skids. It's been 5 years since I disengaged from SD. I could care less when DH calls her or what they talk about as long as he treats me with respect.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Trust me, he generally does it away from me so I am not certain how frequently, I never see him at home. But he takes the phone in the bathroom and every dang place else he goes, so who knows? Most days we are together all day and I see nothing. It is the first response I have seen from his daughter in ages. But, he makes certain I do not see his phone;it t is like an appendix to his body.

It is true about time and disengagement, I am much better than I was a year or even two years ago, but I guess I still have a way to go, huh? He does alway treat me with respect. I used to tell when he had spoken with them, and the topic must have been me, because of what came out of his mouth and how he said it, I could just tell. That does not happen at all anymore. Now, he always acts the same, which is much better.

Thank you for helping me.

Thumper's picture

Where did she go?

Assuming that he texts his kids means nothing, facts such as print outs from telephone company holds water.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Sorry Goodluck, I had to get some chores done that could not wait... I know...He's using a company phone, however. I cannot get my hands on these, unfortunately--or maybe fortunately, I am not certain which is better..lol.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi Sueu2,

I have stopped a lot, I was putting up with an unbelievable amount of mess; but, I cannot complain too terribly much because within the last year--so much has been eliminated. I was willing to divorce him at that point. I believe he even knew things had to change when all the BS started and it would not stop. He has supported me in the changes, i must say, but actually did nothing himself-- to bring changes about. I did all the grunt work, naturally. He just will not stop them no matter what they do or say and to whom. These changes were made my me, I am the one that stopped their behavior in my house with me present, not him.

I have paid an emotional price but I have eliminated much of the direct disrespect.

You are right, we would have split long ago if things had not changed. I have zero contact of any kind, with any of them, it is been about a year now.

sammigirl's picture

I also had to be the one to take action, but it is worth it and I feel better knowing I took the energy to save my marriage.

I am more determined now to put my marriage back together, even though I know it won't ever be the same. But things change in life and I'm willing to start over with making it good.

I even told my DH "I love you and SD can stick that one up her nose". DH even smiled on that comment and hugged me.

Stepdrama11's picture

I understand completely. I have the same thing with my DH and 2 SKs. Everything is a secret. It is painful partly because it is social exclusion/isolation, which is recognized as one of the most severe forms of bullying. He is essentially having an emotional affair with his kids. It involves all the same emotions as a sexual affair would, including betrayal and a constant sense of "what don't I know that I should know."

You have disengaged from your SKs, not your DH. I did not decide to go into a second marriage to be ostracized and excluded just because some spoiled adult children have decided to try and wreck our marriage. These behaviors were a huge focus when we went to counseling and continue to be an issue, although there are some faint sighs of hope.

Vent away. If things are good except for this issue, then maybe addressing it, hopefully in the presence of a neutral counselor, may help.

Best wishes. You are not the only one facing this.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thanks Stepdrama11,

I did go see a counselor and she believes it is classic case of jealousy; but whatever it is--it has been something to deal with for both my daughter and myself. Knowing what it is, doesn't make it any easier, actually. They hated the others in his life, worse than me, I used to hear all about it from them--until they started hating me. He does not want to go because he is afraid of what he will hear.

"I did not decide to go into a second marriage to be ostracized and excluded just because some spoiled adult children have decided to try and wreck our marriage"

So true, I had this crazy vision for one big happy family, wow...was I wrong? Working hard at this--did not mean it would work. It is not like everything else, you know...you work hard and you will succeed. Not this time....

Thank you for your response, it was helpful and, I feel like i have a mini family of people I never met here....Thank you SD!! and all of you for your honest coaching and support.

I will put the information to good use.

toleaveornottoleave111's picture

Hi All, it is amazing to me that so many of us are going thru virtually the same situations with our DH & skids. I want to throw my DH's cell phone off the balcony, we live on the 10th fl so I'm sure it would be destroyed. I personally know how many times my DH & dtr texts & call because his cell is in my name & I see his usage details. I also went to counseling, she told me that the relationship betw DH dtr is codependency. She thought it was unusual for a 56 yr old man & his 36 yr old dtr to be texting & calling each other 10 to 20 times daily when they both have jobs & she has 2 kids as well. My therapist also told me it was nothing I could do about, she said my DH was holding on because his dtr moved away & he also lost his mom a few yrs ago. she told me to call him out on it, I did my DH told me he feels sorry for his dtr because she decided to move to another state & is lonely, she is not with her kids dad. I think my DH is afraid to lose his dtr like he lost his mom. It doesn't make me feel good as his wife to know that he has, had such a dependency on his dtr & mom. I don't want to continue to feel sorry for him, I want a DH who is strong & makes me feel secure. I think he sneaks around with the texting, calling because he knows it's excessive but it continues. Your right I have to start the process of disengaging from my DH, as well as continuing to disengage from his dtr. I'm grateful for all of your posts.

Rags's picture

Sneaking is the deathnell of a marriage. That secrets and sneaking is such a major part of DH's character... you have a decision to make.

Take care of you.

enuf's picture

I do not think it is a good thing to disengage from dh unless you are planning to divorce him. You are supposed to have a trusting and a committed caring relationship with one's husband. That is what you should be working towards. Next time he sneaks out to text or talk, go sit next to him. That should make him a little uncomfortable.

toleaveornottoleave111's picture

Trust,hmm, 10 yrs ago my DH's dtr decided to move to another state, her mom's family lived South, she was 26, my DH didn't tell me until she left, when she couldn't find a job there he supported her financially. She found a job wanted her own place my DH sent her the $, then she needed a tv, furniture, my DH sent it to her, Then she decided she didn't like her new place, left it & everything in it, found another place, my DH sent her the $ again, then DH dtr met a man , got pregnant,& wants to come back to our home state, because she's not with the childs father, my DH paid for her to come back home as well as a babyshower,which I did attend, her mom did not contribute to any of these escapades. DH never told me about all of this cash flow. I really had no clue . After 2 mths dtr decides she wants to go back to reconcile with childs father that is when my SIL told me about all of the above. DH paid for their trip back, DH's dtr got a job, another apartment & she got pregnant again. . I could go on & on. Fast forward to today, DH dtr has 2 kids now, & DH still has to help her & grdkids financially. I so looked forward to just the 2 of us finally,my BD & S are grown my dtr 33, my son 29, they have their own place here in our home state, My DH & I moved to an apartment of our own , I thought that we could finally have that caring relationship but DH is so preoccupied & anxious about his dtr & grdkids, He doesn't want a divorce but I want an attentive husband who doesn't feel the need to talk & text his adult dtr 10 to 20 times a day, every day.

enuf's picture

Don't you just hate the invention of the cell phone! I was with my ex before the cell phone became popular. We did not have one. It was great as we could go for a drive and not have the ss, the man child, constantly calling. Once ss got a cell phone and dh got a cell phone that was the end of us as a couple. The hardest was when the calls interrupted our intimate moments and dh would jump out of bed to chat with his precious baby poo.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: serious... during intimate moment and DH jumps...

oh dang - from now on no more cell phones in the bed room.... Aergia also calls SO when we are in the room, but he ignores, mostly we will be reading any way lol..... but that might change one day

hereiam's picture

I still have a landline, DH and I rarely use our cell phones. His daughter does not even have his cell number (neither does anyone else in his family).

Cell phones, and the convenience of reaching somebody RIGHT NOW and wanting a response RIGHT NOW, have gotten way out of hand. Ours are for OUR convenience, not everybody else's.

A lot of people could use some cell phone etiquette lessons.

Acratopotes's picture

hello mum..... my parents does not have cell phone or internet lol.... and they are only in their 60's,
they say they enjoy life without becoming electronic slaves