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"I don't know if we can ever have a good relationship

Focused_onourlife's picture

Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there" is the latest OSD26 said to my DH. She's referring to the visit when she told me "she heard us". DH told SD he didn't witness me being unkind or unwelcoming to her at all. He also told her that their relationship is between the two of them and her BM needs to stop telling her things about him/us because she has no idea what goes on in our home and that she's caused enough damage between them.

I was sitting next to DH in the bed when this conversation was going on and of course more was said, she was trying to throw my name in several times before he finally told her to leave me out of it. After he got off the phone he asked if I can try to converse more with her on her next visit because she cells uncomfortable  (her words) coming here. I told him to practice what he preached to her. I also told him, if she does come I will address anything she wants to know regarding me. He said he understood BUT does he? Clearly not and I will not be dragged back into their dysfunction. He loved when I was the 'buffer' and so did she but I was also her competition and target (she will never admit that).

I may be wrong, but this is yet another manipulation tactic from both BM and SD. BM has trained SD very well but I wish they just go away. BM, for some reason still wants to punish my DH after 25.5 yrars and SD made it clear she didn't want me in the picture and when I gave her what she wanted, that's STILL not enough. I must admit though, this would have bothered me a year ago but now it's become comical. This girl will not be happy until SHE knows she has caused a rift between DH and I. She is in for a rude awakening once again. There's no question just another ridiculous attempt I guess. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there" 

Because mommy said so. What a ridiculous excuse that your DH should see right through.  Your DH is right in that the relationship is between SD and DH. But your SD wants to make him feel guilty and plant the seed in his mind that SM might be a big ol meanie, which is why she kept bringing you up. Mine used to do the same thing, if something happened that was completely unrelatd to me, she would find a way to attach it to me. To make me sound like a big ol meanie.

And then DH asks you to sacrifice yourself to make his relationship with his DD easier.  What exactly are you getting out of this?  Does he really really think that would make SD like you? I did that for years with mine and it sure didn't do any good. No, he just wants it easy for him.   Stand your ground that you will not be dragged into their dysfunction.  And SD wants to play the game of puppetmaster - doesn't want you around until you gladly remove yourself as her target, then she misses having that target. You are not going to be sacrificed for his divorce and his poor relationship with his daughter.  And definitely don't give SD and BM any indication that this has caused strife in your marriage.

mapitout's picture

"And SD wants to play the game of puppetmaster - doesn't want you around until you gladly remove yourself as her target, then she misses having that target. You are not going to be sacrificed for his divorce and his poor relationship with his daughter."

futurobrillante99's picture

Everyone wants you to play along in their effed up dysfunctional game. Because, you see, if they have a common scapegoat and target, they don't have to destroy each other. It's a case of "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Nothing unites people like a common foe. If the "foe" won't play along, then civil war breaks out between the parties.

Let them play their stupid games with each other. Of course DH wants you involved. You nailed it when you said you were his "buffer." When you were the target, it was easier for him to play Switzerland. With you not playing, he's in the hot seat and has to deal with his mating partner and the monster they bred.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"Let them play their stupid games with each other. Of course DH wants you involved. You nailed it when you said you were his "buffer." When you were the target, it was easier for him to play Switzerland. With you not playing, he's in the hot seat and has to deal with his mating partner and the monster they bred". Yes, that's all it is, is games mind games. It was definitely easier for him because he could just run and hide from SD and leave me to entertain her. We live 600 plus miles away (Thank God) so we only see her a couple times a year but every encounter with her left me more drained and PISSED off with him trying to tell me I should just ignore her and that she is jealous and brainwashed. 

Now that he has to deal with her on his own, he can see how much of a pita she is.

futurobrillante99's picture

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Just walk away. Mr. Pissed off will get over himself.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"Mine used to do the same thing, if something happened that was completely unrelatd to me, she would find a way to attach it to me".  And that is what drove me to disengagement with SD 2.5 years ago.

"And then DH asks you to sacrifice yourself to make his relationship with his DD easier.  What exactly are you getting out of this?  Does he really really think that would make SD like you? I did that for years with mine and it sure didn't do any good. No, he just wants it easy for him". You've answered your question. He wants to make it easier for him. I too did that for years and that's why I have no desire to get sucked back into their dysfunction. She told DH that she made several attempts to get me to engage in her conversation (when everyone was in one room together a hand full of times) and I would not say anything if she was talking but I interacted and laughed with everyone else. Of course I did that and DH probably picked up on that vibe as well but I was not mean or unkind to her in anyway. He was asking if I could converse if she initiates a convo. I still told him NO and She is here to see him.

Though my DH was never married to her BM they (SD and BM)both STILL act as though I tore their relationship apart. Hell, he was in a whole other relationship/marriage after her and before me. They are just mad because they have lost their control over my DH that they once had and assume I'm the cause. I will not get sucked back into that mess.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

"They are just mad because they have lost their control over my DH that they once had and assume I'm the cause."

That's it right there - loss of control. 

My OSD prides herself on being able to manipulate people; she even bragged about it. She also bragged about how cute and charming she was and that everyone liked her.

So with that wonderful assessment of herself, it can only be my fault that she no longer has her dad wrapped around her finger. It of course has nothing to do with him finally opening his eyes and seeing that whenever he did not do what she wanted, he got punished. And that she really only cares what he can do for her, not the other way around.  And that she really doesn't care about his happiness, only hers.

But I get the blame anyway, which I am perfectly fine with now.  When she finally told DH I was not part of the family, she was shocked when I was happy to oblige her. I removed myself from her life and she has not seen me in years. I was not clamoring to be part of her enchanted family and beg to see her perfect children. You know, because she is SO CHARMING and everything.

somethingwicked's picture

No matter what this ADULT skid sez or does to try to taunt ,tease, insult, challenge etc etc YOU  into any kind of argument or standoff  just put the whore on ignore.

This Skid sounds like my EX SD..EX  because I 100% disengaged 5 years ago and have not had her anywhere near me or my life  since that last fateful visit. And my DH ,her father, also disengaged  two years later and has had minimal contact .

She was a toxic manipulator of facts and  fabricator of whopper lies. 

Yours falls into the same putrid type of shit -stirrer category  .

If you were practicing disengagement then stepped back in because of your DH  wanting you to pick up some of the interpersonal slack or act as a buffer for all the crazy his daughter delivers in drips, drabs or dump trucks ,please back up ,step out and get back on the Disengagement Train.

Let DH and HIS daughter deal with the  issues that have NOTHING to do with you.

Believe me, if you were a CHAIR or some other inanimate object   that Mommee Dearest or the spoiled narcissistic  spawn viewed as the reason DADDEE doesn't devote his every moment and molecule of his being to them ,you would still be targeted for their hate fest.

Like Lamby writes:Stand your ground and refuse to be dragged into THEIR dysfunctional relationship.

YOU were not there when it started years and years ago and you'll never fix this deep seated mental illness  ,this obsession  and possessiveness exhibited by this ADULT SD for her father .

Be a "Hi/Bye " person  when she is around .No matter what this little harpy tells DaaAAAddDEEEEE or shares the wisdoms from her mother's sainted mouth disparaging you , just put her on ignore. Lots of insipid smiles and  lack-luster waves ..Hi Bye..

That's it..Oh  an occasional "UhHuh " thrown in ,too, to throw her off  so she can't complain to DaaaAAAddDEEEE that you are ignoring.

But I really think you should just tell him to open his eyes and realize his daughter is trying to stir some shit up  when she falsely accuses  you in YOUR home  ; and so he can visit her somewhere far far away from your  peace of mind, your sanctuary.

I still cannot get over that sneaky ADULT pervert listening at the door when you and DH were being intimate.

What a creepy pervert. 

AND more power to you for now finding her ridiculous antics as comical.

Atta girl..you are winning at  disengagement on an emotional level because she can't intimidate or cause you fear and anxiety with her lies based upon  confabulations or whatever motivates these weirdos

Keep on it.

 

 

Focused_onourlife's picture

SW I absolutely will not step back into that ring. In fact, I have only encountered my SD 2 times since I disengaged and each time she and my DH see a different side of me and they are both pulling out the old tricks to try to get me back into their vortex of toxcity.  

"Be a "Hi/Bye " person  when she is around .No matter what this little harpy tells DaaAAAddDEEEEE or shares the wisdoms from her mother's sainted mouth disparaging you , just put her on ignore. Lots of insipid smiles and  lack-luster waves ..Hi Bye". YES, this is the person I was on her last visit. Not only was that new behavior for my SD and DH it was for me too. And I loved how much better I felt for the first time after a visit from her. She knows I'm done with her and that's also why she feels I ignored her and made her uncomfortable. I don't care how she feels and I think MY DH honestly thought I loved and cared about her like he does and I did at one point but that's long gone. And she and DH is the cause of that.

somethingwicked's picture

"YES, this is the person I was on her last visit. Not only was that new behavior for my SD and DH it was for me too. And I loved how much better I felt for the first time after a visit from her. She knows I'm done with her and that's also why she feels I ignored her and made her uncomfortable. I don't care how she feels and I think MY DH honestly thought I loved and cared about her like he does and I did at one point but that's long gone. And she and DH is the cause of that."

 

I could have written this word for word a few years ago, Focused.

I  too, really did love and care about his children even allowing some of their weird social interactions ,the aloofness and  some of the strange things they did or said pass. I was one of those live let live and ,too,  they were those so sad and to be pitied COD..LOLOL

I am laughing at my stupidity and naivete ..

They were little barracudas that popped outta their mother ,the shark,and their father was a big ,fat,  lazy ,marshmallow.

Lazy because he did NOT want to engage with them and happy if I was the ice breaker, planner ,chief cook bottle washer and social whirl coordinator. He just wanted to be the DAaaaDDEEE and get all the gravy , attention , thanks and hugs etc and allowed them (and him) to take from ,exploit  any giving nature  and use me without any consequences.

 

And as the years unfolded they got great ~expert! at their sneaky ,hurtful antics the gaslighting ,the theft , lies  by omission ,feigned  surprise or denial of their hurtful antics.They planned their  mean girl antics.

Amazing the dept of the hate I discovered following  the Grand Glorious Wedding Of The Century for OSD and after we shelled out half for 400 guests .

All deserve awards or trophies for their acting abilities.And my DH ,too, for maintaining his deaf dumb and blind act when he has no such disability.

It was Disengagement that saved me ,my sanilty , and ,too, he  also took that route  2 years after I stopped being the "SM".

WHY?
Because when I jumped off the crazy train HE then was targeted for attacks by them,now adultwomen.

HE had to step up and do and give to them.He is lazy, remember?

And selfish,too.

Ridiculous loss of my life..21 years of living a lie .

Please do not make the same mistake. Shut her  shit down by shutting her out and DH can deal OR not ..but you are done.

Save yourself.

 

 

Kes's picture

Like Sacrificial Lamb, I almost choked on my cornflakes when I read :

"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there" 

BM and SD are wangling to try and make you unpopular with your DH, like the conniving manipulators they are.  What a ridiculous statement.    My SD21 has always done exactly the same, ie poured poison into my DH's ears, about me for many years, but he isn't stupid and he can see right through her.   Personally, if I were you, I would completely stop any attempts to appease SD - you are never going to anyway, so why waste the effort and wind yourself up in the process?  Put your energies into something else.  

 

Focused_onourlife's picture

"My SD21 has always done exactly the same, ie poured poison into my DH's ears, about me for many years, but he isn't stupid and he can see right through her". Yeah, my SD has done the same and I know my DH sees right through it as well. He just thought this time she "changed" because she actually reached out to him and told him she wanted them to fix their relationship. He's usually the one chasing honestly. I don't even like discussing her with him anymore but I did tell him that she is manipulating him and I'm not getting involved with her/their games. 

I stopped trying to appease my SD almost 3 years ago she's just trying to get my DH to force me to re-engage with her so she can start back up with her hateful mind games. And he really think she wants a fresh start. Like you said, it's a waste of energy and time. I'm done with it.

futurobrillante99's picture

SD lives 600 miles away and you only see her a couple times a year?

"Dear husband, you only get to see her a couple times a year. She's coming to see YOU and I know how important this time is ofr the two of you to spend together. I'm off now to see my friends/family/spa day/movie marathon, etc. I hope you have a wonderful visit. Hugs and kisses."

Then, make yourself scarce.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Thanks for that example to get away, i think i might use that. About 2 years ago, I told him the next time she visits I'm leaving and getting a hotel room for the weekend and he freaked out and called her to ban her from our home until she can be respectful . Then he reneged the next day but the damage with SD was already done and of course she blamed me. Now their 'trying- to repair their relationship  (hard eye roll).

I will try your suggestion next time. It sounds more like a concern then a problem!

SacrificialLamb's picture

I have told my DH that will I will not re-engage with SD if she doesn't even treat her own father with respect.  If she does not treat him with respect, its a hopeless cause for her father's wife - the Family Intruder. 

I put the ball completely back in their court and told him when I saw them have an appropriate, respectful father-daughter relationship, I would reassess my opinion on the matter.  And that is because I know that will never happen.

If I were you I would tell your DH the same thing.  "Show me that father and daughter have repaired their relationship and that it's healthy.  And by the way,  someone else, namely me, getting the blame for all the problems, is NOT healthy."

mapitout's picture

adult skids with you to therapy and let be heard in front of an a non stake holder some of the things that are stated such as, "Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there". 

"After he got off the phone he asked if I can try to converse more with her on her next visit because she feels uncomfortable  (her words) coming here". Well, maybe you feel uncomfortable, too! Why is it about DH's comfort, the skids comfort, the ex's comfort and not your comfort? There is a huge disconnect when adult skids believe their parent's marriage to someone other than their bio should fit their expectation and not the two people who are making the commitment! Yes, it is about control, they never really had control before, they had the illusion of control because that's all they knew!!

There seems to be a constant projection and placing of blame in these situations instead of owning a part in the dysfunction. In simplistic terms, it takes two to tango.   

Focused_onourlife's picture

"After he got off the phone he asked if I can try to converse more with her on her next visit because she feels uncomfortable  (her words) coming here". Well, maybe you feel uncomfortable, too! Why is it about DH's comfort, the skids comfort, the ex's comfort and not your comfort? There is a huge disconnect when adult skids believe their parent's marriage to someone other than their bio should fit their expectation and not the two people who are making the commitment! Yes, it is about control, they never really had control before, they had the illusion of control because that's all they knew!!" And I remember telling my DH several times (over the years) before I disengaged how uncomfortable and uneasy I was around SD and most of family for that matter. His solution was to always ignore them and let them be mad and deal with their own issues. And while I agree and have that same mindset, it was his job to set his family straight and I give it to him, he tried but they started doing/saying underhanded shit that he was blind to and if It wasn't blatant he felt we should have ignored it. It took me snapping on him one day and telling him I.WAS.DONE with his whole family and him too if he had a problem with it. It took alot for me to stand up to him like that because I always supported his relationships with his family (as he did mine with my family) and let him lead our family. 

What i didn't realize was that, I didn't have to go to his family events and be miserable to support him. In fact this wasn't about support to him at all, it was about his comfort like you said. What was he going to tell his family when they asked where I was? Why I didn't come? How does it look that I don't show up? Etc, etc.. I have to give my DH credit because he has always set boundaries with his family regarding me but he wasn't all that good at giving or sticking to consequences. In fact he is  just getting to that point with his employees and customers at 46 so I know with his family it'll probably be at 50. Lol

Back to my SD, it's about control with her. She has always had a bossy side to her, even when she was 5,6... with her siblings or who ever in her peer group or younger. I also know she is very insecure of her relationship with my DH. They have never had a close daddy/princess relationship. She really think that because she was here first he is supposed to put her before me no matter what the situation is and regardless if she's right or wrong. My SD is used to everyone overlooking her behavior and I was the only person to correct her, call her on her shit and cut her toxic ass off and she doesn't know how to handle this and neither does my DH it seems. 

tog redux's picture

If my SS said that to DH at age TWENTY-SIX (or now, at 18), he'd ask him when he planned to start thinking for himself.  I can't believe your DH entertained that nonsense.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Daaddeee is your issue, SD is just a symptom of his parental sickness.  Stay away from the family nut house until he can get a grip on his DD and teach her 101-- respect my wife.  Change is unlikely, so you be the change in your life, and do not count on DH to protect you. You do it.....yourself.

Healyourslf's picture

"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there"

SD clearly has BM cranial rectosis.  (Translation: SD needs to remove her head from BM's ass.)  

Banish them to the island of Step Misfits!  

 

Focused_onourlife's picture

"(Translation: SD needs to remove her head from BM's ass.) " I agree with this 100%. That will never happen because in SD's mind her BM shits gold and she will never believe a word my DH say over her BM. She's a sick, lost cause. 

notasm3's picture

I refuse to even have a Hi/Bye relationship with SS and his GF.  They literally do NOT exist in my life.  Except that I did help DH pick out some really obnoxious (but cheap) Christmas presents for the grandchild that will really piss off the GF especially.

Part of the reason that I think DH is so compliant in keeping them away from me is that he knows that I would have no filter in telling them exactly what I think of them.  

One has to be more subdued when you are dealing with a minor child - but a grown a$$ adult is fair game.

You could tell your DH that you will "converse" with her but he's probably not going to like what you have to say to her.