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SD heard US

Focused_onourlife's picture

My OSD26 and DH has finally decided to give it another go at their relationship 2 months ago. SD came down to visit last weekend and while I didn't leave  (as I told my DH I would almost a year ago) when she came, I was polite but distant. We only said "HI" upon her arrival and gave a fake hug. DH was very awkard with SD, practically running from her since she came. Anywho, she visited mostly with our BK's. 

We had s*x that night she arrived (sorry TMI) and apparently loud and she obviously heard it. Now, the way our house is set up, she had to come and listen by our door to hear it. So the next morning she came into the kitchen when I was cooking, (keep in mind I'm disengaged from her 2 plus years) we were in the kitchen alone, made awkward small talk and then (only time since her arrival we've been alone) she told me she "heard us last night" and I just laughed and said "oh okay" and continued cooking. WTF? I didn't know what to say to that so I changed the subject and asked where our BD was.

It seems like she was upset about it and was confronting me and when I turned around she was looking at me like a jealous 'side piece'. I don't want anything to do with her and I certainly didn't expect that to be our 'ice breaker ' conversation. I kept my distance the rest of her visit forced a smile when we crossed paths.  This is going to be a long road ahead seeing as though like my DH days "I shouldn't have to leave our home for her presence". I will make a point to make other plans her next visit.

Just  a weird update I guess. I could see this (the visit in general) was awkward for her as well but she has a long road ahead if she thinks we can't f*** while she's in our home .

Harry's picture

Life.     Your house, your bed, you do in it what you want 

Nottakingit's picture

I agree, be louder next time. What a weirdo!! It's one thing to joke about it, but being her age and upset about it?! That's just gross. My SO doesn't really care if his or mine hear us, I'm the one who worries about that lol But none of our kids get upset. They either act like nothing happened or they make fun of us.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Very weird. There has been times that I know our kids may have heard us and like yours, by the way they act but never upset. I guess she expected an apology.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

I would have told her that she would have had to have been standing right outside the door to know that....did she want to see the video too?

hereiam's picture

I agree, that if she had to be standing outside of your door to hear you, you should have asked why she had been standing outside of your door.

But good for you for just brushing her off and not getting defensive or getting into a conversation about it. It's none of her business and you certainly don't owe her an explanation or an apology or whatever it was that she was after. What does she think you and your husband do as a married couple? Duh.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"It's none of her business and you certainly don't owe her an explanation or an apology or whatever it was that she was after. What does she think you and your husband do as a married couple?" Exactly! She was definitely after something to even bring it up and her tone and body language confirmed that. She's going to have to get over it. Lol. DH has 6 kids (4 ours, 2 SC) he certainly has to be active...

MissTexas's picture

First, let me say, "You go girl!" Good for you that you still have an active sexual relationship with your man.

That being said, did you ask why she had clearly gone out of her way to be at your bedroom door? That seems very strange, period.

Why on earth would she think it would be acceptable to tell you she heard you? What outcome was she hoping for? Shame? Anger? That, to me seems like an effort to provoke you, or engage you, as I feel she may've expected you to get defensive, so she could run to daddy and tell him how mean you are.

I would definitely have had to say more, and ask questions.

In agreement with previous's your bed, and get LOUDER next time!!


Focused_onourlife's picture

I was so shocked and caught off guard. I beat myself up afterwards with the "I should have said..". Trust me, I'm ready for her next visit lol. I think she was being her usual passive aggressive self the more I think about it (since daddy chose me over her(her words to him) I'm going to pick at her). I mean, i would expect that from one of our parents if anything. Whatever her aim was it was an epic fail because I laughed in her face and changed the subject.

I'm tempted to get louder on her next visit! LOL and hugs back!!

MissTexas's picture

Don't you just hate all the great thoughts you have after the fact? I think very well on my feet, and would've had NO problem with a witty comeback, or "flipping the script."

Counselors are trained to ask, "Why do you need to know that?" when asked a question they do not want to answer. It could also be phrased as, "That's interesting, what do you plan to do with that information?" Write your unauthorized biography?

I'm sure you've shared this tidbit with DH. What was his response? Of course if he's anything like my DH, he will not address it with her. **SIGH**

Focused_onourlife's picture

Don't you just hate all the great thoughts you have after the fact? I think very well on my feet, and would've had NO problem with a witty comeback, or "flipping the script." Those are the worst moments. Like you, I usually have no problem with wit either but with this girl I have had to learn to thread carefully with her. I went from babying her, to being her ear, to calling her out, which backfired, to disengaging and now trying to find my balance with her now that she's coming back around when she comes to me. Thanks to you, the other posters and this site in general I got some good tools!

MissTexas's picture

It certainly sounds like you’ve had a long history of trying to work with her. It’s sad that everyone can’t resoect each other and make that happen.

I have gotten a kick out of your list, as I find it so absurd and incomprehensible! I’m glad we’ve been able to help! Maybe you can read my list and offer up some advice.

sandye21's picture

Your response to SD was perfect!  It appears she was drawing at straws to try to find something to shame you about and you didn't give her the satisfaction of making you defensive of embarrassed.  Notice, she approached you when you were alone - not when DH was present.  This was typical of my SD.  She would have never uttered the trash she did to me in front of her Father.  In front of DH she was just as sweet as could be.  Just wondering if you told DH about it?  Did SD accuse DH (to his face) of being too loud?

Next time, not only should you be louder, LOL, when she brings something like that up again tell her that you will relay her complaint to her Father for her.  And add, "  He was just as responsible for the noise as I was", get an all sparkly look in your eyes and laugh.

MissTexas's picture

In reading so many posts, it is as if these SD's all attended the same class or university on how to behave in the presence of SM and DH.  It is uncanny how similar so many of these responses are!

A few that come to mind: SD cuts me out of pictures, doesn't include me, says things to me alone she would not say in front of DH, mail is only addressed to DH, not SM, they plan things that don't include SM, they talk over or around me as if I am an inanimate object, SM puts careful consideration and thought/time/effort/energy into buying nice gifts for SD but DH gets all the accolades, and SD gives the "poo-poo" gifts/spends like a money whore on herself, and gives SM the "gift with purchase" items...I could go on and on...all the passive aggressive behaviors are beyond belief.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Thanks Sandy! "It appears she was drawing at straws to try to find something to shame you about and you didn't give her the satisfaction of making you defensive of embarrassed" You are spot on, that's exactly what she was doing. This seems to be my SD approach since i told her i was done with her until she apologized and explained to me "how i ruined her relationship with her dad" after her mass of text havong a meltdown with me for calling her out . She has always been more cpmfortable talking to me than my DH so at the time that did not register but now that you pointed that out, I think she made sure we were alone to tell me that. I did tell DH about it and he sort of laughted and said WTF is wrong with her. She would NEVER ask him anything remotely close to that! She is beyond the stage of playing good daughter with him, She's more of the sneaky or blandly rude (I'll just spazle out and cry if he says anything to me about my behavior) daughter.

You gave some good pointers and tips as always!

CANYOUHELP's picture

You have to work to hear all she claims, would be my guess.  Make it really exciting for her the next visit.  Leave toys around the house and let her imagination go crazy. If she says much more about what you do in your own house, I would tell her you would be happy for her to stay out of your house, and remain in a location where she is more than likely sex-free. What you do is none of her business, too bad most of these selfish women think we are their business. She  has a big issue with you, otherwise she would have said nothing to you. She went out of her way to say it! She would not say much more....

These women will only approach you without husband present, they know they "get away" with things. They always put the kind face on for daddeeeee and work to anger the wife. Deal with it calmly and, in front of your husband, ask her to repeat what she told you................. Video that....

MissTexas's picture

Sounds like she may not be very active in the bedroom herself,  coupled with trying to get a "rise" (pun intended) out of you!

Great advice from CANYOUHELP:" front of yoru husband, ask her to reapat what she told you..." Now wouldn't that upset the o'l Apple Cart? Putting SD on the spot in front of DADDEEEEE.

And I's none of SD's business. With some of these men, that's about ALL they aren't doing for and with their SD's. Maybe she's jealous(?). I also agree with you CANYOUHELP, we are NOT their business, and she went out of her way to MAKE IT HER BUSINESS. Daddeeee must be proud of his crazy little *itch.

Focused_onourlife's picture

You know funny that you said that, she don't have a man and haven't since her HS crush broke her heart. She told me after she finally dumped him, at 17 that she was going to become celibate. Now I haven't had a deep convo (drama free) with her in over 2 years so I don't know if that changed. I think you may be right though, Miss T, she need some D!! LOL LOL LOL I don't know why I didn't think of that. You should have saw the way she was looking at me when I turned around. LMAO

Focused_onourlife's picture

Too funny CYH! She would have a heart attack if I did that! LOL. She definitely has a big problem with me since I got pregnant with our BS19 and have just been able to hide it over the years (not always) and now that she's grown and knows I will call her out if she is too rude she found a way to take a shot at me. If that's what she calls it! 'Evil grin'

sandye21's picture

Think of the great gifts you can buy for SD for Christmas from her 'Secret Pals'!!!  Oh!  you could have a ball with this one - and never admit to a thing.  If she comes over for Christmas buy her a set of earplugs and a pair of cheap binoculars so she can unwrap them in front of Daddy.  After all, she approached you - all alone to chastise you for making all of the noise that she had to sneak up to your door to hear.  She wouldn't have the nerve to have accused Daddy - oh no!  Just you.

As I wrote, my SD did this cr*p and I never said or did anything when she bent over to deliver a verbal barb.  Oh, if only I had it to do over again!  As some of the posters have suggested, ask her to repeat to DH what she said to you.  She needs to be put on the spot.  Do you care if she stays with you again?  And do you care if you have a relationship with her?

Practically everyone over the age of 30 has accidentally heard someone having sex.  No one wants to hear other people having sex.  But what do they usually do?  Walk away.

MissTexas's picture

Don't you have a license to have sex or be intimate with each other? Does she not realize this is a NORMAL/HEALTHY marital activity? Wasn't DADDEEE also an active participant? I'm sure SD wasn't just having a solo moment...why didn't DADEEE get called to the carpet?

Most normal people would walk away and remove themselves from the situation.

I agree with sandye21, we've all been in that awkward situation, inadvertently,  of overhearing someone in the heat of passion, whether it be at a hotel, an apartment, or a guest in someone's home. Just go for a walk, listen to your music with earphones...anything but STAND THERE AND BE A WILLING AND ACTIVE AUDITORY VOYEUR!

MissTexas's picture


I know in the deep south the pineapple is a symbol of southern hospitality. It is not uncommon (or at least it wasn't back in the day) to leave a pineapple at the foot of the bed when a guest had overstayed his or her welcome. It was a sign that it was time to move on and find other accommodations.

In this instance, upon SD's arrival (preferably just before) why not find the biggest, most obnoxious substitute toy and place it under SD's pillow, just like the tooth fairy would a quarter. Now wouldn't that be a conversation fodder!

sandye21's picture

Ya, I my imagination was just going wild there for a moment thinking of all of the 'things' that could be given as a gift or 'found'!  LOL LOL  But I certainly like the pineapple idea. 

I sure wish I knew before disengagement what I do now!  SD would have been 'exposed' to Daddy so quickly she wouldn't know what hit her.  These nasty SDs depend on the element of surprise to throw us off guard so we can not come up with a good answer for three days.  And they take delight in watching us emotionally wrestle with their unexpected insult which was carefully planned so Daddy wasn't around.  If I had it to do over, I would have a whole list of come-backs for SD.  One thing I wish I had done was installed a Nanny-cam so DH could actually SEE what SD did instead of blindly spouting off, "I didn't see her do it."  It took 20 years for him to actually witness the real SD. 

MissTexas's picture

20 long

I don't know if the nanny cam would even convince some of these men. I had asked my husband if he called his daughter or she called him once. He said she called him. I checked our phone records IN FRONT OF HIM and showed him that the arrow pointing upward shows an outgoing call, while one coming inward shows an incoming call. He looked me in the eye and denied CALLING HER, telling me it must be some glitch on the phone company's part!

Same with emails that clearly show the date and time stamp He denied she knew anything about what the emails contained, but when I showed him the printouts with the time stamps, he said, "Well I'm just going by what I was told by my daughter." I told him "She's lying. People lie but digital footprints do not, and they cannot be altered."


Oh yes...the list of comebacks we could all compile....after the fact!

Focused_onourlife's picture

LMAO at ear plugs and cheap binoculars! That would be a great idea! She sounds alot like your SD except my SD has been very good at saying/doing things indirectly. She knows I will not tolerate blatant disrespect which is why i cut her off 2 years ago. She grew balls via text and told me everything she's been wanting to for years via text.

I do NOT want a relationship with her but at this point, I have no problem with her coming to visit my DH and BK's and can be polite/distant with her. I know she's going to find another way to sass me on her next visit, but like I told my DH I will handle her without the kiddy gloves this time if she does.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Regardless of what I think the SD heard you.  The part that really boggles my mind is that she had the audacity to bring it up to you!  I mean really!  The polite, normal thing to do would have been just to ignore that she heard.

Perhpas she will not want to cme around your house now which is good for you.  But you do  not owe her any response for this, she owes you an apology for lack of good manners.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Exactly SDM! That's why I was so shocked.  I don't know anyone who would have had the nerve to bring it up. I personally think she got mad that we were getting along and loving towards each other  her whole visit tbh. I even saw her from my peripheral vision, at one point side eyeing us when my DH was hugging and tickling me from behind. After her supposed confrontation. 

I doubt she will stop coming around, she desperately wants a relationship with my DH (on her terms=control) but sees me as a competition for some reason. But like my DH said, she can't give him what I do and apparently the way her twisted mind is, he does not need me she should be his # 1. Sad. She will never apologize, in her mind she did nothing wrong.

MissTexas's picture

It's just another way for SD to gain brownie points with DADDDEEEEE....and you'll look like the jerk if you say it wasn't sincere.

A feigned apology from SD is a waste of everyone's time. As badly as some feel it is deserved...when I think about it, I have come to the conclusion SD is absolutely nothing to me, and I don't care what she thinks about me, however, that being said, if I demonstraate respect for someone/anyone, including her, then it should minimally be reciprocated.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Oh i hear you! That was my way of leaving the door open for her 2+ years ago in hopes of giving her 1 last shot of making things right between US (She and I). The statue of limitation has expired. I HOPE she doesn't apologize now. There has been nothing but peace without her calling/texting me. If she decides to apologize now, I would be very suspicious. It would not be genuine. 


ETA: I even told DH I will support his relationship with my SD and stay out of theirs and I would like him to support mines with her and stay out of it. Only time will tell but i will be peaceful with or without her drama. If she called me today and apologized for last weekend or beyond that, she would have to prove herself before I even begin to try to trust her again.

SacrificialLamb's picture

My DH has been trying to get his daughter to apologize to me for over three years now. She has used various excuses:  1. she already did apologize, 2. she did nothing wrong and doesn't need to apologize, 3. she couldnt' help her behavior, thus does not need to apologize (this is a middle-aged woman).

So I am not waiting and I want nothing to do with her.  I know that if there ever is an apology my DH will be giddy and expect us to all hold hands and sing campfire songs, but I would tell him how nice, I will wait until her behavior matches her words.  I have a better chance of winning the lottery and buying a new house on Millionaire Dream Home.

At the core, I think these entitled skids feel justified in their behavior. And we SM's are second class citizens in the family, so we are not worthy of an apology in the first place.

MissTexas's picture

SD swore to DH she apologized to both of us when all of this happened, THAT DAY, however, neither DH nor I heard it. Typical with a narcissist though. I can tell you, if I though someone was going to slap a restraining order on me, I would try to do anything and everythign to deter that, as it stays on your record, unless you pay an attorney to have it expunged.

It's true, they feel entitled, but that does not negate the fact that we are who the DH's have chosen to go down life's path with, and if for no OTHER REASON these grown "mini-wives" need to accept and respect that. In doing so, they respect DADDEEE.

Focused_onourlife's picture

My DH has NOT been trying to get my SD to apologize. Instead he tries to sell me to her simply because she told him he chose me over her. He knows i had good intentions, he's even told me several times. He tried to take the easy way out with my SD and his family by doing this instead of setting boundaries with them and putting them in their place. He hates confrontation when it comes to his family and i think it stems from him being adopted. 

It took me telling him,  I will not go around his family ever again (I had to muster through my FIL's funeral, wasn't going to that until he was on bended knees begging me saying he needed me) for him to realize I was not putting myself in any more uncomfortable situations to appease him while he wanted me to ignore them, for his comfort. My DH is good at ignoring most people's behavior and think that should be my way. It's sad that he felt he was about to lose me to realize he has to honor my wishes in regards to his crazy family to take it serious that I have boundaries.

In my case,  I know Sk's feel justified for their behavior because I've witnessed my DH family (especially mil) sweep their behavior towards me under a rug and expect me to "do the right thing" by going along. Sadly , it took my disengagement and boundaries for my DH to wake up and start setting his family straight. He still won't always verbally put them in their place but his actions speaks to them. 

I even got bold (after finally witnessing my DH NEW attitude) and told him to lower his expectations when it comes to his family (SD's included) and me. Because in my eyes, when he expected me to shut up/put up (or ignore them his words) he left me no choice.

SacrificialLamb's picture

This "you choose SM over me" tale of woe is something so ridiculous to me......these daughters are not eligible for the the role of wife/SO. Likewise, we are not eligible for the role of daughter. Why can't people be happy with their respective roles?  I guess they don't welcome the intrusion of another woman in daddy's life because he is no longer spending 100% of his attention on his adult child, which is a ridiculous expectation to begin with.

My DH tried for years to sell me to my SDs as well. I asked him why it was so important for them to accept me....they have been adults for decades. I don't want a relationship with them given their childish pot stirring behavior, he did not need their approval to get remarried, and I do not need their acceptance. If he feels I need their approval, he is welcome to return to his Original Family and leave me in peace.  He learned I will not play Mrs Doormat because he is ok with people trampling all over him.

My DH hates confrontation and was not adopted. Men place most value on their own comfort. That's why they don't want us bringing up issues with their precious poopsies. It's also why when the SM disengages and DH has to deal with his brat children all on his own, he can see them for what they are because his comfort is compromised.

Focused_onourlife's picture

ding, Ding, DING! You are spot on with every word you said! I could have written this exact same conclusion! I grew up a SC and my parents never allowed me to play them against each other in either homes and don't even get me started on the fact that my Gparents and Aunts/Uncles on both sides of the families backed my parents up. As a result, I respect, appreciate and love both of my SP's (RIP to my SF). My parents never had to sell my SP's to me but they did make sure i acknowledged any kind gesture they did for me. I said all that to say that, I think it's all about the upbringing. 

I also remember my SP's staying in the background (disengaged is what we call it now) and only got involved when I came to them with something but I knew my place and boundaries. I knew my parents spouse's were a priority without them even telling me and I acted accordingly because they raised me that way. I acted out at my dad's house ONCE with my SM and I got consequences at both homes. Hell, my SM was the one who told me to let my DH, then BF be the messenger and disciplinary with his kid's and BM's when she learned I was dating a man with kids. My mistake was not taking her advice and trying to fix their (OSD/BM, YSD/BM=XW was respectful) dysfuction.

I dived in head first and not only did my DH take my caring nature as weakness but so did my SD. "He learned I will not play Mrs Doormat because he is ok with people trampling all over him". And as your statement follows, it took almost 16 years for DH, his family and myself to understand that in every action there is a reaction and in my case, a breaking point. I always knew something wasn't right about this situation but in my case love was blind. I wish I had this site decades ago. 

Lastly, I've come to the conclusion in blended families of 2 things. 1) everyone was raised different and you can't expect people to behave the way you would and 2) most spouses these days, especially husbands expects the new partner/wife to fill the role of the EX with their baggage. I see that applies to new "father figures" as well. If they accept that we are their support system and not the BP then the rate for subsequent marriages and divorces would be cut in half.


still learning's picture

This whole scenerio sounds like a scene from Sister Wives.  It's just gross and inappropriate that she brought it up at all, then to do the jealous side eye while DH is showing you affection shows that she needs to learn her proper role in the family as child/daughter not confidante, partner, lover.  Just typing those words seemed so wrong but many divorced parents use their kids as emotional and physical crutches, they'll treat them like they would a spouse often even co-sleeping and being overly affectionate almost to the point of abuse.  When a new person fills that role they feel replaced.  

I have no idea what the relationship w/SD and DH was before you entered the picture but he obviously needs to set his daughter straight about how their relationship should go.  Privacy, respect, boundaries, she's a grown woman child and the two of you are parents.  

Focused_onourlife's picture

I agree Still learning! In our case, when I met DH my SD was 3 years old. He could barely see her because her BM was so bitter that he left her. If she could control him he could see her but if he didn't do thing her way, he was punished by not seeing my SD unless my now mil had her and 'snuck' her to my DH. They gave her too much power in my eyes. When I came on the seen, even at 18 and saw this happening, I told my DH it was unhealthy and he needed to find the money and fight for his rights as a parent.

He took crumbs because of his financial situation, and I refused to put a penny in to help. SD's BM taught her the reward/punish tactic and up until over a year afo, my DH did not put his foot down with my SD. He's practically disengaged with my SD but is hoping after he put her in her place she will change her attitude with him/us. 

SD is trying to find a way to still stay in control, even if she tries to get through me first (knowing I now have boundaries with her) and she's going to have to abide by our way, especially in our home. I think she's still trying to find her place in our family but she has allowed her BM too much influence in her relationship with my DH and me for that matter. She would tell anyone who listens that we, more so I are alienating her but she has alienated herself by acting out thus far. It's sad but she is old enough to know better now and even more sad she is finally learning boundaries at 26 but still trying to test limits any chance she gets. This is new for all of us but she will respect our home or not he welcomed back, her choice.

Rags's picture

I can’t count the # of times I have walked  in on my parents over the years.  Any (adult) child that takes exception to their parent(s) having an active intimate/sex life is fucked up.

While my parents and my bride and I have for the most part kept it behind closed doors when kids/guests are in the house we have never curtailed our amorous activities.

As for sexual vocality when others are in the home.... that is what pillows are for.

Have fun.  Toxic adult SD can F-off.


marblefawn's picture

Your SD is pretty bold. I can't imagine raising that issue with a parent or stepparent. I guess she felt she was calling you out on something that was supposed to make you feel some negative reaction -- why else would she mention it? And why mention it to you and not her own dad if there was some issue that needed to be discussed?

I used to find interesting what my SD said to me versus what she said to her father. She so rarely spoke to me, I knew when she did, it was calculated and motivated to get some reaction from me.

Focused_onourlife's picture

"Your SD is pretty bold" this is going to sound so crazy but over the years my SD has been more comfortable talking to me about anything over my DH. They have such a distant relationship. They are/were so uncomfortable around each. They both used me as a buffer. However, I believe she was calling me out. My SD's BM has always told her everything my DH said/did that they didn't like was my fault. I remember having a conversation with her BM (when SD lived with us) and BM boldly blamed ME for my DH having other kids and "forgetting about his first" and asked me "how i would feel if DH and I separated and he went on to have more kids and forgot about ours",  when she was the one who PAS'D SD and kept them away from each other until our OBS was born. My SD is emotionally stunted as even if my DH does/says something she doesn't luke, she will find a way to blame or point the finger at me. 

"I used to find interesting what my SD said to me versus what she said to her father. She so rarely spoke to me, I knew when she did, it was calculated and motivated to get some reaction from me". Like i mentioned above, my SD was comfortable talking to me then my DH, they are awkward but she certainty has always did/said things to let me know where i stood with her and instead od excusing her behavior in hopes she will grow out of it (at 7 she doesn't know better is learning from BM, at 15, she's adjusting to living with us, at 20 until now she has alot on her plare, etc...) I have finally realized she has a vindeta against me because she thinks her dad loves me more then her. I fell so sorry for her (her parents f***ed her up) but I refuse to be her target. I swear Marble, these adult female SD's that has jealous tendacies will stop at nothing.