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disengage? counseling?

red haired stepmother's picture

im having such a hard time with 22 yo SD. preganant, quit college in last semester of college, living with boyfriends mother, no urgency to get a job (both her and her boyfriend!), impending student loans for which my husband cosigned (we will be stuck with over $800 a month in loan when this girl defaults on them which will be any day now), the worst part is she lies about everything! everything! everything! and her father refuses to address it even when she is lying right to his face.
tonight DH and i were talking about her and as usual ended up in a debate about whether to address the lies when they happen. i told him i think i'm going to call her out on the lies at the moment they happen from now on and his response was this: you'll call her out on the lies then she won't come to visit because she won't want to come here to visit. then we'll have a problem because if i want to see her she won't want you around and then i'll just have to go see her alone"
i feel so totally un-supported! why in the freaking world won't he address the lying!!!! she lies about little things...big things and everything in between. she's a real storyteller! and it's really getting to me! he KNOWS she lies and still refuses to say anything. he just 'accepts' it (so he says) he is a good father! has always been a good father (i've known him since she was in middle school) he stayed in his first marraiage for a long time for his daughter! he has sacrificed so much for her and still will not put himself first.
i feel like allowing her to lie is allowing her to disrespect us!!!!!!!!!!!! and he doesn't see it that way.
i see people here mention "disengaging" can someone tell me how i learn to do that?
i want to go to counseling with DH but i'm so afraid he will deny me if i ask him to go. i've been to counseling on my own but i really need for him to go with me so we can get thru the SD issues together.
please....any words of wisdom will be appreciated.

Flippinexhausted's picture

This is how I disengage,when SS comes in the house,I leave the room.When SS sits down at the table I leave the table.When SS decides to remind his father how utterly awesome he is,(the SS)I giggle and leave the room.This is what I do,it may not be right,but it's working for me for the time being,till I figure out what and when I make the next move.As far as asking him to go to counseling,what could it hurt?It may cause a fight but I'm guessing your already doing that anyway,

LizzieA's picture

One way to disengage is to tell DH that if SD defaults on the loans, that HE will be making the payments, not you. There is no reason for you to have to carry his baggage. He is probably afraid to confront her because someone like her will probably flip out and he doesn't want to face that. So they keep playing the game.

ybarra357's picture

Whoa! Your story is so familiar OP - why these fathers are so paralyzed with fear of 'hurting' their darling daughters and sons is beyond me. I mean after all, it's a friggen sin to think that the 'children' need to GTFU and take responsibility!

My DH was furious at me because I wanted to confront SD for her BS. He tried to 'scare' me into keeping my mouth shut. Well, his scare tactics were an epic FAIL because I confronted her fat ass. Right in front of him. But then again, I'm outspoken that way! }:)

buttercookie's picture

At 22 she should not be allowed to act this way. She should find her own place. Where is baby daddy since she's pregnant? If you and your husband decide to allow her to stay you need rules and you need them before she gives birth or you'll be taking care of the baby too