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DH and SD flipped out! Does this mean it's over?

tinkertiff3721's picture

Hi! I recently started posting about my adult SD. I have anticipated this drama as she is on summer break. So Saturday she sent me a message this is what it said:

Hello. Would you care to elaberate on your reasoning for why you do not want me coming to my fathers house? Or why it will cause "issues" if I'm over there?

So being the mature adult woman that I am and lots of couseling under my belt this was my reply:

Sure! I don't have issuesat all. I have bounderies, which are healthy and protect everyone involved. There is absoulty no way using your "father's house" as a hotel for your convience is healthy for anyone expecially for the health and peace for the people who live here. You and your father have what ever relationship you two want. I am to be left out of it. Expecially when healthy boundaries are yet to exist. We've been in therpy for some time learing about these boundaries. Your father maybe scared to tell you, however I am not. Have a great summer! I'm excersizing my right to be totally disengaged.

After my reply to her all Hell broke loose. She called my DH family and sent my message. She didn't know that they were out to dinner with us and they are very aware of the situation with her. After she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for the verbal abuse started. She accused me of using her father for money, trying to get her out of his life. Called me all kinds of terrible names. At the same time she was unleasing her hatred on her father. This resulted in him blowing up! He got some boxes and threw all her things in them and dumped them on the driveway. He told her she was not ever to talk to DW like that again and never to knock on our door! Why am I so sad then?! I don't want her in my home that I work my butt off to help pay for. I've rented an apartment should he let her use this house as a hotel like previously. I'm so sad they can not ever have a healthy relationship. I know why everyone is so scared of her now. DH took along time in telling her about the boundries because he knew she would flip out and disown him. So now she is gone.. Is it time to relax and enjoy our new marriage without constant interferance or is this drama not over yet? 

futurobrillante99's picture

You should be happy your husband stuck up for you and you need to be patient with him because there will be blow back. He may have regrets and take some frustration out on you, down the road.

You should not celebrate toxic SD being put in her place, but you should thank your husband and people CAN change if they want to. Be hopeful when talking to him that maybe SD will wise up and reach out after she's had a chance to lick her wounds. Being scolded and told no is new for her and perhaps she will adapt and apologize, trying to mend things.

Do I think this will happen? Um, NO! But it's always good to give your husband hope that his SD will turn her attitude around. Makes you seem like the better person, too.

Merry's picture

Your role is to support your DH. Let him figure out his relationship with his nasty daughter. Yes, it is sad when a selfish child cuts off a parent. It's normal to mourn that loss. But don't be sad because your boundaries are what set her off. It's not your fault that she is the way she is.

There is hope that she will mature and have a more normal adult relationship with her father. Think of this boundary setting as a necessary step along her way to figuring out how to have that relationship. If she was always allowed to do what she'd always done, nothing would ever have changed. You are the catalyst!

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Sounds like a typical narc reaction. They HATE boundaries! 

But you were right to put them in place. She is welcome to the family IF she can respect the family. 

This is not respecting the family. Also congrats to you that your SO has taken a stand WITH you, that is not common around here. 

I agree with the others. She is your SO's problem. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. You are simply 'the spouse'. And that is a great position to be in!

ybarra357's picture

Wow, I'm envious.  I wish my DH would do that - but alas, I had to step up and rip SD a new one. My only regret is that I didn't so it sooner.  Or maybe I was hoping that DH would locate his spine. Oh well.  Enjoy yourself and your marriage. 

hereiam's picture

Well, she could not just take "no" as an answer from BOTH of the homeowners, and the elaboration on your reasoning did not sit well with her. Too bad. She will either calm down and realize that it's not her place to use your home like that....or she won't.

I doubt you've heard the last of her. She will need or want something, someday.

My SD was so mad at my DH and did not talk to him for a few months because we won't let her bring her criminal boyfriend (a thief) over to our home. Well, now she's pregnant so she called him. I think she thinks he will change his mind because of the baby. Good luck with that, we are not so easily swayed by babies.

You and your husband just stick to your boundaries. This is how kids learn to grow up, by being shown what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

sandye21's picture

Boy!  Are you lucky!  This is a time to go slow and calm.  Let DH deal with her when he chooses to, but be supportive of him as he has been for you.  There may be some backlash, he may even get angry with you at times.  Just remind him of your boundaries and walk off.

Don't be sad about clearing the air.  You merely stated your human rights.  In another month you will be thankful you are not dealing with her.

SD may grow up, but she seems too narcissistic to me too - I doubt it.  At least, if she decides to resume a relationship with DH she will not act so entitled

Survivingstephell's picture

DH had to put boundaries in place with his kids.  I was sad for a few days afterwards because I was caught up in the happy family fantasy dying.  I'm sure you went into this like many of us did that it would all be happy and pleasant and you were dealing with healthy normal people.  Then this crap happens and you wake up from you dream.  Take this week to just breath and get comfortable in a peaceful home.  The ground has shifted for better and I bet by next week you will feel better to be away from her.  

She will amp things up to test the new boundary set in place by dad, but you are free to disengage from it all and leave her to him.  That's best for you.  Just keep the home happy and calm and DH will come to appreciate it.  

notasm3's picture

Don't be sad.  She brought all of this on herself.  If they never have a healthy relationship it's because she is one sicko effer.

I doubt if my DH will ever have a great relationship with his son because his son is a major ahole.  DH was estranged from SS (after evicting him with police escort for violence) when I met DH almost a decade ago.  They actually reconciled in part because of me.  DH moved to where SS and I lived (I did not know SS) and they reconnected.  I tried to make things work with SS and  even gave him a 2nd chance the last time.  

SS and the GF have said horrible things about me and their idea of an "apology" is that I just need to get over it.   I'm 100% done permanently.  DH's relationship with his son is totally on him - just as long as he keeps SS away from me I'm okay with what they do.

Kes's picture

I loved what you said to her.   She flipped out because she knows you have got the measure of her.  Let her and DH work it out for themselves now, but well done to your DH for standing with you. 

MRBDDB's picture

You are so fortunate your DH spoke up and defended you, your home, your marriage and support the boundaries you set in place!  

I think what you said to her was very mature, to the point and clear with what your boundaries were and where you stood.  

If you guys are newly married, it's probably a good thing that you set these boundaries NOW instead of letting her spend years dictating your household and no one putting her in her place.

She is an adult now, this is your marriage, your husband and your home.  She has no say over any of those things.  

Good for you!!  Do not feel bad over this!

marblefawn's picture

The drama probably isn't over.

The triangle with my SD has gone through all kinds of phases over two decades.

So don't be sad, don't be happy, and don't get comfortable because it will all probably flare up again.

tinkertiff3721's picture

That's my biggest fear! I'm in a constant state of anixety because I can just feel the next shoe about to drop! There is seriously no telling what she will do! She went to California for a week but I'm sure when she gets back and gets bored she will try and cause more drama! I've resisted the urge to message back and tell her how I feel for almost a week. It took almost 2 years for DH to see his perfect princess is really an evil witch. What I said to her was exacly what we had learned in counseling and I did it in a poliet manner even though she was baiting me to get upset and say terrible things. Now I know why everyone has always given her exactly what she wants and act scared around her. Apparently I'm the last to know... 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Do NOT message her back and tell her how you feel. I made that mistake. You will give her a prop to show everyone how mean you are, and she will show everyone.  She will cry to her dad for years about the horrible things you said to her, even though she deserved them,  and now she even needs counseling boo hoo hoo. Read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle. Never ever ever be The Persecutor.