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Called out YSD's Behavior to DH

Disillusioned's picture

On Thursday I was working from home and decided to pay a quick window visit to my Mom who is in a long term care home, DH is retired and had nothing going on so he drove me so we could have a quick chat through the door/on speaker phone with my Mom. While we were about to do that, DH receives a phone call on his cell phone from YSD. Since she talks really loudly, I could hear every word she said to him

She says "Hi Dad just calling to see how you guys are doing"

He says "we're doing fine but just about to visit with Disillusioned's Mom in the hospital" (slip of the tongue he meant long term home)  but anyway, YSD then says she'll let him go then. She sounded ticked off or maybe just irratated. At best completely disinterested. 

We visit with my Mom and are heading back and DH says that it was YSD who called, to talk with us and see how we're were doing

Now the good news is, ever since YSD's little stunt back in April (when I spent my hard earned money buying a bunch of wonderful gifts for SGD, wrapping them, mailing them along with cards from DH & I in which we both wrote some very nice things, etc... and YSD decided to invite us to a video call where they could thank us, only to have her and SGD not even acknowledge I was on the call. Not so much even as a hello or thank you to me, let alone all the nice other nice things that were said to to DH and DH only such as "Papa - you're the best" and "I love you Papa" yada yada) that was the tipping point for me and I spoke out to DH that I was not only not pleased, but I was on to this game and I was not participating any longer

So on Thursday after DH says to me how YSD was calling to talk to "us" and see how we were doing (and of course expecting me to say oh how nice how sweet like I would have in the past) I did what I've been doing since April and he doesn't like it - called a spade a spade and corrected the 'facts'

I responded by telling DH that if YSD had called on the weekend or even during evening hours then I might buy that she was calling to talk with "us" but she called instead on a Thursday morning and as far as she knows I'm at work on a weekday morning. At best I'm working from home and would be up in the office and still not really available for a chat with her so no DH, YSD did call to talk with "us". She called to talk with you and exclude me. She doesn't care how "we" are doing other than to get the scoop on us/me and will be right on the phone to SIL, OSD and BM with the gossip most especially if it's something negative. 

And then I said to him that BTW he had referred to the long-term home as a hospital in error and when he said that we were visiting my Mom at the hospital did YSD even so much as ask why? Did she say oh my goodness Disillusioned's Mom is in the hospital is she okay? What happened? Are you guys okay? Please tell them I say Hi. etc.. etc..? 

No DH, she disn't say anything. At all. Just that fine, she would talk to you later. 

So wow DH, between YSD calling at a day and time she knew I would not be available to chat and then when learining we were at the 'hospital' visiting my Mom she had not one word to say let alone something kind, no YSD was not interested in anything to do with me or being kind or welcoming to me

DH was not happy. He doesn't like his version of the facts not being my accepted version. He tried to counter it with saying we had both been on a video call with her since April and she had been fine with me, nice even and I said yes of course she was nice then DH. That was one of the few calls I reluctantly agreed to make an appearance on and only because apparently SGD wanted to talk with us and the only reason YSD was being nice to me (and coached SGD to as well) is because she had been caught on the video call a few months ago, and although I'm always pleasant and respectful on the occassions we have to interact she knows I'm on to her and it's different now between us and has been since

But DH, if YSD was so concerned with being nice to me and all that, well then why did she just pull this again this morning. Yes, a very minor thing compared to the rude dismissive treatment I received from her a few months back, but still I'm not buying into this nonsense any more

The nice thing about falling over backwards year after year to people  whose behaviour is 'confusing' (passive-agressive) is when you finally see it for what it is and stop allowing yourself to be treated that way, it feels so much less stessful Smile


MissTexas's picture

These  men grasp at straws when these "girls" pretend to include us. We know what it is all about. They all do the same things. Give daddy a smoke and mirrors act, only we see through the illusion.

We went through that for years. "She likes you, she really does." Oh, ok, sure. That's why, after I break my back looking for just he perfect birthday or Christmas gift for HER, only to be met with "Thanks dad" posted all over social(ized) media. WHen she would visit, it would always be, "I'm visiting DAD TODAY" on various platforms. 

I did what you did, and called all this ridiculous behavior out, and what made it even better, when she chose to make a complete ass out of herself by screaming at both of us for almost an hour, and daddy did nothing, he saw her for what she is. An insecure malignant narcissitic mess. Seeing is believing.

I'm glad you've lightened your load by choosing not to play their game any longer. It really is quite liberating.

Disillusioned's picture

MissTexas, we sure do seem to have the same SD's LOL...and apparenlty the same smart response. But then great minds think alike Smile

Yes I agree it's so liberating not be bogged down with trying to understand the crappy behaviour/thinking maybe I'm being oversensitive/seeing it for what it is but not wanting to believe it

When you finally beleive what you have been shown over and over, and stop participating in it, life becomes much better!

Disillusioned's picture

That's a really good point shamds, and couldn't be more true. 

So many of our DH's simply don't seem to notice the shunning, alienating, dismissive behaviour most especially if skids haven't been openly rude or hostile

It's a subtle way of skid looking good, like they most certiainly are not the problem, when they are the pot-stirrer all along...

Catmom024's picture

Exactly!!!  Total B.S.  Any time I mentioned it though it was turned against me and the good ol' "Well they know you don't LIKE them" line was thrown out .  Yeah, who would?

Olivia2020's picture

Yep, when the exDHNarc would answer the phone when one of his spawn called (exSD24 and exSD21 now), after listening (to whichever one that called) for over 20 minutes talk about herself, exDHNarc would brag, "I'm taking Olivia to get ice cream for her birthday today" or "I'm taking Olivia to dinner to celebrate her exam/license/graduation/etc" and then silence on the other end. Silence on his end. Then I could hear the other end talk about something else and the conversation shifted between the Narc daughter and the Narc daddy. NOT ONCE a 'happy birthday' or 'hope she feels better after the surgery' or 'tell her congrats on her getting her license' or 'tell her good luck on her exam' or 'put me on speaker to tell her congrats on her new job' or 'tell her to have fun on her trip to see her son' or 'thanks for making my dad go to the gym because he's on his death bed and needs to exercise' or whatever it was that exDHNarc would brag about himself being involved in at the moment. We were usually driving somewhere when these calls came through and he wouldn't put either of them on speaker, he would talk on his phone even though it's illegal while driving. When I would make exDHNarc aware of these slights after the call ended, he would NOT see it as my being ignored. I would just give that look as if a camera was there like in The Office tv show. No expression and and my eyes saying 'you can't make this stuff up.' I laughed to myself at how blind he was for the crumbs of time the youngest threw his way (she was usually demanding money NOW!) and refused to speak when he would put her on speaker in the car after she was filling his ear with news (she was buttering him up to hit him up for money at the end of the call, she had no other use for him). DaughterWife was always talking about herself glad I could NOT hear any of that self-centered pile of poo. exDHNarc would proudly exclaim "DaughterWife is making an A- in her online intro to beer pouring class!" and I would flatly reply, "So? Nobody cares." I was ignored, treated like I wasn't there, like a nobody, so I was just stating a fact at the time. 

The jokes on them now anyway, 'Nobody' is earning more income than exDHNarc and he sure was banking on my earnings, he even said so several times after the nuptials. Made sense to me after seeing his financial disclosures in divorce process. Plus his terminal illness was progressing fast based on recent tests at the time. So exDHNarc's 'Nurse with a Purse' plan backfired on him since I left for good back in March. DaughterWife can care for Daddy now as they are still playing house I suppose. Being ignored by those dismissive exSD's was a blessing now that I look back on and smile at how shallow and ugly both of them were to me right in front of exDHNarc and he didn't notice a thing because he was getting the attention he needed. When you can sit back and see it for what it truly is, their dysfunction, then things become more clear and less hurtful. These Narcs I encountered were so predictiable...those patterns of behaviors.

I hope your mom is doing well and you are able to visit during the holidays. Hugs

Disillusioned's picture

I love how you said, "I look back on and smile at how shallow and ugly both of them were to me right in front of exDHNarc and he didn't notice a thing because he was getting the attention he needed." Now isn't that the truth, and so so common! 

So glad you don't have to deal with this any more!

And thanks for your kind words about my Mom! Smile


StepUltimate's picture

"So exDHNarc's 'Nurse with a Purse' plan backfired on him since I left for good back in March."

LOVE this! You. Completely. ROCK! Welcome to ST! Biggrin

TwirlMS's picture

my SDs bad behavior I have to be really careful because DH's first instinct is to jump up to her defense.  So, I have to gently get him to see the reality himself by pointing out what is normal behavior from other people.  Test his 'this is normal, this is not" meter.  

When SD40 sent a Christmas card to our home addressed only to DH he attempted to downplay the rudeness of this by saying that I was mentioned on the inside of the card.  
Nooooo...... I'm not buying it.  I'm not a child in this household.  I own this house jointly with DH.  I'm the one that prepares all of the cards in our household and mail them out, including to her.   

She's hoping to start a fight between us over Christmas but I'm not going to play into her hand.  Instead, I displayed all of the cards in our bookshelf and said  to DH, "all of these are addressed to both of us, the card addressed to just you can go elsewhere, because I don't want to see it."  The sight of SDs card standing alone away from all the others was a reality he could see with his own eyes.   Every single card in our house was to both of us, except hers.   

Let him do the math for himself.   

Disillusioned's picture

Good for you TwirlMS, and I so get it...I used to tiptoe around the SD issues but I'm honestly now at the point that there is no tiptoeing around any of it

I'm not angry, frustrated or even sad when I mention anything to DH because I don't feel it has to be an argument either, and if DH gets defensive then he's the only one losing it. But I still now calmly point out the facts every time something happens

This evening for example DH says he just got a text message from YSD to let him know the package we sent her for Christmas arrived (this is the first time I did not contribute one dime to their gifts let alone buying and wrapping everything as I often have done, but the cards are signed from both of us/so it's presented from both of us)

DH reads the text where she said "got your package Dad" and I say "Did you correct her?" and DH is like "huh?" and I say the package is from US DH, not just you. And he says of course. And I say so did you correct her? Did you let YSD know right away that the package is from the two of us, not just you? He says well of course she knows that. So I say, well then why did she send a text to you and only you for starters, and secondly one that says "we got your package Dad?"

I realize this might be overdoing it a little, but after years of really crappy, sneaky, dismissive behavior from his family, I'm no longer letting anything slip by without calling them out

And DH is so not used to me having this stance when it comes to precious YSD. Especially when I always innocently bought in to how much she "just loves, loves, loves Disillusioned" and I couldn't have said and done enough nice things where she was concerned. 

Not any longer DH

As long as YSD sincerely treats me like a human being then all is great on my end. But every time she does anything that is less than that, and most especially if DH is at the same time carrying on about how wonderful she is/or is to me, he will then get his 'facts' corrected in no time flat by me. Not to mention, I've stopped making any effort where she is concerned any longer which I know also is making DH unhappy

Guess you should have thought of all that DH when you ignored her mistreatment, when you all took me for granted as being a fool who could be treated less than a human being. 

I think the lesson for DH is, if he had of wisened up and been more supportive, perhaps this wouldn't have gone on or got to the point where I'm just done

Perhaps he'll start addressing things with her, and perhaps she'll improve and that's all great. But either way, she's shown me who she is and I have no interest in any sort of relationship with her other than the same type of tolerance you might have for a slimy collegue at work who is on the same team as you so you need to get along with enough to work with, but you would never think of as family or friend, or are even remotely fond of

TwirlMS's picture

that you are persevering.  Me too.

I'm a peaceful and long suffering person, slow to take offense, but I still believe there are teachable moments and our husbands need to have our backs and protect us from being disrespected.   

I always say that our marriage is a work in progress.   Even in its roughest year last year, there is a joy that we have survived it together and become stronger as a result.  

I carefully choose my words with DH and I carefully choose the time I bring up a grievance.  He doesn't handle conflict well, but I have seen improvement in him.  

I compliment him when he handles something well and I'm usually silent when he fumbles the ball.   

DH does know that I don't want his 40 year old daughter hanging out in my house.  At least I have made that clear from year one.  Moving an hour away has solved that problem.  

i know that DH is sad that I have not befriended his daughter.  She is not a friend of the marriage.  Never has been and never will be.  People that make me uncomfortable I limit my exposure to.  This house is my safe zone and I make no apologies for that.

Catmom024's picture

Yup.  My friend sent a card addressed to both myself and my SO. I said, "Look, it's addressed to you because my friends don't exclude you.".

Merry's picture

Yeah, I wish my DH would just acknowledge that his kids want nothing to do with me and move on. They're polite when we see each other, even friendly sometimes. That's fine. It's enough. I appreciate it. But DH, no, he's got some weird need to "prove" to me that his kids like me. He's the only one who cares.

Do I wish the relationship were a lttle warmer than a cold war novel? Sure. But it's a reality I can live with.

Disillusioned's picture

I think if you have that Merry, you're doing pretty well!

As long as there is no hostility, rudeness, backstabbing, alienation, etc.. then that's a lot more then may a SM have LOL, so take it and be happy Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

These clueless dads don't want to know the truth. They want things to be easy and comfortable - for them. Acknowledging there's a problem means they'd have to do something about it. Which, if they're not careful, could lead them to the big pile of ugly facts and fetid old issues every dysfunctional family has. Dog knows they don't want to look squarely at that. 

don't think you've blogged much about it, but what was your DH's childhood like? I suspect there must have been some dysfunction there, or your SIL wouldn't be the twisted turd she is. Something made him conflict-avoidant and okay with letting females push him around. Were all the females overbearing?

At a certain point, we SMs realize we need truth in order to heal. We learn that playing along with our SOs' delusions is a form of self victimization, and get tired of suffering for their cowardice. I'm glad you're pointing out the poo to your DH. He needs to know you know what's really going on, even if he doesn't want to see it, and aren't going to turn the other cheek. He needs to feel uncomfortable, and feel the pressure of knowing you are living in truth, without him. It sounds as if you did it matter of factly, and in the car where he couldn't avoid the issue. Brava!

Missingme's picture

"These clueless dads don't want to know the truth. They want things to be easy and comfortable - for them. Acknowledging there's a problem means they'd have to do something about it."


 Hit the nail on the head!  I know when I point things out that my hub will make every excuse for the twits even if he does see it.  He's too chicken shit to call the manipulative and nasty behaviors out.  

Kaylee's picture

Such a good point. 

My exes mother was very domineering, and his late wife was the same, worse even.

Mini wife is a clone of her mother. He could not stand up to any of them.

Funny though, that with me he could speak his mind....

Disillusioned's picture

It's funny you ask that Exjuliemccoy, there was definately some misfunction going on in DH's childhood too. 

MIL was tough and didn't put up with much LOL, but DH was the family star for sure. 

SIL lived in his shawdow most of her life and she truly had and still to this day has a real love/hate relationship with him. 

Wanted to be number one in his life and yet the number 1 as in out doing him in life too. 

A lot of jealousy, competition, back-stabbing from her towards DH long before he & I ever met

After I came along it just continued and was extended with a vengence towards me. 

I've never in my life seen anyone with so many deep-routed, angry, jealous insecurities. Somone so intent on undermining people, for no reason other than they make her feel less than. SIL when I first met her, seemed to have everything going for her. Attrative, smart, funny, stylist. I really liked her. And was so appalingly taken aback by her horrific treatment towards me. She could not have made it any more clear that it was not in any way mutual.Took me many years to figure out it was simply jealousy pure and simple. Not just my relationship with DH. But every single thing about me she thought was a threat to her in any way. 

Such an ugly, awful person really. I had totally missed that about her when I first met her but saw that real quick, and truly to this day can't beleive how petty, jealous and very insecure she is 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've entered a new phase of your marriage. You're no longer following the party line or pretending all is well. That is going to make your DH uncomfortable, so be prepared for some pushback. As you say, your DH didn't like it when you exposed YSD's rudeness. Let him process that for a while and see if he brings the subject up.

My marriage today is very different from what it was before. It's far from perfect, but my becoming a truth teller was sort of like turning a rock over and exposing the bugs underneath to the sun. We have a peaceful life now, and I want that for you.

Stepdrama2020's picture

you really understand all the shit  regarding blended families. I have noticed many of your replies.


Stepdrama2020's picture

I miss none of this BS. Yet I come on here to feel validated from all the shit. 

High five to calling your DH out.


Missingme's picture

I honestly don't expect my skids to like me or care to know about me, nor do I care.  That is the truth.  It wouldn't happen even if I tried because they're enmeshed with their jealous mom and she wouldn't let them care about anyone but her and themselves.  They are all quite self absorbed.  I cannot envision the long term with these people.  Does that sound cold?  Yes, perhaps it does, but I believe most of us here feel the same.  I've stuck around because I love my husband and because I don't see another way.  

Disillusioned, I hope you can find a way to just not care if they ever like you.  Maybe you and I will find a way to not give a fudge next year and let go, mentally, of the drama. 

Disillusioned's picture

Missingme, that sounds like a great plan LOL

And good for you for moving past all this crap with your skids too!