You are here

YSD is a Sneaky One

Disillusioned's picture

So after my last post about YSD's true colours coming out/the video call with her & SGD and DH & I where she made sure that she and SGD treated me like garbage and didsn't exist, then she immediately starts behaving differently and kissing my butt 

First she sends a happy lovely response to my birthday post on FB for DH - something YSD never does. Usually she ignores everything I post although she responds to absolutely everyone else including members of my own family that she's friends with on FB

On the rare occasion SD has ever commented on anyting I've posted I've always followed up with saying someting sweet to her, "sweetheart", "sweetie", hearts, kisses etc...

This time i didn't respond to her. I simply liked her comment to acknowledge it but nothing more. 

She then sent me a website page from her work which she wanted me to like, I ignored it

But this morning the big surprise, I get out of the shower and see she had tried to video call me over FB

I thought that was interesting but had no intention of having any more conversations with her, so I sent her a message saying it looked like I had missed a call from her and was everything okay

She says that they just wanted to wish me Happy Easter and that SGD had been wearing one of the dresses that I bought her


I wish them Happy Easter and say that I was sorry I missed that

Then she calls us back (DH had left an Easter voicemail for them)

So DH takes the call and puts her on speaker so we can all talk, DH already knew I wasn't pleased with her and woldn't be saying anything more than the briefest of pleasentries

Well, the first thing we hear is SGD saying "Hi Grandma!!" (nothing to DH)

I say hello sweetheart, how are you, etc. etc..

Then after a bit of chit chat with her and DH, YSD says how she tried to video us earlier because SGD had on one of the dresses from me but that, well, SGD doesn't really like to wear dresses like that 

Before they hung up I noticed that SGD said "I love you Poppa" "I love you Grandma Disillusioned"

So, they hang up and DH indicates that he thinks YSD was just trying to fix things, that she hadn't intentionally meant any harm last time they called

Ya, right. Good one DH

What I think is that YSD knew after she pulled that crap that she had messed up. 

She knows from past episodes, mostly when she was younger, that when she treated me like garbage suddenly some of the lovely things she took for granted that I did for her - trips to the spa, fun trips away, having all her favorite meals cooked when she was with us, thoughtful and fun actitivties as a step-family, etc...(believe me I did a lot for those girls) came to an abrupt end

So I'm assuming she realized after she did it that I wasn't a fool and wasn't going to play into her games, once again

OR, she pulled something even more sneaky...something else DH's sister and daughters like to do on occasion. Do something they figured would result in me complaining to DH about them, then turn around and do something to make themselves look like they were super innocent and nice to me instead (so I look like the bad guy not them). So in this case, had I voiced a complaint to DH about her after the previous call which yes we did discuss it, by her then making sure to phone, talk about SGD being in one of the dresses from me, having SGD saying "hi Grandma" "love you Grandma Disillusioned" then I look like an evil witch who thought and said the worst

Such a set up

Whichever it was, or even if both, I'm on to her

Glad she had a change of heart and made an effort regardless of her real agenda, but the damage is done

I still have no desire to have anything more than a cordial superficial relationship with her at this point. As someone pointed, much like a relationship (or lack of) with a coworker of DH's for example

I won't be doing any of the sweet thoughtful things any longer. Sure I'll sign the card for SGD's birthday, but DH can do everything now. 

My part in all of that 'motherly/grandmotherly' stuff, is now officially scaled down


sandye21's picture

"What I think is that YSD knew after she pulled that crap that she had messed up."  I agree.  You've been around this enough to recognize what is truly going on.  DH still has his blinders on.  Don't be gaslighted into going back to a false relationship - which is actually more toxic then a hostile one.  People in families who love each other have disagreements but they communicate, ask each other, "What's wrong", talk things through and resolve issues with each other.  Instead SD tried to pull a guilt trip on you, manipulating DH to back her up with her innocent facade.  You don't have to eat worms to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy, and you sure as hell don't have to play games where SD is trying to make you look bad to DH.  Good for you for calling her out on it.  I agree with being phony back but possibly work on how to distance yourself both physically and emotionally.

Disillusioned's picture

Thank you Sandy, you got her/the situation, pegged perferctly. And I agree with everything you said! Appreciate that!!

SacrificialLamb's picture

"OR, she pulled something even more sneaky...something else DH's sister and daughters like to do on occasion. Do something they figured would result in me complaining to DH about them, then turn around and do something to make themselves look like they were super innocent and nice to me instead (so I look like the bad guy not them). "

I've been putting up with the above for years. I have not seen OSD for 5 years, but she has turned into Mother Teresa trying to look so virtuous. And YSD is trying her best to stir the pot so we argue, meanwhile she looks like a doting daughter. It isn't working for her, and it's almost funny to watch.

My SD's are in their mid 40's, so don't expect this to go away, unfortunately.

Disillusioned's picture

Hilarious Sacrificial...and wow, in their 40's and still at it.Yup, probably won't ever change sadly. 

In the 20+ years DH & I have been together my SIL hasn't changed either, some people never will, but at least we can keep our expectations low LOL

sammigirl's picture

I do think she is afraid if she loses contact with you, she will miss something going on in Dad's life.

When I disengaged from SD58,  I totally went silent.  I wanted nothing, in any form of communication.   I never told DH, other family members, or mutual friends anything that she could say, use, or repeat.  She actually has no way of knowing my life.  My SD58  even set up another FB account to stalk mine.  It came across my FB as "people you might know".  I blocked it also.  Silence has been the best defense I have against her.  Silence has made my disengagement successful.

When my DH passed recently, I continued this silence.  SD58  attempted to contact me.  I have issued a written "no contact" warning.  It is in the hands of the law now.

Continue your difficult boundaries and disengagement.


Focused_onourlife's picture

"I do think she is afraid if she loses contact with you, she will miss something going on in Dad's life". Yes this or lose her close relationship with her daddy. Which is why she had to tell your DH "I called ya'll earlier to show SGD wearing the dress" she called YOU and had already told you that, so why mention it to daddy (rhetorical)? Either way, she's very calculated, manipulative and like you said, OP,  sneaky. It's probably satisfying to your YSD to 'one up' you (in her twisted mind). These ASD's are ridiculous and petty as all get out. 

Rags's picture

I think that it is likely that you are giving them more credit of intelligence than they actually have.  

I don't think about the why of this kind of crap.  I just punish manipulative and inappropriate behavior.  If they behave......  I don't apply consequences.  If they pull bullshit, I bring the pain.   I definitely don't give them more credit for intelligence than they are due.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I don't think a lot of manipulative people, like your SD, really spend a lot of time planning their behaviors.  I think it's instinctive, like a scorpion's sting.  They may scuttle about like a little harmless bug and they don't consiously think about their pointy tail all the time.  But when they need to jab it, it is automatic and works like a charm! 

Disillusioned's picture

2Tired, that makes sense too. I think not only does it come naturally for DH's sister and daughters, but when they really want to stick it to us (me) they execute their little plans perfectly....except it tends to backfire as I don't play in to it. 

YSD has been sending all sorts fo texts now, with pics of SGD etc... and she's not getting much of a reaction from me. I respond of course and am polite, but none of the emotional hearts, kisses, "sweetheart" comments. Simply, "cute. thanks for sending SD" is about as much as she'll get from me on those

SGD's birthday is coming up and I've left DH in charge of all of it LOL. Will sign the card as well but that's it. 

DH phones YSD weekly and likes to do a group call on speaker or video, the most they'll get from me is a brief "Hi!" Or maybe "that's nice" and off I'll go LOL

I tend to put up with a lot, but once you're done with me, unless major drastice changes are made, you're done!

sandye21's picture

Sorry if i missed it but do you have your own children?  If not, this must be very hard for you.  Over the years your writing has shown what a beautiful, giving person you are.  I actually feel sorry for YSD.  She has given up so much for the sake of playing a game.  Her loss is far, far greater than yours.

Don't ever change the wonderful person you are.  Just redirect your love to someone who wants and deserves it. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

You are on the right path.  Don't stray! 

I find it abhorent that people will use small children to manipulate.  It's shameful.  You are right to keep your physical and emotional distance.  

Since my SD had her kid she's actually been sending my SO photos and videos.  No real information about grandbaby nor any inquiry into how my SO is doing, she just sends photos with no information.  Of course it's all one way - her way - and the primary purpose is so that he will compliment and worship her on her perfect baby and her mothering skills. 

My SO will forward them to me since SD does not include me.  I will just say "Cute" or "He's really growing" and that's it.  Like you, any future gifts or attention will come from my SO.  I will be making no more effort for SD nor her family.  It's a waste of time.