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DH expressed anger to FIL about OSD's behaviour towards me

Disillusioned's picture

Yesterday DH & I had dinner with FIL

We stop by FIL's place to pick him up. As FIL is getting in the car he says hello to me, asks me how I am etc.. and when I ask him how he's doing he says great, that he had had lunch with OSD earlier that day

I say that's nice, then FIL says "weren't the pictures OSD sent of the grandkids great?!"

Now OSD never ever includes me on the "family email updates" so, I casually say to FIL no I didn't see the pictures, I don't receive those email updates. I didn't say it in a mean way or anything, because I could honestly care less what OSD does at this point, I was simply stating the facts to him

FIL seemed very taken aback though, and then said Oh, that he thought I saw them too

I was about to just make light of the situation and comment that I bet they were cute pictures, but DH cuts in and says "No FIL, Disillusioned didn't get the pictures, OSD makes a point of excluding her, and I'm not happy about it either"

FIL, not surprisingly, jumps to OSD's defense by saying that maybe she doesn't have my email address (ridiculous as she's emailed, texted, and even called me on any occasion she actually wants something from me, like helping "host" - pay for - YSD's showers, or "attend" - fork money out - for her jewerllery parties, etc.. etc..)

But include me on a family email update with pics of the grandkids, ya right!

Anyway, DH tells FIL that OSD does have my email

FIL says "well maybe OSD thinks if she sends the email to you DH, that it's sent to both of you"

DH again says no, she sends it to the whole family with Disillusioned excluded, just to stick it to Disillusioned and him, and that he wishes she would grow up already and get over it

Finally FIL says "well why don't you talk with OSD then DH, and tell her that you don't like what she's doing"

DH says that he has spoken to her, right from the beginning when she started sending out the family picture updates and noticed I wasn't on the list. That he suggested then to OSD that it would be really nice if she included me on those (pictures of the grandkids) and that he would like to see that happen. DH then said to FIL that despite him talking to OSD about it, she continues to send out those updates to everyone, with me excluded. That he is sick and tired of the family politics in their family

At that point FIL said nothing. FIL was the one may years ago to point out how he didn't like OSD's hostile and disrespectful behaviour towards me. He had said to DH that he "they/their family, didn't act that way" that he was embarrassed, angry and disappointed in the open mistreatment of me, someone he thought was a class act and had been nothing but exceptional to her, and it was hugely humiliating for him to witness me be treated openly like garbage by her in return. But I guess now, all these years later and OSD has gotten a little smarter about her methods, no more open hosility simply these little passive-agressive head games, that FIL tries to convince himself it's all in the past and all is good

I again tried to lighten the situation at that point, and this time succeeded, by simply saying I"m sure the pictures were very cute, the grandkids are adorable. FIL then started going on about the latest happening with YSGS, and it all blew over

On the way home I thanked DH for supporting me, and mentioned I had no idea he felt so strongly about it all, but that I worried saying anything to fIL was not the best thing. FIL tells DH's sister everything - she will defend OSD and say much the same that FIL suggested, and turn it around to be all us that have the problem - and then she'll be right on the phone to OSD congratulating each other at having gotten a reaction from "us" which is of course why both OSD and DH's sister do these things in the first place

DH went on about how he doesn't care if they think "we're" upset about it, HE is pissed at the infantile behaviour from his daughter and sister and he is going to be vocal about it. That they have no reason, never have, to carry on this way.

I agree with DH there, for many many years I went out of my way to be there for them, including when OSD lived with us fulltime (and with DH gone 50% of the time on business travel I was the only 'parent' she had then) never been anything but decent and kind to her, and she has repeatedly kicked me in the teeth in response.

I sort of wish he wouldn't. I did say to him that at this point in time "it is what it is" if OSD does not want to accept me as her family I've long ago come to heads with it, it does not upset me in the slightest and DH should maybe just let it go as well.

Well see how this plays out I guess....

Disillusioned's picture

That's a good point Dancing....I'm used to DH being outraged about things, but not having the guts to speak out, although these days he tends to be more vocal about it. Still getting used to that!

SacrificialLamb's picture

My OSD used to include me on emails with pics of the sgkids. Then she stopped and I have no idea why. She told DH that the emails should just be kept in the family and he could decide to forward them on to me or not. It's basically the same as the Christmas cards, addressed just to DH. I guess he was supposed to just show me those too.

Now she receives Christmas cards just from DH and her kids receive Wal*Mart gift cards for Christmas. They are too fancy to go to Wal*Mart. Hope it was worth it, OSD.

You handled it well and super kudos to your DH! Don't worry if others discuss it. Your disengagement is for your peace. If other people want to blab, let them.

Disillusioned's picture

I wonder why your SD stopped Sacrificial....will never understand these adult skids :? :?

and the Christmas card thing, that's just childish of her. Some people like to rub in that you're not "family" Gives them some weird sense of power I guess.

To me, there is far more power in how my YSD behaves. Unlike her sister, I'm totally family to her. She has been including me on all the family emails of her soon-to-be baby (ultrasounds right now) and includes me in all her family emails, joke email list, and so on. But then again, she is pleased to call me SM (or even Mom when it works for her)

Thank goodness for her mature attitude, it does somewhat make up for OSD's crappy one

I like what you did by not acknowledging your SD back. My attitude is the same towards my OSD and DH's sister - the whole "not family" thing, well it works two ways. You want me to play grandma to your kids and spoil them rotten, uh, no. You want me to spend money on all your little occasions. Ummmm, you should really ask your FAMILY for that OSD!

So unbelievable!

Cover1W's picture

SD13 got a new phone from BM this past weekend (actually needed so no issue there...but it's a "real smartphone" so she'll be lost in that now).

She texted DH on Friday night about it. He told me and texted her back and asked her to please text Cover to make sure she knows and has your current information too.

I haven't had her phone number in a LONG time since she never updates me with whichever one it is. Sometimes I do need it since our commutes to/from school/work cross easily and I am home alone with her most Thursday evenings...anyway, I never even try to contact her any longer. It's up to her.
I ignore. "Oh, no I don't have your/her email/phone number because no one has given it to me." Whatever.

DH iterated that he was getting concerned about some of the SDs behavior recently (the same stuff I used to try to talk with him about)...oh, well, that's too bad, if you are concerned you should do something about it. And then I was out.

Willow2010's picture

Why did you not just say, “No, I have not seen them because DH has not shown me yet.” But no, you had to start this family email thing up all over again. SD has already told you that she figured DH would show you the emails or forward. But that is not good enough for you and DH so you demand how SD sends out her emails.

So now you and DH have started drama all over again. FIL is involved. He will get your SIL involved and then SD will be involved. All this drama because you wanted to tell FIL that SD was such a terrible person. You knew what it would start if you did not tell it how it really is. Which was that DH had not shown you the pics.

I really hope one day that you and DH see that you two are the main pot stirrers and drama starters. If it is not with the FIL, it is with the SD. If not with the SD then it is with DHs sister.

sandye21's picture

Disillusioned, I agree - you are a class act. And kudos to DH for standing up for you. I've also found that not reacting to SD's rudeness has seems to give DH the 'mental room' for clarity and reality. I have no idea if he has worked up the courage to confront SD about her behavior but I know he respects me a lot more than he did when I was going out of my way to please SD and DH at my own personal expense. Since he chose to work on the marriage, SD saw it as a betrayal and has not contacted him in years. Good for you for distancing yourself from the conversation but retaining self-confidence.

I suspect OSD will react in the same manner my SD did by shunning DH. She and SIL will also try to convince FIL that you are the bad guy. As FIL has recognized OSD's behavior toward you in the past, and obviously has a high opinion of you, any future efforts to sway FIL in the future may not work. It really depends on how FIL values DH vs. OSD and SIL.

My in-laws recognized SD's hatred of me right after we got married and seemed disgusted with her behavior. I honestly think it helped that I did not make many comments about it to them.

Disillusioned's picture

Cover I think you really have it right!

You're so correct IMO when you say it's up to your SD

One thing I've learned in my years as SM (and SIL to DH's sister too) is to let them dictate the relationship.

Many many years on my part trying so hard to be a part of the family, insuring they knew I felt they were part of my family. Trying so hard to win them over, have a decent relationship. And all the while they continued to send me the message that I am not, they want it not, and so finally I stepped back and now no longer think of them as family either

What's funny is they still do think whenever they want/need something from me that I'll jump to it. And then seem outraged when it doesn't happen :?

Your SD at some point will catch on that ya you got her message, now she'll have to live with the consequences of it!

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks sandye21 - I know you've been through all this with your SD, and you've handled it with total class as well!

Not reacting is sometimes the best method. After all, they're usually doing these things for a reaction, and it takes all their power away when they see you could care less.

This was the one reason I had hoped DH wouldn't have said anything to FIL, although from the good advice of the other OP's I'm thinking it may not have been a bad thing after all.

But on the flipside, had DH not said anything to FIL (therefore SIL and OSD hearing about it) it would only send the message to OSD that I either am not aware she excluded me (which I was until FIL mentioned the email) or that I'm fully aware and couldn't give a rats ass about it. Both are true!

She will now know that I'm aware, assume not only DH but me as well are upset. And while it might make her day to think she upset me, it won't make her day at all to see that daddy dear is not on her side, but standing up to her for his wife's sake instead.

And you're correct again that she will take it out on DH for a while with attitude and pettiness, because just like your SD, my SD and my SIL see any support from DH for me/his wife, as a betrayal to them.

You're very smart not to complain about your SD as well. Another thing learned and it does work. I don't grumble to DH about a whole lot of obvious nonsense with his sister and daughter. And as you say, it then leaves him the mental space to process this info on his own. and the result - voila! - he sees with his own eyes how his sister and daughter are, also sees that that same behavior does not come from me, and he gets ticked off at them for their shallowness and immaturity

The pictures are a great example. OSD sends them to DH and everyone else, deliberately excluding me. I know nothing about it. But when FIL innocently asks me if I like the pictures, I very nicely told him the truth - I don't receive those emails. While I'm totally casual and polite, I'm not going to lie and say I had, or that DH would show them to me (he usually doesn't) or that SD meant them for both of us - she doesn't.

She is a total pot stirrer and if she or anyone else doesn't like the consequences of her actions, then I guess they shouldn't behave that way. I owe her nothing, and I'm not going to lie and say she's wonderful when she's not, nor am I going to cover for her to avoid her grandfather knowing the truth. Certainly not going to pretend and lie to FIL when he asks me something. But, like you with your SD, I don't go around complaining about her either. That's why DH I think is all the more supportive of. And why FIL is too.

DH's sister for example, is a total "orchestrator" as DH puts it. Meaning she does and always has, bad-mouthed DH behind his back. Now me as well. So she will go to FIL's for their weekly dinner for example, and gossip about DH & I, say all sorts of stuff about this and that. Express anger when she does see us. Walk around with a scowl on her face. Throw temper tantrums, slam things, stomp, be openly rude to us.

All the while thinking FIL has been convinced of her lies and believes we're awful

Then FIL will see us. We usually don't focus on the negative - DH does sometimes speak out like yesterday - but generally lots of silliness, laughing, teasing and upbeat. FIL has a lot of fun. No negatives. And in the end, I know FIL knows who the real problem people are. They bury themselves, in all their efforts to bring us down.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"You're very smart not to complain about your SD as well. Another thing learned and it does work. I don't grumble to DH about a whole lot of obvious nonsense with his sister and daughter. And as you say, it then leaves him the mental space to process this info on his own. and the result - voila! - he sees with his own eyes how his sister and daughter are, also sees that that same behavior does not come from me, and he gets ticked off at them for their shallowness and immaturity"

When I first read about this, I didn't believe it. But yes, that's exactly what happened! And I wasn't even involved. How can the finger be pointed at me when I haven't even seen her or talked to her in 18 months? Was I sending demons her way? But there is a lot of truth to people eventually digging their own graves. Just sit back, get out your popcorn, and watch it happen.

Disillusioned's picture

It's funny Sacrificial, the more uninvolved and unruffled by their behaviour we are, yes the more they dig their own graves

In my earlier days with DH, when I was still really trying with OSD, so forgiving of everything, she would reduce DH to tears when I wasn't around. Telling him how selfish it was of him and BM to separate, how unacceptable they brought their spouses (SD's SF, and me) into the mix, and how utterly unforgivable it would be if DH & I ever started a family of our own (I happened to be pregnant at the time, miscarried some time after that, and I still to this day wonder if it wasn't all the extreme stress that caused it - but that's another post!!)

I would come home from night college classes (taken purposely because I thought it would give DH and OSD more bonding/alone time - she just used it to guilt DH and trash me I eventually learned) and DH would be a complete mess. Sobbing, utterly depressed and full of guilt

She would have thought of every crime possible that he and I had committed against her, tried to convince him I was horrible and her life was hell, yada yada. And I would be all sad that she/he was sad, asking what I could do to help, so understanding and forgiving of her. Fall over backwards nice - to the point where I was going to leave DH if it would have made all the drama and stress for her go away and mend their relationship...although I still had no idea then exactly what I/DH had done, or what exactly her issues were. I had yet to catch on she was insanely jealously insecure!

OSD doesn't know it (or maybe she does now) but that's when DH started to open his eyes towards her. He started to see her really ugly side. And he grew less and less tolerant.

I never said a bad word about her that entire time! She did it all by herself!

Disillusioned's picture

"The brass ring used to be that you would someday be included. Yet the brass ring wound up being when you no longer cared if you weren't."

Wow StepAside, as usual you couldn't have said it any better!

And yes, you're oh so right about OSD too Biggrin

CANYOUHELP's picture

So happy to hear of a husband who valued the wife and stood up for what is right in his family.

You are MOST fortunate lady. Many of us would give our eye teeth for just one sign of support...way to go HB!