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Has anyone done a deposition?

Biostep7777's picture
Forums: 

I wrote about this a while ago but I have specific questions. I'm meeting with my attorney next week to of course ask her but figured I would ask some opinions in the mean time. 
 

My husbands crazy ex wife is having me deposed. I have no idea what they could possibly ask me but I'm assuming it's things like "have you ever heard your husband yell at the kids" uhhhh a couple of times he's raised his voice I guess. or "have you ever seen him put his hands on the kids in anger" which of course the answer is NO! So, I'm curious about what exactly is privileged information between husband and wife. I don't care about answering those questions but I'm certainly not going to give her every single bit of information about our marriage! She's only doing this to be nosy and try to get info to further abuse my husband in emails ect.., she's a complete lunatic. So, anyone know exactly what priveledged info means? I rather answer as many questions with "that's privileged" as I possibly can because again, this is just her being nosy that we do not tell her all about our lives. She's super SUPER nosy and jealous. 

Cookieboom's picture

I copied and pasted for you.  BM said she was gonna depose me so I found this:  

"Submitted by Drac0 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 2:52pm

Never had to give a deposition but I was called upon as a witness during the custody trial of my SS.

If you were to be asked the same things I was asked, then here are some of the things you can expect to be asked:

How old are you and what do you do for a living?
How long have you known your fiance?
How long have you known the child?
How would you describe the relationship between you and the child?
Do you have any experience with raising/being around kids?
What activities do you, fiance and the child do together?
Do you do any activities where it is just you and the child? If so, give some examples
Do you and your fiance share parental responsibilities with regards to raising the child? If so, how?
Do you know BM?
Does the child talk to you at all about BM? If so, can you give an example.
How would best describe the child?
Do you notice anything *unusual* about the child? (I.E Does he cry a lot? Act out in school? Has trouble making friends, etc.)
Are you privvy to any dealings your fiance has with BM? How would you describe them?

WILDCARD: What custody arrangement do you think is best for the child?
(This question was immediately objected to as it was pointed out that since I do not know the other parent my answer would be irrelevant to the proceedings)" thank you Drac0!

BF's attorney said he will NOT allow me to be deposed and is trying to impound anything with my name or reference to me.  They are going to an emergency custody hearing soon, but we're not married or living together.  good luck keep us posted I'm sorry you have to deal with this

Biostep7777's picture

Thank you!!! My DH's attorneys told me to get  my own attorney. Ugh. 

Cookieboom's picture

I have not obtained my own attorney yet, but I will if I get deposed or subpoenaed (and she can pay my lawyer fees!). If you're going to do  the deposition I would get my own attorney, don't do it alone.  Have her court ordered to pay your legal fees.   good luck! 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh I am and I think she should pay my attorney fees. This is such crap!! Her attorney is asking did my bank statements from my personal account. Why she is involving me I have no idea. It's completely crazy what's going on. I think they think we are hiding money or something?? I don't know, I am livid! 

ESMOD's picture

I'm sure that the reason they want your bank statements is to see if any money of his is being hidden there from her... like some direct deposit into your account.

 

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah that's what we figured. Which we don't so they can look like idiots all they want. lol 

Maxwell09's picture

Keep your answers as short as possible. His goal is going to be to trick you into explaining yourself so he can twist it into a lie. "Yes", "no" and "I don't remember" are enough. 
 

When my husband was on the stand, BMs new Bulldog tried to get a lot out of him but he kept it short and it infuriated the lawyer so bad he was yelling. I could hear him outside the courtroom. My husbands lawyer was lackluster and said DH did great and didn't take the guys bait. 

Findthemiddle's picture

Listen very carefully to the question- and only answer the question.   Short answers - no narratives.  If it’s a compound question- ask the for the question to be broken in to parts.  Take time to consider the answer.  Don’t try to evasive- it won’t work - the questioning attorney will drill down on you.  It’s not a conversation - it’s a sworn, transcribed statement that can be broken into parts and manipulated. Remember it’s their job to ask you the right questions- don’t volunteer anything and try to stay neutral so that you can control your responses.

ESMOD's picture

This is good advice.  You are not there to have a discussion and most anything extra said can bring up more questions.  Answer as briefly as possible.

They are likely to sit there and create pauses of silence.. hoping that will make you uncomfortable and get you to offer up more info to fill the silence.  Don't fall for it.  If you feel you have to say more.. to break the silence state.  "I have answered your question do you have any more?  or just sit there.. let them earn their money and prompt you.

You know that this is a hostile situation where they are trying to get dirt on your husband... so I would try to use terms like "not that I am aware" when asked things like "does he yell at the children"... 

 

Biostep7777's picture

The thing that is so annoying is that he's just like any other parent ya know? He's a great dad! He loves his kids and would never ever hurt them. But like any other parent yeah he's yelled at them a few times. I do not know one parent on earth that has not messed up. However, she takes anything snd creates this elaborate story. He yelled turns into "he has mental breakdowns in front of the kids and he is emotionally unstable" ummmm NO! The kids were acting like lunatics so he yelled at them to cut the crap. Or SS asked DH for $5 if he gives him a back rub. Totally innocent and he gave his dad karate chops to the back for like 2 minutes. This turned into "DH forces back rubs and it seems to be grooming" My poor DH threw up when he read that. Luckily the kids therapist immediately squashed that so of course BM fired them.  She is extremely extremely sick. So, I know these questions are coming and because she has created this narrative it's going to be nasty. Her attorney is nasty just like her. We are just normal parents doing our best to raise good humans. We mess up and we apologize and the kids mess up and we forgive. We see a family therapist weekly who ensures us we are doing a great job. He is also a parental coordinator so gives us tips on how to handle situations. I am sick to my stomach over this because she is just so sick I can only imagine the awful things they are going to try and say. It's just disgusting. 

Findthemiddle's picture

BM is a whack job!  Those are outrageous and defamatory statements she is making about your husband.  You’re a good communicator and you are prepared for her and her lawyer- you’ll do well.  So sorry y’all are dealing with this.

Rags's picture

DO NOT SPEAK ON BM's OBVIOUS MENTAL ISSUES!  I made a bad judgement call on that. Strike through did not work so I deleted those elements.

Short and sweet answer "DH parents his children.  He does not yell at them. When necessary he will speak in a manner that ensures that he is neither misunderstood, misquoted, nor ignored.  Just like any parent of quality does with children that require correction."

You know that she is manipulative and PASing the kids against your DH.  So focus your answers on her manipulation and PAS efforts against DH, and her grooming of your DH's children as her conduits for attacking their father.  

You know her, you know her intent, you can reasonably forecasts what and how she is going to attempt to use this deposition to attack you and DH.  Make this a mirror session.  Answer every question with a question highlighting BM's toxic crap.  

BM's Lawyer: "Does your DH yell at the children.?" 

BS7... : "No, he parents them.  When they need correction he corrects them in an appropriate manner. Due to your clients manipulative PAS campaign against my DH we engage with a parenting advisor every week so I can assure you and any court that any poor parenting these kids are victimized by is coming from their manipulative mother.   Why is your client lying and attempting to alienate my husband's children from him?  More importantly, why as a supposed legal professional are you participating in this fraudulent bullshit?"

Adust for each question using the same model.  Answer in a way that absolutely counters their intended direction, redirect, demand an answer from BM and or her attorney that bares their asses.  etc......

Stay calm, wind them up, let them freak out, it will likely be recorded so leverage that to bare their asses while you direct the discussion and remain assertively calm.  Sit your own attorney down, make it clear what you are paying them for, and let them know that you are not interested in placating BM or her asshole attorney or arriving at some kumbaya moment with BM.

IMHO of course.

 

 

Ispofacto's picture

No!  Never cast aspirations on anyone's mental health.  You are not qualified to make that assessment.

Don't reveal a negative attitude toward BM.  You are not trying to be the mother, you like the skids, and you wish to have a cooperative relationship with BM, she's a fine parent.  Don't elaborate.  If push comes to shove maybe admit that she seems to dislike you, but don't elaborate.  You have no idea why.  You don't know what she thinks.  Facts only.

There's enough drama between the parents.  Judges hate when 3rd parties make things worse.

https://illinoislawforyou.com/child-custody-visitation/mothers-lose-chil...

Rags's picture

I agree that alleging mental illness for BM is a bad move.  So, I will ammend that part of my recommendation.

However, painting her with the PAS and manipulation brush is bang on IMHO.  Painting her lawyer as a participant in her PAS campaign in also the right thing to do IMHO.

Ispofacto's picture

No!

PAS is a controversial mental health issue.  OP is not qualified to make that determination.  The judge will call it if he sees it and if he believes in it.  Otherwise they would need an expert to testify.

https://www.familydivorcelaw.com/kane-county-divorce-attorney/why-parent...

The deposition is an informational gathering session for BM's side.  The goal is to give them nothing useful.

A negative attitude towards BM is something useful for BM's side.

 

IDontCare3117's picture

Intentionally stirring the pot of an already volatile situation would be insane.  Also, BM is paying her attorney to do her bidding, short of doing anything illegal.  

IDontCare3117's picture

1)  If OP took this advice she'd end up causing more harm than charm.  

2)  Depositions are always recorded in some way.  

Rags's picture

Agreed.  I gave crappy advice in this instance  .  BM's obvious bat shit crazy bullshit should not be mentioned except by the therapist that she fired when she was called out on her bullshit in session.  If I am remembering the right incident. I would have that therapist in court.   

FinallySkidFree's picture

Your income, bank statements and money have ZERO to do with BM and her bullshit. GIVE NOTHING that a JUDGE does not ask for. Be truthful, do not embellish or over share. Stick to the facts and be very mindful of how you answer the questions so that your words can't be used against you. Make sure you insist that she pays for your legal fees.

 

hereiam's picture

They are likely to sit there and create pauses of silence.. hoping that will make you uncomfortable and get you to offer up more info to fill the silence.  Don't fall for it. 

Agree, get comfortable with periods of silence, just let it hang there, let them get uncomfortable. I have often used this in my job, it works wonders.

Listen very carefully to the question- and only answer the question.   Short answers - no narratives.

Also very good advice. If they ask you if you have a watch, you don't tell them what time it is, you answer 'yes' or 'no'. I learned this a long time ago and it's frustrating for the person asking the question. They want you to volunteer more info than necessary, more info than they ask for. Don't give it to them.

 

simifan's picture

Given the animosity BM and the lawyer have shown. Get your own attorney. It will cost you some money, but I believe the peice of mind is worth it. They will protect YOUR interests. I'm guessing an attorney hired for you specifically is going to have you answer questions with 'I am not a party to this case." (much like Marshawn Lynch's "I'm just here so I won't get fined") Whereas, it is in your FH best interests to have you be cooperative. Seriously, time to CYA. 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

Get your own attorney (not one shared with DH). Only answer the direct question - yes and no when able and do not elaborate. if you don't like the question ask for them to reword it. Ask them to rework it until it is something you are willing to answer.  Let your attorney speak as much as possible. They should provide you and your attorney with a list of questions prior to the deposition. You can contest questions if you feel they are not relevant. Do not get in a hurry. Before you answer anything think 'why do they want to know this." Never use workd like sometimes, I think, almost, maybe. Be definate but evasive. 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

And by the way, it's not against the law to yell at your kids. In most states you can still spank them. But the judge can't pit up against your husband. 

BM tried to do this to me and my atty. said the only way I would particiapte is if I was recognized as a parent in the parenting plan and recieved 1/3 custody and equal desision making rights on everything. the judge asked BM if she agreed and when she said no the judge said I could leave the court. We never made it to deposion. 

Get an attorney fast. Or ask for a delay while you retain counsel. They have to give it to you. 

 

Oh, and you can counter deposition when you get an attorney. My attorney did that and it was determined if I had to answer questions so did she. We asked super invasive questions including all phone records and bank statements going back a year. Copies of her rental leases and vehicle contracts. We asked for names, addresses and phone numbers of everyone who had been aournd SS when he was with there for visitation, etc. Bully back! 

Ispofacto's picture

Yes, I have done a deposition.  My exH is a diagnosed narcissist and he got off on terrorizing me.

The biggest thing I can warn you about is not to let them antagonize/intimidate you.  They are trying to provoke you and get you to react badly.  

In the end, most aggressive lawyers are racking up billable hours harassing people.  Because their narcissistic clients get off on it.  Most of the issues they raise don't amount to a hill of beans legally.

I know it doesn't seem like it but your BM is a weak, miserable person.  Imagine having nothing better to do than obsess about how to annoy someone.  That's her life, and she seems pretty desperate.  What a pathetic creature.

Remind yourself of some things.  You're not going to die.  You're not going to prison.  You're not going to be flogged.  Etc.  And BM wants all those things, but she's not gonna get what she wants.  Enjoy her suffering.  She's a joke.

DH is entitled to parenting time.  Even drug addicts get parenting time.

Remind yourself, the worst thing that can happen is he gets the state's minimum guideline for parenting time.  Fine.  And he can/should enforce that.  BM gets no say in what goes on in your house.  Enforce that.

These skids aren't infants.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Ignore BM.  Because there's literally nothing worse than dealing with her.  Put the rope down, take what you are legally entitled to, and live your life.  You win, she loses.

 

Ispofacto's picture

She wants to hurt you.  The surest way to disappoint her is to be calm and stop caring.  She can't touch you.

 

Biostep7777's picture

I know. She's so sick. I have never been anything but kind and loving to her kids. She just hates me so much for that.

Rags's picture

"Enjoy her suffering.  She's a joke."

Diablo

"Remind yourself, the worst thing that can happen is he gets the state's minimum guideline for parenting time.  Fine.  And he can/should enforce that.  BM gets no say in what goes on in your house.  Enforce that."

Or, he could get the maximum visitation per state guidelines or even become the CP... which may be the worst thing that can happen to your side of the blended family equation.

Regardless, BM gets no say in what goes on in  your house and that is ground to plant your flag on and to die on if necessary.  She.... gets..... no..... say.

Biostep7777's picture

Oh hell no! I already told him that if he gets 50/50 I'm out! I absolutely loathe having this kids here. Not because of them but because of the drama that trails behind them that is the most high conflict person I have ever met. At least now we get a break from her when they are with her. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I have testified many times. Don't provide any documents the judge hasn't supeoned them himself.

Always try to stick to yes or no and do not elaborate.

You can ask for the attorney to rephrase the question or repeat the question. 

If you have any documentation of your own like notes or dates you can bring them with you and ask to refer to your notes before answering a question.