Told the BF to stop being so nice to his HCBM for doing bare minimum...
BF has been separated from his ex for 4 years. She is a garbage human being - I've witnessed her manipulative and narc behavior first hand. He still has a long way to go working through the emotional and psychological damage she inflicted on him.
She's recently taken him back to court for full custody of their D12 - she has no proof of her claims for why BF is a terrible father. Up until her filing, he had a really good relationship with his D. It been a rapid downhill spiral since. My heart aches for his kiddo and for him.
First court date after the GAL was appointed was this week. HCBM magically has become the perfect co-parent. Sending him all kinds of messages and info....most of it completely irrelevant. Definitely in the love-bombing stage again because her past behavior didn't make her look so great in court. He is replying to her with all kinds of "thank you so much" and "I really appreciate it." All of the sudden she is letting him know about everything and anything relating to his D when before she couldn't be bothered to tell him what school district she had moved his D to (didn't even have him listed as a parent in the registration)....and she deserves all this praise? GTFOH.
I told him he needs to stop. He doesn't need to be an @$$hole, but he should only reply to things that need a reply. He said he is only doing it because he's trying to show his ex that he is not the @$$hole she tells everyone he is. I kinda lost my mind. This is a conversation we have had many times since we met two years ago. Her taking him back to court has him regressing HARD into his prior coping mechanisms. My own frustrations completely shut him down - I recovered quickly, but the damage had been done. I'm exhausted. I feel bad for not keeping my own emotions in check, and he is obviously hurting over all this......but he absolutely will shut down if he feels he did something "wrong."
I need to look out for my own mental health too....and I find myself diving head first into "hero mode" of this damn drama. I want him to have a relationship with his kiddo. I want him to be confident enough to deal with his EX. When he takes my advice, and it works, and he is happy - I definitely get my dopamine fix from that. I'm in counseling too for this - cuz Im stressed. I just know there is someone out there who has been in my shoes. Thanks for letting me vent! I don't know if I am cut out for a relationship with this kind of man...he needs love and support and someone in his corner....someone who has empathy and grace for what he has been through and for what he is going through. I have been all those things and more....but I find more recently my cup is drained faster and faster by his situation and I feel bad for wanting out some days.....
I think it's understandable
I think it's understandable that he is trying to present as "friendly" and reasonable of a picture to the courts as his EX is doing right now. He is afraid of being seen as not as cooperative of a parent.. or the one being difficult.. he is doing this for the court's benefit.. not his Ex's.. I would be ok in that light that he is doing this to not lose custody.
Send him to shrink4men.com.
Send him to shrink4men.com. Look up BIFF and parallel parenting. Giving her what she wants is destructive in the long run. Operating from fear is too. He needs to learn backwards and forwards how to deal with a HCBM so he knows when to play and when to walk away during her game playing. He should be protecting you from this too.
I Know This Too Well
As my SO was exactly like this when I met him. He was abused the SAME way by a manipulative Narc & he has diagnosed PTSD from it. He almost took his own life she was that bad. Now, big thing here in my story: My SO has been to counseling (before I met him) & he is receptive to my input & to changing his actions for more positive outcomes. It has taken us some time but your BF needs to build confidence in standing up to BM and he needs to know you are behind him with that support. If he isn't willing to learn to stand up (that isn't being an asshole BTW-My SO thought the same) you will burn out trying to deal with this. I absolutely agree with Survivingstephell above, he needs to understand the game & stop living in fear. Your BF's BM operated on control & fear-she knows it & will forever try to use it against him. Do you think he is receptive to any of that discussion of you two banding together to help him build confidence? Does he actually understand he was abused by BM? Honestly, many of these men do not. Once he started standing up to her a little more each time & she knew I was in his corner & way smarter than her, she backed off, way off. Actually, she won't even make eye contact with me now. She knows I am the reason he is stronger now and if we went toe to toe on anything, with me in his corner, WE would crush her!
Being reasonable and pleasant is a good strategy to position for
court.
However, taking the full history and facts to bare her ass is also important.
Show the Judge her history, how her new found co-parenting energy is obviously to blow sunshine up the Judge's robes, and who how your DH has bene consistent the whole time.
Being assertive does not require being confrontational or unreasonable in tone of communication.
We kept all communication even toned. Through banshee screaming SpermGrandHag rants (recording all calls, saving all answering machine messages, documenting it all in journals, etc....). When they would play the happy Mayberry family part in front of the judge we would recognize how we would appreciate that all of the time... then... we hit play on the call recordings, answering machine vitrolic messages, submitted excerpt from the Journals, etc.....
Play nice, until it is time to not play nice, then.... go for the throat in a measured, even toned, assertive way leaving their exanguinated body twitching in front of the Judge. Figuratively of course.
Facts. Use them. Document them. They are neither good, nor are they bad. They are merely facts.
After fileting their carcas in front of the court, share the facts with the kids so the kids can smell the stench of lies, manipulations, PAS, etc... Kids need the facts to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pools. Share the facts. In an age appropriate manner to mitigate the toxicity they are victimized by as they are groing up. Just as importantly, so they can protect themselves as adult.
IMHO of course.