Adding a baby to the mix?
I'm really struggling whether or not I should have children with DH. We are both in our mid thirties, he has one daughter with a hcbm that is quite the piece of work. I've set some boundaries with him around that drama (no unnecessary communication with bm, no $ sent even if she is theatening him again and no sd staying at our house until he actually gets some type of legal custody). Sd has never been to his home in the past and I can see BM calling CPS or 911 and claiming he kidnapped sd.
Both of us really want to start a family of our own but the more I learn about the hcbm the less safe I feel bringing a child or children into this mess. I know it's his mess but it impacts me and any future children as well. I've realized I do not want Sd to be involved with future children as I am worried about the influence she would have on them and the potential for bm to cause harm to them through her. Is this paranoid of me? I've shared my concerns with my Dh, his response has been to say she's just a child and she's a sweet girl. Yes, she's still young (about to turn 4) and other than being loud, bossy and selfish which is normal for many 4 year olds she seems pretty typical. I know it is a lot easier to establish a routine and boundaries when kiddos are young, I'm more worried about how this will look as she ages up. The first weekend we visited her she threw a tantrum in the hotel because she was told no tv, it's time for bed. We had to drive her after half an hour of sobbing/screaming because she wanted to watch tv.
I know this is not DH's fault, hcbm lets her stay up all night if she wants and watch tv in her room. She eats mostly junk food every day and mom thought it was so cuuuute to teach her to twerk at 2 years old. Now hcbm has started telling Dh he must visit her, her new bf's family has "adopted" sd and sd is so sad and alone because he isn't visiting, that she doesn't even want to talk to him on video chat anymore.
So of course Dh is feeling extra guilt (thank god he stopped trying to get me to drive him). Meanwhile, I'm over here like wtf is wrong with hcbm. She's demanding he visit monthly and that means I will be able to see dh 2 weeks per month (due to quarantine). Not to mention the ridiculous expense (plane + hotels + eating out + uber). Everytime he sees a kid with a toy he starts wondering if sd has one and talking about getting her one. We have a budget we sat down and planned out together, I asked him where in the budget the money was going to come from for extra gifts and he got angry and said, "I'm not allowed to spend money on my daughter?" My response was simply, "You do every month, it's the money you send to hcbm (500$)" He keeps talking about how everyone is equal in his eyes, that he will split time and money between all his children so it's even. I've tried explaining to him that life doesn't work like that. He cried after I told him we were never going to be one big happy family, that it is just not possible.
I felt like a complete jerk after that conversation but I don't see how we could ever be a happy family with the hcbm in the mix and he still hasn't contacted a lawyer about custody.
On the up side, we both have jobs and are healthy. We usually get along (unless it's sd related) and both of us are serious about trying to make our marriage work. He loves to play with our nieces and nephews and I can see the potential there for him to be a great dad. He is responsive to my suggestions and has been doing well with the boundaries we established when it comes to hcbm. He also has agreed we will not live within 200 miles of hcbm, I will not have her showing up on my doorstep.
So my question for everyone is, do you think it's okay to bring a baby into this? I want children so much but I also want them to be happy and I'm concerned about how this situation will impact them. I would especially be interested to hear from those that had children after their dh or dw already had kids. Thank-you!