Thinking about boycotting ss' birthday....am I out of line?
My ss is about to turn 9 in May. I never wanted kids, and still never do, yet I'm unwillingly playing a mommy role by default because I fell in love w/a man who had a kid from a previous marriage. For the past 3 years (the amount of time that I've been a mother figure in his life) I have worked my ass off planning, paying for and organizing his birthday parties. I strongly dislike kids so for me to entertain and invite several kids over is a huge step outside of my comfort zone. DH always thanks me for organizing & planning the parties, but fails to actually help out much. He forces ss to say thank you as well. SS is a very well behaved & well mannered child, so it's not that he's not actually thankful, he's just a kid and doesn't realize the amount of work I'm doing & stress I'm feeling and does not understand that it shouldn't even be my role. I have a very demanding, very stress full job so I don't have any more free time than DH does.
BM has was invited the 1st year even though I have no respect for her, she's still his mom so I felt I should invite her. She refused to come. The 2nd year I did not invite her since she stated my presence as the reason that she would not come the 1st year. The 2nd year she complained because she was not invited (go figure). The 3rd year I made sure to invite her since she wanted to come. Ever since she had finally found someone willing to marry her dumb psycho self she decided that she's finally over trying to control my husband and is suddenly a better parent and a better human being in general (better, does not equal even close to good, but she is better). She told us that she would be there. She told her son that she would be there. We never saw her & did not hear from her until an hour prior to the party ending. She had her fiance call to say that they couldn't make it. She was hungry after work and had to go eat after getting off work instead of coming to his party. We had plenty of food at the party and even if she didn't want to eat at the party I'm sure she could have gone through a drive through on the way there.
Back to the point. I'm sick of playing a role that I never wanted, never did anything stupid to fall into, which I never get respect, appreciation or credit for. BM begged DH to have a kid when they were married. DH ('dear husband', or possibly 'dumb ass husband' in this case) finally agreed to have a kid because BM had crazy thought that a child would 'fix' their marriage. Along comes kid, BM gets even more psycho, leaves state leaving DH & kid behind. They divorce, DH has primary (close to full) custody of kid. I'm now raising a kid that I don't want while the BM who begged for a kid has nothing to do with him. I'm fed up with it. She owes me everything and won't even give me respect or credit for raising her kid.
I really am debating whether or not to bother with planning a big party this year. DH is perfectly capable if he tries. BM doesn't even know what school kid goes to in order to invite his friends, nor would she go to the trouble to. I want ss to have a good childhood so I step in and parent when I don't want to be a parent. I'm sick of society treating me as crap because I don't have bio kids and don't want any. I do all of the work of a mom, but don't have any of the benefits. I don't want to hurt ss, but I want to make it clear to everyone that being a parent is not my job. His bday is May 5th, but I guarantee that I won't see a mothers day card on May 10th no matter how much work I do to make him happy. Last year one parent (typical soccer mom, PTA advocate) came to the party just to preach to me about how I should join PTA. Trust me, you don't want me on the PTA when I dislike children, but I couldn't say that to her when she's leaving her kid with me for the next few hours. It absolutely disgusted me, but I had to grin and bear it.
Am I wrong to want to boycott the birthday party planning this year? I'll attend a party if my DH throws one. I'll wish him happy bday. I'll buy him nice gifts. I'm just sick of being someone that I never wanted to be without any gratitude for my sacrifices.
Does it have to be a party?
Do you have the option of say, taking ss and one of his friends to an amusement park or something?
I feel your pain...
I met my DH 8 1/2 years ago (got married on our 8th year anniversary) and my heart SANK when he told me he had a 7 yr old son - who is now almost 16. I wasn't born with motherly instincts and have not run across too many females like myself (I'm 47) who DO NOT Like kids. They have to be like Walley & Beaver before I can warm up to them. My SS and I have never bonded and I feel we're like oil & water. He's a good kid for a kid but different parenting styles have made it difficult. I'm more military style and my DH is more enabling, feels guilt ridden for not spending enough time with his son, and doesn't see that all the rules we all agree upon get broken unless I slap him upside the head (figuratively speaking of course). I commend you for trying to be a super stepmom, but don't torture yourself. I've learned to disengage in the SS's relationship which allows me to almost like the kid (and my hubby since he basically took over) a little more each day. I've learned to step back in discipline, homework, and all other aspects of SS's life. If I get too close to the parenting of SS, I expect more from both DH & SS and get disappointed every time. It's DH's job to raise his son, not mine. This has tought my H to pay closer attention to details of what SS did or didn't do that was supposed to be done. I'm no longer the bad guy, it's time SS's father takes the lead - Mantellas, don't enable his dad to be a lazy father. If your H wants a party, then let him throw one. Be there, smile, and watch from your comfort zone. It's time he takes the bull by the horns and recognizes he's pushing you over your motherly limits. Speaking of Mother's Day; (I've never been one except to 4 legged furry critters which is more than OK for me.) Last year, trying to do the right thing, I bought a card and strawberry pie for my SS to take to his mom who lives within walking distance to our house. Do you think the lazy a** would have the respect, courtesy, or thoughtfulness to take it to her? Kids think the world revolves around them and no one else matters. I gave it to him for his mother on a silver platter and it still wasn't good enough. I don't even like his mother or EVER communicate with her but thought HE should be respectful and act like he cares. I don't care if he ever gives me anything and don't expect anything from him. Disengage now before it's too late. Don't get me wrong, I PUSH for dad & SS to spend time together but they can do it without me. It's a shame we can't be more like a happy family together and I feel guilty about it, but I quit fooling myself because it will never happen. Maybe when SS grows up and becomes a respectful, kind, unselfish, grateful, responsible, hard working, etc... adult then I'll begin to like him. I know I sound so negative, but I'm really a very positive, outgoing, and happy individual otherwise. I'm grateful to have this site in order to vent and find others who feel my pain. Thanks for your post.
Don't do
anything you really don't want to do. Kids in general are all about themselves. Only do it if you want to------if you're after "grateful", it won't usually happen. Back off, let the dad plan things.
Why does he need a big party? We usually just did a little
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
pizza thing with maybe a sleepover with friends, and had family for cake & ice cream...nothing to strenous. And that was for my sons-when I was married to their dad-and I love those boys more than anything. I don't see why huge parties are required for kids birthdays-and I like kids! but I am developing an aversion to older teenage girls.
You don't have to knock yourself out. If your DH feels a big ole blow out party is required, guess he can put one on.
I totally AGREE with BW
The kid is 9!!!
What's the deal with these HUGE blowout parties?
BW, I agree- my younger son would do the sleepover party thing for YEARS with a group of his closest friends. VERY low-key. Pizza, ice cream cake, video games, snacks & soda. Oh, but since his is in the summertime, they would add swimming in the pool, too.
And he's done it up until this past year when he was 15! And he and his buddies absolutely look forward to it.
And so do I. No fuss- no muss. And he's happy. And so am I.
Mantellas, if your DH wants the big "blowout" party- let HIM plan it! Id' go, smile, and play "nice", but I'd be damned if I'd be saddled with all the work. JMHO.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Parties are not mandatory
We never had big 'parties' for birthdays when I was growing up in the 70s. We had a special family dinner and maybe 1 or 2 presents and that was it.
Your SS will survive and if he won't, then DH and BM need to step up - its their kid!!
I wouldn't plan anything but you may want to e-mail BM that you aren't, so she can if they think it is that important. I would not say the real reasons, just that you aren't up to it anymore and don't have time or energy to do it.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
my gosh
Your talking about a 9 year old.
how immature that would be of you. You should have a birthday for the kid in any way you can, even if its one you and your DH have for him. No need for expensive gifts but you should have a birthday for him. No matter how you feel about it.
I must say, I'm a little put
I must say, I'm a little put off by people that just don't like kids...I don't understand it. I mean, you realize that at one time YOU were a kid, too, right? Isn't that age discrimination or something?! just kidding. But aside from that, I understand not wanting to raise a child you did not choose to create. So the best you can do being married to a father is back off and tell him its his responsibility to fill the primary parental role, which includes bday planning. Good luck!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
not liking kids
Yes, maelis070179, I realize that I was once a kid. Looking back, I as an adult, would've hated myself as a kid even though I wasn't a bad kid.
I've had complete strangers preach to me and insult me for not wanting kids when they pried into my personal life without reason. My sister-in-law refuses to accept me as family because I don't want to have children. If I don't want to have kids then I shouldn't have kids, it's as simple as that.
I know it's hard for some (most) women to understand not wanting children, but even if you don't understand it personally, women (and men) shouldn't have kids if they aren't planning to have them & looking forward to them.
I understand not wanting to
I understand not wanting to have kids, I have friends like that, but I honestly don't get not liking any of them. But I don't think either is anyone's place to pry into your life, preach or insult you about it. Its really nobody's business but your's, and your husbands. I'm sorry you're treated that way, that sucks
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Choosing not to have kids is really ok- and doesn't need
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
justification! Unfortunately, there are alot of women who should justify having kids-because they don't care for them once they have them.
My niece and her H do not want children. She has worked in a supermarket for some time, and is around misbehaving children daily. She said she just doesn't want that in her life. And her husband concurs.
I'd sure rather see that than some who keep having more and more children, even tho they cannot afford to take of the ones they already have.
There should be some kind of
There should be some kind of screening and application process!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
if you don't want kids, then you don't want kids...
it should be as simple as that. I personally, love kids, but, I have a close friend who does not so much, and never will have them. She admits she would make a terrible mom, it's just not her thing. I think it takes a lot of courage for her to admit that out loud. And I'm glad that she thought it all through before hand, and is sticking to her decision, insted of letting family, friends, or men, try to sway her in a different direction. I wonder why it's more acceptable for a man to say they don't want kids, but it's frowned apon when a woman has such strong convictions about it?? " A first marriage is like buying your first home, sometimes you just gotta start small"~ Me.
Its one of those things on
Its one of those things on the Male Priviledge checklist...and yes, that checklist actually exists! Google it! I guess because women (most) have the ability, society assumes they will have the desire, and most do. But those that don't, all the sudden there's something "wrong" with them? puh-lease!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Just for the record
my ss is one of the best kids out there. His father brought him up well (without much help from BM) before I was even in the picture. If he was a less well behaved kid, then I couldn't take it and probably wouldn't have married his father regardless of how much I love him. He's a great kid, I just don't particularly care for kids and certainly will not be having any of my own and DH does not want any more either. It's just a huge restraint on my freedom and an invasion of my peace to have a child living in my house. DH and I can't travel without figuring out arrangements for the kid. We can never move out of the metroplex without working out something with the evil BM. If I want peace and quiet, forget it, I have to leave my own house. I do like teens, so maybe things will change once we get to that stage, either that or I'll learn why most people dread the teenage years.
If I ever do decide to have a child, I'll consider adopting a teen or preteen instead of birthing. I don't like babies, so I don't feel the need to torture myself by having one. There are plenty of kids without loving homes, and teens, the age I like, have less chance of being adopted. Considering adopting an older child would be the best choice for me, my marriage, and the kid involved. That's IF, and that's a big IF, I ever decide to have a kid.
My DH is a great dad, he just doesn't always step up if he sees that I'm taking care of something. I don't do things for the purpose of getting gratitude, but it upsets me that my efforts are not even seen, especially by BM who has almost no part in the upbringing of her child. I really need to listen to Sherw's advice. It's just hard to actually put in place.
...
...
Mantellas, Disengaging isn't
Mantellas,
Disengaging isn't hard to put in place once you finally reach that breaking point and know you need to do SOMETHING to save yourself and your marriage. We weren't blessed with those maternal instincts which make it so hard for others to relate or understand. Backing off and not feeling responsible for other people's kids has lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders. I'm different and I know it...my DH accepts me for who I am and more importantly who I'm NOT. I wish you well.
Remember this isn't your
Remember this isn't your child. If your BF wants you to assist that is one thing but he is the one that should be doing most of the work. I am sure he knows how you feel about kids anyway so he should be respecting that and planning the party himself.
One of the things
that get us into trouble as women, is making announcements.
I know lots of men that do not cook, do not want children, etc. but they do not make announcements about it----so no one bothers them about their culturally divergent thinking.
Just watch them----when someone admits to one of these socially horrific things, they just remain quiet. They don't question the person, nor do they agree or disagree.
This is the perfect place to vent----but in the real world sometimes it is better to mind your tongue. Don't let people know how you really think all the time---there is some wisdom there somewhere.
Mantellas,
You don't have to like children if you don't want to----really, you don't.
don't do it!
Go with the small party like others suggested. Sleepovers with pizza and video games are awesome. For the last two years that's the party that SD10 has wanted. Well, what she's really wanted is a swimming party, but I can't help the fact her bday's in January so it's just not happening.
I bet when my SS5 turns 9 he would love it if we just threw him and four of his friends in the backyard with a tent for the night. That might worry me too much though. I'll have to think about that one.
And ya, I still don't much care for kids. I like the skids but for the most part, I'm only very slowly coming around to liking kids in general as a result of them. I'm like crayon, I have issues with modern parenting (or the lack thereof) and most of the time I'm cringing when I see how kids act in public. The ones I get to know, friends' kids, relatives, I like alright, but the sheer numbers of rude, ill-mannered kids out there make it difficult for me to make a blanket statement such as "I like kids."
It'd be as hard to say "I like all people" knowing there are some a$$holes out there and you betcha in a lot of cases they're raising a$$hole kids.
Have you all read Mantellas'
Have you all read Mantellas' bio? She doesn't now or ever wanted kids. I can relate. I fell in love with the hubby but thought I could learn to at least like his kid if he was like his dad. BUT HE'S NOT...he's more like his BM. Mantellas is asking for advice in a situation you all couldn't understand unless you're drowning in the same swamp. If hubby wants a party for the son, let him throw it and don't let him pawn off the irritating job to Mantellas. If he doesn't get involved now, it will always become her burden to bare. You can't change someone's attitude about a situation if they don't want to change. She can't all of the sudden decide to like children...I KNOW I can't and I'm sorry that you other ladies can't understand that.
Why does everyone think they
Why does everyone think they are entitled to a party in the first place? That's the problem with this society, kids think because they exist, they're entitled to be treated like princes or princesses. You set the precedent, and it's expected from now on. Mantellas is already bending over backwards to pretend to fit in this mommy role. I feel sorry for her since I've walked a million miles in her shoes already. Someone else can do all the leg work if they want to have the party and she can sit back and make sure no one hurts themselves - keep the pressure off and make dad responsible for it all. i'm sure she was hoping her attitude would change about wanting to spend time with kids, but it took a lifetime to get to that point in life. Now she has to deal with it the best she can without putting the emotional pressure all on herself. Let Dad step up to the plate and help her through the pain.
In my first marriage
I didn't have children & I was in my 30s. Many a time I was judged by other people and even told that since I didn't have kids I must not like them. It always amazed me the crap people would say w/o knowing anything. My ex didn't want kids, I did... I loved kids.
It is okay not to be a big kid person & it is wrong for others to just judge woman especially for that.IMO.
I really think that the issue lies more with once we marry our husbands THEY expect us to just take over & do almost everything for the kids. I really think that is the problem. What if Mantellas wasn't in the picture. Who then would be throwing the kid a party. For not being a kid person it sounds like she has done a good job mothering the step son.
Trust me I am a kid person & it was really hard to go from the life where everything was about me & doing what I wanted when I wanted, to having kids. It is a major lifestyle change. My sister is struggling with that too in her new family situation.
Thanks Sweetthing, sounds
Thanks Sweetthing, sounds like you understand what I was trying to say. I'm not too good about expressing myself and you hit the nail on the head. "...THEY expect us to take over and just do everything..." Women are EXPECTED to be the caregivers and nurturerers. When that doesn't come naturally for some of us, it throws a monkey wrench in the whole equation. Hubbies need to learn what they can & can't expect from us non-maternal types. I still try to be what I'm not to an extent, but I no longer feel pushed to my wits end. I make suggestions for activites for ss & dad so they spend quality time together, but I only involve myself as far as my comfort zone will allow. If I don't, we all suffer...not just me.
I really don't want everyone to be miserable just because I am at times. Life has been much better this way 
We dated 8 years until getting married in December. He knew what he was getting into and learned to step up to the plate and be a dad and not pawn his parental duties on me. I do what I can, but he knows it's not my total responsibility for his son's happiness, discipline, entertainment, homework, etc. Backing off (disengaging) has given the whole family more peace in the home. BTW, taking away the remotes from SS really helped too! Now we are actually forced to communicate more which allows me to almost get to know SS just a little better. Maybe he's not such a lazy arse after all? :O
JMO...
Mantellas, I get that you don't want to be responsible for planning a party. However, your SS has had a party with you and your H for the last 3 years, the precedent has been set.... my feeling is that if you don't want to plan the party this year, make it perfectly clear to your H that it's on him. Tell him point blank that if he wants his son to have a party this year that it is his responsibility to plan it etc.... Don't just boycott it without putting the responsibility on your H, that just wouldn't be fair to your SS. That way, if your H drops the ball, you can honestly tell your SS 'I'm sorry, but your Dad knew that he was in charge this year'. Just my opinion of course....
Just out of curiousity - why did you start planning his birthday parties in the first place?
Thanks for understanding the
Thanks for understanding the situation crayon, you said that very well! I've learned so much from all you wonderful folks out there with your wisdom and means to express it.
Now I can't wait to hear what Mantellas has to say about all of this.
Today is the Bday. I'm
Today is the Bday. I'm curious how you decided to handle it??