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"There might be snakes...."

paul_in_utah's picture

This was DW's lates excuse as to why SD17 can't help with the yard work. A bit of background below:

Despite showing some occasional signs of progress, DW is still a card-carrying "friend" parent, who zealously works to pamper and baby SD17. For those of you who have followed my posts, you have seen how my DW will bend over backwards to defend SD17, always endeavoring to find a positive "spin" to SD17's actions and choices, while at the same time sweeping legitimate concerns under the rug. Nothing is ever SD17's fault, teachers are out to get her, etc. I'm sure most on here are familiar with this routine.

Well, of course DW's protectiveness extends to anything that I ask SD17 to do. SD17 has no chores, does not pick up her room, and generally can't be bothered to get off the couch. I think that this is really wrong, as kids should have at least some chores to help out around the house. Chores build discipline, teach useful skills, and help build pride in your home (which one day, kids would hopefully apply to homes of their own). I have mostly given up trying to get DW to require chores of SD17, but occasionally I will try, with the most recent attempt relating to raking leaves.

I asked DW to have SD17 rake the leaves in the backyard, and at first, DW tried putting it off by saying that SD17 was busy with school, or might have homework. This was BS of course, as SD17 is a lousy student, and to my knowledge has never once done homework. Once school was over for the semster, DW could not use this excuse any more, so she said that SD17 might get "cold" while raking the leaves. I should point out here that it seldom gets below 40 degrees, and SD17 has plenty of warm clothes. Also, our yard is not so big, so it would not have taken all that long. Finally, we had a beautiful, warm day during the Christmas break. The stage was set for SD17 to actually do some work. At this point, DW finally came up with an excuse that I could not overcome: there might be snakes in the backyard, and she couldn't take the chance that SD17 might get bitten.

I was floored when I heard this ridiculous excuse. Our home is in the middle of the suburbs, so we do not have problems with wild animals. I've seldom seen squirrels and birds, and I have never once seen a snake or anything remotely dangerous. This was just another attempt by DW to prevent me from imposing chores on SD17, so she could be the "hero" to SD17 by circumventing me, the evil old step-dad.

As you can surmise from the above story, DW does not ever block my attempts to impose chores out of any concern for SD17's safety. She only does it so she won't "upset" SD17, who then might not want to be buddies. DW does not understand that she is actually harming SD17 in the long-run, because SD will never learn any responsibility, or how to do things for herself. She will always be dependent on DW, and has virtually zero chance of becoming a responsible, independent adult some day.

And guess who got to rake the leaves, braving the "snakes," and "cold" weather. That's right, me! Apparently DW isn't too worried about those things affecting me, just SD17. It is utterly maddening. Ugh.

Elizabeth's picture

I feel for you, and I have no solution. SD was 12 when we moved into this house. DH refused to make her mow the yard because "I don't like how she does it." Um, OK. So teach her the right way. You guessed it, that was just an excuse to never make SD mad at him for expecting any work out of her. Congratulations on raising a helpless brat.

Vichychoisse's picture

OMG. Wow. I quite literally did a spit-take when I read "an excuse that I could not overcome: there might be snakes in the backyard". How can she even say that with a straight face??

I'm now imagining seething, squirming piles of pythons and cobras slithering amidst the grass and bushes, and hanging from the orange tree in our suburban back yard. LOL! Sorry to laugh, but the ridiculousness is ridiculous!

Not sure what I can offer except that you are completely in the right and you present a sensible and reasonable rationale. I'm not sure if I could have taken that response. I would have laughed directly in my SO's face and told him he could sleep in the backyard with all the scary snakes. And leaves.

paul_in_utah's picture

There is a lot of truth to this idea - that bio-parents want their kids to be dependant on them, thereby guarnteeing that the kids will always be around.

I have had **many** discussions with DW about not letting her kids stick around after high school. She swears up and down that this won't be the case, but I could easily see her renegging on her word. DW has a "split personality" when it comes to her kids. Sometimes she sees their faults, and can't wait until they are gone, but other times they are "perfect little angels." I hope that she completely comes to her senses when SD17 graduates. Ugh.

Kes's picture

Dear God! This is absolutely ridiculous! Agree with Foxie - she is probably getting a fat arse from no exercise, but by the age of 17 her habits are probably well entrenched. Having said that, I was probably lax in getting my adult daughters to help out when they were younger. Despite that, they both keep clean, tidy, well run houses with their partners, so it does not automatically follow she is going to be a lazy slut when she is independent.

What would bug me more about your situation is that your DW is not on the same page as you, and makes constant excuses for her daughter. My DH used to be like this about his daughters, but over the last few years he has begun to see their shortcomings much more clearly, and tries (unsuccessfully) to correct them. The worst one is that when they come for the weekend, one of them invariably leaves something necessary at BM's house, meaning DH has to drive them over there again to pick it up. I keep telling him to let them get their asses over under their own steam to pick it up if they cannot live without their phone charger/spare outfit/book till Sunday night.

jadedprincess's picture

LMAO I grew up on a 10 acre lake front property in florida and in the Okefenokee swamp in Georgia. At 9 I was responsible for killing the moccasins in the pump house in Fl and when in Ga my Cousins and I were told not to jump on Gators that were over 5 foot. but we were raised around these animals and taught how to deal with them safely. FYI family in Ga are avid hunters and have a license for gator hunting.