SD17 dropped the F-bomb!
Had a good one tonight!
For those of you who have followed my postings on here, I am a step-father to a "wonderful" SD17. My DW is a guilty "friend" parent who does not believe in discipline or meaningful consequences. My SD17 has really racheted up the bad behavior over the last yeat, and has relentlessly campaigned to break up my marriage to DW. This led to my decision to completely disengage back in March, which by and large has mitigated many of the problems that SD17 creates. For the most part, I just sit back and watch what happens. I am out of town for a lot for work, so I usually miss out on a lot of the stuff that SD17 does, since DW will tend to edit out SD17's misdeeds from our conversations, or at best will down-play the significance of what SD17 has done. However, DW called me tonight and told me about SD17's latest stunt, and it was a doozy.
As a bit of background, my father-in-law, DW's dad, is a well-meaning but reactionary hillbilly gun nut. He has gifted SD17 with no fewer than 7 deer rifles of various sizes and specifications. Even if SD17 was responsible and mature, she would never be allowed to keep these guns in her room. However, SD17 is is not responsible at all, and is in fact extremely immature, so there is no way in hell that she will ever have free access to these weapons (not to mention the fact that I genuinely fear for my safety, since SD17 could shoot me while I'm asleep, or hit me with the butt of the gun, etc.).
We keep the guns locked up in my office for safekeeping (see my logs a few months ago for the story about having to put locks on some of the interior doors in our house). The office is always locked, and SD17 is not allowed in the office during the brief times that it is unlocked. A few weeks ago, I had left the office open while DW and I were out of the house, and SD17 was with her grandmother, DW's mom. SD17's grandmother unexepectedly dropped SD17 off at the house before DW and I got home, and SD17 immediately ran into the office and retrieved "her" guns. I later found them hidden in her closet during a routine contraband sweep, and returned them to the office. This majorly pissed off SD17, but it also pissed me off because SD17 went into the office. Of course, DW did nothing. No punishment, no talk with SD17, etc.
Anyway, tonight DW went into the office to put some stuff up, and SD17 followed her into the office and tried to retrieve the guns. DW, to her credit, actually told her no. SD17 then got extremely indignant, and told DW that I "was always taking her fucking stuff!" DW was floored - she could not believe that SD17 dropped the f-bomb! I was actually pretty surprised to hear that myself, even considering what a brat SD17 is. Of course, DW did not punish SD17 for using profantity, nor did she punish her for arguing about wanting the guns in her room. I told DW that I really felt that punishment was in order, but of course I did not push it since I am disengaged, and don't want to give SD17 the satisfaction of knowing that what she did bothered me.
I guess that I am kind of at a loss on this one. SD17 has really crossed the line, both with her language, and her insistence on arguging about the guns. I really can't get involved without breaking my disengagement pledge, but at the same time I really don't think that SD17 should get away with what she did. On the plus side, DW has agreed to let me start locking the door to our bedroom at night, since she agrees with me that SD17 might actually try to harm me, so I guess that is something.
Does anyone have thoughts on this issue? Should I just let it drop? Should I push for getting rid of the guns?
I would send all the guns
I would send all the guns back to grandpa and say that they have to stay there until she moves out on her own. Then put a firm no gun rule on the house and do regualar sweeps to make sure they do not return. Does your SD have a license for these guns? I would not just make it a you vs. her issue but a legal one if she doesn't. You don't want to take the chance that she hurts someone and you are then responsible because they were in your home in your care.
Wow. Giving guns to a
Wow. Giving guns to a teen.....and they are not even the parents. I would be more concerned about the whole gun bit than the language, but that is probably because my SD used words like that all the time. Not sure how you convince your wife to give consequences if she can't quite go there and if you have disengaged. Tough one. But yeah, I do think you should push for getting rid of the guns, all of them. Just the fact that you have to lock your room because you feel unsafe is just crazy. Push it for your own safety, which is above and beyond any disengagement. I mean, even if you disengage, would you not protect yourself if she raised a hand to you? This is way more dangerous.
Sorry you have to feel like that in your own home.
Definitely guns back to
Definitely guns back to grandpa and a no gun rule in the house. Wow. I am fearful of my two step daughters and if they had guns, I'd probably be dead. What an awful thought....I'd get rid of them. I'd really want her to have nothing to do with the guns until she was more mature to handle them -- like say, maybe 30 years old!!
I agree with other posters, I
I agree with other posters, I would not have the guns in the house at all, whether or not under lock and key in your office. We have much stricter gun laws in the UK, and most guns apart from air rifles need a license on the part of the holder from the police. I used to be married to a farmer who kept a shotgun and this had to be in a locked steel cabinet, which was in turn secured to the wall or ground.
I think grandpa must be a little strange to give SD17 one gun, let alone seven. I would give them back to him, or if he won't take them, get rid of them some other way. I wouldn't worry about offending him - in my view a deadly weapon is NOT an appropriate gift for anyone, least of all a volatile teen. If even your DW agrees that SD might try to harm you - surely having guns in the house is not a great idea.
It's time to go. How can
It's time to go.
How can you continue to live with a kid you fear will hurt or kill you?
I would take them into the
I would take them into the police station and be done with it. Be prepared for fall out, but you have a right to feel safe in your house. As for FIL, what kind of idiot gives guns to a kid...
I like the idea of a storage
I like the idea of a storage locker. What else I might be in favor of is taking her to a range and teaching her how to PROPERLY use a gun for sporting activities.
I hear the fear, and I fully understand how it can quickly become paranoia too!
SD 'stayed' with some drug runners after she cut off the monitoring bracelet and ran from her mother's house. She called us after a week or two being 'on the run' and we picked her up. We had a work trip that we could not avoid so we fed her, let her sleep for a comfortable night and took her with us. I watched her like a hawk, LOL, seriously! As soon as we got back DH dropped her off at juvenile detention, they all fully understood why and what we did because they know all we have dealt with concerning SD since she was age 13. Anyhow, a phone call comes in to my cell. It's one of the people associated with the drug runners, SD must have been using my cell? This guy wants to give us the 'heads up' that the people's house had been raided by the cops and the drug runner was in jail. Guns and drugs were siezed from the house.
Also, he told us, the juvenile DA was cutting kids deals if they cooperated and gave information. This drug runner was convinced that SD had gone to jail and cut a deal so he was out gunning for her as soon as he was released. NOW imagine my paranoia? Our living room window is floor to ceiling and our dogs are often lying there watching the world go by, and barking at it! Imagine sitting in your armchair watching TV one night and a hail of bullets comes in the window?
We told the guy that SD was with us, dates etc, and no way was it her that called it in. The guy said he'd make sure the information was relayed but that's scary stuff!
Nothing bad came of it but I said that SD is a danger to herself and others, the company she kept and the consequences of that are NOT just hers!
I imagine that if this kid is all gung ho with huntin' shootin' and fishin' she can be shown and taught safety with weapons. If she's just a young punk then no way should she be allowed access to guns! What the hell was grandpa thinking about?
DW needs to get her head out of her ass and deal with her NOW before this has a chance to escalate. You said you have disengaged but I am fairly sure you know someone who could relay your concerns in such a way that DW would 'get it'? Right?? It does not have to be you, some trusted friend of hers! It's a rock and a hard place and I know the void very well my friend. I honestly do not think that she has it in her to actually do you bodily harm, though, and I think she's loving every second of your 'fear' and milking it to the max! There is something missing in the brains of folks like her and it's not entirely her fault if she has never been exposed to any other perspectives, decent perspectives. Move the guns and do not tell anyone...leave the cabinet locked and keep locking the doors as you are doing. Let her have her wee pleasures for now. YOU know that if she goes to get a gun to do you any harm with that she will not be able to find them. She'll have to do a rethink and maybe chicken out, her anger will clue you in...right? You can be better prepared and keep a cell phone by you to call the cops if she assaults you with ANYTHING! DW is not going to do anything until she feels like it I guess? I wish you the best of luck.
WTF. I'm sorry, but your wife
WTF. I'm sorry, but your wife is just as crazy as your SD.
I have to ditto others. The
I have to ditto others. The f-bomb, let her mom handle that. She didn't say it TO YOU. If she says something like that to you. Then you handle it.
As far as the guns, I agree with the storage locker idea. They should not be in your home, but you and DW should have full control of them. WTF does a 17 year old girl need with 7 rifles.
The last thing I'd do is live in fear of my life in my house. Paul, you have done wonderfully in disengaging. Keep it up. Don't engage in the cussing issue. DO ENGAGE in the gun control issue. Then let DW know at 18, SD needs to make other living arrangements.
**** UPDATE **** DW has
**** UPDATE ****
DW has agreed to let me hide the guns in the attic when I get back from my business trip. The only access to the attic is from the garage, and the car is usually in the way. Also, SD17 would never look up there, so I am not too concerned with her finding them. We considered getting a gun safe, but I'm not dropping $500.00 on that.
I have really been pushing DW to talk to her ex-husband, SD17's "pefect" bio-daddy, about having SD17 move in with him. However, she won't do it, because she thinks that he would say "no," and that SD would act even worse knowing that we tried to get rid of her. I agree that it's likely he would say no, but at this point, I think that it is worth a shot.
As for long-term prospects, I have made it VERY clear to DW that SD17 will be moving out after high school. DW is well aware that many kids try to stay at home after high school these days, and DW has agreed that we will rent our house out if necessary, in order to get SD17 out (I travel a lot for work, and DW would quit working and travel with me in this scenario). The day when SD17 is out of the house can't come soon enough.
I like this. You have
I like this. You have everything lined up nicely. Are you going to tell SD that you got rid of them? She will wonder where they went and start looking once taken out of the office.
I am also going to look into
I am also going to look into this idea. I would feel ok about leaving them locked in the office as long as all of the guns had gun locks as well.
I told DW tonight that the current situation with SD17 is not working. I told her that I wanted her to ask SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy to take SD17, even though it is unlikely that he will say yes. Even if it the odds are low, we need to try. DW, of course, did not give an answer either way. I also told DW that I do not want to be around SD17, and that she had better not say anything about me avoid situations in which I might come into contact with SD17. She didn't say that she approved of this idea, but she didn't argue with it either.
Guns and safety are much
Guns and safety are much bigger issues than language. No lock would give me a peaceful rest in that house.
Agree with others they should be off-site.