Wait, first you say DW doesn't discipline your sd, and then you complain that dw has to deal with the fallout of the bio-dad getting onto sd over the phone? At least he is getting onto her! Are you just upset because you want to see it for yourself?

The way I see it, the SM did you a favor. Now that sd can drive, you can hang that over her head for incentive to actually study for school. If her grades come up, she can drive. I'm not sure why you plan on her not driving. You just hoping she will move out one day, drive off into the sunset and mow down people and possibly kill herself because nobody let her drive? I'm confused...

I have mixed emotions after reading your story. I wholeheartedly agree BF and SM did this out of spite and it's a miserable thing to do to undermine your authority. I don't agree with your stance about the driving issue however. Driving is a essential skill for a independent adult and I believe that it's the job of any parent or stepparent to try and teach their kids these things. That being said I don't believe you should give her a free pass. When my niece was old enough to get a permit she bugged me about it constantly. I required that her grades improve and that our driving time involve her going to places to look into jobs and higher education programs(college, trade schools) for after high school. She was 16 at the time and while she's still now at age 19 annoying she is attending a junior college and has a decent job as a cashier at a local supermarket. I can't tell you what to do but I think that it might be a good opportunity to try and teach her responsibility and that in the real world you have to work to get something you want

I agree with the people above. It was a dick move on the SM and BF to take her to get the permit. I do feel however that you can use this against her. If she forgoes the reward then you dont have to worry about her driving the car. When I got my permit so many years ago I had an agreement with my parents. I had to make grades no lower than A's and B's and I had to get a part time job in the evenings in order to pay the insurance on the car. This kept me so busy I didn't have much time to get in trouble. If you set the guidelines and she choses not to stay within them, then its on her. You can't be the bad guy for following the rules! Then if she does decide to get her grades up, and gets a job to cover the insurance, start off with small blocks of time on the weekend that she is allowed to use the car. If she can do right and earn trust she can earn more time...if she screws up during the week then no car time on the weekends.

I don't know if it is the same in the US, but here in the UK, the cost of insuring a 17 year old is huge, about the same as buying a good secondhand car. We have had a discussion about driving with SD16, who wants to learn as soon as she is 17 (in 3 weeks). I said she could have my car, as we have two and don't really need two as DH commutes to work by train. However, I stipulated that SD HAD to get a job to fund the ongoing running costs, and that BM would pay the insurance. So far, we have had no further conversations about it. DH said SD16 said there were no jobs going (rubbish) and I think BM probably doesn't want to pay insurance.

I agree it is very annoying that step dad and SM took this action - but hopefully you can stick to your guns about SD driving your car, and your DW will not take a different approach to you.

I know I do not have all the info as that would make a very long post but - it sounds to me like the BD is the only one who actually does put limits on SD.

SD objects to them because she has never had limits set by anyone else. So I don't see it as him being an ass, I think he is being more of a parent than a friend.

I don't think they are doing this against you or dw, I think he is trying to help his daughter. Clearly driving is an essential skill independent adults need.

And I don't see how her stepmom has anything to do with this, other than helping her husband??

Actually, you don't have to have the driver insured when they have a permit. They are covered until the policy for the auto they are driving e.g. she is driving your car (with licensed adult of course) it is covered under your policy, if she is driving Dads car, it is under his policy.

I agree with you and the others...this would be a valuable teaching tool but you DW has made things incredibly rough by not being the adult in this r'ship nor by talking to her EXH and making things clear how it goes in ur house.

Ouch...bad spot to be in.

Sounds exactly like what happened in my house. Just wait until bio-dad buys her a car when she gets her permanent license. That's all kinds of fun....

BM remarried and all BM and SD17 talk about during monthly visits is what a great life-insurance policy step-dad has and that BM will be loaded of anything happens to him. Step-dad also has a wealthy (mean as a snake) mother. Step-dad is a cruel felon, but his mother simply bought a car for SD17 this summer. Without. Discussing. It. With. DH.

I hit the roof, told DH that under no circumstances would I put one dime toward that car. FOR. ANYTHING. Not paying for insurance, not for gas, not for repairs. NADA. If SD17 can't pay for the car, the car sits. She has insurance under BM's policy (which makes her premium over $100/mo more than if she was under ours.) Step-dad wouldn't title the car to DH, so that means the insurance has to be under step-dad's name, which is in another city in our state 4 hours away. Just about the time SD17 got her permanent license, she told us that BM allowed her to drive everywhere (even the highway) all the time. That she had quite an extensive amount of practice driving with BM. So, voila..."Here's a car for you, Baby Girl. I haven't been there for you all these years, and I've wanted to do this for you." Yep, a direct quote.

BM essentially issued SD17 her freedom to come and go as she pleases. And she does. DH doesn't say no to the child. EVER.

Your SD will drive. You can teach her. It's better that YOU see exactly how she is behind the wheel. If it's inevitable, you sure would want to know what kind of driver she actually is. She may surprise you. My SD17 is actually a very good driver. I taught her. Did I want to? Hell to the NO. But, if she was going to be taking my car (inevitable since DH is so frickin predictable), I wanted to know that she could drive with some sense. If I thought for one second that she was an irresponsible driver...no car.

In the year leading up to SD17 getting her learning permit, I expressed to my DH that I would never allow her to drive my car. She wouldn't be able to handle my car. (Too fast, fun, etc..) Didn't matter. Fell on deaf ears. She did drive my car, DH allowed her to take it without my permission. The car is, after all, in both of our names. His standard answer to me has always been, "What's the point of having a license if she can't drive." DH would pout, clutch his chest, be dramatic. It's always about giving SD17 what she wants. No. Matter. What.

In my state, both parents must approve of the teen driving. If one parent takes it upon themselves to get the teen a permit, or the teen does it on their own,a parent can submit a form to the dept of motor vehicles and it can be revoked. DW should see if that is an option.

I'm not sure what the solution is if you can't afford to put the 17 yr old on your insurance, and can't afford a wrecked car...did nobody plan on this girl reaching 17? How is she going to ever drive? Do you live somewhere with good public transportation? She will forever be in your house if you can't aid her in driving off into the sunset...away from you...I don't get the logic. BTW, how irresponsible can she possibly be if she has to have an adult driver in the car?

I want to comment on the fact that DW did not head this off at the pass by discussing it openly and firmly with the child in the first place. I simply do not understand why bio-parents see an issue coming at them, refuse to do anything about it and then wonder why there are issues later? My FH does this constantly! Rather than confront any of his teen children, he simply sticks his head in the sand and hopes it goes away. IT NEVER DOES! And then he has the nerve to whine and complain when there are problems.

I have tried everything from gently reminding him of the 147 previous times that he has avoided things and suggesting that he do something proactively when a situation is looming to, once everything has blown up in his face, pointing out the obvious fact that he could have avoided the whole thing by, you know, PARENTING! Ugh! Apparently a whole lot of parents are too afraid of potentially upsetting their special little snowflakes to make any attempt at guiding their lives. They would rather simply clean up messes after the fact. What a damned shame.

I agree - I would be peeved in SM did that - I think it should be the decision of whomever the child resides w/. Period....as far as insurance issues......I know in my state and dealing w/ insurance w/ my job....after she gets her lic she will need insurance of course; adding her will be a lot of $. I expect SM won't pay for this......right; she just wanted to cause trouble. Simply exclude her on your policy. This leagally says that you don't ALLOW her to driver your vehicles.....and if she steals one.......it's not on YOU! Good luck w/ this......

Eh... I wanted to comment on this because of a couple of things. It's just my opinion and much of it is pulled from how I was raised.

1. I do believe that driving is an important part of becoming independent and responsible. She will have to learn one day and if it's not through her parents, then how is she going to learn to do so? At 18, she will legally be an adult, and no one can stop her, nor would have the right to stop her from getting a job, buying a car, paying for her own insurance, and driving.

2. Getting a permit does not mean she will be able to drive you and DW's car--it is still yours and if she tries, it will be considered theft.

3. If they want her to be able to drive so bad, then they should provide the insurance and the car. I'm sorry that your DW and her father don't agree on the issue of driving. You are right, it should have been something to have been agreed upon prior to this happening.

4. I think the best route would be, if they want her to drive, then they should provide everything and only at their home (so essentially, she can only drive 2 days a month.) This might cause her to want to move to their house, however. Unfortunately, no one has the right to dictate what goes on at the other person's house.

5. I think I need to iterate the fact that EVERYONE will get into an accident sooner or later and if that is what you fear, then please understand that it is something that will happen to even the best of drivers. Either by their own fault or someone else's. The degree/severity of said accident is a coin toss. Both me and my younger sister both started driving at 17, received cars upon getting our license at 18, driving was NOT a privilege, it was a requirement, so that we can help out around the house (our parents travel a lot for business) and take care of our businesses here, take care of our aging grandparents in case of emergency, etc. We have BOTH gotten into accidents in the last 5 years of driving. I was rear-ended twice at red lights, and my sister rear-ended someone once and got a ticket for answering a cell phone at a red light. It happens, no matter how responsible you are. However, it taught us how to deal with it, including insurance, tickets, and stuff. My parents were so scared about all of our accidents but they knew it was a fact of life. (My sister almost got the car take away, but I asked them what that would do other than prevent her from practicing the very thing she needs practice in.)

It was also interesting that because we ended up being designated drivers for all of our friends, especially when we went to parties and such so we never drank at parties... which honestly can lead to a lot worse decisions than just driving can, if you know what I mean. (Cue 16 & Pregnant theme song.) They never told us outright not to drink and drive, just constantly slipped stories about friends kids who died, got maimed, or otherwise went to jail for doing so.

6. I agree with everyone else that it should be used as a reward, and in your case, would be considered an out. If she doesn't want to follow it, then she can not drive until she earns enough money to buy her own car and insurance, or until someone else does it for her. However, YOUR curfew and rules still apply at your house so long as she lives there. If she doesn't like it, she's welcome to move out.

I think it goes without saying that it is exceptionally difficult for parents to make the transition into treating their children, once they are growing up, like adults that are responsible for making their own choices after having been their caretaker and rule makers for so long. It's a difficult balance for sure. I wish you the best of luck!

if the DW and Bio Dad agreed on the permit, it should also include the insurance. The BD can still gain a permit for his daughter. My BD's Dad just that.. we did discuss it and I was totally against it, she was skipping school, had poor grades, etc. He did it anyways and the insurance was on him... not only did he do it just to aggravate me, he also bought her a $10,000 car.. Go figure.. she dropped out of school. Some Bio Parents are just as stated... looking to make the other parent's life torture.