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SS has found absent BM on facbook....

talia11's picture

Back story - BM has not had any physical contact with SS15 for about 5 years. No phone contact for abour 3 years and stopped send presents for xmas and b'day about 2 years ago.

SS15 has been crowing about wanting to find her (we have no idea where she lives as she moved (found out through child support) and she has not provided us any contact details).

SS15 stayed with my in-laws for the weekend and my stupid FIL told him BM used to use Meth (which we have no idea if this is even the case so he sure as hell wouldn't know), so now SS15 is saying he can understand why she didn't contact him as she was in a bad place - sob sob. This was after 3 years ago she told him on the phone she was cutting off contact with him.

So coincidence would have it, SS15's older 1/2 sister (BM's 1st child) friended him on facebook. ON further inspection BM, her hsuband, his kids, SS15's uncles/aunties etc are all friends with his sister, so of course SS15 friend's them. We looked at BM's profile and the stupid cow has her cover photo as an old photo of her with SS15 and the sister, both whom she shipped off with their fathers when she left DH.

Our worry is what this now means. BM has mental health issues and clearly not wanted any contact with SS for years. She had tried to get out of paying CS on many occasions. Things have been terrible at home with SS15 of late for various reasons, and we are worried he will get in ear of BM and at some point, want to go back to her. As much as I would love this to happen, BM is carzy and would destroy SS15 even more than she has, and would likley grow sick of him after a period (which has also happened in the beginning of the break up when SS lived with her for about 18 months). DH has un-freinded him to make sure none of them can see his profile (SS15 is blocked from me) and he has told SS15 any discussions about our family and happenings in our household are off limits.


talia11's picture

hatemydad the CS thing is sorted, in Australia it is a pretty tight system and although she tried to get out of it, in the end she was assessed at a suitable income despite having quit a perfectly good job to avoid paying, so has been paying regularly now.

You are right it would not be bad if he went to live with her until 18, but as I said, she has done so much damage to him in the past that we fear what she would do if he went back as a teen going through the crap he is right now. As much as I can't stand him, I wouldn't want to wish her upon him. The other thing is, and this may be superficial, the CS we would have to pay would kill us. It would be triple what we get from her and here in Oz they assess your income before tax, but you gotta pay CS after tax (obviously) crazy!

Would that be a small price to pay to have peace in ur house? sure it would. And this is something we would have to weigh up. It would certainly be a case if he goes, he goes for good, no return. When he wanted to go back and live with her after DH and her first broke up, after 18 months she said she couldn't handle him anymore - he was about 10 then. I can't imagine what she would think of things now he is nearly 16!!

talia11's picture

I just had a quick chat with SS15, he said he has spoken with both 1/2 sister and stepsister, and they both said everyone has missed him and been trying to contact him for years. 1/2 sister also said BM told her she stopped calling SS15 as DH was abusive to her - funny given she told SS it was because SS told us her business which we passed on to CS (we only told CS we thought she was working because she told them she wasn't, but told SS she was).

I also find it unbelievable that the family would claim they have been 'looking for him' for years, given we have never moved address, Dh's number has never changed, and last time SS15 years ago asked BM for his 1/2 sister's contact details (she is much older) BM told him that 'she wasn't in a position to have a relationship withj him at that time'.

SS15 said he doesn't know what to believe so now I fear he is going to go into this fantasy world and we become the bad guys . I told him in no uncertain terms that we have evidence that clearly shows she had every chance to contact him and chose not to. I also pointed out she created her FB page over a year ago, is friends with her whole family, stepkids, 1/2 sister, husband etc, yet didn't think to do a search for him??

stepmonster_2011's picture

They are trying to assuage their own guilt. They know it was on them to maintain the relationship and they let it slide. Manipulation.

Head games
Passive aggressive.

All in all a bunch of douche bags. Yet they are still part of his family. He needs to be allowed to see that they are shit. But at his age it's not going to be easy. You have a very valid fear of the fantasy land.

Get him someone to talk to. A neutral 3rd party (even if not a counselor/therapist) that can help guide him thru the very confusing grey area he finds himself.

stepmonster_2011's picture

Is your SS getting any help in managing his emotions surrounding the abandonment by his mother?

I suggest this because with him approaching puberty he is gonna need help with it, in addition if his BM does try to re-establish a relationship and then bails AGAIN he's going to be even more devastated than before.

What a shitty thing that woman has done to that boy. She sucks at life. And normally I'm a big believer in letting people see how shitty others are (asses always show their ass!), at his age? Could be very detrimental.

How do I know? SS17 was abandoned by his mother 7 years ago. He was a handful up until 2 years ago, when she decided to stop all contact without even a fare-thee-well. Shortly after that he went off the deep end. Puberty, plus his mommy issues, plus some other emotional/mental health issues combined into a holy terror. It went ground zero this summer when he and my DH got into a fight. SS was then sent to a behavioral hospital for 5 weeks. He came home for a few weeks, then told his counselor he was feeling suicidal so he went to another behavioral for 3 weeks. Came home for 1.5 days and tried to commit suicide. Since Halloween he has been in the psych ward at a hospital (3 weeks) and now a residential treatment facility. He will be staying there until next November. Unless he decides on his 18th birthday that he's had enough. Then he will be on his own.

Its a sad thing and I hope by sharing this with you, your family can be proactive in getting him help with managing his feelings - and addressing the abandonment head on. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions I might be able to help with.

talia11's picture

Stepmonster, yes he is seeing a Psychologist but to date it has not been very helpful as SS15 was very much againist it, as stupid BM used to feed him bs about them being useless. He is due for another 6 sessions after a letter back to our doc, and after a big discussion following his rude and ignorant behaviour at the last session, he agreed to give it a go. He is clearly very distraught over her abandoment, you can mention her name without him flying into a fit of rage or bawling his eyes out. Added with the fact he is showing signs of depression and there have been indiactions of perhaps Aspergers (another story) times have been very, very tough of late for us. He has threatened suicide on a couple of occasions over the years, but I am just really worried that BM is going to spin him this fanatsy story and he will want to go back up there to live with her, which I have no doubt will destroy him.

stepmonster_2011's picture

Glad to hear you have a professional involved. I might even look into another that specializes in abandonment or attachment disorders. There are no drugs for these - (like depression or bipolar) the only "fix" is hard work by your SS.

I deal with this abandonment stuff myself (my own father checked out of my life long ago) - but I don't have underlying mental issues (like your SS or my SS) it took me well into my 30's to accept it wasn't MY fault he bailed out. It is HIS fault that he chose not to know me. but seriously - lots of work and it never goes away entirely.

Good luck to you and your DH as you help SS navigate. Stay strong!

Orange County Ca's picture

The fact you haven't moved or changed phone numbers is pretty convincing evidence that she's avoiding a search. Is the boy aware of these facts?

If the boy gets invited I'd definitely let him go but with one stipulations and that is he can come back once. Don't make that kid live with someone who I assume is a recovering addict. She may relapse and he won't even try to return to Dad. If he returns and wants to go back it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that's it - if he goes he stays.

Having a counselor sounds like a good idea to me.

I admire a system that can extract child support from a meth user.

talia11's picture

We have made it very clear OC that we have at no time prevented BM from seeing SS. She stopped sending gifts 2 years ago for no reason - how can she explain that? At any rate, CS could easily have passed on a message that she wanted contact, if she did.

What we haven't told SS is that the last time we went up near her (she lives in a different state), we contacted her (emnail, text and voice mail) to say we would be in this area at a particular time and if she wanted to see SS to meet us. She never turned up. We didn't tell SS then as he would have been devestated and he still doesn't know.

I don't know the validity of the meth accusation (at any rate my father in law would not ahve a clue if she did or didn't so was a dumb thing to say) but she certainly has what I suspect as bi-polar and probably some drug use in the past. the stories DH has told me are mind-blowing, and he was a bit too dim witted to see what was going on.

I might also add her parents (SS's grandparents) were also sending gifts and stopped when she did two years ago. It is just a family full of lies and bullshit, but I would put money on it that SS will fall into the 'happily ever after' story, probably to his own detriment.

Orange County Ca's picture

Apparently were were writing at the same time as I didn't see he is in serious counseling. Obviously you two parents are on the scene and know better if the kid should go or not to BM's.

It's incredible to me what parents can do to their own kids.

talia11's picture

If it were up to me, he wouldn't even see her. I know if she gets him alone the lies will start, and at almost 16, what say do we have if he decides to stay? there is no legal custody for either of them.

There are so mnay stories we have for SS when the time is right, some of the stuff she has done is abhorrent.

Rags's picture

Nail her ass for CS up to every possible penny including every penny she may have missed paying over the years. Then at least you will be able to inform SS-15 that his toxic moron of a BM at lease cared enough to support him by paying CS. The truth being of course that you and DH forced her to live up to her obligation.

Keep interfacing regularly with SS-15 demonstrating where his true family is and who his REAL mom is. Block BM on FB from seeing your posts but print every drop of drivel she posts, sends by e-mail, etc... and journal every comment about the WombClan made by SS-15.

If BM decides to get more active all of this information will form the foundation for you to smack the stupid out of her in court.

My own SS-20 has managed to progress to viable young adulthood inspite of his toothless moron SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. I have been his dad since SS was 15mos old. His mom was a 16yo single teen mom who went on to graduate from HS with her class and with honors, with a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and is now a CPA.

His SpermIdiot went on to breed three more out-of-wedlock spawn with two more baby mamas who he dumped on SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa to raise as well as dumping his CS obligation for my SS on to the SGPs. As a family we struggled periodically with SS's desires to be close to DickHead, SpermGrandMa, the SpermIdiot half sibs and the rest of the SpermClan. We of course supported his desires but had his back when it went invariably wrong as we always knew with absolute certainty that it would.

Eventually SS figured out who his REAL father is, who his true family is and has managed to accomplish more at age 20 than all receeding generations of the shallow and poluted end of gene pool has manage to accomplish combined.

Though it still breaks his heart and ours (His mom and I), he has little contact with his SpermClan since their CS obligation and the CO expired when he turned 18. SpermGrandMa has not called him a single time in 2.5 years.

My point is that this crap happens but kids can work through it if they have the support of the non-toxic elements of their blended family equation.

Good luck.