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SS and drugs

newmommy05's picture

So Bm found some sort of drugs in SS15's room. She said its white and not pot. We know he has experimented with pot. She said he is spiralling out of control. What should DH do? He wants to being him here yet again. We live 9 hrs from them. 

Petronella's picture

DH should communicate with BM and get SS into a drug counselling program, in BM's community. DH can do some research on the best resources to help SS, and figure out how it will be paid for. Hopefully one or both parents has insurance that will cover this counselling. 

There is zero reason to bring SS to live with you. What will that accomplish? Per your previous posts, DH spends no time with his son when he's at your house. You should not have to deal with an out of control, druggie teen in your home. 

You and DH should attend a Nar-anon meeting as well.


newmommy05's picture

Thank you

Dh and Bm have no idea what to do so that helps. They are both stumped. She even mentioned about calling the police.

Petronella's picture

Calling the police is an idea, for sure. She could also consider calling Social Services/CPS and ask for resources. Or the school guidance counseller. Sounds as though SS has been spiraling downwards for quite a while.

At the very least, she needs to toss SS's room and go through his phone. He needs to lose all privacy for a while. 

I just saw that you have younger children in your home. You need to make it absolutely crystal clear to your DH that SS will NOT come to live with you. As suggested in one of your previous posts, DH would need to get a separate apartment for himself and SS instead. 

newmommy05's picture

Ok so we talked. I recommended he and BM look into treatment and addiction centers for support. He will be going there to see his son more every 6 weeks or so. DH is still trying to convicne me that SS would do better under our care. Its hard but I am still saying no. 

Petronella's picture

Stay strong! Think of your children finding that white powder and ingesting it. Keep saying no to SS living with you.

Tried out's picture

keeping on saying NO! no matter how hard it gets.

Harry's picture

If it takes DH to take six weeks to try to do something.  He will turn your home into a circus.  He should be going to DS now. Getting him into a living in drug program.  That the only thing that has a chance to help.  See someone one day a week will not do anything.  They need constant help for the first few weeks.

Taking him into your home is not going to do anything   Except getting visits by the police 

Petronella's picture

I agree that dad should really fly out there now to see for himself how SS is and help find a program for him, etc. But I'm sure that won't happen as Dad won't be able to take the time off work. Guaranteed

Rags's picture

Nope, DH needs to tell BM to deal with it.  He can give her advice, tell her to call the cops on him, have him drug tested once a week, get him into a treatment center, etc, etc, etc... but... BM is the CP. She made the problem she can deal with it.  Flying out once every six weeks may help, but it probably isn't enough to fix the problems. BM needs to step up.  

Druggy SS-15 should not be allowed to bring his druggy ass to  your house.

IMHO of course.

newmommy05's picture

So Dh is going this weekend to see SS and ralk to him and all that. He is hoping his presence will shock him out of doing drugs and spiraling out of control *eye roll*. He asked me again if we can take him in. I said no. He is on drugs, a disaster in genetal, has a piece of shit BM who blames me for everything and accuses me on abuse and we have 2 young impressionable daughters who I want to keep out of this drama and out of harms way. I am worried he will just bring him here. I really don't know what to do. BM has signed him up for programs dealing wih this but it takes time. Dh is actually worried SS will die or kill himself. 

Merry's picture

Eyeroll is right. No amount of talking, encouraging, cheerleading will get SS to quit until SS is ready to on his own. SS will tell DH whatever DH wants to hear, and your DH will believe everything SS tells him because that's the easiest thing to do

Sadly, it's true that addicts die -- overdose, suicide, drug violence, etc. Also sadly, it won't make any difference if SS is living with you or not. You are absolutely correct not to let him live with you, especially since you have younger children there.

My DH was worried about the same thing with his son. When SS was kicked out of the last place he was living (drugs), DH was frantic. SS had no money (drugs) and his only option was staying with friends or a homeless shelter. DH was adamant that SS not stay in a shelter because they can be dangerous places and, well, because that was DH's son. So DH put him up in a hotel for a few nights--free breakfast, free movies, hot shower, etc. Yeah, that's real consequences. Ultimately DH had to choose between paying for SS or paying his share of our living expenses with obvious consequences. Miraculously, SS found a spot in a recovery center the very day the gravy train ran out. (SS is doing very well now and a functional adult, and DH fully admits his enabling behavior. Recovery is a marvelous thing.)

And while I totally understand a parent's desire to "help" their addicted child, most parents don't know HOW to help. Most of their instinctual "help" is actually harmful, as my DH found out. Your DH needs professional guidance on this one.

newmommy05's picture

So SS confided in his grandfather that is it xanax he is snorting. I have never heard of snorting it. Anyway xanax doesn't seem so bad right? I am sorry but I just dont have any sympathy for SS. He is bringing this drama and consequence onto himself and sending DH and I into a tailspin and our household divided. I dont know if im trying to find someone to blame. He knows better than to do drugs. I mean we have talked about it with him so many times. Its unfair and selfish. Now DH has to drive 18 hours + once a month to help monitor the situation. Im mad at DH also for not being a consistent and regular part of SS's life to prevent this from happening.